Witness to Withness #13

July 16, 2012
I survived my son’s wedding. What made it difficult was that there were few or no viable connections with persons other than immediate family which created a world of feeling totally alone at one point. It does matter to belong. Sharon, left for Pennsylvania and again I sort thru what family really means. I do not feel good about feeling cast aside as happened at this wedding. I hardly saw my daughter at all. My two sons did get me to the wedding in one form or another. I blame only myself for my attitudes of feeling lost and out of it. There were bright spots and I need only mention. It was fun to see Justin and Bob and Mary, three of the bride's family. I liked being sought out by the bridesmaids when I was feeling the most alone. After nurture from them I was able to seek out Julie for a time. What is disturbing is that so much of it was predicated on what I was at best awkward. I was put in an awkward position of sitting next to Cindy, my ex. Julie refused to sit between us. I saw pictures of Tim with extended family that I hardly knew. I felt real small, wondering why I came. I did feel good about giving Cindy money the way I did to help cover rehearsal expenses. I am tired of all the sneaking around and being timid.This time I gave it to her in a more forthright manner. Then there was a very awkward moment-Cindy wondering if all was ok with Sharon and I. The next day I was late for breakfast at my exes. I was Tim's chaperone to make sure he got to the wedding in time and got a free invite to breakfast with him. The wedding itself was very beautiful! Tiffany’s “I do” rang out more than I have ever heard before. The decoration of the car was inevitable.Tiffany’s reaction was precious for its portrayal of anguish and ultimately getting in the car and driving off.

And I left to get back to work. It was a very long night. Then I had my first work day and the rumblings of not having done good enough sweeping with the broom in the guard shack real or imagined. It is part of my angst. I am the only white person and I cannot be sure if I am being taken advantage of. I can never be good enough. I will give away more tomatoes and cucumbers to people at work. I am giving of myself and more nurturing than usual. I even filled the humming bird feeder at my friend's house. I was taking care of their pets. Praise the Lord I found my glasses!!! I am discovering I have a reckless need to be punished. I pray God helps me to overcome.