A very nice poem. The subject interest me to. Time and the lack of control we have over it. I saw a few things that might make your poem flow even better than it already does. In the second stanza the third line, if you omit the and it reads a little better, likewise the second stanza last line. Just a suggestion, its your poem and a good one at that. The only question I had was in regard to the second line, did you mean to write "Is steady not"?
Good subject for a poem since God is the light of the world. your poem seems a little wordy. for example your first three lines. " Much is said of light, that which lives within us or that which we blindly seek," We could try: Much is said of light, which lives in us or that light we blindly seek, Just an idea. If you spend a little time with this poem I think it could be a great poem. Its yours to work with or not.
Good piece, it made me think for awhile. If we objectify people, we are bound to be disapointed. If we personify objects we are bound to become idolitors. Too heavy for me.
This is a great start on a great poem. This poem would read easier if it were fine tuned. For example it may read better if we got rid of uneeded words. The first and second lines you wrote: " The bright sunbeams peak around the treetops
the grass and weeds was as wild as we were."
What if we deleted some words and changed some of the words without loosing the meaning.
Bright sunbeams peak around the treetops
grass and weeds; wild as we were.
Just some thoughts of natural changes you can make to help the read. There are more changes that can be made in the poem. Its your work so enjoy.
Good write, makes you want to head for mountains for a good time fishing, hiking and just enjoying the family. There are a few problems with punctuation and spelling. There seems to be an improper use of capital letters where ther not needed. I like the piece in spite of the mistakes.
It seems to me that this loving dad should have robbed an ice cream parlor instead of the bank. Oh well maybe the out come would have probably been the same.
I think you have the makings of a good poem here, however the poem ends as if you were called away and didn't have time to finish it. The poem is also a little wordy, for example the first line: "I'm standing on a precipice". For a better read (I'm standing on a pprecipice ) to continue
"I can not make a sound" for a better read (I can't make a sound) and so on. Just a suggestion.
The end of the poem should not be where you ended it, there is more to come.
A good poem for the month of October. I like your poem for me it has just a few problems. One problem is that your poem is a little wordy. It would read better if you do away with un-necessary words like the first line " Graveyards are the most eerie of places" to Graveyards the most eerie of places". The fourth line could read Each dirty gray headstone talks. and so on.
Also the seventh line is hard to read and should be made easier. He brings us all here as is death's quest,
Great poem, but you gave away all of our secrets. Never let the other person know how you feel. Ha! That's not working either, I think I'll stick with sex and more sex and lots of food.
A good poem but it feels like your still upset because you've been left behind. maybe you could add to the poem a stanza that shows how it ws all for the best, you have moved on.
Good poem. Theres no darkness like "the darkness that engulfs the stars" I wish thing were as described in the first stanz but they are more like the ladder.
Sounds like to me you are not happy here. If you can justify almost three thousand deaths as pay back for Nagasaki and Hiroshima an act by the way that spared more people by bringing and end to the second world war much earlier than if it had continued. If you can justify and accept that those who committed that horrible act just wanted to kill any one who doesn't believe in Islam, your a sick person and need to leave America.
Your poem seems to have a hidden message that only you may understand. Also you might try removing words that are not needed like BUT
or instead of I am I'm.
Your poem is sad and without redemption. It's path leads to a darkness somehow without hope. It is well written and certainly effects the reader, in a sad way.
Your Poem is poorly written and appears that it has not been proof read. I get the feeling that you don't have a command of the language,
if you don't that's alright, but you might make a point of having someone read your work before you put it out there for all to see.
Your poem is a little on the strange side. your short sentences do show fear. A trick I have for my enemies is to never let them know what
I'm thinking or howmuch they're getting to me. that way I retain the element of surprize.
Chuck
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