Crowds

I used to hate crowds. They used to bring me so much anxiety... All those people who I didn't know, their interventions, their evaluations and their criticism.. They used to fill me with negative emotions, embarrassment,feeling inadequate, humiliated or depressed.

We all felt that burning sensation in our soul when the group of girls behind us started laughing, whether at you or with each other you will never know nor will it matter to you. But what will matter to you is feeling of dread, the agony in your core and that hitched breath right before you start to cry.

I used to hate crowds. My social anxiety kept me from doing a lot of those "beautiful mistakes" that I used to write at my bucket list, prevented me from walking with my head high instead of cowering because my mind decided that I wasn't good ENOUGH.

I used to hate crowds but I don't anymore. People have their own problems, their own demons they need to fight and their own prisons to escape. Some use outer pain to balance the inner one and some inflict pain to others to stroke their ego, to create the illusion that their miserable life needs.

Now, whenever I am in a crowded place I like to admire people for their strength to laugh, to get up and walk, to love and to create moments... Make "beautiful mistakes".. Those mistakes that thanks to this fighting people I'm getting the courage and inspiration to up and do them.

Sometimes, I'd like to think of it as domino effect.. I admire them,as they admire someone else.. Maybe this way world would be a better place. All we would do was admire and try to grow with them, to have the same strength as them .... But.... All we know how to do is bring down the person we admire for having the strength to do what we can't.

I'm done with hating on people. Trying to blame others for my failures, for my depression, for my inability to get my shit together.. Sure, I get it. Most of the times people aren't exactly helping on the contrary they are making it worse...But "rightfully" so because I am still bringing myself down,so why can't other people do so too ?!

So, I'm going to start slow... Admire one person at a time... Take my time, to find my strength and join them in the world of living.. That way I'll stop bringing myself down and find a way to stay up.