A truly wonderful poem that get right to the point of how hate can place our feel on the road to Hell. Other things can do the same; lying, greed, lust but Hate and Greed are the worst because they consume the person, not just their heart byt their life as well. We have all seen it happen, or been on the receiving end of these terrible emotions, but you have it right here, they bring the Road to Hell to our hearts and feet.
I like that fact that you tell people to never give up until they reach their goal. That of course is sometimes easier said than done. It was the same way when I was getting my Bach. in Psy. I had a 'can do' attiude that just kept pushing me along. I had started in Journalism, but the department heat thought women were only good for the Society page articles. I would spend weeks writting the perfect story to only receive "C's" . Then I wrote a sugary sweet wedding article that almost made me gag, I wrote it in 10 minutes and got an A+. Time to change majors. I would never have made any head way because he was the final say in the whole department.
So I changed my focus and am writing better than ever, hahahaha, teacher. I graduated with the Psy degree and it has proven more useful than the Journalism one would have been.
So never say die. Always remember that Stephen King was rejected many, many times and if his wife had not saved "Carrie" from the trash how many more years would he have had to struggle??
Loved your poem. Wish it was really that easy to move on. I loved the way you thanked him for melting the lock so you could love again. Nice flow and no errors that I could find. You touched me with your poem which is just what poetry is suppose to do.
My Bob died of esphogeal cancer in just three weeks, he never knew he had it. I still have not fully moved on, but after ywo years I am trying. Thank you for your poem, it touched me deeply.
"The effect that have had, or potential to have in the future, on mankind. "
Should read: The effect that THEY (or HE) have had,... Just a word left out that ruined the smooth story you were telling.
I loved your story. I also like the idea of letting us plead for our loved ones, with some restrictions of course. Since it took my wonderful Bob 15 days to pass on, esphogeal cancer, I could not plead fast enough for his return, But if I could I would, in an instant. I would stand before Death and plead with my heart. Hope for the best and try to show just how big of a hole he left in those that loved him.
"She could find nothing amiss and could not understand what had awoken her. She got up from the bed and continued her search of the room. She could find nothing amiss."
You have used the same sentence and word twice. The last should be different, "She could find nothing out of place" maybe?
" Faster and faster she turned, her began reeling, but she could release the grip." Not sure what you are trying to say. her being, not began maybe?
"The water that met the shore brought to mind windex, it was the most unusual blue. " Find a better description than window cleaner.
" She heard laughter coming from up the beach, but when she turned to look saw nothing." turned to look "she" saw nothing.
If you flesh the story out a little bit it will be amazing;y good. Keep up the good work.
"Would you have been so full of pride,
if you knew before she died,
that all the time you didn't give,
Wasn't spared but only hid,
for the day you'd come to kneel,
beside her grave to bid farewell?"
This would be better as a long stanza.
Your poem touched me because I also lost the one I love. (He may be gone, cancer, but the love remains.) So I just move through the days and the love stays.
As you said, some love is good and some is bad, I guess that is so we know the good when it finally arrived. Or so I believe. Keep up the good work.
"“Is he kidding?” I thought, “Confused is more like the fist day of kindergarten."
First not fist.
A really cute story. Not sure if she should end up with the "Blank" bottle or not. But obviously he has no idea of what would really please her or not, which, of course, is just what life is, a blank. You have to fill it or actually react to have a mood anyway so maybe "Blank" is just where you have to start.
"but after they arriver (or was dragged) they were thrown into the dungeon after demonstrating their ability." but after they 'Arrived'.
"(or was dragged)" Replace 'was' with 'were dragged".
"She cried and wished that she what she was imprisoned for." and wished that she 'Knew' what....
"No one had told her as she was thrown in the dungeon after following a simple direction posted on the castle door to enter when she arrived." Reads very rough. Convoluted, try re-writting so it reads smoother.
"It would only take more out of her than anything else." good start to the sentence, then it falls flat. Find a verb and work around it and drop 'anything else."
A good story and a wonderful idea that you could 'write' yourelf out of suffering. That is what I am trying do do myself. Keep uo the excellent work.
Have you ever thought of adding just before the end, that he sees her walking toward him and they fall in love all over again?? Just an idea, it would make it a longer story with a happirt ending, even if she couldn't stay, but had started a family of her own.
The biggest hardship that people bring upon themselves is never trying to find the one they let slip away. Sometimes you just have to see them again to put an end to the memories that haunt you. Sometimes it works and sometimes it dosen't. But this 'die-hard' romantic things you should try.
A really good poem. It should be longer if you want to first express that death is always present and switch to how if you stay afraid of death you aren't really living. There needs to be a clear break between the two ideas. Just lengthen the poem and show the break in the focus and it should be great!
A nice little informative piece. People never seem to realize how important trust really is. Nor do we always see love when it is standing right in front of our face. Both are sad realizations because we race around trying to find love when we could already have it, we just can't see it. I love the way you show just what trust can do for a relationship. Keep up the good work.
"contemplate the choice I've made all damn day." It should be choices, because in one day you definately make more than one.
This is really sad, but that is just how love can be. Sometimes we don't even want to get back on that horse once we have been bucked off, but I guess we should since being alone is terribly hard. Keep up the great work.
"That’s when I remembered the rose colored glass bottle. “You know I have just the thing for you and its cheep too.” It is cheap, not cheep, but you know that.
I loved your story!! I wish it was really that simple. I found my love then lost him to esphogeal cancer in less than 2 weeks August 27, 2008. So this bottle, I guess will be mine next.
Beautiful, I loved it. You caught the very essence of wanting love and just how it needs to be, Someone to hold you, to stand beside you, to be a part of you forever. Love is different to so many people, but your poem is exactly how I see love and what it should be like. Keep up the excellent wotk.
"Sweetheart, it‘s nothing, honestly. And if it does become more than just a bit of fun, I promise I’ll quite straight away." It is QUIT straight away, drop the "e".
"I’m not paying for another dose of heroine. You can go to hell!’ " It is spelled "Heroin". "There just wasn’t enough room for me in his relationship with heroine. " Again, the spelling is Heroin.
It is really a great story and so very, very true. The 'drug' of choice can change, but the out come is still the same; one person is lost to the 'drug' and the other is just plain lost. The answer is for the one torn apart to leave, but that is so much eaier said than done, and I have a feeling that will always be so.
Great work, I enjoyed your story a lot.
Perfect. People judge others not for what they See in othres, but what they Want From others. Boy do I know that for a fact. The love of my life died 8/27 and his sisters and one of his semi-friends (semi because Bob was a Good Catholic and this guy is a looser with a chip on his should and a lot more and none of it is good.)
"I won’t put up with your abuse.
I can put myself to a better use. I truly believe this. Very good words to live by.
You are a beautiful writer. You take the reader in on the first line and keep them interested until they reach the end. Poetry must be like this but some people fall way short of this mark. Yours is perfect and I can't say enough good things about it. keep up the excellent work.
I love it !!! But it is really for everyone who has ever loved or been young, and that covers all of us! So personally I would change the rating, I think ASR covers much more eroticia genre things and this porm is too good not to share it with more people. Keep up the excellent work
This is exactly what I need right now. Bob renewed my faith in God so much during our time together and a place to say a prayer and ask for strength is just what I need right now. Life is too short, we need to hold our loved ones near, always, always, finding the time for hugs and kisses during each and every day, never let one pass without making sure that they know you care.
Compairing your love with the love of major characters is never easy. You WANT it to be the same, but it hardly ever is. I do like your poem a lot and I enjoyed reading it. I love my Bob so much and we met later in life which I have written about a few times in my Port. A game site named Pogo.com started it all and a year later I moved 3000 miles from the West coast to the East to be with him. That was almost 5 years ago and I have never been happier.
"IN fact Sara didn't even think twice about how odd it was to see traditional Navajos driving like that in the middle of Chicago." IN needs to be just "In".
I loved your story! Wouldn't it be nice if when you left your bum of a man there just happened to be a Navajo driving by? This sounds a little like an old Indian legend, where just what you need at the time suddenly appears.
I loved your story, it has great meaning for the people who put up with the lies and the messes every day when they just could leave and start a new journey. Keep up the excellent work!!!!
A funny little tale!!! I did see his frustration and I know how that can be. I, on the other hand do not move things around except for my own things. Maybe there is a story in there. I have returned my things to the spare room so that my Bob can sleep if I have to go somewhere. Of course I could have left things in our bedroom, but I hate to wake him up. Guess that is how I am considerate
Your story is kind of like the Stephen King book called "Needful Things", where the towns people would find just what they Thought they needed most and falling in love with the object that would turn out to be just junk. Here you have Stacy finding the ring and a picture that looks just like here. Great story but very unnerving. Keep up the excellent work.
"There was nothing left for us to do but settle under the surface and wait for the tide to turn so we could return to shore. As we waited, I thought about my Becky and the life we had in front of us now that the deed was done and the reward would be ours. Eventually, we all fell into a deep, peaceful sleep as the air inside the hull expired."
This is so said, the way life ended for these brave men, it is a great shame we didn't know more about submarines back then and they would not have died so needleddly. I feel for the families and I love the way you brought them all to life again in such a fantastic way. Keep up the excellent work!!!!
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