Witness to withness #4

March 20, 2012

    Today is the first day of spring and to be honest I feel less than springy.  I had a nightmare about being with Ed Outlaw, a former chaplain supervisor and a couple of chaplain peer residents. In the dream I am heading toward the end of my work at St. Luke’s hospital and I am ushered into Ed’s presence. In the dream is the is the supervisor of the program.  I am rebuked in the dream for not being as available as a resident by the name of Tim. His life is complicated with a mangy dog and kids yet he is available. As the dream goes further I am faced doing an evaluation, knowing that I will be humiliated further by another resident named Gary. My crime was not making connection with either of them. U  Ed gets the news and gets a hose and sprays me down.  I feel totally humiliated.  Upon awaking I am faced with a future without being a professional chaplain. This is something I have desired to be since early in college. I am all washed up in relation to my chaplaincy aspirations.  I am reminded that I do not know how to deal with my vulnerability in a healthy way. I seek ways to get attention thru being needy and getting sympathy and end up isolating myself!! It would make a good sermon me to share with others seeking help from the same problem. In the meantime I feel myself burning out. I need someone like an Ed to Hose me down knowing better days are ahead.