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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/arismeir
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52 Public Reviews Given
55 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)

Written for Maureen with Sincerity,

It has been my pleasure to review your piece:
"Any Review is a Good Review?" Open in new Window. [E]

Overall Impression

Positive
         *Bullet* Whereas most authors of such articles focus upon handling criticism, few stress the fact that being read is success in and of itself. Most authors' true goal is to be read, after all. You have quite the enlightening perspective.
Negative
         *Bullet* You seem to have accidentally omitted words and/or used the wrong forms. I would attribute such to over-editing errors. Happens to all of us. ;) I do feel that it is quite rough, though, and in need of a serious revision. On the plus side, I found no misspelled words.

Areas of Tension


”I tried my hardest, poured my blood and sweat into this piece.“
         *Bullet* There seems to be a piece missing here. I would assume the word 'and,' in which you will wish to omit the comma.

”I spent countless hours over the right word, and the best phrase.“
         *Bullet* Here, the word 'over' is an adverb, not a verb. Thusly, a verb is required. Even a word so simple as 'going' will suffice. The comma is also unnecessary, as commas only follow conjunctions when combining two separate sentences or in extreme examples when necessary for clarity.

"I lost more sleep, when I was worrying over the next piece, and working through details in my head that were sometimes elusive.“
         *Bullet* The phrases above are all likely assumed by the reader and thus only serve to bog the article down. Omitting them would help tighten the piece. The comma is also unnecessary.

”I fought myself to keep writing and not just keep re-editing the same piece over and over again.“
         *Bullet* Again, this is likely unnecessary wordiness.

”Then there were those other times, when it came to me like breathing, and just seemed to flow out of me whole and fully formed.“
         *Bullet* The structure here is so muddled that it is actually confusing as to what you mean. By omitting the underlined words, and changing the underlined 'flow' to 'flowing,' it should greatly improve the clarity of this passage.

Note: From this point on, you switch from the past tense to the present tense. You should select the tense that works best for your piece and keep to it.

”When it’s done, I take this piece, this poem, short story, novel, or essay, and I put it out there for the world to see.“
         *Bullet* 'This piece' is unnecessary, as all further examples are more focused. All of them are technically pieces. 'There' is simply unnecessary.

”They look at the toil of my labors and they know they see words, but they don’t know that they are looking at a piece of me, a piece of my heart, my soul, and probably a DNA strand or two.“
         *Bullet* 'know they' can be omitted to strengthen the piece. The second underlined section really doesn't seem to bring your point across. You may wish to try something along the lines of 'see is what I have put into it:' Just a thought.

”You try to move on and start on your next piece, but all the while you know that little bit of you is hanging out before the world.
“
         *Bullet* 'You' as used in this context would refer to the reader, when I believe you mean to refer to yourself. You also seem to be missing the word 'a' where I placed an underline.

”Then suddenly it happens, you get a review, and it’s just more of their words talking about your words.“
         *Bullet* The words that you use simulate an abrupt happening. There is no need to use the word 'suddenly'. A comma is also missing from after the word 'Then.' The second underlined section is very confusing. Honestly, offering ideas would simply be rewrites. Just wished to point it out.

”They talk about how they liked this and they didn’t like that, and oh you missed a comma or forgot to Capitalize Utah.“
         *Bullet* First off, are they 'talk'ing or are they 'writing' a review? Secondly, I am not certain if this was done purposely (and if so, please ignore my mention), but you are missing a comma after 'oh' and the 'c' in 'Capitalize' should be lowercase.

”Yet for a moment you feel slightly stunned, not by whether they did like it or didn’t like it, or how stupid you have to be to forget to capitalize Utah, but the fact that you connected.“
         *Bullet* You are missing a comma after 'Yet'. As per the words 'feel' and 'slight,' I must ask this. Can one feel stunned without being stunned? Also, can someone be slightly stunned (or very stunned for that matter)?

”Because if you think about it, just for a moment, you know that to take the time to read your piece, and then write a review about your piece, which requires at least a little bit of their blood, sweat, and DNA, you connected.“
         *Bullet* The beginning portion could be made more powerful by simply writing 'It takes'. You may wish to add the word 'own' after 'a little bit of their,' and you may wish to replace the underlined 'and' with 'or'. Finally, I would replace the last comma with a colon.

”If you hadn’t then they wouldn’t have wasted any of their blood, sweat, or DNA on you at all.
“
         *Bullet* You may wish to add 'made a connection' after 'hadn't', just to clarify the point. Also, there is no need to reiterate what they have spent on you (as you just did in the sentence before). I would replace it with 'themselves.'

Final Recommendations

         *Bullet* I like the concept that you are trying to convey, but unnecessary and missing words and confusing phrases are likely to confuse your readers. Mistakes in punctuation only add to the confusion. Please understand that there is a lot of potential for this piece, I just believe there is still a rough around this diamond.

With consideration to the preceding,
I confidently rate this piece: *Star**Star* .

If it ever strikes your fancy to modify this piece,
Please inform me so that I may update my review as well.

Be well and blessed.
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Editor's Note: Any comments and/or suggestions regarding this review's template would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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Review of Space Holder  Open in new Window.
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is quite amusing!
It is an interesting look into the inner-workings of Writing.com. :)

Actually, I have something similar on a MUCK (An online telnet roleplaying community, mayhap you have heard of them). I was creating various 'rooms', one of which I was to be my bedroom. After creating it, I noticed that it was item 130,000. Perhaps not as neat as 99,999, but it struck me as fortuitous at the time. :)

Anyhow, thank you for an amusing glimpse into the world behind Writing.com!

Also, while I am writing this: Spiff Halloween design for the site! Very nice!

Be well.
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PS: A 5.0 for the nostalgia. ;)
3
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Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a nice, heart-pulling story that is well-suited for the flash fiction form that it was put into.

There are a few rough areas, which I have outlined below:

"...red streaks going all the way up my arm..."
         *Bullet* This just sounds a bit awkward. There are a variety of ways to fix it, whether by changing the verb, the phrase following it, or both, it is up to you. One reason why it is likely so awkward is that the streaks are not actually moving, as 'going' would imply. Just a thought!

"Finally, a few hours later we decided we’d better look for her."
         *Bullet* Seeing as the reader has only just begun reading, it seems awkward to use the word 'finally.' Omitting it would likely resolve the issue.

""Bobby, I found her!" Her voice was shaking, but I didn’t notice."
         *Bullet* If this were not in the first person, this would be fine, but as it is, one generally cannot include details (unless written as afterthoughts) that they did not notice at the time without it sounding strange.

"I sprinted over as fast as I could to where she was standing."
         *Bullet* For whatever reason, this sentence is very awkward. I cannot offer any specific resolutions, but hopefully you have a few ideas. :)

""I bet the doctor can fix that, right mom?""
         *Bullet* The 'm' in Mom needs to be capitalized.

Overall, I rate this piece a 4.0. Although it has a few errors and rough spots, the piece is well-written, does not seem to be rushed (like some flash fiction), and does in fact manage to evoke emotion in its limited size.

If at any point you choose to make changes to this piece,
Do let me know and I will happily re-rate it.

Thank you and be well.
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Note: I just realized that all of your flash fiction pieces will be rated as one. I would love to rate each individually. That not being possible, I'll let this rating stay. :)

Be well!
4
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Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
In regards to "Awards Ceremony",

I found no obvious grammatical or spelling errors, and indeed, your piece weighs in at a mere 298 words, but I would hesistate to call it a story, per say.

A story, in the literary since, must possess four elements, in one form or another:

         *Bullet*Setting
         *Bullet*Characters
         *Bullet*Plot
         *Bullet*Conflict
         *Bullet*Resolution

One may be creative with all of these elements, but none can be absent from a piece called a story.

The one that I feel (and please, understand this is merely my opinion) is absent is conflict.

In a longer piece, conflict may have been expressed via anticipation, but in a piece so short, it would be difficult to bring such across.

Mayhap I missed an important aspect of it, however, for I am not educated regarding 'Philadelphia' nor 'Jack Vyertok'.

Please, feel free to Email me if you wish, and if you have any additional information and/or make any changes, I will be more than happy to re-rate it. :)

Be well.
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5
5
Review of The Bell  Open in new Window.
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Excellent ending. I just wish that I understood it the first time around!

Be well!
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Review of The Bell  Open in new Window.
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Indeed, you have quite the Gothic story here. Although the mad professor aspect is slightly cliche, you revel in that cliche. It is thoroughly well-written, and noticed but a few grammatical errors.

These errors are listed as following:

I knew him when I was just a young boy, and matured under his steady guidance.
         *Bullet* The comma is only necessary if separating two complete thoughts. As the latter part lacks a subject, this is merely a compound verb, not two sentences connected by a conjunction.

Late one Sunday evening a telegram arrived at my residence, informing me that Doctor Holtz required my immediate assistance.
         *Bullet* This section is actually missing a comma as illustrated by the underline.

Fittingly, it was a dreary grey afternoon, with spots of rain during our trek to the cemetery.
         *Bullet* 'spots of rain during our trek' simply sounds odd. An active verb seems to be required here, as oppossed to a passive verb. 'Followed' might be a good word to use here.

The gathering attendees cleared soon after, and I was left alone to enjoy the early evening air and the stillness of the cemetery.
         *Bullet* With 'cemetery' mentioned thrice in short order, this sounds redundant. I would recommend 'place' or some similar word.


I enjoyed the piece, but honestly do not understand the ending--

*Bullet* What is this white thread?
*Bullet* Was this pre-arranged?
         *Bullet* If so, why is he doing it if he was to turn Holtz in?


Finally, I have to wonder what became of his experiments. Was he truly insane, or did some glimmer of truth exist in his works?

I give this piece a 4.0.

If you ever choose to modify/revise this piece, feel free to Email me and I will gladly review it again.

Thank you and be well.
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Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello again!

I thought I would take a gander at another one of your flash fiction stories.

Although the point that it makes is amusing, my gripe is that it really doesn't tell a story. There is a setting and a character, but no conflict. Without conflict, even in flash fiction, it cannot be considered a story.

That aside, here are a few grammatical suggestions:

"Samantha's eyelids weighed heavy as drowning anchors..."
*Bullet* This part of the sentence simply reads awkwardly. 'Heavy' would have to be 'heavily,' the adverb form, as it is modifying the verb 'weighed,' and 'as' really should be 'like.' Finally, I'm not certain what is meant by a 'drowning anchor,' although that is likely just me. My suggestion here would be to replace 'heavily as drowning' with the word 'like.' It is short and to the point, and most people should understand the parallel between weight and an anchor.

"...when her focus on her screen went quickly from sharp to blur."
*Bullet* Here, I would replace the second 'her' with 'the', as it is assumed to be her screen, and it sounds redundant as is. Secondly, the word blur would likely be 'blurry.'

"...pick me up..."
*Bullet* I could be wrong regarding this one, but I believe it is properly written as 'pick-me-up.' Do look into it, though!

"...until she saw it."
*Bullet* This is my last point. Here, I would actually replace the word 'saw' with 'found' or some other such word, as she -is- searching for it after all.

Anyhow, I do apologize for the low rating. I am rating it as a story, and as I said, have conflict really is necessary. Although she is tired, and she is frantic when searching for the chocolate, there really is no obstacle, nor is there anything learned.

If it is of any comfort, though, my girlfriend feels that there is conflict. I think that she is simply biased, being quite often chocolate-rabid herself! ;)

As always, if you ever update this piece, feel free to Email me and I will update my rating! Be well!
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Review of Under the Bed  Open in new Window.
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I quite enjoyed this poem. There is something oddly appealing to it, although I cannot say that it entirely emulated my childhood fears.

For one reason or another, there always seemed to be black trash bags in my room. I would always see faces and shapes in them, and imagine terrible monsters hiding within and amongst their crumpled black forms. My father once told me that as long as I couldn't see them, they couldn't hurt me (and that they weren't real at all, but still). I took it to heart and so long as my head was beneath the blankets (and the rest of me too), I felt safe. :)

Now, more about your story...

I did have a little difficulty finding the rhythm. Perhaps it is beyond me, but I just couldn't seem to find the proper flow to it, although all of its splits seem quite intentional.

I give it a 4.0, because although it is quite excellent, my enjoyment was hampered by my inability to find the perfect flow (which, as I said, could just as easily be my own fault!), and that the comments at the end are rather poor, aestheticlaly.

With some careful WritingML or somesuch formatting, the quote at the end could look better. They just do not seem separated enough (although they clearly are). They are not quite appealing to the eyes.

If at any point you update this (or wish to help me find the rhythm!), I will gladly revise my rating.

Thank you and be well!
9
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Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Here we have an excellent, well-rounded article that provides a solid basis for writing good reviews. I more or less agree with all of your points, and will actually soon (when spare time permits) devise my own review format.

What I found best about this article (aside from the content itself) is the easy-to-read formatting. Too many articles bog down the reader by using large, ungainly paragraphs. Those used here are perfectly suited for the topic.

While reading, I did pick up on a few errors (or so I perceive!) along the way. I have outlined them below, but please, understand that they are merely my own thoughts. Certainly, some of this might be attributed to style!

*Bullet*"Writing a detailed review is time well spent."

The only reason that I mention this sentence is because, seeing as it is being used as a header, the capitalization is incorrect. All following titles also make use of typical title capitalization rules, so this also proves inconsistent.

Well, all of the titles except for:

*Bullet*"The Content Of A Review"

By typical rules, "Of A" should not be capitalized.


*Bullet*"Too much WritingML can ruin..."

This sentence looks as though it should have a carriage return before it.


*Bullet*"...more likely to be used by an author which means..."

This sentence sounds to be missing a comma between the words 'author' and 'which.'


*Bullet*"...respect that the author is an individual person."

This made me chuckle lightly. :) Is are not 'individual' and 'person' synonymous? Of course, 'individual' also means 'unique,' but in this case, it could be taken either way. It just struck me off-the-cuff as being redundant. Perhaps remove 'person' or use another adjective to describe it? Just my thoughts on it!


*Bullet*"...expand your own analytical skills allowing you to..."

Again, there seems to be a missing comma. In this sentence, I would place it between 'skills' and 'allowing.'


*Bullet*"Putting that into words and communicating that to another writer, ultimately helps the reviewer to improve his or her own writing skills, as well."

I do realize that I am being somewhat hypicritical here, copying sentences from a piece that recommends not to. Bear with me, though! I emphasized this entire sentence merely because I do not believe that it needs commas at all. I am not entirely certain regarding the last comma, though, so, like everything else, it is entirely up to your disgression!


*Bullet*"So it's about helping others, but it's a valuable way to help ourselves!"

This is the last sentence that I stumbled over. Although I understand the point being made, it is a very awkward sentence. I cannot determine what words truly make it so, thusly I would recommend rewriting it. Perhaps something simpler like "By helping overs, we are helping ourselves!" Or somesuch. :)


Overall, an excellent piece, but it has a few too many little areas that caught my eye to be given a perfect rating.

If any of my suggestions are taken, it would be my pleasure to rerate it! (After all, it would be quite flattering to have had influenced such a piece).

Thank you for the great article, for Writing.com at large, and be well!
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10
Review of An Experiment  Open in new Window.
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an aptly written piece with no noticeable grammatical issues. Congradulations!

I did catch one word omission, however:
"When she solved it, the editors of “Scientific American” would find it impossible disregard her."

'Impossible disregard her' sounds as though it is missing the word 'to'. Just my thought on it, though!


I like how you metaphorically 'withdrew the magnifying glass' to show us the reality of the situation.

Also, although this is flash fiction, it not only developes the protagonist, it also reveals the dynamic between her and her employer. Even her boss is developed his few, but select comments to her.

Excellent flash fiction, though!

Definitely worth winning!

Thank you for the read! Be well!
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Review of Hell Found Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First off, I wish to congratulate you for winning Scottie's Short Story contest! :)

You have quite the powerful story here, and in the beginning it is well-told, but as it continues on, the emotional content dwindles and it becomes almost too factual. Of course, they are emotional happenings, and it was necessary to pass the time rather quickly, but as is, by the end, it has lost much of its strength.

I have two ideas off the top of my head that might help it.

The first idea would be to describe what the couple are doing when they answer the door each time, perhaps reflecting their emotional state through that.

The second idea would be to cut down on the number of individual times that 'The State' knocks on the door, and if necessary, mention them in dialogue during the remaining knocks.

It would also be really neat if you somehow worked Abby's eyes into the end. By doing this, I feel that it would really tie the story together and increase the emotional impact. Also, the fact that the end is before a judge in a courtroom might deserve to be mentioned again. Otherwise, the story does not really seem to be about "The decision of one man can mean either heaven or hell".

These are just suggestions! I really do like the concept of how it ended, but I simply feel that it did not come out as potent as it deserves to be!

On a more technical note, I noticed a few spots that are a bit rough in reading, and here they are, so that you may discern if and how to smooth them!

"She had a wariness in her eyes that didn’t belong in the gaze of a child that young..."

--'That young' simply sounds a bit harsh. Mayhap 'so young'? It would also flow a bit more nicely.


"How old is her soul, I wondered, and what has she been subjected to during her short time here on this earth?"

--This is the sentence that tripped me up the most. It begins sounding like a first-person question, then simply falters upon itself.

Perhaps you might phrase it as: "How old is your soul?" I wondered. "What have you been subjected to in your short time here on earth?"

Or, another possibility:

I wonder how old her soul is and what she has been subjected to during her short time on earth.


Just ideas to help out!


“Hi, it’s the State. Can I come in?”

--After finishing your piece, I assume that you will wish to keep their title as 'The State,' but you may wish to change 'I' to 'we'. It would sound a bit better, I believe.


She called me ‘Nana’ and my husband “Papa’.

--Just a simple typo. A quotation mark is used before Papa instead of an apostrophe.


"Her mother got caught with drugs again and"

--'Got caught' sounds a bit slangish. Perhaps 'was caught'?


"up at the sight of It’s A Small World"

--Quotations belong around 'It's a Small World' and the 'A' should not be capitalized.


Again, you have a wonderful story! Please forgive all of the nit-picky details that I mentioned. Really, they were not the reason for the rather low rating. It is the sheer torture of knowing that your story's impact is being stolen by a somewhat weak conclusion (although, I do like the final line!)

Please, if you decide to make any changes, feel free to Email me! I will be more than happy to revise my rating!

Thank you greatly for the read and be well!
12
12
Review of Change  Open in new Window.
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
A very touching story you have written, especially for so few words. I commend on on that!

There are a few technical changes that I would recommend:

Muddy brown house with gray spots,...
--This is a fragment sentence. Perhaps begin the sentence with 'It was a', or you could combine it with the prior sentence with an endash or colon, simply adding 'a' before 'Muddy.'

...cow that got sick.
--Got sick is rather poor English. Also, although I like the image of a 'giant chocolate milk cow', perhaps you could omit 'giant' (as that is assumed if it is a house), and replace it with 'sick' there, instead. It could also be dirty. Just an idea.

...I said, mad now.
--'Mad' means crazy. 'Angry' might be the word you are looking for? 'Mad' as used in place of 'angry' is poor English.

...apple trees and then made...
--The word 'then' is unnecessary.

...grinned her best-friend grin.
--I would place quotation marks around 'best-friend grin.' Also, might call it 'best-friend(s)', but that is just my preference!

She squeezed me tight.
--It would be 'tightly', as the word being modified is 'squeezed'. 'Squeezed' being a verb, the adjective 'tight' must be the adverb 'tightly.' Forgive me if I seem like the grammar police. :P

She let go.
--I would write 'She let (me) go.' to make it a little more clear.


Also, just an idea... maybe change the last three sentences to the present-tense, or at least, the very last sentence? I believe that it would help bring your point across more effectively!

Overall, I really do like the message, I love the emotion, and I like the style of this piece.

The wording simply needs a bit of work.

The reason that I rated it a 3.0 is because the troubled wording really took away from the experience for me, and seeing as it really is a short piece, anything distracting really affects the experience.

Please, only take my comments as suggestions, though! I cannot claim to know what is best for your story!

If at any point you modify your story at all and would like me to re-rate it, leave me an Email. I would be happy to do so.

Thank you for the read!

Be well!
13
13
Review of My Pictures  Open in new Window.
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your pictures reveal what an active life you have lived. Three pictures in two countries, one of which is on top of a mountain!

Not bad at all!

Well, this is the last item in your portfolio! Guess I've run out of things to review!

It has been a joy and honor reading over your port.

You are a gifted, talented writer with exceptional life experiences to write from.

I wish you the best of luck with your relationship with Naomi, and hope that you continue to write and post on Writing.com!

Be well and blessed my friend!
14
14
Review of Haiku  Open in new Window.
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Although I cannot claim to understand much of the depth behind haiku, I must say that yours are quite neat.

Perhaps sometime I will indulge in research of the form and come to understand it better then.

Regardless, they are quite cool!

Be well!
15
15
Review of Writer's Block  Open in new Window.
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Haiku fascinate me, although I suspect it is because I do not fully understand them. Their are such simplistic creations, yet so artfully designed by their very nature.

For this reason, perhaps I am not the most apt at reviewing a haiku, but I will say this much: I find yours neat, because it feels like a true moment in time, that second of distraction at hearing the bug buzzing into the glass.

Neat, really. :)
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Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I must say, this is an absolutely wonderful (terrible?) article!

You are, of course, most definitely right. Email chain letters fly across the internet, spreading like wild-fire, yet someone obviously had to write them originally. I always assumed that they were sent by their author. Upon further thought, however, it is obvious that they usually are not.

Now, understand, I have always found such letters rather tasteless. Even the best of them will annoy people, filling their mailboxes up with predictions that their entire world will end and crumple lest they send it to sixty people in the next five minutes!

Frankly, I spend the extra effort to store all of my friends' Email addresses in a text document on the unlikely chance that I am infected with one of those nasty auto-mailing viruses. The last thing I am going to do is purposely spam their inboxes.

*reeling myself back from a tangent* Some of those stories are, in fact, touching, and I would be devastated to find my work being turned into something that spammed people's inboxes.

Your article is enlightening, well-written, and quite simply a wonderful asset to the community.

Although it has only made me feel better to hit the delete key to every one of these, it has also perhaps given me an answer to the subconscious reason that I have also done so.

Wonderful! Keep up the excellent writing!
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Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your article is short, concise, and best of all, quite amusing! I enjoyed reading it. The way that you present it is so perfectly absurd that I could not help but chuckle.

"Nobody Likes a Passive Sardine Sandwich"

Brilliant! :)


There were only two (possible) errors that I caught.

Firstly:
'care about[] so it makes'
--This appears to be missing a comma.

Secondly:
'center around the [W]hale[] I could have called'
--Whale is unnecessarily capitalized, and a comma is missing here as well.

Only suggestions!

Aside from that, wonderful work!

Be well!
18
18
Review by Arismeir Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I just wanted to comment that this is a valuable article and should definitely be made available for any wondering as to the legitimacy of Poetry.com.

My girlfriend Lorie Wonder Author IconMail Icon and I have both submitted works to the website. I submitted a poem of mine, which, of course, was accepted. I had it returned to me with the form to order their compilation. Looking at their prices, and noticing the blatant typo in my poem (apparently from transposition, seeing as the original was correct), I more or less decided it was a hoax on the spot.

My girlfriend later (unbeknownst to me) submitted a poem to them. I was there when she opened the letter, looked at the prices and said, "Great, another scam!" She was even quicker than I.

I feel bad for all who are pulled in by the company and offer them my deepest sympathies.

Anyhow, there is my rant. Be well.
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