Well planned to have the beginning ambiguous regarding who her lunch date is and her age. I totally fell sucker, thought it was a twenty-something on a date. Then the reveal was a shock to the system, had me rereading the beginning for possible clues.
As a womanwho was essentially in this girl's shoes at the same age with my father, you hit all that hopeful yet crushing emotion on the head. Totally made me cry.
Spot on narrative, setting, and character development. Looking forward to delving into more of your work.
This story pulled me right in and took me on a crazy-train ride. It is reminiscent of William S. Burroughs and his narrators as they journey through their drug addictions and mental illness. You kept me off balance and guessing right up until the end. Even with the seriousness of the subject matter there were moments of wit that made me chuckle.
Highly original with great dialogue, setting, and pacing. I can't wait to check out your other postings.
CV
The imagery took me right to sitting in a drafty old office with the rolltop desk and quill. Reminded me of Poe and the creepy atmosphere he spun so well. The bit about the quill being chewed to a nub gives weight to the narrator, and hints at some obsessive or nervous tendencies. The fact that this is written in the account books the day of his demise... That's chill starting. The consistent drawing towards the closet door makes it travel up the spine.
Great poem, I look forward to reading more of your work.
CV
Wow, this chapter was awesome. Lorraine was especially creepy, and the ending was great. I love her just waking in her room, not knowing how she got there, and after that weird dream. Why is Rosie special? How doeas James know Lorraine? Who was the shadow man? What does Shane look like without a shirt? These are all the questions I have.
Yep...hooked, and now waiting patiently for 'the rest of the story'. Your style of writing and wit is exactly what I love to read. Really looking forward to your updates. :D Kudos and keep up the good work and intriguing characters, be they humans, houses, demons, or rodents.
That was a lot of information packed into my first foray with this story. I like the idea of the disk and all the mystery surrounding it at the beginning. You descriptions of the physical environment were nicely done, and the dialogue natural. There are a couple of quirks I am picking up with the way you start sentences. At the beginning they nearly all started with 'he', and then with the addition of characters it was their names. It can become distracting and disrupt the flow. I would also personally like to feel what Rick is feeling, not just be told he's calm, nervous, or frightened. The sweating was good, but what about the other physiological responses to those emotions? Once again, that's my opinion, and I'm sure others would disagree. There are some minor grammar and word choice errors, but nothing major. Nice start to a very imaginative story. :)
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