This poem is beautiful despite its subject because you chose your words so well your readers aren't overwhelmed with gruesome images but instead saddened by the death of the boy. Your rhymes don't sound like nursery rhymes so they add a musical quality to the poem. However, you have a lot of unnecessary punctuation in this poem and this gives it a stop and start feeling that distracts from the poem so you might want to run this poem through a spell checker to locate and remove the unnessecary punctuation.
I've never seen a poem written from the point of view of a ghost. Nor have I seen a ghost portrayed as longing to experience life again. However, you did an excellent job at developing this unusual premise. In addition, I really like how you gradually give the reader hints the main character is not alive.
Now for the criticism. First, in the second line of the first stanza, you can eliminate all the "no"s except for the first and replace the last with an "or". Second, in the first line of the second stanza, I think you should put "encroaches" instead of "encloses" because it would look better. Finally, the comma in the third line of the second stanza should be a semicolon.
You did a really good job with this short story: the characters are believeable; the setting is emphasized and described just enough and the plot is plausible and comes to a conclusion. The only mistake I found was two punctuation marks--there should only be one--at the end of some of the sentences. In addition, although this is my personal opinion and not a rule, I think the last few lines of dialogue, since they're all spoken by one character, should be joined into one paragraph.
This short story has a good plotline, characterization and setting and you did a good job at fitting so much in so little space but I think you should put a bit more background information on why the various groups in the Coalition are at war with each other. In addition, you forgot the apostrophe in "it's" and the "s" in "just".
I was so glad to hear how you're helping peopele but not making them dependent on aid. Sometimes people become dependent and never learn to do anything for themselves. I only found one mistake and it involved capitalization. I think the dictionary lists "third world" capitalized.
I enjoyed reading this poem because I understand how you feel. In my head I often go over the mistakes I made repeatedly. The only mistake I found was the semicolon in the second line of the first stanza; it should be a comma instead. Keep writing even if it's on the same subject.
This is a really enjoyable essay. Not to be narcisstic but we have had similar experiences. I got frustrated with Christianity because of Biblical intolerance and found Paganism just made more sense than any other religion.
Now for the criticism. I don't think "confession" is capitalized and know "Bible" is.
The beginning of this chapter was a bit slow but it got better in the middle. The description is perfect; I can see and hear everything. However, you will want to reread this and look for capitalization and comma usage mistakes, especially in the dialogue.
I enjoyed this poem despite the darkness and intensity you warned about but then I like dark writing. The only thing I personally would want to change would be some of the lists. To me the "of" between the penultimate and final items looks akward and I'd put "and"s between them instead.
What an adorable short story! I love your combination of cats and magic. It was also interesting how you made only believers able to see the cat and horse for what they really were. However, you will want to check on the capitalization of "housecat" because some times it is capitalized while other times it is not; you should standardize it.
Wow; what a nice song. I understand the message you're trying to get across in these lyrics--learn from your mistakes. I can imagine as I read the lyrics being sung to a country accompaniment (sorry if that isn't a word or I misspelled.) I didn't find any mistakes.
Not to be rude but I disagree with this poetic tribute to your murdered friend being "woefully inadequate"; it is perfect in its description of the location the body was found and the body. However, I do have some suggestions for improvement. First, the semicolon at the end of the first line of the second stanza should be a colon. Second, I think "offended" would look better as "offending". Third, in the penultimate line of the third stanza the semicolon after "panic" should be a comma. Fourth, the semicolon at the end of the first line of the fourth stanza should be replaced by a period because when the two sentences in that and the follow verse are joined they are a double negative.
You did a good job of putting a lot of realistic background in a short story. Everything is really believable--from the characters to plot and setting. However, you will want to change the periods at the end of the dialogue with dialogue tags to commas.
I found the mention of the glass unicorn flying with Laura on it; I never really thought of unicorns being similar to angels. The idea certainly was original. However, you do have a few mistakes. First, there should be a comma after "NR". Second, you should look at the comma usage because you shouldn't join two sentences with commas; you should do it with a semicolon. Third, "morphine" and, when followed by a possesive pronoun, "mom" shouldn't be capitalized.
I love how you put some humor at the end of this section in the form of Darwin. I was giggling as he asked those questions. However, in the first paragraph the first comma should be a semicolon and there shouldn't be a comma between "troublemaker" and "Darwin".
This is a good beginning because you did everything an author needs to do when they start a story. First, you fit a lot of background into these chapters. Second, you did a good job at the characterization. Third, althought it was a bit slow in the beginning, the plot starts quickly. However, you do have some missing commas after non-essential clauses. You'll want to put them in so it will be easier for the reader to understand.
Although the subject of this poem is sad, you somehow managed to make the poem beautiful. The rhyme scheme was consisten throughout the poem but you'll definately want to look at the punctuation because I saw several places where there should be a period or semicolon but there were none. In addition, in the last verse you put three exclaimation points at the end of the sentence and there should only be one.
What a lovely piece of non-fiction about your grandchildren; when Ariana was picking up toys and Kaleb taking them away, I almost laughed out loud because it was so hysterical. The only mistake I found was the omission of spaces between the parentheses and the rest of the text.
You did a good job describing the acceptance of death and the results. I like how you ended the poem by repeating part of the first stanza because it gives the poem a cyclic feel.
Now for the criticism. The "'n'" in the penultimate line of the second stanza feels out of place with the elevated and formal tone of the rest of the poem. In addition, it seems stylistically irregular how you used punctuation in the last two stanzas but not in the first one.
Oh my goodness this is so hysterical but I do think you should raise the rating since "ASR" doesn't allow mention of alcohol and tabacco. In addition, you split one paragraph of the young man's dialogue into two when it should be one and forgot the quotation marks at the end of the first bit of dialogue.
Although I like this explaination of the origins and meanings of the tarot, I found some mistakes. First, you'll want to check your usage of apostrophes because I noticed some missing and others where there shouldn't be any. Second, the "church" in the phrase "the Church" should be capitalized. Third, you forgot the "r" in "Greek".
This poem is so sad yet it's beautiful. I love how you repeated the same verse at the end of every stanza because it adds rythm. The only mistake I found was in the penultimate stanza in the middle verse; the semicolon there should be a comma. In addition--and this is just my personal opinion--you might want to change the "Romance/love" genre to "Tribute".
You did a good job at describing the events you lived through. I really like how you closed the end with a variation on the saying, "things change; people don't", contrasted two distinct types of people then noted soldiers sacrifice for both. However, you do have some capitalization problems with "Korean conflict" and "evil regime".
Although this poem is sad because it's about regret and mortality and almost made me cry, it is still very beautiful. I don't know how you take such negative things and write beautiful poems about them. I wish I knew how to do that. Anyway, I didn't find any capitalization, gramatical, punctuation and/or spelling mistakes.
Dear C. J. Sayer,
What a good chapter--you did everything an author should do in the first chapter, especially catching thier attention. However, I did notice some mistakes and I will now list them off. First, in the dialogue, you have some problems with missing commas. Second, there should be a comma, not a period, between the dialogue and dialogue tags. Third, your capitalization of "witch" is irregular; sometimes you capitalize it, sometimes you don't.
Sincerly,
Beatrix Amber Robinson
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/australorp
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.34 seconds at 2:47am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
