Separate Yourself

Today I spoke my mind to Gabriel.

I went to the office this morning after dropping off Isa at school, because he asked me to. And he asked me what all those media net things were on the phone bill. And I showed him. Obviously he has been looking at the phone bill- just the same as me. And he wanted to know why I was doing it, and I told him. I told him that I keep compulsively checking my email on my phone to escape being in my own head. He is wondering who I am compulsively emailing from my phone. I told him there was no one.

But let me back up. Because yesterday, something amazing happened. Gabriel and I had talked about the terms of our upcoming separation, and there were two unresolved issues: seeing other people and the timescale. I told him I would have an answer for him in 24 hours, and I knew that it was very important to live up to what I had said- because he is very frustrated that I don’t do that. So I worked hard to put together a coherent thought about those two issues. And get the response to him ON TIME- because my not doing that has been a real source of anger and frustration for him. Here is what I came up with:

Seeing other people:

I don’t want us to see other people, either a sexual relationship or any other kind of intimate relationship. That would do a lot of additional damage and hurt for me, not additional good. We will be separated, but we are still married. We have a lot of unfinished business that will become more unresolved, not less, by involving other people. While it is certain that we will both be approached with opportunities to enter into relationships with other people, and entering into that would feel good and work to raise our own self esteem, this will only complicate our own unresolved issues and serve as an avoidance mechanism to coming to resolution of our own personal introspection and our marital situation. Entering into relationships with other people will most likely drive us closer to divorce, and result in even more unresolved issues and resentments. Having said that, I know that once we are on our own, we will each be making our own decisions. I hope I count on both of us to refrain from entering into relationships until our own relationship is completely resolved, but it will not be my business to check and verify, that would only hinder me on my own path.

Timeframe:

I feel that 3 months (meeting again on our birthday) is enough time to begin to get a sense of how we are feeling. Actually, my preference would be less time than that, but seeing that you said that 3 months was your minimum, I have suggested that time. I would like to meet and openly discuss our situation on our birthday, and if need be at that point we can discuss prolonging the separation or moving in another direction.

After we read Drew’s bedtime story , I approached him and read those two things right off the computer screen. Somehow I didn’t feel secure enough to send him them as an email and commit myself in writing. At one point he interrupted me and said- ‘You assume that it will be me to see other people’. I asked him if I could just finish reading what I wrote and then we could talk about it. After I was done he said, “Well for #1, absolutely not. No way. Fuck you Corinne. FUCK YOU. I am sick of your trying to control me, and I have had it and I am leaving and that’s enough. Fuck you and your control. If you would have left it like yesterday, that we probably won’t see other people but you didn’t – you have to control me and I am sick of it so fuck you I will do what I want to and you have nothing to say about it.”

I was shocked. I said nothing but inside I was both on fire and devastated and panicked and felt attacked and scared. But I said nothing only remained stoic and then I meekly asked-“ and what about #2?” In a little voice like what would have come out of a mouse. Peep peep, please don’t hurt me sir….. And he said, in such a disdainful voice- “Yes, for number 2 fine.”. It felt like I was a little piece of shit on the floor, barely worthy of the time it took for him to utter those few words.

And then I did what I always do which is go out onto the porch and sit in my same chair and light up a cigarette and I had no lighter so I went into the car and lit it with the car lighter. Little telltale sign of a true addict. And I sat and smoked and felt panicky and angry and inside my head was living my fear and plotting my revenge- well yeah, fucker, I will show you maybe I will divorce you in two weeks but really was feeling utterly like things were out of my control and scared. Was he going to see other people? I want to make this boundary of what I can stand, and that does not include my husband dating other women, but I don’t think deep down I am strong enough to walk into the lawyers office and tell him to start the divorce proceedings and serve Gabriel with the papers. What am I going to do? I cannot back up my feelings and needs. I am a walking empty threat. I am weak. I will end up living with him dating other people and I will just sit home and cry and be miserable and I cannot do anything to stand up for myself and cut this thing off. I am helpless. And then my cigarette was almost done so I picked up another one out of the pack and used the first to light it and I smoked some more and thought crazy things like I will just go in and go to sleep now (it was 8:45 at night and I knew I couldn’t sleep) or maybe I’ll sit out here all night (????) anything to not face going in and seeing him and feeling his anger.

Then he came out with his banana in hand and sat down on the other chair of the porch- his chair. And he lit a cigarette too with the last remaining match in the box (it was there and I hadn’t noticed there was one left). I knew he had something to say, because he never comes out to smoke. He barely smokes. So he had come out to say something. So I sat and smoked more and chain lit another one right in front of him and just sat there in the dark looking down at my feet. Waiting. Smoking. Not looking at him. Seeing nothing but feeling everything. Then finally he said- “I found a place to stay. So I will probably be moving next week.” Silence. It seemed that he was waiting for a response from me- and I wanted to say- Where? But I was too afraid of the ‘none of your fucking business- you don’t control me’ response that I felt was sure to follow so I just meekly said, “ok”.

We sat more in silence. Then he finally broke the silence again and said ‘I have a schedule to propose for the kids’. More silence that seemed to go on forever. Finally I said “What is it?” More silence. He said- “I pick them up on Sunday mornings and then I have them all day. I take them to school Monday. I take Drew to tae kwan do on Monday night, then they sleep over and I drop them to school on Tuesday morning. That happens every week. And on Wednesdays, since you have your meeting, I think they need to be here. So I come over and fix them dinner and put them to bed in their own beds, here. Until you come back.”

I didn’t respond for a minute, then said- “I will have to think about it”. He said- “What? Well, you better think fast because…. “

I didn’t even wait for the sentence to finish- “ I said I will think about it and that is the end of the conversation for today”.

“What? No it isn’t, don’t try to tell me that this is the end of the conversation.”

“I said this is the end of the conversation, and it is.” I could feel the anger rising inside myself. Partly because I felt this visitation schedule was more than he deserved. A lawyer in the past had told me that the dad will get every other weekend visitation, and one evening until dinner during the week. Here he was proposing to see them every weekend and once during the week. And I felt suspicious. Was he really just wanting to get a divorce, but doing it in this sneaky way? Doing a separation and then establishing a pattern of visitation exactly like he wanted- every weekend- so that he could later go before a judge and say- see, it has to be like this, because that’s what we’ve been doing for 3 months and the kids are used to that and changing it now would be damaging to them? Had he been consulting with one of his lawyer friends who had told him to do this? What he wants is for his life to be exactly the same, exactly the same amount of time with his kids, just surgically remove me from the picture??? That’s not reality. That’s not the way it should be. He should have to suffer the same consequences as every other dad that walks out on his family- every other weekend and one evening a week. He is choosing to walk out. He is not the victim here. He should have to suffer the consequences. This whole separation thing is a manipulation of me on his part?? And can I stand him being in my house on Wednesday nights? Critically looking at my pile of dirty dishes? Thinking that I am pathetic here- not good enough… thank god he got away from me…. Looking at my stuff? What do I do? And most of all angry because of the way that he had talked to me in the kitchen. Who does he think he is to tell me to fuck off, the way that no one should be spoken to, least of all your wife, and then come out onto the porch and make demands of me as if nothing happened.

He said “No it isn’t. You cannot do that…”

“This is the end of the conversation” my tone rising “I said I will think about it” Him starting to say something about I better respond or he was going to see that I wasn’t cooperating and he was going to know that he couldn’t count of me and this was going to be a divorce….and me cutting him off

“Gabriel, you are in no position to be making demands. Any more demands. I said I would think about it”

“What? I will make any demands I want”

“No. This conversation is over. You cannot just tell me to fuck off. You stood in there when I was telling you what I thought about seeing other people and you told me to fuck off and I am sick of it. I didn’t deserve to be told to fuck off. I don’t deserve to be talked to like that. I deserve better than that.”

With that I got up, grabbed my glass of juice and my last lit cigarette and walked barefoot, somewhere, down the street. There. Another boundary. What the hell will happen to me now? Giant sinkhole going to open and swallow me into it, barefoot and hair flying as I rush freefalling downward into nothingness? Feels like it. I don’t care, I cannot endure being spoken to like that any longer. I DO deserve better. Where did I think I was going with a glass of juice in one hand, a lit cigarette in the other and no shoes walking aimlessly in the dark like an idiot? I walked a few houses down to a friend’s house who is out of town and went up the driveway and sat on the porch. No good, I felt like he could see me and I felt like I looked ridiculous. So I went over to the bench they have nestled hidden in the trees and bushes. But there was a squirrel on the bench. And he wasn’t moving. I took one more step. Still didn’t move. WTF? I picked up a little leaf and threw it toward the squirrel. Nothing. Leaf didn’t go close enough to scare him? I picked up a twig and threw it. Still nothing. What the hell? My friend has the utmost in classy artistic taste- it isn’t possible that she has put a statue of a squirrel smack in the middle of her Japanese-influenced landscaped yard. I ventured a little closer- mindful that I might be walking into a rabid squirrel bite…. Still nothing. I looked the best I could in the dark. Yep, I guess it IS a ceramic squirrel. I guess she put it there to scare of the real squirrels that she always complains are destroying her live oak and landscape. I sat on the bench next to the ceramic squirrel and took a drink of my juice and tried to calm down.

After a few minutes, I looked around and noticed that there was a truck parked in the driveway. I had, quite literally, walked right by a silver, double cab pickup truck parked smartly in the middle of the driveway without even seeing it. Must be the neighbor parking there. Taking advantage of an empty driveway. then I looked at the house, at the window about 5 feet from where I was sitting. There was a light in there. I noticed it was flickering. I kept looking. It was flickering blue. Then red. That looks like a tv, I thought. But how could there be a tv? Gail and Robert are gone until the end of November. I kept looking, blankly, not being able to process the information. Then it occurred to me. I recalled Gail mentioning that her brother-in-law was coming while she was gone to finish painting the inside of the house. Shit! He must be in there. He probably has noticed this strange person outside, barefoot, tossing twigs at the bench- then sitting down and smoking – just feet from the window. Oh god- had he seen me?

I got up and went quickly back down the driveway- straight back toward my own house. Now what the hell was I doing? I walked back up the driveway, still smoking that same original cigarette…… hope he’s still not sitting on the porch. Hope he hasn’t witness this whole bizarre scene. God I’m an idiot. Why can’t I ever just have a plan? He was still sitting there. I don’t care, dammit. I am going to sit down in my chair and finish this cigarette. I am not going to talk to him. I have said what I need to say. I will finish cigarette and go in and go to bed.

“I wasn’t trying to control you, I was just saying how I felt about us seeing other people”.

What the fuck? I wasn’t going to say anything! Am I not in control of my own mouth? Why did I say that? Can I not just put a boundary and then shut up???? Why do I feel like I have to fix it???? Dammit.

Silence. Fine. I will finish this cigarette and go to bed.

Then he broke the silence. “I shouldn’t have said fuck you. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. You are right, you don’t deserve it.”. Silence. Me looking at my feet again.

“I am sorry that I had the affairs. I am sorry that I hurt you. I wish that I didn’t. If I could take it back, I would. But I can’t. I am sorry about my anger. I just wanted you to let me fix everything, but you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t trust me again, or look at me the same again. You wouldn’t let me do it my way to fix it. And anyway, I can’t fix it. And you probably should have just left me after the affairs. And now I am the angry guy. And I am so frustrated because I couldn’t fix it. I am a failure. All I wanted ever was to be with you. Because you are the woman of my life, whether we stay together or get divorced. But you wouldn’t let me fix it my way, you wouldn’t be on my side. And now I can’t stop being angry. I can’t control it. I don’t want to see other people while we’re separated. I am not going to start any intimate relationships with anyone until we finish what we have to finish, either way- together or divorced. Now maybe you are going to realize that you think I am an asshole and you will want to see someone. I am sorry that I hurt you.”. I continued looking at my feet. He sat there for another minute. Then without saying anything he got up and walked into the house and shut the door. Then he went into our room and shut the door. Eventually, after a long time, I came inside.

I laid down on the couch. Processing what I had just heard. I couldn’t go into the bedroom. There was just nothing that I could say. Not even the ‘thank you for saying that’ that was on my lips. It would just ring hollow. Or seem like some manipulation on my end to get him to stay. Or I don’t know. Trying to say anything, or simply being around him felt like a risk of slipping back into some out of control situation. Leave it alone.

I thought about what had happened. I realized something- it became so crystal clear to me that It was like a light. Gabriel is sick too. I had known it before, but still somehow was in a denial about it. But now it was clear. I had the clarity to see it for what it was. Gabriel had entered the Karpman drama triangle all by himself, with no help from me. He took what I said about not wanting to see other people and twisted it. He had asked me to give it to him. I know it was inoffensive, because I had run it by two independent people before reading it to him. One of whom thought that it wasn’t strong enough, and that I should simply say that seeing other people was a ‘dealbreaker’ for me. He had taken what he heard, and turned himself into the victim. I was controlling him and he was the victim. Enter into the drama triangle. Victim entrance. Then that gave him the excuse in his head to become the perpetrator and lash out at me. And lash out he did. Destroy the communication. Subvert it. It is no longer adult communication. It is extinguished. Pfft. He had done that ALL BY HIMSELF. I didn’t do it this time. And I couldn’t allow myself to think that I had. That part was out of my control. And I knew that it wasn’t the first time. He was just like me. What a realization. Not an entirely good one. I am not crazy. This is really broken. Really fucking broken. And I cannot fix it for him. I can only fix it for me. And I’m not even sure I can do that. In a way, I felt sorry for him. Or sad. And sad that this was the model that our children were going to learn. And sad that it was getting worse for him. And sad that I knew he was in pain just like I was. And sad that if he could only admit who he is to himself, that he could start on some sort of recovery for himself from his own self-inflicted pain. And sad for me that my dreams were crumbling.

And I realized something else. In a way, I had made myself the victim of his proposed visitation schedule. Did I? I don’t know. I still don’t know. When I thought about it, he had thought out a schedule that worked for both of us. Including Monday nights, so I could go to my meeting. And Wednesdays, so I could meet with Kathy. Had he done this for both of us??? Was this another silver, double cab pick-up truck that I walked by without seeing?

What is my role in this whole fucking mess???????