*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cheri55422/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11
Review Requests: OFF
867 Public Reviews Given
867 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 7 8 9 10 -11- 12 13 14 ... Next
251
251
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Found your story in the romance newsletter. Quite a nifty little story you have here. I got the characters and the plot clearly.

Interesting ending. Nice little touch to figuratively squash him like a bug.

clothe in a dress and high-heel shoe [did you mean clothed?]
and as it laid square in the palm of his hand [proper American would be "lay in the palm of his hand."]

So those are my little inputs and outputs. It's your story, do what you want.

Later,
WDC power award
252
252
Review of Green Eyes  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Okay, first the good stuff. Always wondered how guys take on romance and this one was definitely outside the proverbial box. I was not bored or uncomfortable. Seemed like you handled the tough spots with finesse. Had nice little twists and turns for a good story. This would be a good backstory for a novel length story.

What worked: love happy endings. I too believe in love at first sight and that it is possible for it to last a lifetime. I like the way you tackled all the emotions that converge at one time when you get a terminal (or even potentially terminal) diagnosis. And it really does play out like you said, moving from one extreme emotion to void of emotion in split seconds.
What didn't: I went scurrying to research if two AIDS people can have an HIV negative baby. I think a line about it requiring extra care, you were still scared ... I don't know something to say that there are treatments and you wanted this baby enough to at least try ... JMO

Rating is appropriate...barely. Please bump up the font for my old eyes. If there were punctuation problems, I did not notice. I did notice that the formatting was not uniform.

As always, it is your choice to either use my opines or you can take my two cents worth and put them in the gumball machine. Later,

WDC power award



253
253
Review of Imaginary Friend  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow. I found your story in the HUB and decided to give my hand a try at reviewing your work.

Thank you for having a good grasp at grammar and punctuation, and for bumping up the font. It makes for an easier read.
I got the story line and the plot right off. It was a wise move to tell the story from the 6-year-old’s perspective with a smattering from Nana so that we can see what an adult would see and not have to rely on the perceptions of the child.
I don’t know how to make the ending stronger, just that it needs to be. Kind of anti-climactic to have a chase scene and then end with being watched or opening doors.

Just a few things that need to be cleaned up to make the story work better:
leaving the girl's care to his live in maid, and the antebellum house was inherited. [clumsy. Try: live-in maid, and in the antebellum house he had inherited from ?]
It has to be a hundred times as large Mama and Daddy's trailer, she thought. [as large as]
Katie realized Theo never came to play she was in the same room with Nana. [came to play when she was]

That’s all I can think of right now. Like your style, looking forward to more of your stuff.

WDC power award
254
254
Review of Loss of Color  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Is creepy an emotion? good job on going to that place where obsession lies. most people would not have the guts to tackle such an forbidden emotion. I don't know enough about poetry to tell you anything about technical stuff. Now get back to NaNo!. :)
255
255
Review of I Am Jill  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am not sure what the contest parameters are. I am assuming there is a limited word count and you are trying to describe yourself to the reader. If you wanted to get across that you are a cute little thing, well educated and are focused. That came across. I don't know what makes you laugh, cry, or bang your head against the wall. If that is not important, then your piece is fine. If you wanted to tell the reader what drives you, that did not come across very well.

Overall if you wanted to deliver information, you did. I have a good idea what you look like and something about your moral compass. If that's all you want me to know, good job. If not, add some zest.
256
256
Review of War never changes  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First, this is very short and yet I got everyone's character. The only thing I don’t like is that you tried to get inside your friend’s head to determine why they would want to join the war effort. Every time you try to guess another person's thought processes, you end up guessing wrong. Better to ask -- even if you don't like the answer.

No glaring typos or grammar problems. Just a difference of opinion on word choice:

In that instance I saw an entire future [i think you meant "In that instant"]

Not a fan of Other as a genre. you can get away with it as a newbie, but as time goes on, you will see that people review by genres. Not always, but usually. Obviously Friendship would be a genre. Military and possibly emotional would be good fits as subgenres. Title, teaser and rating all work.

Overall you did a good job in conquering a tough subject and standing by your convictions.
257
257
Review of Brotherly Love  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I chose to review your piece because of the military component and was set up to appear like a short story. It did not feel like a poem, it read more like a very short story. Maybe that’s because you used an iPad or smartphone. I encourage you to use a real computer where you can set up your poetry in line and verse. It is confusing any other way. This would work as a short story, all you have to do is incorporate the five senses and it is good to go.
How did you get away with an E rating for a war story/”poem”. The only way I knew the story/”poem” dealt with marines is because you mentioned it in your teaser. If that is important, you should mention it somewhere in the piece itself. Since it is presented as a “poem” the length and characterization are okay. It just did not have a poetry vibe to me. If that is important, it needs to be tweaked to have that rhythm.
So now the fun Grammar Police section. If you are going to present a piece for review, I implore you to take care with your grammar and punctuation. This is such a short piece, you must have had time to give it a once over. The strength of your work is marred by silly errors in all but one line. See below:
He is weakend,cripled at the soul.His [s/b He is weakened, crippled at the soul. His]
existance.Isolation [s/b existence. Isolation]
comrades.Pleading [s/b comrades. Pleading]
connot [s/b cannot]
Unitill his final breath he faught, not untill the final [s/b Until his final breath he fought, not until the final]
I know I rambled on and on about the difference between poetry and story, but I like your work and I think you show tremendous potential. With a little care, you would have a fantastic piece.

WDC power award
258
258
Review of Pain  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (2.5)
I know what you mean. It reads more like a theoretical dissertation than getting into the raw emotional body sensations that go with the pain. If you decide to rework it, make sure you get your hands dirty. This hands off approach takes the poetry out of your work.
259
259
Review of Monster Mash 2014  
for entry "Tall Tales" 
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
Oh, she's cold. I recommend flowers....and not the dead ones. And not the fun filled daisy of all colors. Do you drink wine? That's always a nice after-thought. And crawl. Crawling is a nice touch.

Later you one star wonder

Cheri
260
260
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I think I would add nonsense as a genre, but that's just me, you know? The one who is always right.

How can you review something that does not make sense, all you have to do is say you intended it that way? So you get the prize for the being able to write backward, upside down and sideways with grace and no dignity. Cheers!

WDC power award
261
261
Review by Cheri Annemos
Rated: E | (5.0)
Love the prep, the support and the resource links. I am learning so much and experiencing the habit of completion. Thank you
262
262
Review of Crystal  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Title it after your wife. (since it is for her and about her anyway). It is the only change I would make. I would stick love/romance as a genre instead of other. But it's your piece, and these are just suggestions to use or not use.

Later,

signature for file
263
263
Review of Monster Mash 2014  
for entry "Night Game" 
Review by Cheri Annemos
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
When you go for the green wienie prize, you sure do deliver.
264
264
Review of Comrades  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is brilliant. I wish there was a way to promote stuff on this site, if there is, i don't know about it. I usually do not like poetry all the much, but this one had wow written all over it. I am a fan for sure.

Can't see one thing that i would change even if I knew what a tetrameter was. I hope you won your contest.
265
265
Review by Cheri Annemos
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the way you write. Consistency is the big thing and I see that you are staying very true to your character profiles. This genre really does need representation in NaNo. I hope you write, even if you choose not to publish, at least give it a go.

If you think about it, next time bump up the font to 4 or better, it just works better for my aged eyes. :)
266
266
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
found this little treasure in the comedy newsletter. You had the number 1 spot, so i figured you did something to earn it.

Loved this. And it is so true, had a friend in IT and he was so calm when I was running around with my hair on fire wondering what I screwed up and you must fix it right now.

You were probably laughing so hard writing this that you missed these.
a office (an office)
"Joe, ("Joe,")
“Sorry to interrupt Stacey, Michelle barged into psuedo office/cubicle. "Jim you gotta help me.” (can't figure out where to put the fourth set of quotation marks.)

Love your work. Looking forward to the next one.

WDC power award
267
267
Review by Cheri Annemos
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
All glory had past, there was no rising sun, [I would use either: had passed or was past]

I have no understanding of poetry other than it has to rhyme and it has to have a cadence and you met those two elements. You managed to find decent enough rhymes for good and belly, I do not have a better solution because i don't do poetry. I like your story poem. But I don't get the action/adventure genre. I would have thought gothic or death would have been more appropriate because you are talking about the death of a spirit before the death of a body.

Overall you did a good job telling the story of what happens when a person's life mimics the life of Job (pronounced Joeb).
268
268
Review by Cheri Annemos
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good luck to those who entered the contest. I am not entering the contest, but i wanted to participate to get feedback and stuff like that. For some reason my item is not posting to the assignment log. My blog is "My Newbie is Showing...." and by golly it sure is with this game. I will probably be eliminated for something simple like in those elimination shows on TV. Anyway....you will have to excuse me, my newbie is showing. Maybe I will figure this out by November. Toodles....
269
269
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I did recognize the tune. Other than not being able to figure out where gothic came in as a genre, i can't complain about anything. I thoroughly enjoyed your story. It is a gift to be able to build characters just by writing the way people talk. You painted the picture so well, I can see everything play out, it is perfect. Very good job.
270
270
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found your chapter in my hub. I offer these observations, and they are only observations. You do not have to use any of them. I hope they help.

Grammar/punctuation/typos:
All the potions and spells she used to keep her miserable self alive was not working like they should. [were not working like they should …All denotes more than one, thus were is the correct word….JMO]

Limping through the woods Hagadorn wished she had brought Dustbottom with her [woods, …]
and hide behind a thicket of briars [and hid behind]
The three sensitive hairs in the wart on her cheek, twitched warning [cheek twitched, ]
How can't this be? [how can…]
. Climbing, wearily to her feet with a moan she panted [no comma necessary]

Rating/genre appropriate: 13+ is appropriate. If you choose a second genre, Young adult would be a good fit.

Character/plot development: If you want to bump up the word count, enhancing the characters and the plot is the place to do it. If you go for a young adult novel, then this is about the right size.

What worked/did not work:
Your ideas are strong. I like that the witch is having second thoughts about spreading the evil before she dies. What veil are you putting up so that she does not figure out that there is no peace when she transfers the evil. Remember to create a plot outline and character sketch so that you don’t slip sideways in the middle of your story.

Overall impressions. You have the start of a very good story here. It is a good thing you asked for help because your punctuation needs work. Try to read more stories from the Power Reviewers. You will pick up the punctuation automatically. For example, it will give you that sense that you may not know why a comma goes “there”, just that it does. Good luck

WDC power award
271
271
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I finished your piece which means it held my interest all the way through. Yea, you. I found your piece through Power Reviewers. Lovely little story.

Grammar/punctuation/typos:
“The one thing I don't I don't understand is how my machine is working without this?” Werner handed [I would not correct the wording, because this is the way people talk. But I would stick a – between the two “I don’t”s so that we can see the stutter in the talking.]

Rating/genre appropriate: Appropriate. If you were looking to add another genre, animal or comedy would be a good fit. Shooting for two genres is just a piece of advice I got from one of the paid reviewers.

Character development: All the characters were so unique, even the aliens, which is terrific.

Plot development: I think this story screams for pictures, it is hard to follow what is going on. And being a children’s book, illustrations are expected.

Overall impressions. } Too funny. I thought it was cute. Put a smile on my face for sure.

WDC power award

** Image ID #powershop Unavailable **

272
272
Review of Ante Up  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I usually don't review poetry because i don't get it. As long as it rhymes and has a cadence, all is good.

With that said, i totally am confused by the last stanza. It's almost like you wrote the second grouping (which is tight and fantastic) and then tried to find something to bookend it with.

Also, I think you need to revamp you rating and genre. I recommend ASR, poetry, and subgenres of emotional and romance/love. You could also get away with tragedy or dark. Whatever ones you choose, get rid of other, other.

WDC power award
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann




273
273
Review of Going Home  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found this little gem through Power Reviewers Shop. My goal is to offer what I consider constructive criticism, not to hand out warm fuzzies. With that said, you have amazing talent and I am oh, so jealous.

Rating/genre appropriate: Appropriate. Thank you for bumping up the font, it really helps my older eyes.

Character development: I got the lead character straight away. Kudos for giving each character an individual personality and not a sidestep off the same template. Love that you gave a personality to an inanimate object (Maddy).

Plot development: More experienced readers probably would have seen where this was going, but this reader was pleasantly surprised at the end. Everything was seamless which I appreciate. You took your time to paint a beautiful picture with your words.

Grammar/punctuation/typos:
He slowed as he passed The City Grill, the hang-out spot of his youth where the all the possibilities of life had been discussed. [Looks wrong. Extra word?]
He looked at the line of columns stretching down the street and noticed a older woman walking toward him. [an older]
Ralf's felt his cheeks grow warm [don’t need the apostrophe]

Overall impressions. Perfectly paced. Everything just seemed to fit perfectly, I can see why you won the contest. Well done.

WDC power award

** Image ID #powershop Unavailable **



274
274
Review of Dinner Out  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Jeff: You are so funny. I found your piece through Power Reviewers, but I remember you from the recent blogging conundrum I had. So here are my thoughts

I finished your piece which means it held my interest all the way through. Yea, you (and there were a few that I could not make it past the first sentence in a 300 word piece.)
Grammar/punctuation/typos: Thank you for not making me look up words, correct punctuation or fix typos.
Rating/genre appropriate: Appropriate.
Character development: Amazed you got the highlights in with only 300 words to work with.
Plot development: Too funny. I can just see the sequels where he has to do a merry dance not to have to go back there.
Overall impressions. } I thought it was cute. Put a smile on my face for sure.

WDC power award

** Image ID #powershop Unavailable **



275
275
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I found your piece through Power Reviewers. These are just my observations and suggestions. They are not must do’s or have to’s, in the end this is your piece and your choice on what you want to do next. You do not have to defend your piece to me, and you do have the right to ask questions about any of my comments if anything is unclear.

Grammar/punctuation/typos:
One child cling to her in sleep, another held her hand pulling at her with big tears rolling down her face. [s/b clung to her or was clinging to her]

Rating/genre appropriate: Appropriate

Character development: I feel underwhelmed. I got the long, tall stranger, and the overworked mother, I got the kids acting according to their birth order, even the bus driver who has been on the route too ong; but I have no idea who the main character is. Is she a run away? How old is she? Why is she leaving? Why Santa Fe? I did not get any of that.

Plot development: I guess the plot is what goes on at a bus depot. Pick a person and tell their story.

What worked/did not work: What worked and did not work is both sides of the same coin. You were able to describe specific people in a crowd, but I don’t the “story” of any of them.

Overall impressions. Did you win your contest? If you were under word constraints, I would not have sacrificed the backstory. The title promised me an adventure. I do not think that the strange people at the bus depot constitute an adventure.

WDC power award


** Image ID #powershop Unavailable **


329 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 14 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cheri55422/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11