Overall Impression:This is a good start for your novel. I do suggest reading it again and making sure your sentences are tight. I have had the same suggestion and I found a few sentences that could be cleaned up, unnecessary words can slow the pace of a story. You have a wonderful knowledge of vocab, but I caution not to overly use words that could be stated in a simpler manner. From what I learned so far is that Villahr is a widow who lost his wife in childbirth. He is taking care of his son, but is having difficulties because of the resemblance to his dead wife. Is he a vampire, it's hinted but never states if he is. You do get an understanding of the emotional conflict the main character is enduring.
Characters:The main character is a new father, widow and in a depressed state of mind. He is a father, might be a vampire, but this is only the first chapter. There is a dramatic event the character hints at, but does not go into. I suspect that the character might face consequences for it later?
Dialog:None, but it is not needed.
Setting/Scene:The setting is slightly described. I am guessing a castle, plantation or something of that regard. It would be nice to add a little more in about where he lives in better detail. I do like the opening scene, Villahr rocking his newborn to sleep. This would a great time to add a flash back with him and his wife. It would demonstrate the bond between them and to understand his grief.
Grammar/Suggestions:I would edit this and then edit it again. This is not an insult and I have writings that are on their fourth edit and still need work. I am going to give some suggestions for editing and hopefully this will give an idea on what needs to be worked on. I am not trying to offend and hopefully you find my suggestions useful.
What could I have done?
Had I gotten there sooner, might I have saved him?
Had I gotten there sooner, he would still be alive.
I would change the last two sentences so that they do start out the same. This may have been done to emphasize the sentiment, but I feel it weakens it.
Or:
If I had arrived sooner, might I have saved him?
Would he still be alive?
The memory of that night would never leave him, but what’s past is past and all reliving the moment would do is bring suffering, it never brings anyone back.
or:
The memory of that night would never leave him, but that was in the past. Reliving the moment would only bring suffering, it never brings anyone back.
He gazed out the open window and across the empty field at a tree standing tall and proud in the distance.
or:
He gazed out the open window, across an empty field to tree standing tall and proud in the distance.
As he watched, an owl landed on one of its arms, and so he then listened to its cries, in hopes it would drown out the ones in his head.
or:
He watched as an owl landed on one of it's branches, so often he listened to it's cries, hoping it would drown out the ones in his head.
Villahr had been rocking in his rickety old chair for a good quart of an hour, trying to lull Revea, frightened by the whistling winds and branches tickling the window pane, back to sleep, but to no avail.
or:
For an a quarter of an hour Villahr had been trying to lull Revea to no avail. He rocked him in the rickety; old chair, but the whistling winds and branches scratching the window frightened him.
This may not be the soundest sentence either, but at least look at these sentences and try to restructure them. I would definitely recommend changing tickling to scratching, because the latter conveys more of a menacing sound.
The babe was still wide awake, but quiet now; the creak of the chair swaying forward and back seeming to be calming him.
or:
The babe (baby, newborn, infant- for some reason I don't care for using babe, but that is a weird word issue with me) was still wide awake; but quiet. The creak of the chair and the back and forth movement had calmed him.
He let his eyes drift a moment to his bare chest, skimming right over where the young one lay nestled against his pectoral, and falling on a long, faded defacement that ran parallel to his shoulders over his tight abdomen. Villahr lifted the hand not supporting Revea’s bitty backside and stretched his digits, his index finger coming very close, but pulled back within narrow margin of the flesh as if he were frightened the slightest touch would not only reopen and bring back that agony but all the torment of that night with it.
or:
He looked down at his bare chest, looking over where the young one lay nestled against his chest. He used his free arm reaching towards the faded scar, it ran parallel to his shoulder and over his tight abdomen. He quickly pulled back, frightened the slightest touch would not only reopen it, but bring back the agony and torment of that night.
This is my suggestion, but I am still learning as a writer. So I might be adding my own grammatical errors, but this sentences feels jumbled. I think it could be written with far less words and get the same point across.
As Villahr sat in the darkness, those reflections from not so long ago began to suffocate him further.
Villahrn sat in the darkness, reflections from not so long ago began to suffocate him.
He would not leave his son as his own Doseono, father, care-giver, left him.
or:
He would not leave his own son as his father, Doseono had left him.
I found many other sentences that had a similar problem, go through and cut out words. Here is a tip someone gave me, write and then cut 30% of it. You may not want to cut that much, but having sentences drag makes the story slow down.
This is an interesting idea and a good start on it. I gave a 4.0, but will gladly change my rating after some editing has been done. Most of it works, but it needs to be polished.
I really hope this helps. I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"  . |
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| (4.5)
| (3.5)
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