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151
151
Review by darkskye
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I think you've done a nice job with this. It's short, but sweet. *Smile* I love the idea that you've used to symbolize a rose and you've done a good job in telling the tale.Your grammar is good and there weren't many mistakes, but I'll point out the ones I've found.

*Flower4*Editing:

you have: As she walked she came upon a pebble.
*Right* Comma after walked.

you have: It was the most beautiful pebble that she had ever seen so she picked it up and touched it to her lips and then her heart and finally she laid it back down on the ground.
*Right* I would try rewording it, just because there is three "ands" and it seems to run on a bit.

you have: As she watched him she saw him pull back on a bow string and within seconds an arrow pierced her heart so deep.
*Right* I think there should be a comma after him.

you have: As she fell to the ground the last words to escape her lips were "But - I love you".
*Right* Not positive on this one, but I think there should be a comma after ground.

you have: He knew that he loved her too and that is why he had to kill her.

*Right* I would say that's instead of that is. It jsut makes it flow a little better.

you have:As the blood flowed from her dying body it ran onto one of the beautiful white flowers closest to her heart staining half of it red.
*Right* I think there should be a comma after body.

you have: Then he drew his dagger and ran it into his own heart saying "Now we will always be together".
*Right* I would put a comma after saying.

you have: As he fell to the ground his blood splashed onto the other half of the flower staining it too.
*Right* I would put a comma after ground.

you have: Having heard the story of the two lovers he began cutting at the thick growth until he came upon the red flower.
*Right* I would put a comma after lovers.

you have: Again he cut one and took it to his fair maiden to let her know he had returned.
*Right* Comma after again.

you have: Soon after this became tradition and the one red flower became a single red rose - the symbol for true love.
*Right* comma after "after".

*Thumbsup* Likes:

*Star* As she fell to the ground the last words to escape her lips were "But - I love you".
*Right* I think you catch quite a bit of emotion here, and I like it. *Smile*

*Star* As the blood flowed from her dying body it ran onto one of the beautiful white flowers closest to her heart staining half of it red.
*Right* I think you've got nice iamgery here. I can picture this vividly.

*Star*Soon after this became tradition and the one red flower became a single red rose - the symbol for true love.
*Right* I like this ending. It sums up the story very nicely. Good job!

*Flower3*Dislikes/Suggestions:

*Star* I think you should use spaces between your paragraphs and indent each paragraph. This helps the look and also makes for an easier read.

*Star* There are a few places that seem to run on. I'd read over it and take out some "ands". I've mentioned one but I've also found one or two more that you might be able to re-word.

*Star* You have places where you have nice imagery, but there are other places where you might be able to add some more. Describe the surroundings a bit more when the girl is walking through the garden. Decribe her and this man. This is just my opinion though(I tend to lvoe description). It's totally up to you. *Bigsmile*

*Flower2*Overall:
I think you've got a nice peice here and you tell it well. Good luck with your writing and keep up the good work!
*Star*Write On!!


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152
152
Review by darkskye
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very heart-touching piece. I love how you put a lot of emotion into it and how you expressed yourself through your writing. You've done a really nice job with this. First off, the editing. *Bigsmile*

*Flower2*Editing:

You Have: 6 years ago, we began a journey.
*Right* I would put 6 as six. My English teacher bugged me with this forever and I think I've finally caught on. *Smile* The same goes for all the numbers in your piece.

You Have: It begain with worrying about just a late talking child, and ended with dealing with the maze that is "Autism".
*Right* begain should be began.

You Have: In the beginning, I swore my son, couldn't be autistic, no way.
*Right* I would take out the comma after son.

You Have: a non verbal child, who rocks, or who acts like Dustin Hoffman in "The Rainman".
*Right* I would put a comma after in.

You Have: I have spent the past 6 years, learning so many things.
*Right* I would take out the comma after years.

You Have: Others more of an personal challenge;
*Right* I would put a comma after others and "an" should only be a.

You Have: How I love this little child of mine,
*Right* I would put a period instead of a comma after mine.

You Have: but Cameron has truly shown me how you can still love someone, that you are exasperated with.
*Right* I would take out the comma after someone.

You Have: But they are coming further and further apart as I learn to appreciate the wonderful special person he is.
*Right* I would put a comma after wonderful.

You Have: In a world, where we tend to classify people as round or square, he's an octagon.
*Right* I would take out the comma after world.

*Thumbsup*Likes:

*Star* I definitely like the whole idea of your story. The way you have made it very interesting. Well done! *Smile*

*Star* I love the title and it's actual meaning. It's very nice.

*Star* My favorite sentence would have to be:
"Someone who doesn't see the world through the same lenses as the rest of us, but instead challenges us to see the world through his eyes."
*Right* This is very nice...I love it!!

*Flower3* Dislikes/Suggestions:

*Note1* This is more of a suggestion, but I would say that you should indent. Just makes it look a little nicer. *Smile*

*Note1*....Really there isn't many things I didn't like. Just a few grammar mistakes and it would be near perfect. *Bigsmile* Well done!

*Flower3*Overall:
You've done an excellent job in showing your feelings toward your son and showing how he is different but in a good way. And how you have grown from this journey and come to realize many things, that have no doubt changed your life. Great job and Keep Writing!!

darkskye

153
153
Review of A Promise Kept  
Review by darkskye
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is really nice. You have a lot of emotion and you write it really good in the story. You keep the reader attatched with the emotion that you show. Good job! A few suggestions would be to space between paragraphs. This helps when reading it and makes it look better. Also I would indent at each new paragraph. I found a few grammar errors:

You have:As I walked I remembered all the fun we use to have.

should be: As I walked, I remembered all the fun we use to have.
(there should be a comma after walk)

You Have:I some times heard mom and him yelling, then I would hear the door slam and mommy crying.
( there shouldn't be a space between some and time, it should be sometime)

Should be:I sometimes heard mom and him yelling, then I would hear the door slam and mommy crying.

You Have: I told her there where two men in uniforms that needed to talk to her.
(it should be were instead of where)

Should be: I told her there were two men in uniforms that needed to talk to her.

You Have: Mommy walked into the room, looked at my friend and she started crying.
(I would take out the "she" in this)

Should Be: Mommy walked into the room, looked at my friend and started crying.

You Have: When I looked at him again he looked tired, mommy asked me to wait out side so she could talk to him.
(I would put a period after tired. Then a capital on mommy. Also, I would make out and side one word)

Should Be: When I looked at him again he looked tired. Mommy asked me to wait outside so she could talk to him.

You Have: Mom came out a few minutes later and as we were leaving I asked he if he was asleep now and if we could come back and see him when he got up.
(I think he meant to be her)

Should Be: Mom came out a few minutes later and as we were leaving I asked her if he was asleep now and if we could come back and see him when he got up.

You Have: She had tears in her eyes as shook her head no and told me that he would never wake up again.
(I think you forgot the word "she" in between as and shook)

Should Be: She had tears in her eyes as she shook her head no and told me that he would never wake up again.

You Have: She said, “ I know baby, but he is still with us even though we can see him.
( There shouldn't be a space between the quotation marks and "I". Also, I think you mean't to say can't after we) This is kind of hard to explain :) But this is what it should like like.

Should Be:She said, “I know baby, but he is still with us even though we can't see him.

You Have: He will always be watching over us with Jesus up in heaven”.
(The quatation marks should be after the period at the end.)

Should Be: He will always be watching over us with Jesus up in heaven."

You Have: As I grow up I understood better, what mommy was trying to tell me back then.
(grow should be grew)

You Have: As I talked my husband came up behind me and smiled.
(there should be a comma after talked.)

You Have: then got up and introduce my new baby boy named after my friend to my friend, who had also been my father.
(introduce should be introduced)

You Have: As we were turning to leave I thought I hear my father say
( I think you meant heard instead of hear)
Overall nicely done!
darkskye






















154
154
Review of A letter  
Review by darkskye
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower2* This is definitely an emotional peice with a lot of thought put into it. And I like it! It's confusing in ways and deep but the things in it make a person wonder and keep the reader attatched to it. Nice job! I have a few suggestions and I've also found a few grammar mistakes that are usually hard to miss.

*Note1* Grammar Mistakes:

You Have: I wake with all the morning about me in cool sunlight’s praise of the unworthy.
***This doesn't sound right to me. I don't know for sure but I think it's missing a word somewhere in it. I can't really think of anything that would make it sound right. Maybe you can though. :)

You Have: In fact, I do not know whether this rain has come at the right time, or the exact wrong.
(This is jsut small but I think it might sound better if do not was changed to don't.)

You Have: Whether it be the clichéd harbinger of my doom or the inspiratory work of some higher power, I must doubt that it is anything but the word of my lord: the word of my own self.
(Again, this is something small but I would change it is to it's. I would do this to all the "it is" in your story. :)

You Have: And in this place there is nothing but me.
(I would take out the And.)

*Flower4* There really isn't much grammar mistakes. There were a few places that I wasn't sure whether they needed commas or not so I didn't want to put any in case they were wrong :S.
*Flower5* One more suggestions would be to break up your story into paragraphs and indent them. This helps when the reader is reading the story and it simply looks better too when it's in smaller pieces rather than in one big chunk. Overall though, you've done a really nice job with this. Keep up the great work!
Write On!
darkskye










155
155
Review of Lost Forever  
Review by darkskye
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I think this is a very emotional story with a lot of potential. I was wondering, I know the last part can't be true because you wouldn't be writing it right now, but is the car crash real or something you made up because for something that you might have made up, it definitly has a lot of feeling and a sadness to it.

*Note1*Some Suggestions:
*Flower2*I think you told it pretty good, but you could always go into more description and go even deeper into the person's thoughts and feelings.
*Flower3*Also, the ending seemed so sudden and is it really the way you want to end it. I mean, it's just so sad. But, that's entirely up to you. *Smile*
*Flower2* Try reading it out loud to yourself once you've finished. This always helps in finding errors.

*Note1* Grammar Mistakes:
*Right* There was just a few spelling mistakes and grammar errors.

You Have: I woke up in the hospital and I saw my sister Mackena sitting next to my bed, and then I remembered, I remembered the car crash,
*Flower4* There should be a period at the end instead of a comma.

You Have: Mackena said "Oh! Anna, your awake!"
*Flower3* your should be you're

You Have: I however immediatly started to scream.
*Flower2* There should be a comma after I.

You Have: While she was gone I had a flash back of the crash - I was driving, and mom was sitting next to me in the passangers sitting gently encouraging me
*Flower3* This doesn't seem to make sense.

You Have: When suddenly she yelled "Anna! Brake!" and than it all went black.
*Flower2* There should be a comma after yelled and than should be spelled then.

You Have: Thats when Mackena told me "We lost her Anna, we lost her forever."
*Flower3* There should be a comma after me.

You Have: Two weeks later, I was released from the hospital, Mackena came into the hospital room her long, blonde hair still messy and her grey eyes frantic.
*Flower2* There should be a period instead of a comma between hosplital and Mackena. Also, there should be a comma after room.

You Have: She said "Anna, the police still haven't found dad, we'll have to go stay with Grandma."
*Flower4* There should be a comma after said. Also, I think haven't should be spelled havn't.

You Have: Our grandma was one of my favourite people and we hadn't seen our dad in 12 years so I didn't really care all that much.
*Flower5* There should be a comma between years and so.

You Have: The truth is I didn't really care all that much about anyting.
*Flower6* There should be a comma after is. Also, anyting should be spelled anything.

You Have: Our aunt was a marine biologist, so every day that horrible women made me go with her and watch the stupid dolphins, swim around.
*Flower4* There should be no comma after dolphins.

*Note1*Overall: You have a really nice if not emotional story that could be developed even more. You've definitely made me feel what this character is going through and I think if you elaborated even more on the character's feelings and emotions, then it will make this story even better. Great work! Keep Writing!! *Smile*
darkskye
















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