Overall Impression: This is quite hard to review and at least you did my attention. I am a little puzzled and wondering where you will take this story. I would add more to this and request a review. This does have an unique hook and the absurdity reminds a little of reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
This is only a short part of what is going to be a longer story and I would try to add some with character development. It would also be nice to get an idea of what year this is and how this world has changed.
I enjoyed reading the first part of your story and thank you sharing it.
Overall Impression: I do not review a lot of lyrics and so I normally review like I would poetry. To me poetry is and lyrics are the same, but one is longer and set to music. This poem is a dark and about a troubled young man on the brink of suicide. The ending is tragic to me since he kills himself, but to himself he has hope for his future.
I liked the setup for the song and the nature of it does not bother me at all. The topic of suicide and death can be hard for some to deal with and be squeamish by the lyrics.
He thinks about his lonely past
Wondering how long he'll last
He's too scared to wish for more
And was never shown what he's living for
He numbs the pain, hurt starts to fade
As he scars himself with the blade
He pushes away all his friends
Now his tears will never end
The first part describes the character and the pain he is dealing with. The way that he tries to get rid of the pain is hard to read, but I do not view that as a negative. Some songs, stories and other items are not meant to be happy.
Is he forgotten in life
Or be immortal with death
He will never know
Until his final breath
I am guessing that this would be the chorus and it works. I prefer a part of the song that repeats itself and makes it easier to start learning a song.
Love for him was never shown
So he lives his life all alone
He calls himself the suicide kid, the death machine
But everyone around thinks that obscene
He lives inside his hollow head
Nothing he thinks is ever said
Now he's lost inside his fragile mind
Because loneliness is all he'll find
I like most of the lines written, but my favorites are:
He calls himself the suicide kid, the death machine
But everyone around thinks that obscene
The only suggestions is that the last four lines seem like they are repeating themselves.
Now he wonders lying wide awake
Can suicide fix God's mistake
Kill the pain he never shows
The pain inside that starts to grow
I really enjoy every word, its dark and rich in emotions. There is something about the line "Can suicide fix God's mistake" that is memorable and haunting. This is a line that can carry with a person and stick in their minds.
He wipes the tears from his eyes
The plan is set, it's time to die
So he drives the dagger into his heart
Hoping he can find a fresh start
The last part of this song is bitter sweet in the character choosing to end his own life. But I stated before a odd sense of hope that maybe in death there is something better.
I enjoyed reading your lyrics and thank you for sharing them.
Overall Impression: This is a creative idea for writing and the description caught my interest. Second if this was possible pretty much everyone on the whole planet would try it. Trying to save yourself form losing the love of your life is a relate-able to anyone who has let love slip away.
Plot: To me it does not matter how this letter is possible, but the idea of trying to help your past self make the future better is great.
Characters: Michael is a man who had love and did not know how to keep it. The letter says a lot about it and most of all the regret and sadness he feels.
Style/Tone: The fact that it was written as a letter worked for me. I enjoyed how the story was revealed in the letter. There is a sad tone that is carried through the story.
Grammar: I only found one small mistake and it is the line below;
There is so much more i want to tell you but why take all the mystery out of life?
(I think you can find)
I enjoyed reading your letter/story and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: By the title I will guess that this chapter will have more added. For the first part it is done well, this chapter to sets ups a conflict and I can see that there is some issues with this land. I wonder if Wilkin's journey ends here or if he will have large role to play. This does show of some of the characters and the atmosphere.
Characters: Everyone is gone over well, but Roland unless that is part of his character. He seems like a hard man who ignores troubles around him and does not get involved. Wilkin comes across as a loving son who only wanted to protect his mother. The one dwarf who got stabbed in the but seems horrible. I also didn't like Sir (Lord) Ertok comes across as a jerk, but that is a positive if you meant for his character to be despised.
Setting/Scene: This had enough of a description that helped me imagine the little kitchen, smell the bread and pigeon stew cooking and see the different characters play there roles. The opening scene of Roland walking into this conflict worked and worked with the ending of the last chapter.
Dialog: This works and the use of language makes sense. The dialect reminds me of the Lord of the Rings or The Once and Future King. Almost like a period piece, but as stated before it gives this story more depth.
One suggestion:
there was a smell of contentment coming from above,
I know what you are saying here, but it's hard to imagine smelling contempt. I could understand feeling or sensing contempt. This is only my opinion and do not have to agree.
I enjoyed reading the first part of your second chapter and I hope you continue on working on this.
Overall Impression: This story packs a lot for a short story. I am curious about the length, frequently shorty stories on WDC are created for a contest that limits word count. I am just curious and either way the story was done well. Second any suggestions I make are only my opinion and you can do with them what you see fit.
Characters: Frank who doesn't know he's dead. When I read it the first time I thought Frank died people watching, but when I read it a second time I realized he was dead from the start. This story is great how it is, but if you ever feel like you want to expand it I would work on Frank's melancholy past. I would liked to have a better understanding of Frank. What happened to him that made his life tragic? Did he have regrets over his past and what were they? The story could have more of an emotional impact if the reader could connect to the character.
Plot: A man dies in the park and no one notices. This reminds me of the countless homeless who die each year and buried without a name to put on their tombstone.
Setting/Scene: This is hard to review, because there was not much of description of setting. This is another area that could be expanded upon. I did get an idea of his home and the recliner where he sits and watches the world go by. The one scene that become tricky to read is when it switched to describing Frank at the coroners office. Then it seems to switch back to what Frank is seeing and I was confused for a moment. I also a little confused by the word screen. Is his view from a window or a television that is in head of course.
Dialog: No problem here. But writing about a dead character may limit that aspect.
Grammar: First off I am not an expert, but there was not any very obvious mistakes that I can pick up. Great job on that.
Welcome to WDC and I hope that this helps you in any way with your writing.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: An uplifting poem about a dark subject that everyone can relate to, because no matter what we all will die. This poem does not linger on the negative aspects of death, but acceptance and hope that we will go on.
This is great start for the poem and shows the different emotions involved in death and how it change with time. I am going to give a small suggestion on the way it is reason. See below for my example, but this is your poem and your opinion is what matters.
Separation,
Loss,
Weeping,
Loneliness,
Calm,
And
Peace…
We all have our own ideas about death.
The separation from a loved one,
loss of innocence.
The three lines are written well, the part about loss of innocence was a perfect line and sentiment about the feelings people have about death.
Weeping for what we no longer have.
Loneliness in a world that no one else can share.
The calmness that overcomes the frail.
Peace follows the adversity for the tortured body and soul.
Death is a separation.
This verse is good, but not as well done as the others. The only problem I see is that the second line is a little long and does not keep with the natural rhythm set in the poem. The last three lines reminds me death that comes to sick or old and how that is a release from a body that causes suffering.
If we try to make it more it becomes overwhelming.
Death is not something to fear.
We will see again, that which we have lost.
These two lines do not completely work next to each other. I would suggest adding a line to transition from not trying to over analyze death to noting that is nothing to fear. The last line is excellent and is positive with a sense of hope.
Innocence is reborn in the face of an infant,
the laughter of a child,
the joy of life.
Death is not the end,
only a new beginning.
These lines brings out how we can find joy in life and to learn to accept death.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank your for sharing.
Overall Impression: This is a great start for a chapter and it did catch my interest. The writing does need to be polished and I would suggest cutting a bit before the lead up to the fight scene between the boys fighting.
Grammar and Suggestions:
The suggestions I make you do not have to use, but to give ideas.
It wasn’t a particularly cold night but an odd chill was in the air. It seemed thick like the entire world was on edge.
First I would avoid having your book start with the word it, this is not a strong word and you want the first couple of sentences need to grab the reader. The other suggestion is not to have two sentences in a row start with the same word.
The night wasn’t particularly cold, but an odd chill was in the air. It seemed thick like the entire world was on edge.
It was so loud she jumped straight up from her bed. It sounded like thunder only much closer.
See above:
It was so loud she jumped straight up from her bed and it sounded like thunder only much closer.
This time she couldn’t resist the urge to look out her window. She sat up on her knees to look at the window just behind her headboard.
This sentence is a little awkward and I am not even sure how to reconstruct it.
Outside there was only darkness less the light from the crescent moon that hung silently in the sky.
This sentence is a little confusing.
Outside the only the light came from the crescent moon that hung silently in the sky.
She sighed telling herself that she had imagined it but as she turned to lay in bed again her eye caught a strange light in the sky.
or:
She sighed, telling herself that she had imagined it. She turned to lay in bed again, her eyes caught a strange light in the sky.
She focused on that spot waiting to see if it would happen again. It did.
I would suggest to get to get rid of the second part, "It did". The second sentence explains the light comes back so that is not needed.
This is a great read and I only made suggestions to help it be stronger. The last part does lead into the rest of the story. The part that you end it at does create an interest to read more.
I enjoyed reading your first chapter and thank you for sharing it.
I read your article and it made me think of different e-mails and texts that have been sent to me. This was informative and makes grateful that I was never the type to forwarded anything! Luckily for me that helped stop most of those from coming in my in-box. I have looked up copy right information and found there are sights with copy right free images. These are only to be used for personal use that does make you a profit. I have used one of these and I was wondering, should I try to track them down for permission or add the website link? I am only asking since you are so passionate about this and now I question my own behavior if I am part of the problem.
And this was a wonderful read and I was enthralled by your article.
In this world it seems like nothing is scared and people cheat, copy and steal others work. I did hear about the students who cheated and the parents were mad that they received a failing grade, how sad. I know another part of society has changed that bothers me too, taking videos and pictures of people without permission. Then they can post it on-line and people can make comments. When did everything become like an open market?
I apologize if I got a little long winded in my review.
I enjoyed reading your thought provoking article and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: This will be a short review, because I love this story and to me is perfect. I can see how this was published and hopefully you can find a way to get published again. Personally I like the POV in the story, its not in fashion now, but I don't understand why.With the omnipresent narrator can open up the story and the ability to write from different perspectives at one time.
This story is tense and the ending is wonderful. The idea that Michael will continue with his dark deeds makes it scarier.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
First Impression: This is a unique item that I would state is an essay not an article. If this was article a person would learn about cults and the information you give would be proof check and verified. The reason I say this is an essay is that in your writing we understand your view point and personal opinions on cults. Second the way it is written is odd, not the writing but the spacing I would change it so the wording goes across the page. Right now it looks like a poem.
Overall Impression: Then I read it and your style is quirky and funny. The first paragraph almost lost my interest, but I continued reading because I was curious on where it was headed. I was happy to find that the more I read the better it and it picked up momentum. The last paragraph is hysterical and made me laugh.
Some suggestions (And this is only help and you may do with them what you want)
Yes, I saw it in a documentary: "In Search of the Great Beast" directed by Robert Gatofalo." a church lady might say.
Yes, I saw it in a documentary; "In Search of the Great Beast" directed by Robert Gatofalo", a church lady might say.
There's no child sacrifices. That's good.
There's no child sacrifices, that's good.
It just gets stranger and stranger as we head for the end of the Mayan Calendar. Rituals are very important in religions and cults. How about a national Satan day?
The transition from writing about the Mayan calender to a national day for Satan is a little quick. I would suggest to put a sentence helps make the transition smoother.
I enjoyed reading your article and thank your for sharing it.
Overall Impression: This is interesting article about learning the mysteries that are hidden in you own family tree. The article drew me in and in interesting enough that kept on reading.
Grammar: I put some sentences below that I believe could be written better, some may not have errors and only come across a little awkward. I can not claim to be an expert, but these did stand out. I put suggestions, but you can decide if you use them or not.
And who would ever believe that my date with destiny and revelation’s of my life would come to light from a most unlikely source, a grandson I never met, my family in the future; someone I know I would have loved deeply, from one of my dearest children, my son Clarence.
This sentence runs a little long and the last part could be written more clearly.
And who would ever believe that my date with destiny and revelation’s of my life would come to light from a most unlikely source. A grandson I never met; my family in the future, someone I know I would have loved deeply, from one of my dearest children, my son Clarence.
They, my doctors, say I died from a stroke, but I know better and believe me it was grief and a broken heart and a very tough life that took me.
The start of this sentence is not horrible, but personally I feel that beginning with They weakens the whole sentence.
My doctors say I died from a stroke, but I know better. I believe me it was a broken heart and a very tough life that took me.
I spoke French like most everyone else in the small town of Fort Kent, Maine I was born in bordering Canada.
This sentence is a tad confusing.
I spoke French like most everyone else in the small town of Fort Kent, Main that bordered Canada.
Little did I realize her destiny was to become my destiny.
The word destiny is repeated in the same sentence. Nothing wrong with that, but it feels a little repetitive.
Little did I realize her destiny was to become my own.
Daddy drank- then daddy got mean.
or:
Daddy drank and he was a mean drunk.
The sexual abuse started early in my life and came from family, friends, and my employers, the people whose home’s I cleaned.
This sentence is a little to long and could be written more clearly. The example I give may not be perfect is to clarify what I am pointing out.
The people whose home's I cleaned were the ones who started the sexual abuse early in my life. They were my family, friends and employers.
After all was done I had no sympathy and no shoulder to cry on.
The sentence makes me think that she had no sympathy for anyone else.
After all was done I had no shoulder to cry on or anyone to sympathize with my situation.
My mother had the same last name as I, as did my cousin’s and their mothers. That hot topic continually remained a hush-hush subject. I am just going to advise read this sentence again and see where it can be improved.
I enjoyed reading your article and thank you for sharing it. This is a fascinating article and you have a talent for writing.
Overall Impression: This is a very emotional read that kept my interest and I wanted to find out what was going to happen next. A story of a toxic relationship between two people who hurt themselves and each other.
Suggestions: This item is listed as a poem, but its more of a short story. When a person clicks on your item they may not take to the time to read it. To me it's like opening a box of chocolates and getting fresh fruit instead. I love both, but I would be confused by the label. The description works it is emotional, but you could also add relationship and dark to it as well.
Grammar: I am not an expert by any means, but I would suggest going through and reading this again. There are a lot of sentences that are quite long and could be split and made shorter. I am going to put a couple of examples below to help guide you if you decide to edit this item:
They grew to be ok friends, got to know eachother a bit.
The mistake is small, but I found another sentence with the same tiny error.
It wasn't until he was long gone she admitted to herself that she had been in love with him. It seemed safe if she was certain she'd never look into those devious brown eyes again. This happened one more time, having two sentences start with the same letter takes away from the story. There is nothing wrong with doing it, but this a powerful story and little things like this can take away from the impact.
The boy had his heart broken by his first love, which as you may have guessed wasn't that hopeless girl but one who was very likable, very pretty, and also, not ready for the relationship she'd promised him about a year before. This sentence is an example of one that could be broken up, I looked this up and it a run on sentence and this occurs frequently in your story.
Good: The first week they dated he noticed the cuts on her arm. This has nothing to do with grammar. Instead of the good/bad, I would change it to reflect the chronological order. This way a reader can understand the time line better and have a better grasp of how much time this story covers.
Character: Neither main character had a name and having the words he/she repeated in the entire "poem" can be a little off putting. Except that I wonder if no names were given to make this story feel like it could be about anyone you know. A love story that people have been in, seen or heard of. The one problem in the story is that the characters seem to make the same mistakes over and over. You do learn about the characters in this "poem" and I definitely did not like the boyfriend and the girlfriend helps create her own misery. The part that mentions that he is a pothead in the middle of story could be mentioned earlier. When it is stated he is a druggie, I was thinking a more hard core like meth, coke or prescription pills. His angry outbursts also reflect someone with a drug habit (not weed) or emotional problems.
Setting: This is not described in detail, but it does not take away from this "poem". The focus is more on the interactions between the characters than where they are.
Dialog: The dialog itself works I would think about separating it from the paragraphs.
Tone/Style: The tone of the story carries through and is solid. The style threw me off a little, its interesting and a unique. As another suggestion I would read this and think if you are telling this story or showing it. To me this story was told to me, but I wonder if that is such bad way to write. But I would try to include a few moments where we get into the girl's head so to speak. Where a person can see through her eyes, feel her heart ache and understand the emotional moments that she faces.
Ending: To me this has one the saddest most tragic endings of any story I ever read. This is not a critique and it effected me in way that surprised me. The ending seems open ended, a story that goes on but the reader is not aware of what happens. The knowledge that this sick, twisted relationship will continue made me upset. Not all "poems", stories need to have a happy ending.
This was a great emotionally moving "poem" that does need some work to help it shine.
I enjoyed reading your "poem" and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: This poem took me two reads and I liked it better the second time. One suggestion is to go through and at least make the word "I" capital, the lower case "i"'s is a little distracting. There might not be a rule, but I would suggest changing the start of each line with a capital letter. These are only suggestion and I am only trying to help. Other than that the poem was done well.
Favorite lines:
to this day and the end
man of machines is who i am
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: A wonderful poem that makes me think of every time I have had writers block. The lines are constructed well and I enjoy the simple verses with two lines. The poem has a natural paced and rhythm giving the more depth and meaning.
Favorite verse:
It speaks to me —
words I can't understand.
I enjoy reading your poem and congrats on getting a reward for you poem.
This essay was informative and interesting and I learned quite a few facts about Artemis and some of the other Gods. I find that Gods and Goddesses are usually cruel and did horrible acts for silly reason. If a person did the same they would be deemed insane and locked up.
My favorite fact: Killing all the children of Queen of Thebes, because she bragged about how many she had. That does seem pretty ridiculous to me too.
I enjoyed reading your essay and thank you for sharing it.
Interesting quiz, but I find that none of the answers fit me. But that could just mean I may be a little boring in the sack since have no crazy fetishes. So maybe you can add, none of the above. And of course being tied up, hot wax, and probably not so popular body hair.
It was fun to read and sorry I did not take, as I said above none of the answers were the right fit.
Overall Impression: This is a funny true take on the Twelve Days of Christmas with a great insight into the America's attitude about food. I would also warn people to not read this poem on an empty stomach. Although imagining anyone eating five cherry pies or twelve Krispy Kremes makes me a little nauseated. The poem was done well and yes you can sing to it. I did, but only in my head so that I would not torment my family members around me. The changes you made were perfect and you refreshed a classic.
I enjoyed reading your Christmas poem (and in July) and thank your for sharing it.
Overall Impression: Excellent poem that has a simple rhyming format and that is done well adding the poem. The lines are short and sweet making this a quick, enjoyable read. The reader can understand your message and the emotions behind it. The way it is written is clear and direct.
My favorite verse:
Why can’t the man
Retain the boy,
And reveal to all
His youth and joy?
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank your for sharing it.
Overall Impression: This poem is about a love does have some depth to it, but first I would like to make a suggestion. I do not know if there is a rule to this, but I have seen this before. All the lines start with lower case letters and for it takes away from the visual side of the poem. For me punctuation in a poem is up the writer, if you want fine and you if don't that works too. The way the lines are written takes a little away from the poem. I would read it out loud and you may and see if you agree. Every time I review a poem I remind the author that these are only my opinions and yours always matter more. If you are happy with the poem, then why change it?
The emotional aspect of the poem is done well. There is a haunting nature about, a love that causes pain. Except those are the loves that stay with us more than happy ones.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: Not only did this story draw me in, but for a moment I forgot about the outside world. This was a well done story and it was heartbreaking to read. This is a horror story to me, because there are real children who suffer in abusive parents everyday.
Characters: Greg is well developed character that shows the effects of his environment. His mother is also done well and she is never in the story, but you find out about her through Greg. The whole family is gone over and you explain the family dynamics and how this family is falling apart.
Setting/Scene: The scene where Greg is forced to eat sweets until he is in a diabetic coma is disturbing. His parents are not only abusive, but deadly and it makes the story more intense. I like the last part where the children get together to leave the home before their mother wakes up. This part shows how at least for a moment the kids can be there for each other making life a little easier to bear.
Dialog: I usually don't critique dialog and I am not going to here. The only suggestion is the use of the word biz, it may be slang but its comes across as odd to me. But I may not be familiar with that slang term.
I enjoyed reading your story and thank you for sharing it.
Overall Impression: A great poem for Halloween and reminds me of that time of year. The rhyming scheme works and I would suggest adding the poem format below the poem. This helps in others reviewing the poem, but I understood the rhyming scheme is ABAB (but correct me I am wrong). Generally the poem flows well and is reads smoothly.
A few tips, the second verse drags a little and a hunger is repeated. My suggestion would find another word to describe it. I did a spell check on my review and the word travelling and childen came up as misspelled so I would go over your poem with that in mind. So read your poem out loud and make sure the lines sound fluid and everything is spelled right.
My favorite verse:
If Hell's dogs don't eat you, the travelling witches may...
They've worked quite hard on their deathly toxic brew
Haunting voices call for the childen to come out to play
Chances of survival quickly dwindling to only a mere few.
I enjoyed reading your poem and thank your for sharing it.
Overall Impression: This review will be short since the story was done so well and I greatly enjoyed it. The only suggestion (and is it irony that you recommended it to me?) is that it would nice if the paragraphs are double spaced. I think its hard for anyone to read with the all words so close together. Which reminds me to go back and to check if I have done this on all my items. Back to the review:
Character: Joey is a great character and I agree with Santa he has some issues. Santa is done well and I liked how he came into this fight well armed.
Plot: Boy taking on magical creatures one by one, Santa being the first.
Setting/Scene: I find it hard to pick out one scene I like more than the others. Although the last part when he is talking his friends is a little confusing, but it shows that there is something very wrong with this boy.
This was a fun Christmas story and I enjoyed reading it. Thank your for sharing it.
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