First, I really liked the first part of your story. I thought you really captured the backpacking experience for the inexperienced. Having been on both ends of that equation, I thought the interplay between Damien, Mark and Jason was very well done.
I had a bit more trouble with the climactic events. Owls? Generally pretty benign creatures and far too small to seriously damage humans. Tired though Damien was, how could all that carnage be inflicted without some shriek waking him?
If I suspend my owl issue, I liked the part about his fleeing for the car. The stumbling and falling down the mountain side was nicely written. Damien should have whacked the owl on it's wing with the random bone, not the arm.
When Damien escapes, he just sort of goes to the ER for a quick patch up and then home. Why does he not contact the authorities (sheriff, police, forest service National Audubon Society)?
All-in-all, a nice story with a lot of potential! It just, in my opinion, needs to be a bit closer to real, or entirely off in the realm fantasy.
Nice outline and an interesting plot. As someone who has reached geezerhood myself, but insists on trying to act like it hasn't happened, I hope you take advantage of the vast amount of material that geezer-as-super-hero lends itself to.
As with any sci fi related material, keep in mind that the key to a good story is plausibility, even if it's done in a silly sort of way. Your chapter 8 proposes that there is a cloud of gas, and an explosion that somehow eliminates the virus. Why is there a cloud of gas? Why would Professor Chaos choose that method for dispersing the virus? Why would an explosion eliminate the virus? You can be as facetious as you like, but internal consistency is what makes these stories work!
Good luck with this. I look forward to seeing the chapters as they are finished!
I enjoyed this bit of dialog. You capture quite nicely that mild tension that arises when a partner has withheld something from another partner, probably in hopes of avoiding precisely the scene that develops here.
You do a great job with the gradual escalation of intensity and the way you resolve it allows your reader to intuitively figure out the dynamics of the relationship between the parties.
The only criticism I would make is that your punctuation doesn't always match the sentence. Minor point.
First, I enjoyed your story. I thought the structure and rhythm of the writing was very nicely done.
I thought that the actual analogy in this piece seemed to be more human:calendar than calendar:mayfly. The mayfly was almost a superfluity in this piece.
I prefer my analogies and allusion to nature to be fairly true to life (personal preference, as a result of many years as a field biologist). The idea that a mayfly lives for a day is not particular accurate, since they have a long and happy life prior to emergence, as aquatic nymphs, contentedly grazing algae and detritus. They also seldom emerge into the sunlight, but rather tend to emerge from dusk to full dark, increasing the odds of surviving to breed. In the sunlight, they tend to hide in unobtrusive locations and hope to avoid birds, fish and other predators.
To analogize with a calendar, I might have chosen a bit of non-living ephemera, like a tea bag.
In any case, I enjoyed reading your work. Technically, it was great. My idiosyncratic quirks probably only affect me.
Brazos54
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