I Dance With Girls

Warning: This was written at least ten years ago, my spelling and grammar are horrible. Other then that it's a pretty awesome story. Hope you enjoy. ALSO NOTE: Not based on a true story, only my imagination. Thank you for the concerns I received, but I was never in the positions Maria faces in this story.


I DANCE WITH GIRLS

         Dave was a sweet boy. He was kind of big but he made a good football player for the position he was in. He was big as in fat, not big as in muscular, he had some muscle too but he was nice. Football players aren’t generally nice. But Dave was.
         I am not that big but a little chubby in the middle. I don’t look like a fifty-pound cheerleader no I have curves that they envy I also have a pretty face. I am nice, most of the time. I am also mostly lesbian, which will come into play in a few sentences.
         Dave had developed a crush on me somehow. I guess he figured he wanted a curvy girl because he was a big boy. However, it happened he was bent on being my boyfriend. This is not a good think to get stuck on. He asked me, with hope shining in his eyes, to take me to the homecoming dance after the football game. Being as how he was a senior and so was I it would be his last homecoming football game with the last dance for me but still I had already made plans to go with my group. I couldn’t back out now with only two weeks to go. A girl who we called Cody was going to the dance with me. We were only friends but our being lesbians was something that we were both intensely aware of. So I told him I was sorry, but I promised to save him a slow dance if he wanted. He looked crushed.
         “Maria Please?” It was sad to hear Dave beg like that, but I couldn’t ditch Cody and go with him. His voice was very nearly trembling when he spoke my name the name my mama and papa had named me when there fascination with the Spanish culture shook them eighteen years ago.
         “I’m sorry Dave, but I made other plans, maybe next time.” This is when a song by one of my favorite bands Popper Chime Combs started playing in my head it was about a girl rejecting a guy for another guy and she ended up regretting it. I hate that song now.
         “Just save me a dance then.” He looked like he might not make it to the gym without crying. I watched him, when he reached the door I ran as far away as I could. My car was as far as I got. Cody and a guy friend of mine, Joey, were waiting for me. Joey is just a guy but he’s a little femme so people pick on him. It doesn’t help that he likes to revert to speaking Spanish when he gets angry and no one else can understand him with his higher then usual voice. He and Cody pretend to be together when they don’t want to get caught doing anything, but Joey is dating a pretty red head now so you know whatever. Joey has nice arms they show a lot of muscle and they show how hard he works out to stay fit and strong, it’s his soft face that makes his look more like a girl. Cody was free to choose, as she liked. I like driving; so my friends oblige me by letting me do a lot of the driving, besides I had the minivan that could fit anywhere from seven to twelve people, that was real fun.
         I didn’t tell them about Dave because it wasn’t important. Cody is a real butch; she likes jeans and T-shirts with over shirts from the men’s department. But she looks like white trash sometimes so people assume she is, they don’t mess with white trash in this school. Her hair is short, unruly, and dirty blond. She wears small glasses that are too small for her face. It makes her look artistic, so she claims.
         The three of us represent the outcast at the school but I fit in more. Hence, I am the one who just got asked out by a football player. I usually find more classy things to wear. I have nice dress pants and tops, I wear long skirts and baby-doll T-shirts that hug my large breasts. I pride myself on my flawless, long, dark-brown, curly hair. I know how to wear my hair in a French twist, and how to do things with my hair that the teachers wish they could. I wear light make up: powder, eye shadow, and lipstick when I feeling frisky a little blush. I am a lipstick lesbian. I look older than I am and I get away with going to the gay bars and ordering. Beer isn’t good and it smells worse on other people but the bartender gets away with anything she wants, she’s a treasure, flirting with all her customers and everything. She even gives us cut prices when the owner isn’t around. No one asks my age. They don’t need to because they don’t want the answer. However, I never go home with anyone. I don’t get carded when I bye rated R movie tickets. It’s a sad thing to look old now because when I’m older I know I am going to look even older then I will want to. But what comes around goes around. I figure there is some twenty-two year old who looks like she is fifteen or so and really hates it.
         Homecoming came quickly, Dave smiled at me in the halls, and I smiled back. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to be nice and flirt a little. Dave really was a sweetheart everyone knew it. Josh, one of the other football players, was still talking to me; so I figured I hadn’t done anything wrong by letting Dave down, but then again Josh is nice to everybody. Josh is a little smaller then some of the others. He should be playing baseball or something else and he does but he’s just too small for football. There was a great rush of energy for the big game on Friday. I put on a warm sweater, new jeans; a scarf let my hair down and went to cheer on the football team. None of my friends went with me and I don’t follow football but I went because Josh asked me to; he said it would be good for me to get some fresh air. So I went to cheer on Josh and Dave because they deserved it. We won by a field goal with only a few minutes to go and the team was so pumped. I ran down to meet Dave because Josh has a girlfriend and because Dave would like that. He did too, Dave gave me a huge bear hug and it felt great. I was so happy for them. Dave deserved to be on the field when they won and he was glowing with pride. The band played the Alma Mater it was great to be wrapped up in this school event for once.
         The next day the group was having great fun. The girls and Cody met at my house to get dressed for prom. My mama helped with people’s hair, then papa drove us to have pictures done at a professional studio because the pictures were better and we were meeting the boys there. Cody was in a three-piece suit; she was a beauty queen in my eyes. Her Hair slicked back with hair grease and she had put in contacts. She looked great. There were eight girls and five guys one from another school but he was the best anyway. Joey wore white while the rest of the guys and Cody wore black.
         Pulling up with our tickets in hand we entered the darkened school in couples. This was perhaps the biggest mistake of my life; Cody and I sauntered in together smiling with huge grins on our faces. We were, and still are, just friends but still, with everything else, one could guess anything they wanted and almost be correct.
         “Maria? Why are you here with a girl? Maria please tell me that you aren’t here with a girl.” Dave had seen us, the group was gathering around us. The football players were behind Dave. Josh was there he looked upset.
         “I am here with a girl but it isn’t a date, it’s a dance, a school dance, I am here with seven girls and five guys. There is nothing here to be remotely interesting, Dave please I had already promised my friends I would go with them or I would have come with you.” I would have too he was a nice guy.
         “Your friends would have understood. How is one less person going to interrupt a group going to homecoming?” Dave was upset I could tell that much but it really just wasn’t my fault. I was out to my friends but not to the world. I didn’t want this coming down on me I wasn’t ashamed that I liked girls seventy five percent of the time but there was still room for boys I hoped Dave would leave it alone.
         My friend, Brendan, from the other school stepped forward. He was about an inch shorter than Dave but still. “If you don’t mind my saying so it would have made a difference if Maria had not come with the group, you see we all love her. Well she is the one who brought us all to this. I am sure your welcome to join us there is room for you. We were going to ummm… shoot Maria where are we going?”
         “The Park on 95th and Fairway”
         “That’s right The Park and we would love to have you along.” Brendan finished; Dave’s reaction was hard to read. A new song started and Brendan looked at Cody, “My dear lady would you like to dance?” It was a saving mechanism and left me the chance to dance with Dave but it didn’t help, I still couldn’t read his face.
         Joey stepped forward. “Well Dave if you aren’t going to ask her to dance I am.” He took my hand and we twirled away from Dave and Josh and the group.
         I bent my neck and put my head on Joey’s shoulder “Thank you” I whispered then straightened my neck. Dave was staring at me I could feel his eyes watching me, I could almost feel his hurt but I didn’t want to force him to accept me as I was. He seamed intent on trying to understand me, about everything. Joey and I danced for three dances my forest dress swaying at our feet and climbing over my shoulders to my wrist in a sleek flow. When Joey bowed deeply I curtsied.
         I swayed over to Josh and Dave who were with a couple of their friends, “Which one of you gentlemen wants to show this lady how to dance?” I said looking at Dave he didn’t answer right away but Josh moved forward. “Ohh very well if I have to dance with the quarterback I will.” I put up my hand and he led me out to the dance floor. It was a more upbeat song then the last one so it was faster dancing, Josh wanted to have a good time, his girl hadn’t been able to come but dancing with someone else’s girl was allowed in the football code I guess.
         “Maria, thanks for coming last night.” he said to warm up the conversation
         “I had fun, it was nice.” I lied I couldn’t tell him I didn’t like football, that would be like telling him I didn’t like him at all. I knew that rule.
         “I’m glad you had fun.” he was getting uncomfortable he didn’t want to approach the subject that we both wanted to talk about.
         “Why didn’t Dave dance with me?” I wanted to talk about Dave even if Josh was uncomfortable.
         “He doesn’t know what to do with you.”
         “I’m not that terrifying am I?” I laughed a little, so did he.
         “No he’s worried about the other girl. I don’t see why that is just ridicules don’t you think I mean being gay is unnatural.” I didn’t want to say anything, he was testing me, and I didn’t like it.
         “Let’s just dance.” I knew that wasn’t the answer he wanted, but it was the only one I had. We were quiet the rest of the dance. He guided me back over to the football players who weren’t dancing. “Are you ready to dance now?” I asked Dave he shook his head. “Well come find me when you are, I look forward to dancing with you.” I turned away and heard a murmur of “Dyke” escape someone’s mouth. Josh came to my defense I think because the snickering stopped. Dave didn’t find me then I never got to dance with him. It wasn’t that big a deal to me because my feet hurt within the hour. I danced with all the guys at least once and Joey and Brendan at least twice. I danced with Cody for one of those hyper non-contact dances but it still hurt to think that Dave didn’t want to dance with me anymore because I had walked in with Cody and not Joey or Brendan.
         At the park I drank, what else could I do? My feet hurt and I was slightly depressed. Cody sat next to me and we drank; the park was dark but if you looked you could see us. It was about an hour after we left that Dave and Josh showed up. Cody and I were just sitting next to each other, nothing bad.
         “Have a beer?” Joey offered them, both accepted. Cody moved over to Joey and started hanging on him. She was drunk but she knew it was time to act like his girl.
         Josh looked at him oddly “You got two girls their Joe?”
         “Yup and it’s good, one I can control and one I can’t!” He started laughing then he kissed Cody full on the mouth. “By the way bud, it’s Joey not Joe but it’s all good.” Cody put her hand in Joey jacket and unbuttoned two buttons on his stomach. They really do have a good act and lots of little secret codes. It’s really a hoot to watch, when you know what’s going on; just like the truth behind watching a school play is to know the actors. But the play of life, well that is under hysterics because, you get to interact with the players. Josh started drinking his beer but Dave didn’t touch his, I was nursing my third wine cooler and felt rather happy.          Brendan turned on the car radio and threw in a CD it was a waltz so I stood up and faced Dave. I put down my drink on the picnic table.
         “You never danced with me.” I said taking his beer putting it on the table. I took his hands placed his right hand on my hip and took his other hand in mine hoping he would twirl to the music. Dancing when your slightly drunk is hard, but it works if you are having a good time. Dave seemed to relax when we danced. I hoped it meant he had stopped trying to figure me out.
         “Your very pretty, do you know that?” I blushed and but my head on his chest, his shirt was silk; he had left his Jacket in the car. His hands were beefy and strong; he smelled like Jovan’s White Musk for Men, I inhaled deeply. It was a cold night and he was very warm. We stopped dancing and he looked at me. I felt like I might just be the prettiest thing on earth at that point. “I want to kiss you.” I felt a little tense and I think he felt it with his hands holding my arms.
         “Okay.” I said to cover my uneasiness. His kiss was rougher then Cody’s had been but it was dominantly strong. Then I heard the cat calls from my friends with various shades of “moon reflectors” and “Julio and Romiette” passing the lips of my friends in there need to embarrass me further Cody was upset at me. She looked like I had told the worst joke possible and because she didn’t laugh I had slapped her. Dave saw the face too.
         “Cody, it’s…” Joey was trying to talk to her.
         “NO Joey! She kissed him. She doesn’t want to know who she really is and she may not have to do it with me but she had best find herself a good girlfriend and now I don’t ever want it to be me. Not again, not now.” Cody had done it, she had told Dave in three sentences my history with her and my preference, even if she was talking to someone else. Joey wanted to slap her I wanted to slap her. I was horrified.
         I turned around to Dave his face was turning red. “You kissed her? You were her girlfriend? You’re a fucking Dyke! I just kissed a fucking Dyke!”
         “Dave please it’s over. Please Dave, please.” I didn’t know what I was asking for. Dave wasn’t listening anyway. Josh looked at me almost sympathetically.
         When Dave realized he was still touching me he shoved me away, Brendan caught me before I fell, I started crying. Dave looked at me again some of the hate was gone but he stormed off, Josh ran after him. I buried my face in Brendan’s chest and cried harder. Cody didn’t look at me instead she drove away taking another girl with her. Joey was by my side too. They stroked my hair and tried comforting me by ranting about “the damn hicks.”
         “Why does she hate me?” I whispered. The two boys were silent. “Why does everybody hate me?”
         “Shhh. We don’t hate you Maria. We don’t hate you. No one hates you. We love you Maria.” Were responses from Joey and Brendan. Brendan rocked me back and forth and I fell asleep in his arms. I hadn’t taken the van; Joey shook me awake when we reached the house.
         “Come on Aurora time to wake up and go to bed.” Aurora, is Joey’s way of telling me I am beautiful because it is the name of the Disney Princess from Sleeping Beauty. Joey lives with my mama, papa, and me. It’s easy for us that way. Joey pays a small rent but not much, his parents didn’t have any more room for him. He loves my mama and papa even if we aren’t really Spanish, neither is Joey really, but he is closer then we are. My parents are just fascinated with the culture and the language. I can speak fluid English and Spanish and I help tutor some kids. Joey can speak both languages too because his father (who is really his step father) is Mexican and can only speak Spanish but that’s how things go sometimes.
         Mama and papa were in bed and we didn’t have any problem getting upstairs. Joey disappeared bringing back two mugs of coffee while I was taking off my stockings. “Did we thank Brendan for driving us home?”
         “Yes Maria we did.” He laughed at me a little.
         “Thanks for the jo Joe.” I smiled up at him. It was Folgers ‘just add hot water’ coffee, very strong and very bitter. I was the only one he let call him Joe but only certain times. It was rather sweet you could say, but I was more like a sister to him than anything. My feet had mild grass stains on them from the park, but it wasn’t that bad and mama wouldn’t notice. Joe helped me with the dress zipper and the clasp on the long line bra I had on, his hands were clumsy but he didn’t have much experience with bra clasp so I forgave him silently.
         “Maria, if you need to talk…”
         “I know but I am tired. We have church in the morning.”
         “Alright, good night Maria.”
         “Night Joey.” He kissed my forehead before he went to his room across the hall. I pulled off my bra and whispered: “Free at last, free at last.” I took a deep breath, slipped out of my dress letting it get slightly wrinkled as it hit the floor. I put on a T-shirt, picked up the green dress, zipped it up, grabbed a hanger and threw the dress in the back of my closet. I let down my hair brushed it and braided it. I went and washed off my makeup and was done getting ready for bed. I turned off the light, walked to the bed turning down the covers, slipping in.
         I was asleep before I knew it because I woke up hearing Joey singing. It was past ten in the morning and I had completely missed my chance to go to church. Joey saw me up and burst in.
         “Morning Aurora!”
         “Joey, I could have been naked!”
         “Damn your not!”
         “Stupid boy…”
         “Not in the slightest.”
         I grumbled and stood up; it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen me naked before it was just that was when we were two and not seventeen. Besides I was still in my long T, there wasn’t anything to see.
         “Want anything to eat?” He asked, me smiling.
         “Chicken, Sweet and Sour Chinese Sesame Chicken.” I said much to his pleasure.
         “Good there is some in the fridge I get for you,” he said saying the last four words with a very bad Chinese accent. It was evident he had gone out this morning to get some. I put on a pair of Jeans and headed down after I peed. Joey was in a good mood for no reason other than the fact that he was a happy fellow. He has set up two plates and two glasses He took out a can of Jolt Orange Soda and poured it in a glass, and then he poured a glass of regular orange soda into another glass. The timer for the microwave went off I smelled the chicken and my mouth started to water. He had apparently been singing to wake me up because there was a pot on the stove just sitting and I could only assume it was the rice. There was crabregoon heating up in the oven and a stir-fry vegetable dish in a skillet.          The teriyaki reached my nose all at once I inhaled deeply. Joey went back over to the stove and Stirred the vegetables; he then picked up the pan and took off the lid moved back to the table putting plentiful piles of rice on both plates making volcano tops to put the chicken in.          He then reached into the oven and placed the crabregoon on two smaller plates and set them above the larger plates. Two each he really was busy this morning. And what Chinese place opened this early? The Chicken and vegetables were next. Chicken on the rice, vegetables next to that making the meal look very big and very yummy. He sat me down at the place with the Jolt soda and placed the napkin in my lap still singing with his tenor voice.
         “Eat!” He commanded before stabbing his food with a fork. I used chopsticks instead and tasted the savory chicken; it was the best he had found so far. The Brunch was good and it was apparent that my parents had gone to church already and wouldn’t be back for a few hours.          Mama likes to do her shopping on Sunday’s after church; she would say that it is good for her soul and she finds the best things on Sunday. Papa would say that it’s just motivation to go to church. I say it’s both. About a year ago I started taking a different car then my parents for that reason. Joey was done eating first and sat just looked at me.
         “You know it’s not you, right?”
         “What’s not me?” I asked after I finished chewing on piece of teriyaki veggies.
         “Dave’s actions. He doesn’t know what he’s missing. He doesn’t understand the concept of love. He doesn’t know it can come in many, many forms. He thinks that only one kind of love exists and that is Man and Woman. He just doesn’t understand. It’s not your fault and I don’t think he hates you.”
         I didn’t respond. I didn’t have the crush, Dave did and that wasn’t my fault. I put down my chopsticks, picked up the glass letting it meet my lips before swallowing its high caffeine content. “Lets watch a movie.”
         “What movie?”
         “Your pick I don’t wanna watch anything musical.”
         “That eliminates all the good ones,” he mock protested. I glanced up at him a small smile daring to grace my lips. “Okay okay ummm… how about… Princess Bride?”
         “Too sappy…”
         “As you wish.” He said quoting the movie.
         “That isn’t funny.”
         “Well it could have been.” He shrugged. “Okay how about Cable Guy?”
         “Jim Carey this early?”
         “It’s not early for me. Besides I thought you liked Matthew Broderick.”
         “Okay well he is a good actor, so why not.”
         “Okay you get the baby-sitter ready and I will clean the kitchen.”
         “Okay not a problem.”
         “Maria?”
         “Yeah?”
         “Are you really my friend?”
         “No, now stop quoting the movie.” I smiled at him.
         I stood up, before I could get away he kissed my head and looked into my eyes checking to make sure I was really okay. I put in the movie and changed the output channel and fast-forwarded through the previews. I stopped the movie before the opening credits and went back into the kitchen; there was a glass of Jolt waiting for me.
         “I shouldn’t be having this much caffeine.”
         “And why might I ask shouldn’t you?”
         “Because it’s not healthy.”
         “Living isn’t healthy and you do that, so live a little; besides, watching Jim Carey with that much caffeine is really funny.”
         “If you say so.” I replied before gulping down half the glass. “Your turn.” I said giving him the rest.
         “If you insist.” He finished off the remaining ten ounces in one swallow and put the glass on the counter. “Okay what next?”
         “Caffeine free Pepsi with Vodka.” I replied too quickly.
         “Aye Aye Captain!” He saluted me before getting the Vodka down from the cabinet. We fixed two glasses drowned them then made more before going in to watch the movie. Joey sat on the couch and motioned for me to join him. I grabbed the remote and we sat in the lovers’ position with me between his legs and his right leg, not being squeezed between the couch and me, over my right leg. I held his arms under my breast and leaned my head against his chest. He was playing the role of protective older brother; it was a deeply consoling feeling. When the movie was over and Jim Carey had killed the baby-sitter I got up to head upstairs and take a shower. Joey started singing loudly and I smiled at his tender, caring voice.
         The next day at school Cody approached me, apologized and we made up. We weren’t going to stop being friends just because of one small fight. The day was normal, Josh was slightly quieter, but he looked really tired, and he still gave me a friendly hello. I didn’t see Dave except from behind once. I got to class before I caught up with him.
         Tuesday however I was greeted by Derrick, another one of the football players, he told me that Dave felt awful and asked if I would stop by the football field before practice so Dave could see me. He wanted to apologize in private, not where people would see him. I told Derrick I would and I thanked him. After school practice starts at 3:30 a half hour after school ends so I started heading for the football field only five after figuring I would like to be at the field before Dave but Derrick greeted me and told me Dave wasn’t on the field yet but told me everything was fine and reassured me how sorry Dave was.
         Then it happened, he called me a dyke, and I knew I was in trouble. I tried to get away from him but I couldn’t. Some of the other players had joined shortly after that, they lifted me up and carried me to a spot that couldn’t be seen from the road. I hated them; I hated being weaker than they were. I searched the faces for Dave or Josh: they weren’t there. It was a relief because I knew I was going to get beaten up. What I didn’t think would happen slowly began surfacing when one of the guys unbuttoned my pants to yank down my jeans and panties. I was gagged, gang raped. I kept my eyes open to see the faces. I had had two of them inside me when I heard someone shouting. It was a different shouting it wasn’t someone chanting “fuck the dyke” it was someone screaming for ‘them’ to stop. I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I knew I didn’t deserve this but I knew that some had it worse. I knew not all of the team was here; there was still JR. Varsity and more Varsity players. I suddenly feared for Cody more than I feared for myself. Someone was helping me except it hadn’t stopped yet. The yelling continued and the chanting stopped. Josh was there he untied the gag and tried not to look below my face. I pulled up my jeans; Josh asked if I was okay. I felt blood and semen running down my legs and I was shaking. I ran leaving all my confidence behind with the football players.
         Joey and Cody were at the minivan sharing a joke, they immediately stopped when they saw me. Joey wanted to know what had happened to me and all I could do was cry. Cody helped me get in the back and left me alone when I shoved her hand away. She sat up front while Joey drove away from the school. Cody was let out at her house and Joey fumed. I continued to cry while he drove to the house. He helped me out and started to carry me inside but I wouldn’t let him. I wanted to walk in myself. Mama and papa would be home in only a couple of hours and I wanted to be clean and collected when they got home.
         Joey followed me into the bathroom; he wanted to know what was going on. I couldn’t speak I shoved him out of the bathroom and I pulled off my jeans, threw them out at him and then he saw the blood.
         “They raped me. It hurts.” I was shaking my voice trembled. I was too weak to move. The tub was halfway full with lukewarm water. I managed to pull off the rest of my cloths. I was trembling and I wasn’t sure I could make it into the bathtub by myself but I stayed strong and managed to let myself sink down in the tub.
         I took the cloth I had grabbed from above the toilet to wash my face. I didn’t want to touch down there because it still hurt. I put it back in the water. The water was turning pink against the white tub and I knew they had hurt me. I started washing my back and around my shoulders. I added liquid soap to the water, when I was done with my back I moved to my feet and washed each leg separately. I only washed to my mid thigh then stood up. I pulled the plug on the bathtub and turned on the shower. I aimed the hot showerhead towards my head hoping it would scorch the memory from me. I cleaned the rest of myself chocking back tears that had formed in the back of my throat.
         I got out of the tub and dried myself but I was still shaking. I walked out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel and Joey had cloths set out on the bed for me.
         Then the doorbell rang and because Joey had gone downstairs to make tea he answered it. Josh was there he looked scared. He had a black eye forming; he held my backpack and purse. Joey didn’t want to let him in but I asked him in anyway.
         Josh was concerned about me. “Are you okay Maria? Is there anything I can do?” He asked first.
         “No.” Joey answered for me. I didn’t know so I stayed silent.
         “I am sorry about all of this I would have been here sooner but I couldn’t find your house. I quit the football team. I am not going to associate with anyone who can do what they did.”
         “Do you think that makes up for what they did to her?” Joey snapped.
         “No it doesn’t but it’s all I can do. I saw Jamie but I don’t know who else did this. Maria you can tell me I promise I will back you up if you want to take it to the principal, the court, whatever I can do I will do it.”
         “No.” I said. I wasn’t going to tell anyone. “No.” I said it even louder. Joey took me in his arms. I felt so weak and helpless even if I knew I wasn’t but Joey needed to hold me as mush as I needed for him to hold me.
         “It’s okay Maria, I am here nothing bad is going to happen now.” I started crying again and Josh looked perplexed. “You can leave now, you know where the door is.”
         “I’m sorry. Let me know if there is anything I can do.” Josh got up and left. I stopped crying in a few minutes.
         “I don’t want anybody to know. Please Joey. Please don’t tell.”
         “Mama needs to know.”
         “No. No one Joey, promise me.”
He held me rocking back and forth. No one I kept thinking no one should know.
         “No one Joey.” I repeated out load.
         “Okay Maria No one.” He finally gave in.
I wanted to go to sleep never wake up but I couldn’t. If I was going to be normal I had to wake up in the morning go to school and be normal. I had to do my homework. I had to be a good student and I couldn’t tell anyone. I was going to be normal. I wasn’t going to let them change me. I am still Maria and I still have Joey and all my other friends and I am still alive and I didn’t do anything wrong.
         I slept in Joey’s arms that night he really was my angle. He held me tightly when I woke him up because I was crying he sang to me to help me fall back asleep.
         Wednesday was almost unbearable but I had to prove to myself that I could make it. News traveled quickly that Josh had quit the football team and when people saw him walking me to every classroom rumors started. I had sixth period with his girlfriend she was being a bitch to me.
         “So why does a nice boy like Josh suddenly get interested in a fat ugly dyke like you? Did you do something to him you bitch! I bet you did!” The teacher was always late, and wasn’t there yet, but I didn’t talk to her I couldn’t. If I opened my mouth I knew I was going to cry. Someone started a chant “Maria the Dyke” the teacher walked in unnoticed by some but I kept looking ahead not responding. I wanted Joey or Brendan but they weren’t there I wanted to get up and run away, but I had to prove to all of them that I was stronger then the hate. The teacher had a nice little chat with the class about respect, and then someone yelled out that dykes were a sin and all dykes burned in hell. I didn’t respond. The teacher wrote out a referral to the office and made the kid sign it and had his teacher aide walk her down to the office. The rest of the class period was business as usual, except Josh was waiting for me at the door when the bell rang. His girlfriend came out after I did and she jumped on him kissed him and asked him to leave me alone. She said I wasn’t worth his attention. He shoved her back and told her if she really felt that way that they were through. She looked stupefied I started walking away. Josh caught up with me quickly enough. I hugged my books tightly. We had one more period before the end of the day Josh and I shared that class. It felt safer sharing a class with Josh. I felt safer.
         I took my seat without thinking about whom I sat next to. But when Jamie walked in he threw a mock punch at Josh then took the seat to the right of mine. The teacher expected this because they were football players and because that was the assigned seating. I was uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be there I knew Josh and Joey couldn’t protect me forever. I was on the verge of tears again when the bell rang and class started. The teacher put in a video. Jamie kept making remarks under his breath for me to hear. I wanted the video to end and it didn’t help that the teacher didn’t require notes because then I would have something to concentrate on, but writing during a video was prohibited, so I sat next to my rapist while staring at the screen. I received a note in my locker after class that said: ALL DYKE KIND BURN! It nearly had me choking but Joey grabbed it and tore it in small pieces. I was safe Joey and Josh surrounded me and I was safe.
         I was safe but Cody wasn’t. When we finally got out to the minivan, Cody was next to it unconscious and bleeding. She had a sign on her Shirt that screamed out: AIDS FUCKER: CONTAGIOUS! Joey bent down to wake her up. She came around but she was woozy and disoriented.          Josh held me as Joey helped Cody into the backseat. I wanted to scream, shout, kill but it wouldn’t solve anything, so I didn’t. Josh got into the van holding Cody as we traveled away from the school for the second day in a row full of fury.
         On Thursday Joey and one of my gal friends were beat up.
         Friday it was another one of the guys and more notes and new chants.
         The weekend was calm Joey and I didn’t go to church on Sunday. I feigned being sick. Joey offered to stay so mama and papa could go to church.
         Monday Josh was ambushed before school. Cody and I felt less safe at school then anywhere else. The group was uneasy.
         Josh on Tuesday started to come to the house before we picked up Cody would ride with us to school that way. The guys in the group traveled with the girls to and from classes in groups of three or four. We were holing our breaths waiting for the next beating and I was waiting for someone to be sexually assaulted, I knew I would find out about it because Cody was told everything and if Cody knew so would I and then I would have to come out about my rape but I didn’t want to. But more then that I didn’t want anyone else getting raped. I couldn’t stand being touched in the halls. Even innocent little brushes made me flinch I almost went crazy from the contact in the large school but I had no way of taking an alternate route and I had to deal with the touching as best I could.
         On Thursday Brendan was informed of the happenings at the school, but not about my incident and he was outraged. He came to the house and I started crying when he wanted to know why this was happening. Only Joey, Cody, and Josh knew the real why; everyone else assumed the answer and they were mostly right. A couple of the girls stopped talking to Cody and I didn’t blame them but I didn’t want to blame Cody so I didn’t. Brendan did blame Cody he wanted to go ring her “stupid emotional jealous” neck and if it hadn’t been for Joey I think he would have. Brendan was even more furious when I wouldn’t tell him why I had started crying.
         Christmas break was weeks away and we could put up with it for that long. I was sure, even if Joey wasn’t. I could be strong enough. It was getting far to cold to wait out by the van anyway. I wasn’t going to let the people ruin me. The harassment went down Josh was the main target and the notes thinned out too but they were still there. Once a day, usually after school in my locker, I would find a note. I stopped going to my locker. Then the notes were put in my purse or bag. Someone wanted to make sure that I knew that they thought I was going to hell. I threw the notes away in big gestures in front of the whole class. Jamie still taunted me but I ignored him. The teacher imposed a detention a word. Jamie had several detentions when he was stupid enough to get loud enough to be heard. It was satisfying in a way.
         My November period was late; when it came it was so small I knew something was wrong. I made Joey go get me an at home pregnancy test. He brought back three. I peed on two of them they were both positive. I dipped the third one in the flushed toilet water and Joey was so relieved he hugged me then took me out for ice cream. I called Josh that night. I told him he needed to do me a favor that Joey wasn’t to know about until after it happened. He agreed reluctantly, then I told him what I wanted him to do his voice lowered and he asked me how so I told him about the bar and how Joey never went with me there.
         On Friday, I told Joey I was going to the bar, I didn’t want to see him till late Saturday, I loved him, and I would be careful. I didn’t take the van, instead I had him drive me to Cody’s house, where Josh was suppose to be in half an hour, then I shooed him away and thanked Cody profusely and promised her I would fill her in just as soon as I got back. Josh picked me up and looked at my outfit with interest. It was a typical bar outfit for me. Strap sandals and a low cut tight shirt with form fitting jeans and my usual amount of makeup.
         “Do you have directions?”
         “Yeah pretend your going to I-37.” I told him. We drove for three hours before we reached the clinic that I was willing to go to. The nurses were very helpful after we explained to them how and why I was pregnant, they assigned me the night nurse Martha who was nice, she helped me calm down and explained that I was a very good person. She let Josh stay with me in the small room, he curled up in a chair next to me. I didn’t sleep much, but it was okay when the doctor came in the morning I was the first abortion patient. In the recovery room, Josh sat next to the bed holding my hand. I started crying again. He whispered to me, it was soothing. He told me a story about his mother and father; he said his mother and father had gotten divorced because his father was in love with a man and it helped some. I fell asleep shortly after the story; he was still next to me when I woke up holding my hand. I didn’t want to go back but the clinic was cold and I had to go tell Joey. I didn’t want to tell Cody but she had covered for me with Joey besides I had promised. Cody hugged me telling me everything was okay. Josh drove me home and Joey came out the door upset.
         “You were with Josh?”
         “Yes.” I answered.
         “Why?”
         “He drove me.” It was the truth.
         “Where?”
         “A clinic…”
         “Maria Ohh Maria why, the test was negative.”
         “No it wasn’t. I gave you a fake one the other two were positive. I had an abortion, I’m sorry but I didn’t want you to hurt anyone and I know you don’t like abortions and I didn’t want you to be involved, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I sobbed. Josh handed over my purse and bag to Joey and the two of us stepped inside I had today and tomorrow to rest before Semester finals. Joey took me in he was more tense but he lay me down on his bed and started singing. His eyes gave away his disappointment in my decision but he was trying not to let his personal beliefs get in the way of our relationship. I understood him, that’s why I hadn’t put him in the position of driving me to the clinic. I slept uneasily I hadn’t wanted to kill anything but I had and I knew in my heart it was for the best even if my brain was telling me something different. Joey was looking out the window when I woke up near nightfall and his hands were trembling and his face looked sullen. “Joey?” my voice was sleep filled.
         He looked at me I could see the drying tears on his cheeks. “It’s okay Maria.” He wiped his eyes and walked over to the bed. He hugged me tightly, “I can forgive you. It’s okay, I understand now.” He hugged me even more tightly I knew it was his way of releasing the memory the child that he had known about for only a few hours.
         The harassment continued even during finals, but it was tolerable because I had killed part of Derrick when I had aborted his child and that gave me the upper hand. I passed the semester only slightly worse than I had last semester, but it was still good. Break was welcome and we had a nice Christmas dinner with red and green cakes and rolls and jams and salads the only thing that wasn’t red or green was the ham. It was a cheerful time with Joey there. I fixed myself a Vodka Jolt when mama and papa weren’t looking but they wouldn’t have cared. Joey took it away from me when I had only drank half and drank some himself before giving it back to me. During Vacation Joey and I went out with Josh once but not more then that. Josh had to go out of town and we wanted to be happy. We spent more time with Brendan because it helped that he didn’t know about the rape or even the child who I named “D”. Brendan was still mad at Cody and wouldn’t even talk to her, but Cody didn’t want to be around anyone, she had declined the offer of attending the Christmas party we were having. Brendan gave me a necklace with a double Venus symbol on it and said I could were it wherever I wanted; he would get the chain for it.
         Joey was falling hard for me I could tell but I knew I was falling for him too. Joey wanted to be just my brother, but he knew that I knew that he felt more; and he restrained himself. We had gone through so much already.
         I couldn’t imagine not being a lesbian or not liking girls the way I did, but I knew Joey was right for me. I felt it with my being and I knew I was going to regret not opening myself up to the possibility that Joey and I might work well together. In January we had our first date and our last because I didn’t want to hurt him more and the longer we went out the harder it would have been for him.
         Things didn’t change at school. Josh and Joey were beat, I was tormented, and Cody was beat and harassed but still it wasn’t something to worry over anymore. The rest of the group was taunted but the four of us received the brute work.
         I admired Josh because he could have joined in, he could have turned his back on us, he could have been a tormenter, he could have left me there and watched as the players had there turn with me, and he cold have been oblivious to all of it, but he wasn’t and I respected him for that. Joey and Josh got along and weren’t great friends but that didn’t matter. Together they were my saviors, they received beating after beating for me and they eventually made their attackers look worse then they looked and by April the fighting had stopped. Cody and I were left alone minus a hateful note occasionally. I had limited my crying time to three minutes a week and it worked for me and there were weeks I didn’t cry at all. I just went up and hugged Joey that was all I needed.
         In May we graduated, I would never have to enter that school again and our group, including Josh, went to celebrate at The Park. Josh had received his acceptance to Yale University and we drank to that. Cody was getting out of town where more of us were left behind and we drank to that. Joey and I had a good partnership and we drank to that. We were drunk enough that we started drinking to the small stuff. At one point the smaller group drank to the death of D. It wasn’t the nicest thing but it was important to me. The fetus hadn’t been my child it had been hates’ child and I knew very well that I couldn’t live with it, I would not have been a good mother even if I had tried. That was not a life to give to a child not even the child of your enemy. We drank until we were falling over and the designated drivers took us home. Joey and I were singing a Mexican folk song when we walked in the front door.
         I guess in this paragraph I am obligated to tell you that I reformed from my lesbian ways that a boy and I got married, I wore a white dress and now we live in a nice home with children playing at our feet, but that didn’t happen. I am a lesbian and I always will be. I am still a virgin but I’m looking for the perfect girl. She doesn’t have to be pretty or smart, she just has to love me for all that I am and accept my past as my past not as who I am now. I guess I’m looking for the female version of Joey, but then again I‘m probably not. I wanted to love Joey and he loved me but I couldn’t fool myself, Cody was right I didn’t want to face who I was and it got me in trouble. I never found out what Dave had said to his pals, but I figured at the least he told them what he thought had gone on between Cody and me.
          Right now I just want to live, so that’s what I am doing. I am never going to forget Dave or Derrick or Jamie or even D but I do know they aren’t going to plague my dreams and haunt me. Josh and Joey showed me what real people are like, and that’s how I will live. Simply surviving that autumn seemed impossible at the time and without Joey and Josh I don’t think I could have. SO now I live and I thank them both everyday in my heart for everything they did for me. If they know how much I depended on them, I don’t know. But they were my saviors and that is think I will always remember.

END

Please R&R Thankies^^