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1
Review of I Lost My Way  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi, T.Boilerman,

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Bear in mind, these comments are only MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine work, "I Lost My Way" Open in new Window., I offer you the following comments.

This is outstanding! What a clear and concise statement of solid faith during a time when the writer not worthy of it. I like your casual rhyme scheme. It is not stiff or insistent. It works well with a poem whose big point is the message, not the medium.

The writer feels the weight of his error and the danger he was in, as seen in these lines:
• “Though maybe today
• Though my obedience be rare
• Though the path is not clear
• Though far I did roam.”

Your final lines state the writer’s conviction that his own efforts did not rescue him. It was only by the grace of the one
“Whose love focused on me
And paid my terrible debt.”

*Star* Thank you for sharing this thougtful piece! And thanks for a very enjoyable read.


Bob
2
2
Review of That Place  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi, Sisco,

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Bear in mind, these comments are only MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine work, "That Place" Open in new Window., I offer you the following comments.

I opened this poem because of the mystique of the title. I LIKE it! I was first pleased by the color and shape of it. Then I was pleased by your spot-on rhyme scheme. (I’m a rhyme and rhythm guy!) I also like the sing-song rhythm of the piece. It makes for easy reading and a pleasant feeling. And I like the fact that you punctuated your poem. I think that adds a lot. You built my curiosity as the poem progressed. And I was not able to guess the ending. I like that too.

Here is one tiny suggestion for you: In order to stick with proper grammar, one should not end a sentence with a comma. A period would work, but I think a semi-colon would work better after the following words:
food
wine
before
from.

*Star* Thank you for sharing this delightful piece! And thanks for a very enjoyable read.


Bob
3
3
Review of Skiing  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi, Lynda,

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Bear in mind, these comments are only MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine work, "Skiing" Open in new Window., I offer you the following comments.

I LOVE this! It is a playful romp down the snow-clad mountain. It is rich with word pictures that simply take me there. It is an action packed story rushing by before my eyes. There are a couple of charming questions not answered. The children are presented in vivid description; are some of them the children of the writer? The key character is introduced in the first person: “really cold but I am bold.” After that she is mentioned in the second person: “here she goes;” “see the lady slipping, sliding;” and so forth. Is the writer the skier? Methinks she is.

I like that you use similar phrases in the opening and the closing stanzas. This ties the poem together nicely. I like your breezy, almost sing-song rhythm. It is nicely suited to a light-hearted story. And I love your casual rhyme scheme. These two features make the poem easy to read and interesting.

Here are a couple tiny corrections for you.

“Shinning” has an extra “n.” It should be “shining.”

And you wrote, “she's is complete!” I think you meant, “She is complete.” See?

*Star* Thank you for sharing this delightful piece! And thanks for a very enjoyable read.


Bob
4
4
Review of You  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi, Sisco

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Bear in mind, these comments are only MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine work, "You" Open in new Window., I offer you the following comments.

I LOVE this! You totally “had” me. The poem opens with intensity and goes forward the same. There is nothing in my mind but a gripping love story. My first hesitation was the line, “I think you’re so neat.” That didn’t seem quite as passionate as my early impression of the piece. (That should have been my first clue!)

I read, “Your complexion is light brown,” and then “I am your master.” OK. This is about a slave owner in love with one of his slaves. Now you really have my attention. Then I read the line “My friends must think I am some kind of nutter.” SURELY this should have been a clue that I’m being duped! But no; you had me right up to the last word! Then I laughed out loud. I so love this!

I’m a big fan of rhyme and rhythm; I really like your tight rhyme scheme. To me, this makes your poem a delight to read.

Here’s a tiny correction for you. In three lines, you used the comma after a complete clause:

“I awake in the morning(,) you are in my head,”
“My views are old fashioned(,) I call you my honey,”
and
“I think of you(,) my stomach is aflutter.”

These require a semi-colon or a period. See?


*Star* Thank you for sharing this delightful piece.! My hat’s off to you! And thanks for a very enjoyable read.

Bob
5
5
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Aundria,

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Bear in mind, these comments are only MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine work, "The Life of Silver" Open in new Window., I offer you the following comments.

Wow! This nearly takes my breath away! I love it on so many levels. First is the sheer beauty of the piece, so rich in word pictures and images that sparkle. I don’t think this poem fell out of your pen in one setting. I think you spent some time and love on this one.

Some of my favorite lines are these:
“…the calming luster of the morning after the storm,”
“…a trick of the light through the filter of the sorrowful sky,”
and
“I wrap my silver strands around them
and frost their colors.”

I love the way you consistently use the metaphor of silver to give us a look into your soul. And I think the central message of your poem is seen in these lines:

“But as they gain their sheen, I slowly melt away,
and watch them shine on their own.”

What a marvelous mission!

John the Baptist was the forerunner of Christ. He was quoted as saying, “He must increase, but I must decrease.”

And I especially love your final stanza. The marching repetitions are clearly a victor’s shout, taking joy in your deep purpose—to give yourself to benefit others.

I do not have even one single suggestion for improvement.

*Star* Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece. It moved me deeply. And thanks for such an enjoyable read.

Bob
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Review of The Storms  Open in new Window.
for entry "Calming the Storm" Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello MM,

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Bear in mind, these comments are only MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine work, "The Storms" Open in new Window., I offer you the following comments.

Wow! I see a lot of writing on WDC, but I don’t see a lot of scriptural commentary as good as yours here. You are clearly a deep believer. (I’m secretly hoping you’re not a professional minister; in that case, I’d expect you to do such a great job.) I won’t repeat your spot-on applications back to you—you already know them! But here are two of my favorites:

“By waking Jesus when they did, the disciples would have been responsible for saving the lives of all these other boaters.” That’s interesting, MM, and I hadn’t thought of that before.

“The disciples were filled with great fear. Why? The storm’s over!” By not answering your own question (that their current great fear was of the very awesome power of Jesus), you give silent emphasis to the answer. Sometimes you can say more by NOT saying it. This is good writing.

Your writing style is excellent. It is clear and concise; it keeps my lively attention. And your grammar and punctuation are superior. It is such a joy to read behind a skilled writer like you.

Here are a couple tiny suggestions:

You wrote, “…a storm of such ferocity that professional fishermen and sailors are frightened. One that progresses to such a state…” Your second sentence seems awkward to me. I’d use the em-dash—like this—between the two. (I know and love the above form, called the em-dash; I think your form is called the en-dash.) They are equally effective, and they add a lot to ones writing. One caution is this: don’t use them TOO frequently. They are a pleasing little extra, but over use diminishes their effectiveness. Your piece does not overuse them, but I think you’re getting close. (That’s just my opinion, you understand.) The same can be said for parentheses.

You wrote, “…how bad things could have got…” Do you thing “could have gotten” would work better there?

*Star* Thank you for sharing this very inspiring piece. You have done a great job. And thanks for such an enjoyable read.

Bob
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Review of Forgotton  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Andi,

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Bear in mind, these comments are only MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine work, "Forgotton" Open in new Window., I offer you the following comments.

This poem deals with a difficult reality: it is possible to lose yourself while trying to be too much to others. You write as if you know this from a real relationship—as if you speak from personal experience. Whether or not this is true, it makes your poem very believable. That is a good thing. Very concisely, without a lot of detail, you paint a picture of your subject and his struggles. His story touches my heart; that’s good writing.

I especially like your “bottom line.” It’s about balance. These lines are very insightful:
“Yes give to others,
They live as your brothers.
But…:

*Star* Thank you for sharing this very interesting piece. And thanks for such an enjoyable read.

Bob
8
8
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Lost Ghost,

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Bear in mind, these comments are only MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine work, "Quilting the Poems" Open in new Window., I offer you the following comments.

This poem moves me deeply. I love it. I love the strength of conviction with which you write. You make me think you are one who has been there—done that. I like your casual rhyme scheme. (I’m a rhyme man!) Your metaphor of autumn leaves works well for your message. I also like the fact that you use word pictures; these give richness to your piece. I like your contrast between “the monster eating you” and “the winds of joy.”

My favorite line is:
“and lastly lose their status into dust.”
This has a nice feel coming off the tongue.

Most of all, I like the positive assurance of your message.

Here are a couple tiny suggestions:
I would say “It’s true” instead of “It’s truth.” It has a better feel that way. But that’s just me!
It should be “As leaves alter” instead of “As leaves alters.”

*Star* Thank you for sharing this lovely piece. You’ve done a great job! My hat’s off to you.

And thanks for such an enjoyable read.

Bob
9
9
Review of Why me?  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Lynda,

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Bear in mind, these comments are only MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Why me?" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

This is painful! This stirs my emotions. It is a gift for a writer to be able to do that. Your piece is direct, simple, and forthright. I feel like I’m listening to you speak. I like that. And you give a very good picture of the person being bullied. He is afraid, both for himself and for his friend Jill. He doesn’t want to call in the help of adults; that would only make him look weak. So he is hiding, and he is asking the “why” questions. (The “why” questions are never very productive, are they?) You present an undertone of hopelessness. There is no solution offered. And yet you make me believe that Bert has some inner strength; he isn’t ready to run for help.


*Star* Thank you for sharing this emotional piece. You’ve done a great job!

And thanks for a thoughtful read.

Bob
10
10
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Scifi Wizard,

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Bear in mind, these comments are only MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "CSFS (fantasy is very alive today)" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

What a delightful poem! First of all, I love your idea. Who hasn’t heard the song, “Let It Go?” And I like your subtle plays on the lyrics of that song—like these:
“Reveal, don't conceal” VS their “Conceal, don't feel.”
and
“Let it flow.” VS their “Let it go.”
These are both so appropriate to a writers’ group!

Your repetitions are also very effective:
“Tales for all abound,”
and
“Fantasy is very alive today.”

But most of all, I love the spirit of celebration in your poem. It is simply a delight to read.

Here’s one tiny suggestion:
You wrote, “It don’t matter from where you roam.” I’d prefer, “It doesn’t matter…” Or is you only want two syllables there, I’d say, “Doesn’t matter…” But that’s just me!

*Star* Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece! You’ve done a great job! My hat’s off to you.

And thanks for a delightful read.

Bob
11
11
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Lynda,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "The Cat in the Black Hat" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

What a delightful poem! I love it! It seems to be light-hearted and playful. And it has a surprise ending; I like that. It almost has an Ogden Nash type of humor. On the other hand, it could be taken as rather dark and ominous. I like for the reader to have the choice.

You also have the feel of Little Riding Hood. The cat asks an innocent question, and the man entices him or her with wily conversation until he is ready to pounce. And you have a very nice, loose rhyme scheme. It’s a good feeling for your final word “there” to rhyme with two words from five lines back. I have absolutely no suggestions for improvement. You should write some more poems!


*Star* Thank you for sharing this delightful piece! You’ve done a great job!

And thanks for an enjoyable read.

Bob
12
12
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Summer Wind,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "The Circus Church of Today " Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

This is a hard-hitting poem, well written and direct. I like your dependable rhyme scheme. It makes the poem easy to read and to follow. Conservative Christians will love this message; they are often offended by the mega-churches of today. (The name Joel comes to mind.) You wrote, “He tickles your ears with what you want to hear” There is a biblical warning against false prophets who tickle your ears and tell you what you want to hear. I suspect you are familiar with it.

I appreciate that you punctuated this piece. To me, it is always helpful for a poet to do that. Here are a couple tiny suggestions for you:

Your firs line needs a period, or maybe a semi-colon.
No comma is needed after screeching guitars.


*Star* Thank you for sharing this thoughtful piece! You’ve done a great job!

And thanks for an interesting read.

Bob
13
13
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello C.J.,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Great Act of Mercy + The Royal Treasures" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

This is very moving. You have the gift of stirring emotions with your words. This is no small gift. Your poem is easy to read. There is a dependable rhythm and rhyme scheme. (I’m a rhythm and rhyme man!) It is a real compliment to a writer if his readers find the piece to be easy reading. I know from experience that it is NOT easy to put it together that way. And I like your accurate reflection of the scriptural story.

I only have one tiny suggestion. There are five places where you used a comma between two complete sentences. I’d use the semi colon; It will indicate that the sentences are closely related, and it will give you grammatical accuracy.
• My sins are my dress, (;)
• I lie at his feet, (;)
• The stones are at ready, (;)
• All the men leave, (;)
• My life was restored, (;)

*Star* Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece! You’ve done a great job! My hat’s off to you.

And thanks for a delightful read.

Bob
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Review of Thank You  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Shana,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Thank You" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

Wow. This is deeply moving, Shana. Your style is concise and easy to follow. I like the sequence of a statement followed by a response to the statement. It gives a pleasant rhythm to the piece. Most of all, I like what you are saying. You take life as it comes, and you deal with it. You don’t whine and make excuses. Someone else might have written it this way:

You didn't give me rules... that’s why I’m rebellious now.
You never punished me... that’s why I always do whatever I want. and so forth

But not you—your life experiences have made you what you are today; and I’m thinking you’re a very special person.

Here are a couple tiny suggestions:

You need a space after the comma before more independent; that’s a little typo.
and
In your last sentence you wrote, “but I realized.” I would strike the letter d and use the word realize in present tense. But that’s just me!



*Star* Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece! You’ve done a great job! My hat’s off to you.

And thanks for a delightful read.

Bob
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Review of The Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Shana,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "The Memories" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

Wow! This is a good poem! It seizes me with its intensity. You keep repeating your basic thought, and the effect is excellent. Here is my favorite line:
“They have found a way to tear at my heart.”
One of the most impressive things, to me, is your concise writing style—and your sparkling English grammar!

(If we were in counseling, I’d tell you that you cannot escape past memories, but you can assign new meanings to them. No extra charge for that!)

I have two tiny suggestions.

You wrote:
“I am not afraid of them,
I am terrified of them.”
Your comma should be a semicolon or a period. That line is a complete sentence (or clause). See?

You wrote:
“They have found a way to tear at my heart.
A way to enter my mind.”

After “heart,” I’d use a colon so that the next line won’t be a fragment.

Even better, I’d do it this way:
“They have found a way to tear at my heart—
a way to enter my mind.”

Isn’t that visually beautiful? (But that’s just me!) *Smile*

You probably already know this, but to make that particular dash, hold your Alt button while typing 0151.


*Star* Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece! You’ve done a great job! My hat’s off to you.

And thanks for a delightful read.

Bob
16
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Review of Our Lady's Tears  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi, Yellow Rose,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. I think you and may have crossed paths before. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Our Lady's Tears" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

What a wonderful poem this is! I love that you express your faith with clarity and without apology. It is significant that you put the words “The Bible Changed My Life” above the title of your poem.

I like the simplicity of this poem. Each of the two-line stanzas presents a clear and pure message. I like the confidence of your final stanza; it sums up your poem nicely and gives us a bold statement of your beliefs.

Here are a couple of suggestions for you:

You wrote “Picture a simple women kneeling at pray.” You have a typographical error here; it should be “woman,” the singular form of the noun. And I would prefer “kneeling TO pray.”

and

I prefer punctuation in poetry. This is not a correction in any way. Each poet makes that choice for his/her own poems. To me, this would be a clearer and more beautiful expression of your first stanza:

“Every May, from the tears, these flowers grow.
Many remember why, but many do not know.”

But that’s just me!

*Star* Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece!

And thanks for a delightful read.

Bob
17
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Review of Seasons of Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Aralls,

I wish I had thought of this beautiful little idea! You have written a totally heart-warming love poem here. In your opening stanza, you use the word, sensual. That is so appropriate; the whole poem is sensual. I love everything about it!

Bob
18
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Review of My Guardian Angel  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Cisco

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "My Guardian Angel" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

I like that you told us this is fiction. This is always helpful to know in reading a piece. This is a very strong poem and deeply emotional. In the third stanza, you seized my heartstrings with words like these:

I miss her, so much;
the pain is so real.
How could he do this?
I hated God,

I also love your line, “I feel her presence wherever I dwell.” This makes it extremely personal to me, like I’ve been there—done that.

Cisco, I’m so glad you punctuated this poem. Some poets do; some don’t. I happen to believe punctuation adds a LOT to poetry. Like me, you are a bit of a commaholic! I always figured when in doubt, drop in a comma. If I may, let me make some quick suggestions.

of nature’s gift (Use a comma.)
as a soul to guard? (Use a period.)
I miss her, (no comma)
I hated God, (no comma)
Thoughtful (Add a comma after thoughtful; it’s a new rule.) and kind.
the Angel must be, (no comma)
been with me, (no comma) since I was two!
I fell into this very lake, (Use a period instead of the comma.)
As I think back, (no comma)
My mind clears, (Use a period or semi-colon.)

*Star* Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece! You’ve done a great job! My hat’s off to you.

And thanks for a delightful read.

Bob
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Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Kristina,

This is a wonderful poem! I love the richness of the Cherokee lore and how well you told the story. I like the concise lines; the piece is easy to read and enjoy. I like your skillful contrast of the two wolves. You made an excellent choice of descriptive words. Thank you for an enjoyable read!

I am Bob, known here as Candlemaker. I am delighted that you and I will be in Comma Sense together. I’ll see you in class!

Bob
20
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Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Jellyfish,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "I Dream of the Sun" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

This is a very strong poem, filled with emotion, nostalgia and poignancy. I have a dear friend who lives near Boise, Idaho. The winter is long and intense. She is joyful on a hot and sunny day. She is miserable on a cold, grey day. She may be your ancient relative!

I love your vivid imagery. It marks you as a poet unto my own heart. Some of my favorites are:
• the hot rays of the sun,
• blocked roads and dead flowers,
• slowly bronzing skin.

Your stanzas are well designed to build the somber feelings almost to hopelessness. In each stanza, there is one line that seizes me and carries me forward: “I ache to remember…In this never ending winter…I despair of the hours…My emotions jaded…I can barely look!” Then comes the final stanza! You look forward to the dream of a better day, “For slowly bronzing skin On a beach in the sunlight.” This poem really moves me, Jellyfish—and that’s what poetry is supposed to do, right?

Here’s a tiny suggestion:

The first stanza leaves me hesitant; I’m not sure of your intended meaning. The second line would make it clear if written like this:
“And to have the hot rays of the sun”
Or
“The hot rays of the sun as they…”

But that’s just me! You have a fine piece, just as it was written.

*Star* Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece! You’ve done a great job! My hat’s off to you.

And thanks for a delightful read.

Bob
21
21
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Sapheyerblu,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "The Legend of the Bite" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.


WOW! This poem is terrific! You are clearly a gifted writer. I am glad you are currently trying to make your way back into the writing field after a year+ long hiatus. And I’m so glad you’re in the Writing.Com family. You will be quite an asset here.

I’m wondering if this piece is written to a specific form. If so, it is quite an attractive form. I’m not acquainted with it. I love your rhyme scheme. It is spot-on perfect. It would be no small task for me to come up with that many words of the same rhyme. And you did it without even one awkward formation. This sets you apart in my book. I love your beautiful rhythm. Generally, you have used eight lines of iambic beat. But you didn’t lock yourself into that. The result is a delightful and beautiful flow.

I like your repetition of the first and third lines in the last line of subsequent stanzas. Trying to achieve this could have resulted in stiff or illogical plot development—but not here! And I like the summation in the last two lines. I was immediately captured in this story. Each line carried me forward to the next one. I like that; not every poet can do that.


*Star* Thank you for sharing this strong piece. You’ve done a great job. My hat’s off to you.

And thank you for a very enjoyable read.

Bob
22
22
Review of The Black Widow  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Marci,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. Are you the same Marci I threw jelly beans at in a recent class? This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "The Black Widow" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

This is a totally delightful poem, be it ever so grim. I love the vivid imagery. Here are my favorites:
• My bite like a blade
• The hourglass shape on my back
• Through this creepy black night.

I love your spot-on rhyme scheme. I’m a rhyme and rhythm guy!

I love that you went to the trouble to punctuate the poem. Not every poet does that. It adds a lot.

And I love the dramatic progression from start to finish. This poem seizes the reader and holds him. And, by the way, it offers a very important message. I love your picture of the Black Widow. I’ve seen a few of those.

I offer you a couple tiny suggestions.

You wrote:
“My bite like a blade will cut through your skin.”

The phrase, “like a blade” is non-essential (grammatically) and should be set off with commas. I would write it like this:
“My bite, like a blade, will cut through your skin.” What do you think?

Also, your poem offers you the chance to learn a simple but important rule of grammar. You are a fine writer, and you will enjoy knowing this. A comma goes between two independent clauses that are separated by a coordinating conjunction—like “and.” This scenario appears in lines one, two, nine, and fourteen.

For example, you wrote:
“A spider am I and I cause much pain.” The comma would go after “I.” See?

Marci, I’m not trying to smart off at you; I’m not the great comma expert! Your poem is very impressive just the way you wrote it. My suggestions might simply sharpen it up a bit.


*Star* Thank you for sharing this strong piece! You’ve done a great job! My hat’s off to you.

Bob
23
23
Review of The Sapling  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Blue,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "The Sapling" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

This is a totally delightful poem! There is so much I love about it. I love the imagery: “in the shadows of giants” and “my small sapling body outstretched” are my favorites. I love the light and easy style. Each line carried me forward to the next one throughout the piece. Not every poet can do this. I love your basic metaphor; you begin by calling yourself a little person, but the little person is seen as the sapling throughout. And I so love your last line. I would expect it to be, “A little tree like me.” Your phrase, “A big tree like me” caused me to pause and re-read. I like that. Oh yes, and I also love your word “cacophony.” What do we call that—onomatopoeia?

Here is one tiny suggestion: you wrote,

“In the forest of trees, my small sapling body

Outstretched, strains to touch…”

This gave me an uncomfortable pause. The phrase “my small sapling body outstretched” seems like a descriptive phrase rather than the subject. It would seem much clearer to me to say, “I strain to touch.” But that’s just me!

And here’s a personal preference. While it is simple and easy to begin each line with a capital letter, I think it is clearer and more attractive to begin lines with lower case words unless the line begins a new sentence. Again, that’s just me!


*Star* Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece! You’ve done a great job! My hat’s off to you.

And thanks for a delightful read.

Bob
24
24
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello Kate,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "The Writer Writes ~Writing.Com Anthology" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

Kate, you’ve already received quite a few reviews here. I’m not sure I can add a lot, but I absolutely cannot resist giving you my personal rave! I drank this poem like a man dying of thirst. What can I say? You strummed a vibrant heart string for me. You wrote, “Compelled to join the ribaldry,
With outstretched wings.” Yep, that would be me. You wrote, “With poet’s eye the song consigned
To images in prose defined;
A spark ignites.” Yep, that would be me! In just a few concise lines, you celebrate the very essence of a poet.

And you did so with such marvelous lines. I’m a sucker for rhyme and meter. How well you nailed both. And beyond that, you gave us delicious words like heraldry, cacophony, ribaldry, rhapsody, and more.

*Star* Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece! You’ve done a great job! My hat’s off to you.

And thanks for a delightful read.

Bob
25
25
Review of Dulcet Drops  Open in new Window.
Review by Candlemaker Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello Ken,

My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Dulcet Drops" Open in new Window. I offer you the following comments.

There are a couple of specific things I really like about this beautiful poem and the way you present it. I like the brief explanations and definitions at the bottom of the piece. I like the words dulcet and liquescent. (Yep, I needed the definitions of both.) I like the intense richness and imagery of the piece. There is a heat that I feel in the reading. It is a sensual delight. I like your casual rhyme scheme. To me, that adds a lot. And I like the fact that you punctuated the piece; that’s not always easy, but it says a lot about a poet.

I’d use a colon after memories and a comma after debut. That would also indicate the lower case for windows and the. That makes the stanza a bit cleaner and more readable.
I’d simply use a comma after warmth. The flow is better. One should use the semicolon sparingly. I like to choose a period or a comma and save the semicolon.
In the last line, I’d close that space after your beautiful ellipsis dots. The rule is to leave the space before AND after the dots or not at all. I prefer not at all.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Great job! My hat’s off to you.

And thanks for a delightful read.

Bob
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