Fatal Attraction

I dated a guy for a couple years. He was mostly nice, but oh boy did he have a temper. Oddly, before I'd even seen his temper, I always had an odd thought that he could just strangle me in bed some night.

Anyway, he left me for another woman but insisted we remain friends. He'd slowly been getting financial leverage over me those years. I didn't realise it at the time, I thought he was just being nice. He was like me in that he came from a poor family, and he had to work really hard to get to the point that he lived well.

Now, let me explain the finances a bit. It's not that he got me accustomed to a lifestyle I didn't want to give up. Much more basic. I lived in a town with no laundromat, and he suggested that instead of buying a washing machine, I use his. I had a car that always broke down that I couldn't replace and I lived nearly an hour from my job (no bus either). He convinced me to stay where I was instead of moving closer. And of course he didn't mind fixing my car. And a million little things I didn't even think of. Nice things a boyfriend would do.

Well, we broke up, and he insisted that we must remain friends. I really didn't want to. And that's when he reminded me how dependant I was on him. I think he planned it because he knew exactly what I needed him for. He also knew exactly what of mine was in his house (no, he wasn't just going to give it back).

Well, maybe he was just pointing out that friends help friends, but if we weren't friends of course I couldn't expect help. I didn't think too hard on the fact he was keeping things of mine hostage.

But it became clear really quickly that he didn't want to be friends. On laundry day, there'd be sexually explicit letters just laying on the table. He had demands. I was expected to be over the break up in a week. He reminded me constantly that he never loved me anyway.

Didn't take long to say "enough". I had friends who could help me get on my feet.

Oh, but he kept every receipt of everything he ever did for me. The bicycle I bought (and paid for! )... well he still had the receipt for that too. Did I have a receipt showing I paid him? he asked. Did I have any proof of ownership? he asked. No, I hadn't even thought of that. I've bought things from friends before, and the thought of getting a reciept wasn't even something I'd considered.

He threatened to take me to small claims court for all of this. And he did. The judge denied everything except the bike. For reasons I don't understand, the fact that he backdated a reciept for the bike that he allegedly sold to his best friend coupled with the fact that I never once paid him with a check or got a reciept doomed me. However, the judgement wasn't what he wanted. He wanted the bike back, and the judge said I owed him the money.

So, whatever. I got a cashier's check, and I sent it via Fed Ex requiring a receipt. I paid for that damned bike twice now, I wasn't giving it back. I also knew it would be stupid not to pay since that was the judgement.

Should be over and done with. I also moved during this time, and I even made the move as unofficial as I could. I rented a room in a nearby town, changed my address to a relatives, and never signed an official rental agreement.

And this is when things start getting really weird.

Phone calls all night long from unknown numbers. Several times a week, I'd notice headlights that just never quite turned off. Well, they'd always disappear when it became obvious I was doubling back to the city. Shadows in the backyard. Neighbors dogs going crazy in the middle of the night.

Then the break ins started.

First time, the door to the garage was kicked in and the bike was stolen. The garage leads right into the living room, and the door is usually unlocked. Nothing in the house was taken. Not even an expensive laptop sitting right on the kitchen table.

Next time, the lady had left her bedroom window cracked, the screen was taken off and someone climbed in the window. They left through the front door, which couldn't be locked from the outside without a key. That time was scarier because I couldn't figure out what was stolen. While it might have been a massive fit of paranoia, I threw out all my food, washed everything in bleach, and went through every corner of the house looking for something amiss.

Third time it was what few valuables I had.

After awhile, and a few more moves, the phone calls died down, and l felt relieved, but my releif remained short lived as l was attacked with a sharp object at my home repeatedly and l collapsed..
MY NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES

Almost as if I had fully woken up after a long sleep, I found myself surrounded by an All-Pervasive Brilliance. There was no boat, no body structure, no dark void, nothing. There was only this dazzling, electrifying, brilliant white Light all around. The light was everywhere. There was nothing except this brilliant Consciousness! It seemed to have a consistency of the ever-finest, minutest electric-like sparkles and was energetically similar to the ‘bed of Light’ I had come on, except that this light was all-pervasive, limitless. It could perhaps be compared to the light of thousands of brilliant stars reflected in millions of sparkling diamonds, all-encompassing, self-luminous, and pulsating with electric energy: very delicate and smooth.

I seemed to know that the light was the Supreme Infinite Light that is God, the Cosmic Consciousness.
It is truly impossible to describe in mere mortal words, this Pure Love, this vital energy, this infinite Light, this Supreme Absolute Consciousness, This Presence, which is commonly referred to by most of humanity as God or the Creator: it can only be experienced! So please forgive my humble effort with limited vocabulary to try and share what I experienced. At this moment, I was literally standing on air and was an electric body of Light. I was in this dazzling white void, this Brilliant Nothingness, filled with comfort, delight, and a deep knowing that I had reached my destination.

I seemed to know that this was the Ultimate White Effulgent Light. Experiencing myself as a shimmering sparkling white-light energy, pulsating with some kind of ethereal (ether-real!) electric life force, my Being was flooded with a gentle, very expansive Love energy. The energy was like a soft embrace from that all-encompassing Light Presence! This Light Presence of pure, unconditional Love seemed to be in me and around me.

It was all-pervasive and extended into infinity. Strangely, there seemed to be no difference between this light and my Light-being. Even more bewildering was that this Conscious Loving Presence, seemed to be the nature and substance of all of existence.

In sheer delight, my Light-self was almost skipping in the air as a further wave of knowing passed through me. I whispered to myself, ‘This is the real me!’ In complete wonderment, with a sense of déjà vu and awe, I heard myself say, ‘I know this place, I know this place. I've been here before. I made it. I finally made it back!’ ...

I wished to take a final look and say goodbye to the world I had just left behind. I looked over behind my non-existent shoulder, somehow expecting to see my world; but, to my complete shock, I saw that there was nothing there.

My earthly world didn't seem to exist! There was no world, no universe, no galaxy, no earth, nothing! Nothing existed, except this soft Conscious Presence, this pulsating Brilliance, this pure Love that was everywhere as all pure white Light. ‘Oh my God, how could that be?!’ I exclaimed to myself. ‘Where has it gone? It was all real! How could it have just disappeared?’

A gentle response seemed to come from the cosmic wisdom that was all around, ‘But how could it be Real, when it has just disappeared?’

There was so much knowledge that was shared with me that I can't share it all here. The response said, ‘What is real is only that which is permanent and changeless. That which changes, is within the mirage of time, and truly non-existent. Consciousness, however, as a gentle, delicate, smooth, flowing Presence is ever present; even within the human form, above and beyond the mind, as it is the Experience-less-ness underlying all experience. It never changes, never disappears, and it is therefore, the only Reality.’

I asked, ‘But if this Consciousness alone is real, the world was an illusion? Then where did it come from?’

It replied, ‘Like all manifestation, the world too is the creation of the great illusion or great delusion, which being the Creative aspect of this Supreme Consciousness, or the Lord, is the divine movie-projector of life, in the all-powerful play of the realm of Creation.
Just as a mirage in the desert disappears when viewed from a certain perspective, your life on earth has disappeared, when viewed from the perspective of the Divine Self, where you are now.

Only the eternal is real; and from the viewpoint of that Reality, all that is non-eternal, disappears. Yet of course, you, being eternal Atman (the soul) can still view the ‘world of illusion’ if you wish.’

I asked, ‘So my life never really existed at all, it was an illusion?’

It replied, ‘Oh, it existed; just as a dream exists, or a movie, or a mirage.’

I continued questioning, ‘So the world, was just a figment of my imagination? How did I create it? With my thoughts and desires?’

The reply echoed all around me, ‘Y-e-s-s-s-s!’ as it reverberated within my being.

Y e s: I understood now. The world had all been only in my mind, a thought-and-senses created illusion/delusion. Without the senses, mind and body, there was now no ego to perceive the world illusion! It had all existed and happened only in my mind!

Our true reality exists outside of the mind, which is where I was at the present moment. I realized the true vastness of my Being and the minuscule nature of the cage of the earthly body. The roles I had played through the many lifetime dramas with different bodies, flashed again into knowing.

I smiled, seeing there was absolutely no attachment whatsoever to any of them! How could I, when it was just a play of mind? I had come to terms with the fact that once I, my ego consciousness, left the body, my mind-created world also disappeared.
….

I never want to be separate again from this Oneness, this All-encompassing Love! This was my feeling, as a faint memory of the world of separateness wafted into my consciousness and anxiousness seemed to take over all of a sudden. I heard myself repeat twice, ‘Where do I go from here? Where do I go from here?’ By the formation of destiny, which is created by our actions and reactions, the newly transformed Being of myself now in existence, having received a downpour of higher Truths and realizing its Higher Self from having merged in Oneness with It. I knew that it had been brought within and as, the pure energy of That One, of pure white Light for a reason, so an element of wonderment was there at what might be coming next?

Much to my dismay, however, the All-Pervasive KNOWING came through with a much different response than what I was expecting. Coming loud and clear, It reverberated through that infinite space of Consciousness, ‘You have to go back. You have to do the Work’ communicating that my real work on Earth was to begin now. I called out, ‘Please I don't want to go back! I'm very happy here!!’ But the Lord, Supreme Consciousness had spoken, and it had to be.

Right then, I saw a long flexible kind of tunnel which almost looked like a huge hollow umbilical cord. I could actually see the outside and inside of it. Inside it I saw the form of an unborn human baby, with golden, light-colored skin, curled up like a fetus against the inner wall. 'So this is the Cosmic Womb Tunnel,' I thought. It seemed to be coming from infinity and spiraling downwards. But as I looked at it carefully, I exclaimed in alarm, ‘Oh no, not again!’ when I realized that I was that baby, speeding down headfirst, as the curled-up fetus in this cosmic tunnel-like womb, I was crossing the dimensional barriers. I thought, 'Oh God, oh no, I really was going back into Earth consciousness to be reborn!'

Next thing I knew, I heard myself let out a cry. I had opened my human eyes. They were looking at the nursing staff and Doctors.Upon touching my face, I could feel the puncture wounds caused by knife attack. Miraculously, despite this gruesome injury in my mouth, I was feeling no pain whatsoever. There was no physical feeling at all.

Until many years later. Phone rings and I answer. My instincts to screen calls had died away. I answer, and it's his voice. Still angry, still looking for me. I hung up as soon as he started screaming abuse and threatening dire consequences.

Changed my phone number and immediately planned a move out of state. I've changed my name, which of course, isn't fool proof by any means. Name changes aren't meant to hide you. I just hope it's enough that he won't run across me. This episode and my personal enlightenment has been one positive thing that keeps me energized and open to helping others. I give all an hope and motivation to move on with confidence and clarity in life.

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