I really like your use of detail in this. It is really good.
I did find a couple of minor mistakes.
This first one isn't really a mistake, but it is something I think would be better written a different way.
You wrote: "I saw and felt this, and at the same time I didn’t, the way a deeply preoccupied man might see and obey traffic signals without really noticing them."
My suggestion: "I saw and felt this, and at the same time I didn’t; the way a deeply preoccupied man might see and obey traffic signals without really noticing them."
Again, I might be wrong on this, and if I am, you can ignore me.
Overall this is an excellent, well-done story. I really liked it, and how vivid the images were that it brought to my mind.
This is a very decent poem. It has a good rhythm to it. I'm not too fond of the third verse. Something about the last line seems a bit off, although I can't quite tell what. It just doesn't flow as smoothly as the others.
Other then that, it was a really enjoyable poem that strongly captured the essence I believe you were trying to set forth.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bandgeeky
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:16pm on Nov 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.