Hello, I saw this piece on the Read a Newbie link and gave it a read, actually twice, or thrice. You clearly are not a newbie in the world of writing. Frankly, this is not my cup of tea and I don't even know what kind of writing style this is, poem or a story. What I do recognize is how well crafted it is, you are clearly a gifted writer. I am a decent story teller and have some traditionally published work, basic genre stuff. This is a cut above my talent as a 'writer'. I strongly encourage you to post it on the Read and Review or Plug and link and on the Newsfeed. There are some very talented writers here on WDC that can give you some feedback.
Hi PATRICK EDWARDS, I see from your bio that you are facing some personal challenges and I admire you very much for putting your writing out there. I suggest you focus on point of view, who is telling the story, and make it clear, very clear in each scene who the players are in the scene. For example see the bold in your opening for changes and comments.
I shouted, "Ride for the hills!”
We (who is he riding with?)rode at breakneck speed to escape the town that had turned against me. (delete rest)
Why were they after me you might wonder. Well, I killed my on father and now they want to kill me.
How did they know if was me, you say. I was stupid enough to carry his sword wit me.
Italics means internal thoughts of the story teller.
These next bits might be better if they were dialog between your narrator and one of his friends he is writing with.
Fifteen gold pieces to bring my carcass in. This is a large amount of money for most people. Believe you me! People do not need to feed me. If I am dead, they should have the sheriff see me. They do not have to feed me or let me sleep. You see, I could kick up a fuse being taken there. Who wouldn’t do this? You or I. I suspect that we both wish to be alive. Don’t we? You see, I do not wish to be facing the executioner’s axe falling upon my neck. Do you understand my perspective on this matter before I meet him? Do you understand that I am pointing my finger at the person I am addressing to have him or her realize that I have raised this question to him or her? Believe me, being alive was my preference.
Hello, I found your story on read a newbie. From the writing, I can tell that you have been writing for a while. On the positive, you have a lot of action and a lot of characters. On the downside, you have a lot of action and a lot of characters. You also have some vivid imagery. My suggestion is to slow things down just a bit, do you need to say who the vineyard belongs to and whose security crew it is in the first scene. The second scene starts with a better introduction to what Jesse is up to start there and focus on the dialog between him and Zara in the first scene. What do you want the reader to get from the that critical first scene, whats the hook to keep reading this story? Keep writing and keep posting. Compete in some of the WDC site wide story competitions.
Hi cassierobbins, I hope you are enjoying the WDC universe. A great place for writers of any skill level. I came across you on the newsfeed and thought I would review something on your PORTFOILO. Your story Grimore of Black Magic is well written, it seems to be that you have been writing for a while. My strength, if I have any is in the story telling aspect of writing and not as much the mechanics. In terms of storytelling, you do a good job of a first person POV. I offer the following observation if you are looking to improve this well written story. I think, you hit the drum on dont open the book too many times. Maybe alter the way it is stated, the ending was a nice twist but it seemed a bit abrupt and a slightly askew. Why purgatory? Isn't that a fairly specialized place for those who die with certain sins. Maybe have her mother call out from the next room and have a bit of dialog. Anyway good luck on your writing journey. A piece of advice, stick with short stories for a while to really develop your craft. Enter some of the WDC site-wide competitions that give bit GPs, the are competitive and you get good reviews. Keep writing.
Kind of spooky memory when I was 12 or 13. Many decades ago I was in the car after attending Mass with the family. I was reading the printed church bulletin, I think a section about sick parishioners. I don't remember the whole sentence but it described someone as the rapist. I knew what it meant and I quietly freaked out all morning and figured it out later that day. For some reason I stayed quiet about it.
Not sure what you have here, an introduction to a novel or short story? There is a lot of well described action and imagery of the protestor ‘creature’. I will use the word creature.
A few suggestions, comments and observations if you are looking to revise this.
1. More paragraph breaks, for example first break at after simply not budged.
2. Clarify more clearly your references to the protestor and whether there is a point of view for this ‘story’. Who is telling this, a riot cop? Bystander watching the scene play out.
3. Introduce earlier that this is about Rioter Prime and what it is.
4. Have a clearer sequence with the paragraph breaks, a beginning sequence of paragraphs, a middle and end.
A wonderful set of rules, not surprised to find that Max Griffin 🏳️🌈 had a role in their creation. This looks like a wonderful forum, I am not a veteran but have the upmost respect and appreciation for their service.
Well earned, like all transitions in life it can be difficult. As for myself I turned to writing fiction as a way to keep my mind occupied and something to challenge me. We each must find our own path and I wish you the best.
Thoughtful words in what many now see as dark times. Artful turn of phrase, I guess in some ways we have always been stone age people, seeking warmth and shelter, food. Also creating art and stories. Nicely done. Keep writing and posting.
This is a clever storytelling approach. Scene setting and character development often consume a bit of the story. You have effectively set a stark scene and inner dialog along with a disembodied inquisitor for your main character-narrator. My only suggestion is to bring a bit more clarity and emotion in the lead up to the ending. Maybe through some inner dialog or warnings from the voice. Seems like an emotional moment but it felt a bit flat. I enjoyed reading it and thanks for posting it for review.
I like the story as two buddies face down a difficult situation in old fashioned trench warfare. The dialog pretty much tells the story and there isn’t much in the way of explicit scene setting. That’s okay the story doesn’ require it. I also like the realistic nature of the ending and I will not give it away to other readers. One suggestion, there are only two characters with back and forth dialog. I think you can dial back the number of times their names get used. Thanks for sharing a glimpse into the heroes of combat.
Hello JT Baker, I came across this story in the newsfeed. From your profile it looks like you are in the early stages of posting your writing here on WDC. From this story it looks like you have gotten a good start, the flow of story is logical and keeps the reader engaged to see what is going to happen to your character Shawn.
This is a challenging story, because there is only one character, or is there? This makes the dialog, particulary difficult to write to keep the reader engaged. A few suggestions, if you are looking to improve your story.
A new paragraph should start when each character begins to speak, but here you have three voices of a sort. Besides the coach who quickly exits the story.
Shawn when he actually verbablizes aloud. Those should be in quotes. Shawn muttered, "Crap I'm late." Shawn shouted, "Please stop bothering me." For example
Next you have Shawns inner dialog, for your story this is where it is difficult because it kind of breaks into two parts. Typically inner dialog is not in quotes, but in Italics as a thought. So much for my Saturday night. Shawn sighed with exhaustion.
His alter ego, what you calling the voice for most of the story. Maybe you write it more like a character and avoid signaling to the reader exactly what's going on. Is it something in his head only or something other people can't hear?
For example, a rewrite of the first encounter with the voice for you consideration:
"Why do you do this to me?" Shawn muttered quietly.
The gravelly voice answered after a few moments of silence, "I did not choose this. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time."
Shawn looked around to make sure no one was watching. He knew that no one else could hear the voice or see what it was. He didn't want to look like a crazy person talking to himself. He answered, "I didn't say I blamed you."
Then you continue with a dialog between the voice and Shwan leavign the reader curious as to what is going on until it becomes more clear.
An idea any way.
A final observation on mechanics, scene changes. Mark them with
***
then start a new line
For example,
***
The next morning, Shawn woke up . . .
Keep writing, I hope you find some of my suggestions useful. Best regards.
Well it is a story of sorts, a short autobiography. I think you encountered what many, many writers face in the world of publishing. The last and most difficult task of all, marketing. Even for traditional publishing for small publishers the burden mostly falls on the author. Welcome back and post some of your writing.
Hey not my thing Jeff-o'-lantern 🎃 but I saw a reference to this in a posting and decided to take a peek. Incredibly well laid out and professional. Awesome job.
He Amethyst SkellyBones Angel I gave your story a read to see if you went purple. I didn't see that problem with this story, I thought the description of the characters and the settings were pretty balanced. You never really tipped off into a series of sentences filled with long adjectives that kind of freeze the story. Overall, I like how the story started and your dialog kept things moving along well. I lost the continuity of the story a bit with the scene that started. . . I squirmed inside. The change in setting and who was narrating became a bit confusing for me . . . and kind of bumped me out of the flow as I tried to figure it out. Overall, I think it is a good story.
This is an artfully and finely written steam punk piece. The imagery of the characters and the scenes vividly drawn. Kate comes alive as a sentient being. The writing style and language fits the story and the dialog and action keeps it moving along. I was a bit thrown by the ending in the last two paragraphs, unsure of what happened. Maybe that is what you were after.
Hello Baron Ravenloft, I wanted to read one of your stories and scanned through your profile and picked this one. Not sure exactly what drew me to it, but it is quite a jewel. I can see from your portfolio that you taught literature. As a beginning point for my review is clarity, your writing is crystal clear. The mechanics of writing far exceed mine, but that could be the case for a writer of dry and boring writing. That is clearly not the case here.
This story is artfully written and without dialog, a very difficult thing to do successfully. The description of the the scenes, including the sensation of the weather sets the tone. The story gently moves along with the journey of the narrator and Sophia toward a melancholoy yet approprate end with a wonderful twist at the end. This is very different from how I write and so well done.
Recommendations, sorry I have nothing to offer to improve this fine short story.
Hello {v-user}, Sorry it has taken me a while to review this story based on my three item prompt. Half filled coffee cup, leather notebook and gray tabby cat for a political thriller. All three are there is a short story of the correct genre. I like the setting which is clear and the dialog moves the story along. Minor editing point, more white space to break up your paragraphs. A new paragraph for each change of speaker. Besides that my suggestion is make more from this, there seems to be something particularly sinister about these identical characters. Best wishes.
My advice is caution, you never know what lies underneath the surface of someone. Especially in cyber world and you don't want some cyber stalker chasing after you.
If the person seems okay but maybe a bit naive, then maybe try a query. You have any short stories I could read? If you get a good response, you could say a lot of people start that way by getting reviews.
I would stay silent if they are just aggravating you a bit of arrogance.
I stumbled across this story somehow, I can't remember exactly how to be honest. I am a big fan of Johnny Cash's music. This is very well done, a wonderful description of the scene. I have never seen a prompt like this, I like what you have done with it.
I have only one comment. Change the short description so the reader doesn't know what is coming. A song writer finds his muse or some such.
I have been meaning to review your writing, but I have been a bit occupied with some other writing duties. No excuse, I have gotten far behind on giving some reviews here on WDC. It is one of the great things about WDC, useful and honest reviews.
I chose this story because it sounded interesting, I see you did well with it in a contest here on WDC. It's a good story and plot, I like your main character Daisy. You do a good job of starting with some action and getting a description of Daisy right in the beginning. Your dialog throughout is good.
My thoughts on taking your writing to the next level are working on scene setting and credibility of some of the dialog and story.
It's very easy to lose readers, there are lots of ways to lose them, I have mastered all of them myself. Scene setting is one way, which characters are in the scene and generally where are they. Here is an example early in your story where I got lost.
[Need a scene break here. Give the setting before the dialog. Lose the reader a little bit. Who is in the room? Where is the victim? Where is the suspect? Does Daisy already know the victim or his reputation? How?]
"Hope you didn't miss breakfast for this, Daisy. It's a cut-and-dried affair." Detective Lenny Stewart greeted me brusquely. "We caught her with the knife in her hand."
My hardly-full-enough stomach cringed when I saw him. We had been on opposite sides of severe cases more than once. His reputation as a clever guy is overrated. I brushed him aside and turned to my client, sitting on an elegant French sofa. [This would have been better when the wife called.]
[Clear about who is speaking. Why does she just start speaking? ] "I pulled the knife out when I saw - anyone would!" She was still in a frantic state, frazzled blonde hair flying loose about her bony face. I sat beside her and tried to comfort her, noting her clean white nightgown and pale thin arms. I also noticed a shattered lamp and an overturned table.
Turning to credibility, the dialog and actions of characters have to ring true given the circumstances. Here are some examples where I thought it was a bit suspect.
My job was to be on their side no matter what. [That’s not the duty of a defense attorney. Their duty is to zealously defend their clients regardless of what they think of them personally.]
"Call me Daisy. What's your problem?" [First things first. “Who are you and you need to calm down. Just call me Daisy.”]
These are my humble thoughts, I hope it does not seem harsh. I see great potential in your writing. The only times I have improved in my writing is when I have gotten some constructive feedback.
Hello Kittygoyl, I came across this story in Read a Newbie and it sounded interesting. You have a good concept and story idea. The concept of a creation becomes something the inventor did not foresee in the beginning. A difficulty I had with the story is that it is told completely with narration, without any real scene setting and no dialog. That makes it a bit of a dry read. Its all tell and not show. I would suggest breaking out of the monologoue when you introduce Marsden. How your character and Marsden work together. Just an opinion. Keep writing.
Hello Lorelei, I came across this short story in Read a Newbie. It's a pleasant story and you do quite a nice job describing the setting, including smell and sound. If I were to offer any suggestion, a short description of Clara beyond here eyes. Minor point. Nicely done.
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