As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.
Overall impressions:
This story has great potential, but needs some careful editing for such bugaboos as punctuation, capitalization, grammar and excessive use of passive verbs. You need to do a bit more showing and less telling with this one.
Suggestions:
Rolo, the littlest wizard, waved his magic stick... Do you think "wand" would work better?
glowing, as thought they had been painted with the dust of the moon... though (also, remove comma after "glowing"; perhaps: "glowing as if painted by moondust"..?
but he could not get them to dance-- Particularly one butterfly . Remove second dash/do not capitalize "particularly" as it is in the middle of the sentence. You do this quite a bit throughout the piece. A careful read-through with an eye toward capitalization would be useful.
"Oooh, I'll never get it right!” Thought Rolo, with great disappointment. "thought" should not be capitalized because, despite the exclamation point, it is part of the preceding sentence. Also, "with great disappointment" is very passive - perhaps: "stamping his feet in frustration" or "as disappointment furrowed his brow"...
He knew that he was running out of time. Try to drop "that" any time you can. It's very often deadwood that should be deleted.
There were only three more days before he would have to present himself before Windella, queen of the fairies, who gave all wizards and sorcerers their magic sticks from the branches of the “Great Tree.” Try using more active verbs throughout. For example: "With only three more days to practice, Rolo trembled at the thought of presenting himself before Fairy Queen Windella, who granted worthy wizards and sorcerors magic wands crafted from branches...." Also, quotations are not needed for the Great Tree. (You might give the tree a more colorful name. Authors often use key words from literature and mythology to name their characters' magic wands and etc. - The Wand of Icharis, The Great Tree of Akantha, for example - see: http://www.behindthename.com/nmc/myth.php for mythology names and their meanings)
Over the years, Windella had become harder and harder to please Toward more active wording: "Windella had grown increasingly difficult to please with each passing year."
He lived in a mighty castle, and when he was summoned by some king to make a potion to cure a sickness, or perform a spell to protect an army going into battle, he would travel with a grand entourage. He had two apprentices, who would follow close behind him, ready to assist in any magic First sentence is very long, and both could be more active: "He lived in a mighty castle. Often summoned by kings to make healing potions or cast protective spells over armies going into battle, Lorku always traveled with his grand entourage. Two apprentices followed close behind, awaiting his call, while another servant lead the mule-driven cart housing all his ingredients and potions." (mule-driven is a compound modifier)
And there was Bome-ba, the dwarf, who beat a steady rhythm on a drum as they traveled, and shouted announcement of Lorku's arrival whenever they entered a town or village Active: "The dwarf, Bome-ba, beat a steady rhythm on the drum as they traveled, announcing Lorku's arrival with bold shouts as they entered a village."
Oh, he couldn't event get those even
“Only three days to go.” Rolo sighed to himself, as that one butterfly wandered off again. It seemed the only one who would appreciate his magic was Pookita-- who was spellbound. Need comma instead of period after "go". How about: "...go," Rolo sighed to himself, watching the lone errant butterfly wander off again. Pookita watched, spellbound. 'You'll be the only one who appreciates my magic old friend,' he told her."
On the morning of the big day, Rolo woke up early "on" is another of those deadwood words it's best to avoid if possible. How about: "Rolo awoke early the big day..."
Pookita, who had been watching Rolo prepare, gave a curious meow How about: Pookita meowed curiously, watching his preparations.
At noon, Rolo and Pookita stopped by the side of the road to have lunch. After lunch, Rolo decided to practice his spell one more time The names are repeated in almost every sentence; substitute pronouns occasionally: "They stopped by the roadside at noon for lunch, after which Rolo decided to practice his spell one last time..."
And finally, his servant leading the mule cart. This is an incomplete sentence: "His servant followed with the mule cart, completing the procession."
"“I present the great and powerful wizard, Lorku. Conjurer of magnificence and Sorcerer to kings." Should be: "I present the great and powerful wizard Lorku, conjurer of magnificence and sorceror to kings!"
He wasn't sure if he was supposed to bow or not "or not" could be dropped
Lorku looked down at Rolo, but said nothing He just Need period after "nothing"
and Rolo was even more sure that Lorku's magic would impress Windella. How about "even more certain", as "more sure" is a bit odd sounding? Also could drop "that" for smoother flow
When Rolo arrived at the Great Tree with Pookita, there was a grand festival underway More active: "Rolo and Pookita arrived at the Great Tree to find the grand festival in full swing."
Windella called for the music to stop,. It was Drop comma
With a deep breath he stepped into the clearing before Windella's throne, Pookita started to follow. Need comma after prepositional phrase "with a deep breath". Use period after "throne" to rectify comma-splice, or re-word: "Stepping before Windella's throne in the clearing, he breathed deeply, noticing Pookita starting to follow."
Greetings Queen Windella, I am Rolo, Need period or semi-colon after "Windella" instead of comma
As he swayed and swirled his magic stick, the butterflies began to dance, swirling and swaying with the motion of the stick. This sentence is very repetetive. How about: "The butterflies began to dance, swaying and swirling with the wand's motions."
Rolo looked up to Windella on her throne, and thought he saw the beginning of a smile, And then that one Another comma-splice - need period after "smile". "And" is used quite frequently, often at the beginning of the sentence. You might want to go through and rework some of these.
She crouched behind a a loaf of bread, and at just the right moment , she pounced Omit extra "a", and extra space after "moment"
red punch washed over the table ruining all the deserts. Need comma after "table"
BOOM-ba-ba-ba-boom-ba-boom!!” Second exclamation point unnecessary
Fairies of th Great Tree! the
The Sultan's of the east and the great King's of the north Delete apostrophes, as these words are not possessive or contractions
powerful, Lorku!!” delete comma
Suddenly there was a flash of light and smoke, and from it appeared, Lorku-the great. No commas needed in this sentence. More active: "From the sudden flash of light and billowing smoke appeared Lorku the Great."
He was welcomed with cheers of awe from the fairies. Active: "The fairies welcomed him with cheers of awe."
Lorku waited for the cheering to quiet and then he spoke "and" used too often: "Lorku waited for the cheering to quiet before speaking"
stopped bowing and started watching he young fairies flying close by watching the...
A panic instantly came over the fairies again, passive...
Rolo looked to Queen Windella,. Her magic was so powerful, that with one word, she could stop the wild dragon, but she just sat on her throne calmly and looked at Rolo. Several problems here, beginning with the extra comma after "Windella". Corrected: "Rolo looked to Queen Windella, whose magic was so powerful she could stop the wild dragon with just a word. But she merely sat calmly on her throne, looking back at him."
You have each shown the value or you magic to me today, and it it is my decision "your magic" (and, delete second "it")
but he knew better Than to challenge "that" shouldn't be capitalized in the middle of the sentence
the littles wizard littlest
Lorku snarled at him, “Oh, shut up!” and stormed down the road with his servants following after. Drop "after". Might try: "Lorku snarled at him. "Oh, shut up!" He stormed down the road, leaving his servants scrambling to follow.
And pookita said, "Meow." Beginning a sentence with "and" is generally not a good idea. Cat's name should be capitalized. The period should be outside the quotations, since sentence begins outside quotations.
Misc.:
This is a cute story with great potential, as I said. You might tinker a bit with the sentences to eliminate passive verbs wherever possible. Think of it this way - active verbs carry the story along, while passive verbs lie flat, leaving the reader to do all the work.
For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK
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