first im posting this in order so its more easily understood, and i hope that you don't take offense to any of my suggestions, they are after all suggestions and may or may not work with your writing style.
When it says, And then--BAM!--she was not there anymore.
you really don't want to start a sentence in a story with And, it really off sets it, And signifies that there was something else before it but when a sentence begins with it, it confuses the reader and slows the reader down. next when it says BAM, it makes it sound like an actual event or an explosion, sort of speak, also the mention of the glass being full when she walked in the bathroom really could be omitted it to confuses the reader, so the paragraph could read something like.
Six years later, Angela woke in the middle of the night, her throat abnormally dry, reaching over to the bedside table she picked up the empty glass. She crossed her room and hallway, walked into the dark bathroom and switched on the light. She looked at herself in the mirror to see how her appearance fared the night, she wasn't there.
i don't know if this sounds any better to you but it does make it a little more rounded and concise, if you don't think so you don't have to incorporate it or change it by any means, just giving my opinion as a aspiring author.
also when it goes onto say that she could sense, no feel hands caressing her head, it, for me didn't sound like something that works well in a story, considering what continues afterwards about the words, changing it a little would really help tie the story together, making it sound more like a story and not a (narrative is the only word i could think of that resembles what it sounds like)
next: She was in a hurry, though. She was being expected by the bank’s VIP customer in that plush restaurant in expensive Augusta Street.
this is another sentence that really didn't seem well thought out, if it read more like.
She was in a hurry, the Bank's VIP customer expected her at the restaurant on Augusta street.
I don't know if its me but a lot of your sentences seemed kind of broken in a sense, i would suggest you go back through and read it aloud, its actually a really great story. |
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| (4.5)
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