Enjoyable piece that keeps me wanting to read more. Two thoughts if his girlfriend screamed and he was worried about her. Why would he take the time to get undressed? Just a little thing.
This story did not bore me at all. In fact it was an interesting peek into someone's life. They way you described the betrayel of a friend is perfect. The way you describe how he felt made you feel for his character. The ending is very sweet and uplifting. I like how this shows how in one day things can be down and suddenly your on top of the world.
A little repetative, but I do like the feeling of the poem itsefl. I am not sure how to explain so I will put an example of what I would change.
Tears, cascading down
A smile, upside down
a sad faced clown
Instead of having a sad faced clown repeat every other sentence I would pair two then add it in.
I am new and still working on giving better reviews. So I am sorry if this offends in any way.
I enjoyed your story. The setting, characters and plot were very well described and I could imagine in my mind what was happening. The ending was a suprise to me.
It's enjoyable, but there are some structure issues. I would read this over and edit. Some of the sentences seem to ramble a bit and it feels a little disjointed. There were parts did not blend with the rest of the story.
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