Hello,
Thank you for requesting a review. I am no expert and I know you are not expecting expert advice  . I will do my best though to tell you what I think of your story and suggest corrections if errors are noticed.
The following review is only my opinion and is given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. It is my hope you find it helpful in some way.
Theme - The one strong thread that seems to run consistently throughout your story is love, thoughtfulness, and kindness irregardless of the fact that John's moral character has slipped a little. I felt you actually have two main characters, John and Lucy. It just happens that John is the narrator. He adds an air of lightness, comedy, irony, and sarcasm to the tale that lifts the unfolding tragedy.
Conflict - The conflict lies within Jonathan, himself, his devil-may-care outwardness versus his sensitive, caring nature.
Pace - The flow of your story seemed perfect to me. I never got bogged down, disinterested, or jolted out. In fact, I loved it.
Showing vs telling - You did a great job of showing the reader your character through dialogue, gestures, and silent thoughts of the mc.
Scene and Time Period - Obviously, the setting is in California, apparently where you live and the time period must be close to current by the mention of Justin Bieber and probably other things I missed.
The five senses - You appealed to my senses, personally, in many ways, the smell of the sea, the taste of cotton candy, the feel of sand, hospital noises, the playfulness of nieces, that hurt of a toy beneath you. I could go on and on, wonderful.
Characters - I thought you fleshed out your characters very well. John had that military haircut and the knack of always wanting to smooth it forward with his left hand. You even made Bieber real with his Angie-like sleeping habits. Every sentence had its purpose and that kept me in the story from start to finish.
Dialogue (& tags) - All of your dialogue seemed natural. I was never confused about who was speaking. Each person's words seemed unique to the character you were building.
Adverbs - I did notice quite a few "ly" adverbs. You may want to eliminate some of them with stronger verbs. And I noticed several qualifying words (like probably, etc.) which weaken sentences.
Suggestion for improvement - Following are some grammar problems I noticed.
You said: A bunch of birds were chirping. I would omit 'a bunch of' so the subject agrees with the verb.
Paper boy is one word, paperboy.
Phillipe has one l and 2 p's, Philippe.
You said: I was going to suggest they may want to revise... 'May' should be might for verb/subject agreement.
You said: "No, my, ah, my...I brought" Ellipses need a space before and after the three dots. Look for other ellipses.
You said: "who probably would have spoken if he wasn't so buzzed." Weren't instead of wasn't gives better verb usage.
Doll house is one word, dollhouse.
You said: At the nurses station, I was met with some resistance Nurses should be possessive, nurse's or nurses'.
You said: Its only my favorite thing in the world. Its should be It's for it is.
You said: And the one hour break flew into two. One hour should be hyphenated as one-hour.
You said: My usual care-free sarcasm Care-free is one word, carefree.
Overall, - As I said before, I loved your story, and I feel you are nearly ready for submission if that is your aim. The only question that remained with me when I finished reading was what did Angie mean when she asked John if he was going to do the right thing? This kept resurfacing as I read on. If you indeed add on to the story, this reader would appreciate an explanation. I like your writing style, almost like a detective story. At first, the sarcasm seemed overdone, but as the character grew, it just seemed character-like ... a good thing. Thanks for bringing my attention to your story and best of luck to you with future writing.
By all means, keep writing and sharing.
|
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Your title *Your title sucked me in (no pun intended).
The flow of your poem *I always read poetry aloud so I can hear the flow. All went well except for one line On my poor sweet blood filled arms?! It seemed like it was the starting letters of "poor sweet blood filled". They were a mouthful 
Your poem's tone *Your tone was just right for the evil mosquito. I could tell you were aggravated yet cared for all living creatures. You gave her fair warning.
Your choice of words *Words were great except for the ones I mentioned above. They made me stumble. All the others conveyed your message perfectly.
Your imagery *I had no trouble at all picturing the situation.
.
.
Your character's strong love for her son and husband is shown by her actions and words
Your dialogue moves the story along and shows the reader what is happening emotionally to your character.
The word "flounders" in this sentence, Randy grumbles as he flounders through the yellow pages, searching for a lawyer. jarred me a little. Perhaps,