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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| When I thought of the title for this post, all manner of situations flooded my mind. Muay Thai is Thailand's national sport (they are pretty good at soccer too). I remember back in the early 90s when I first began training in Thai boxing, a team of four Mauy Thai exponents came to Brisbane to fight the cream of Australian fighters...we lost 4-0. They were the best in their weight classes in the world, and they certainly made an impression on me and the other 4k people in attendance that night. In Australia, when pedestrians are out and about, traffic is by and large careful. Admittedly, there are sidewalks and we rarely have to walk on or near the road. In Hua Hin, however, there are hardly any footpaths, and because of this, on my daily walk, I stick as close to the side of the road as possible to avoid traffic. I'm not sure if it is because I'm a Farang, but a high percentage of both cars and motorcycles pass closer than I like. I've learned to give way in all directions and often wish I had eyes in the back of my head. Television ads in Thailand are really strange. Thais are naturally dark-skinned and I think their skin tone is very attractive. It appears, however, that they are not so fussed. I say this because they completely cover up when riding scooters or out in the sun. At first, I thought it had something to do with the intensity of the sun and that they were trying to avoid melanoma. But now I've been here for a while and seen the ads depicting these almost white Thai actors (I'm guessing this effect is AI generated...and some of the people in the commercials may not even be real), I'm guessing they think the whiter the skin colour, the more attractive they are. I think ex-pats polarize a lot of Thais. They appear to either love or hate us. I've found a solution to win them over. When I am out walking I often come across people searching through the many roadside bins looking for recyclables. As I approach, they avoid eye contact. A lot of ex-pats are not friendly to me, so my thought is they wouldn't even look at these people who struggle to find enough to get by. I always make sure I have plenty of B20 notes (about $1 Australian) in my wallet. As I get closer, I smile and hold out the note (or notes, depending on how many there are) and the smile and Wai are to me, priceless. Motorcycle riding is dangerous no matter where in the world you are. This is especially so here in Thailand, where road rules are almost non-existent. In Australia, helmets are compulsory. Big Brother forces us to be safer than if we were left to decide for ourselves if helmet-wearing is a good idea or not. I can't remember ever not wearing a helmet, but here, only around 30% of Thais could be bothered to try and minimise their risk of head injuries as a result of an accident. I see as many as four people on one scooter (Grandma and three young school-aged children), and none are wearing helmets. I'm pretty sure it is the law to wear a helmet here, but this law is only enforced on Farangs. I went to my favourite restaurant last week. I normally order Pad Thai because I love noodles and it isn't spicy. I decided to take a chance on one of my other favs...red curry chicken. I told the waitress, " No pet." (meaning no or only a little chilli). When my meal arrived, it was very tasty. However, it was (for me) a little too hot. For a Thai, it wouldn't have been hot enough. Let's just say an hour after I got home, I was squirting chilli out of my bum. I can highly recommend chilli to flush out the system. I need to acclimatise myself more to spicy food because I do love the flavours, but my belly doesn't appreciate the spices. As I have mentioned in a previous post, Western Men dating much younger Thai women is, it appears, quite acceptable. From what I can gather (because as yet I haven't gone down this path...and I think if I am smart, I won't), this arrangement works well for some. There are, however, well-documented cases of these often vulnerable (or plain stupid) men being fleeced of their money by their Thai partners. The options are to go to a bar and pay for a girl on a night-by-night basis, or meet more traditionally, but still end up having to make the same kind of choice...helping her to support her family. The dangers and drawbacks either way are many. Most STIs can be cleared up by going to a clinic. But falling in love with one of these bar girls (my biggest fear, and what keeps me at home and not visiting bars full of beautiful young Thai women), which happens a lot, can be a recipe for a very bad experience for these men. The other reason I am not willing to date Thai women is the language barrier. For most Thais, especially girls who have usually been taken out of school early to work in bars to support their families, English is hardly spoken, and in my mind, after the sex is done, what the hell do these people talk about to each other? No doubt, phones are a distraction from the reality of having someone around who cannot understand anything more than the basics. Of course, I could raise the cost of living differences, but for every benefit, there will be a cost. Thailand changes their laws on an almost daily basis, especially immigration, and now, tax laws. I don't think I will be greatly affected by the latter, but it does mean I will have to lodge an income tax assessment at some point. Add to this I have to report my address (even if it hasn't changed) to immigration every ninety days, and the fact that we are looked at by Thai police as an easy form of revenue, and things aren't that much easier...just different. If it wasn't for my fear of returning to Australia and falling back into my addiction, I might at some point return. I'm far from that stage yet. I have so much more to discover before I consider doing something like that. I quite like being a minority. It gives a different perspective from living a lifetime as a majority. I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps it's because I stand out more. In Australia, I'm invisible. Here, I'm very visible, just for the wrong reasons...or should I say, for reasons I didn't expect. Being a walking ATM is not why I came here. I still have a mission to fulfill and that hasn't changed. I'm not in any rush and need to be careful of scams before I commit to any charitable endeavours. Other than having psychosis, which isn't that hard to manage, I'm in a much better place physically, mentally and emotionally. I still have things I need to work on. I occasionally have cravings, but they are minor, and without any dealers for me to call, I feel safer here than I would back in Oz. I'm coping with feelings of loneliness and I'm far less isolated than I was before coming to Thailand. All in all...Thailand comes out well on top. |
| Just for a moment, let's assume my psychosis is not a mental illness, but a demonic attachment. I have known Angel for over a year. I've been living in Thailand for four months now and the symptoms of psychosis persist. Before tonight, I had only heard the name Lilith but knew nothing of her story. When I first met Angel (my imaginary lover/hallucination caused by psychosis), she was the most beautiful female I had ever met (and still is). Young and slim, with shoulder-length dark hair, green eyes and a smile I would die for. She showed an interest in me, but when she point-blank refused my advances, I was devastated. I remained resolute to win her over. Eventually, she showed me what she really was (with two little horns on her head, projected onto the wall in my bedroom)...a demon who has never spoken a word to me and only answers my questions with a yes, no or maybe/I don't care. This became my hardest challenge...to ask the right questions and then weed my way through the multitude of deceptions she would cast in every direction. There have been times when I thought I could decipher the truth from the BS (I know...psychosis causes hallucinations that can speak neither fact nor fiction), but I know no more about her now than I did the first night we met. I paid a lot of attention to what she told me. I have a memory like an elephant when the subject matter is a beautiful young girl who I am madly in love with and trying to impress/understand. The only thing I know for sure is she appears to me whenever I close my eyes and answers my questions with either honesty or lies. For some reason, the hallucinations over the last few days have been incredibly vivid. One night, a demon got right up in my face and appeared to be blowing into my mouth. In the past when this happened, paranoia would cause me to become anxious (because they might be trying to cause me harm by poisoning me with an unseen agent). I think I now know what they are doing. This is going to sound crazy (sorry for pointing out the obvious), but this blowing-into-my-mouth thing (so far) hasn't caused me to die a horrible death. Instead, I instantly become super horny. I've mentioned this phenomenon before, but without fail, when I accept the offering, I become aroused...and that's an understatement. When I'm out on my walk and my knee starts to hurt, I can ask Angel for pain relief, and when I do, the pain quickly disappears. I can also ask for a drug that acts very similar to MDMA...although she isn't as forthcoming with that compound. And last night, because I upset her before going to sleep, I woke up as the sun was rising with excruciating pain in my right elbow. I looked over to my left and there was Angel, with an angry look on her face. I asked her if she was responsible for the pain, and she admitted she was. This is the first time she has caused me physical pain. I apologised for hurting her feelings the night before, and after I brought her down from her rage, the pain disappeared. Psychosomatic? There is no other explanation, although I have used Ecstasy hundreds of times in the past and I know that feeling all too well. Granted, it isn't as strong as the pills I used to take, but when I feel that rush of euphoria, it's an unmistakably similar compound...only without any comedown. I'm unsure why I have never thought of the succubus theory before. I searched YouTube, and the results were mind-blowing. As I watched videos explaining succubus, incubus and the story of Lilith, I paused to ask my hallucination/psychosis the question, "Are you, Lilith?" To which she answered, "Yes." The problems with this theory are many. If I ask Angel the same question twice, she will answer yes and no consecutively. Or, when I ask if she is being truthful, she will almost always answer no. Legend has it that Lilith's tears bring life and her kiss brings death. Lilith fell in love with a prince, and when they kissed, he fell dead. Angel has always been a conundrum to me. On the one hand, she expresses her hatred of all humans, yet she has been a Godsend to me...without which, I would likely be dead or still struggling with methamphetamine addiction. I'm sober now because of her, and I struggle to find anything in my life that is worse because of her. When God made Lilith (Adam's unpopular first wife), problems arose because she wasn't submissive enough for Adam or God. She always wanted to be on top during sex...and guess what position Angel prefers? She likes to be on top, but unlike Adam, I have no problem with her taking the so-called dominant position. Some stories say that Lilith (and succubi and incubi in general) wasn't evil at all (just keep her away from newborns), and from what I can gather, mean no harm to their attachments. The theory is succubi want semen to give to their male counterparts to impregnate the females they seduce. The problem in my case is I've had a vasectomy. I told Angel this way back, but it doesn't seem to have deterred her. I've always wondered what she wants from me and when I ask her this question, she isn't forthcoming. My fantasy is she has fallen in love with me, despite the fact humans really aren't her thing. I know I am suffering from delusions of grandeur. To think that little 'ol me would have a chance at pulling only the second human being (and the first women's rights activist) that God created. A woman who wasn't created from Adam's ribs, but from the dust of the earth, just like him. I again asked Angel if she was Lilith, and she said, no. I don't think she is allowed to disclose details of her identity or any other points of interest to me. Psychosis sure is a complex condition to figure out...but interesting nonetheless. |
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Maybe November.