Witness to withness #14

August 18, 2012
          I made it to my 57th birthday and am learning humility along the way. My goal(gift) for the next year is to think of others to a larger degree than myself. My day began with a plunge into the world of dusting and vacuuming. I find I do a lot better in a state of order than chaos. Who knows where I will find keys and other essentials. A feeling of losing it (feeling crazy) is not far away. I prepare a much clearer path to my daughter Julie as I intentionally root out my cluttered mind. My birthday is a time of celebrating my sanity and the persons who make my life worth the effort.. I plan to go with my children and my wife Sharon to Longhorn Steakhouse.(YUMMY!!) It had felt very strained and strange between us a few days ago and I felt responsible. I am not sure that I need to change or whether I am doing the best I can. After a time of reflective ruminaton I take a nap, which stirs up dreams still fresh from the previous night.

         My dreams from the previous night revealed to me that there are all manner of inroads to getting back into ministry. In one dream I saw myself going to a church conference and actually feeling like I belonged there. I felt God calling me to give myself another chance.
It hurts to experience the aura of self-doubt. "I could never do a good enough job anyway". There were reasons for these sentiments. When certain officials in my denomination found out that I had a history with mental illness they became critical of me and my vision. One official went so far as to say that I should be planting seed at a farm rather than risk ruining others. It has been a journey of faith from there. I own in some ways that I can risk hurting others even if I do not want to. These days I am more an encourager than anything else. The reality is that I have a limited time and am trying to do the best I can with the time left.

         In another dream I envisioned going back to a church I had served where everything seemed to fall apart. In the next dream sequence I was being called back to the same church that clouded my world with feelings of gloom and doom in 1988,. The leadership had changed and wanted to implement different ideas that had nothing to do with my own vision.

They were not tuned into me. Did anyone understand?

"I deserved another chance". How do I give myself the best chance at succeeding where I had failed before?

Upon waking I envision wanting my pastoral friend Bob Southard to meet other persons who would serve as a sounding board. I am deciding to distance myself from everyone who treats me as a reject. I am proud to meet the new me.

I wake up from my nap. Time to pick up Julie!!