There is nothing wrong with this first chapter as far as it not having enough action. What it does is build from slow to fast at the end so that it ends on a very suspenseful note that makes the reader want to move on. It is descriptive but the length of prose between the beginning of the chapter and the end is not that much because the chapter is not that long.
I think for a rough draft it has the potential to work into a good book. If you are not sure about the plot, try making an outline and then revising that outline enough times until you get a rough idea of where you're going with the book. But when you are writing it still leave yourself plenty of flexibility to change it anyway you want. You need to keep the creative juices flowing.
The description is very good. Also, I really like her character. You describe her very well through describing her mood. It really tells us a lot about who she is and provides a tool to give us some set up. That is a form of action in itself. It is not like you just said "The floor is brown. The chair is grey. The walls are clean." You know what I mean? This really is good for a first draft.
I found a couple of flaws listed below but this is a great start to the story. I really thought he was going to save the lives of all the children. Having all but Andrew May die shows that this story has a bit of realism (which a fantasy doesn't necessarily have to have but also can make for a very good book) and shows that although Jamie has superpowers he is still limited in his ability to use them by being a human being and also a child. Excellent way to approach a fantasy. I really like this book. I have about 10 other books I am reviewing right now and I come back and do a little of each at a time over time but I will be back and read more in the future. I've put more up on Troll Bait by the way. Part II is coming out really well. If you are interested I can give you a synopsis up to Part II and you can try it from there. Or if not, that's fine.
Dave
One day though, that changed. My life took a U-turn, I went from being, zero, to hero. -> just have it change; don't say it will. Action novels read much better told in chronological order. It keeps it more dynamic and keeps the suspense from being deflated ahead of time.
It took me five whole minutes to gather enough energy to will myself forward, will myself onward, through the dark enclosed space that was the air vent.-> how could he take time to rest in that kind of situation? (diminishes the tension of the scene and makes it seem like the whole fire and the lives at stake are no big deal).
This is awesome. A great first chapter. I really find stories (books) written in the first person to be better and also easier to read. I couldn't find any errors in it and technically it is flawless. It sets up the story by displaying how the boy is different and how it make him feel. Your characters, especially the boy, are very well developed even at this stage of the story. You use first person very well to let the reader know what he feels. The complication of having him not sure of what he feels about having these special gifts is also great.
The only thing I question about this chapter is if it would not work better as a prologue instead of a Chapter 1. It doesn't really introduce the reader as to what is going to happen in the book related to the beginning of the plot. Although it is interesting and makes me want to read further, chapter 1 should start with action or dialogue or some kind of stimulus that hooks the reader right away and gives him that irresistable desire to read on. Here you've got the background for a good novel but no start for it. I wouldn't change a thing with it but I'd consider making it a prologue instead of a chapter 1.
This kind of leaves you wondering what is there left to possibly happen if the only two good characters in the book are killed off. Unless the elf somehow comes back to life it seems as if you would almost have to start a whole new book in chapter 2.
I love books with this kind of environment. You did a very good job of describing a hell-like existence. I'd like to know exactly what a goblin looks like as I've never really been sure. I have this vision of these black beetlelike things on two legs and I'm sure that's not right.
I can tell you too are a guy. Wonder how I can tell - hahaha? Like maybe all the violence and gore wouldn't give me clue?
Good job. Just can't figure out where you're going to go with it.
This is interesting. More like sci-fi fantasy than comedy though. Total change of pace. What was going to happen to the Little People after they left? Could the insects get them even though they were in their rock?
I didn't like the way the Little People talked. It was too hard to understand what they were saying. I think you can use slang and a different dialect but make it a little easier to follow.
I don't give hardly any 5.0s but this is great Sashi. This chapter adds a huge sampling of creative fun to it. I really liked the part about landing on the spaceship and ending up in the wrong place. That was a good idea.
Anyway, I really do love it so far and am not just saying it.
Danny's mouth dropped open as he stared at the apparition before him. Never a large woman in life, Grandma appeared a mere shadow of her former self. She had on baggy spandex pants, tucked into calf-high moccasins, and a long sweatshirt emblazoned with 'Gran-Angels have more Flyer Miles.' Her long, grey hair was plaited into braids on either side of her head and across her forehead was a bright red, beaded headband. She glared at him through granny glasses made of gold. Giving his head a shake, Danny descended to the ground.:
Oh this is so great. Just what I really, really needed. Light reading that really is funny from paragraph to paragraph.
Do you know Sashi comedy is the hardest type of literature to write? There are fewer good comedy writers than anything else.
Plus, what I like about this, other than a few choice words here and there (wink-wink-wink), it is clean humor while still being very funny. The paragraphs are short and that makes for pretty quick and easy reading, which is the most appropriate style for comedy.
Great job.
You are on my favorites list. Can't wait to read more.
Very cool. I like how the chapter is broken up into different sections told from different points of views in the chapter. Since this is 4 chapters tied together I wonder if there is a way to have each chapter end on a cliffhanger type ending leading to the next chapter.
I really like this whole series. I don't know why I haven't been keeping up with it. It is very well written and very creative and you have an excellent story going. I guess I never really paid attention to how much I enjoyed Salient before.
“Your entire frame has been subjected to severe stress and it needs time to heal. -> awkward sentence
Again change the it's a bird, it's a plane. Cliches.
Otherwise an excellent poem. Very good theme and very well written. Provides mood very effectively.
This is a major milestone for your writing Spencer. You've moved beyond the technical to moving people emotionally. In the long run it doesn't matter how good you are technically, writing is about people and their emotions and getting your readers sucked into living those moods and emotions vicariously through the characters.
I think was really great Spencer. The only thing I'd suggest is trying to replace shooting star, sandcastle and setting sun with other less stereotypical lesser-known more original analogies. In other words, instead of sandcastle maybe say an anthill collapsing under its own weight or some such other dumb idea you can think of. My example is terrible but if you thought really hard you could probably come up with some good ideas for it.
This is much better. Not as many attempts at humor and more solid writing. The description of the food and the process of eating was very effective here.
I am fasting right now for a lab test (still have 7 1/2 hours to go before I can eat or drink anything besides black coffee or water) and this piece was sheer torture to read - lol. So I guess you did your job pretty well.
Your humor comes across better through the description of the events in your story than the attempts you make in your narrative. Farting and burping are pretty funny subjects - lol. Compare the way you described them here with the way it would have been if you just let your narrator say you burped and farted. Can you see how much better you did it in this piece than the last one?
Congratulations on the improvement and this was a good piece. Writing humor is probably the hardest genre to write and there are fewer good humor writers than writers in any other genre. So give yourself a pat on the back for doing reasonably well at it.
You really capture a mood of loneliness and of feeling lost. This sounds like almost child abuse. Total neglect as well as rejection.
The feelings expressed here are extremely powerful and described with examples and description rather than just stated. The writing is effective at what seems to be the author putting out what they desire to express.
Actually, I'd give it about a 4.75. The quality of writing here is very good. Things like the way you incorporate the description into the action and the dialogue, and the way you keep to a strict point of view without dipping into "tell but not show" or switching to a third person narrative voice in the middle of the piece are good advanced techniques.
But what I really like about it is the slow gradual way it builds and the realism included. Young teens in that sort of situation find it very awkward - hey, even old farts like me find that kind of situation very awkward - you treated it with kid gloves which is exactly the kind of sensitivity that kind of situation needs in a romantic piece.
If I was to suggest anything to make it better, I'd suggest working on the ending. The piece could use an anticlimax. In other words, I think you have spent the whole piece building up to a moment and then you end it there when you get to that point. I think you should build to that moment and then give one or a few paragraphs afterwards to wind it down with something that is meaningful, reflective, wise, or even subtly profound. Is this helping at all or making any sense?
Awesome Spencer. This should arouse some interest from people, believe me. I thought it was going to be another super patriot war hero story of an injured soldier but this poem reaches beyond the superficial level of all the war hype and reaches into the man inside the military uniform.
Great job Spencer. I don't know why people haven't wanted to read your stuff (never got back to you) except I would suspect it is your subject matter like I brought up once before. Unless someone is a buff for reading military stories I'm not sure how many people are interested in them. Military stories have their own narrow specialized audience just like "troll" stories do if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to tell you about that. If you ever try to sell Bravo Days I think you should package it with cover letter and all that as a novel specifically written for the military story reader. I wouldn't aim for the general audience because unless you can do something really unique or different it may have a hard time catching on with the general public.
That is my conjecture but I may be totally wrong. I may not have any idea what I am talking about. I am in the same boat because although a lot of people like fantasy, a lot of them lose interest when they learn my main character is a troll.
Usefulness as a resource: (best of 10) – 10 – In general what we all want and need to do for both our fiction and non-fiction writing on this site and for writers in general. Excellent idea and fantastic method used to attain the goal of educating the reader on how to get published.
Accuracy of content: (best of 10) – 8 – Have to believe these authors know what they are talking about as they are relating their own experiences rather than stating information as general facts. Only problem comes from the fact that often these authors disagree leading one to conclusion that article does not draw satisfactory conclusions as to many of the questions it brings up.
Depth of detail: (best of 10) – 6 – Too long by far. Way too much detail. Would be much improved if author had edited answers to questions to coordinate into more meaningful results with greater ease of reading and more coherency.
Level of writing: (best of 10) -- 3 – Poor readability due to format of submission. Would be much better served if results tabulated and organized into a more readable form.
Creativity and uniqueness: ( best of 10) -- 10 – Who would have ever thought of a survey for a contest like this? Touche! Choice of topics, as stated, probably of as high of interest as any on the site and this is probably as effective and instructional of a method to determine answers to the kinds of questions raised in this survey as realistically conceivable.
Total points: 37 out of 50
I loved the whole concept behind this. A whole lot of work went into this and a lot of effort was put into it to create this work. The method of providing the information the author provides was something I would have never expected in a good sense. The information provided is what every not-yet-published writer; fiction and non-fiction wants to know. This approach is probably the most accurate possible way of answering the questions raised in this survey.
My only complaint was it was too long and wasn’t edited for easier readability and to delete the fluff that holds no relevance.
Overall, great job. Can’t say enough about this piece.
Usefulness as a resource: (best of 10) -- 9 – Very useful information for non-fiction writing. Very good tips that any non-fiction article writer could use to make their writing better.
Accuracy of content: (best of 10) : 8 – Seems very well researched and like author is very knowledgeable about this subject – magazine or periodical article writing.
Depth of detail: (best of 10) : 9 – As it is organized in the form of tips rather than as an overall outline of article writing from A to Z it loses a little bit for this category. However, it covers a lot of different areas dealing with the subject in a very intelligent ordering and it gets good grades for that.
Level of writing: (best of 10) : 4 – The level of the prose was somewhat stilted. Looking for a little smoother and easier flowing style of writing even if this is a non-fiction piece of work. Author writes similarly to a doctor or lawyer.
Creativity and uniqueness: ( best of 10): 5 – Nothing unique about choice of topic. However, the organization and choice of tips offered do have enough individual flavor to at least give it an average grade in this department.
Total Points: 35 out of 50 possible.
The author strikes me as an expert on the subject of writing magazine and periodical articles. He used his experience in the field to compose this article at a level similar to that he describes in the article.
The tips he offers in this article are very relevant and helpful to the non-fiction writer. They would certainly help one get ahead in this most competitive market. Excellent input from an insider in the field.
I like this a lot. Fitting in very well with the previous section. Writing it in section form with different sections for each scene is very effective.
This chapter seems kind of like a departure to a good old sci-fi space opera from your previous chapters which seemed to involve characterization more. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. It does not have the human feel of the original chapters with the woman (can't remember her name now) who connects to the AI telepathically. Maybe that will be developed in the second and third segments of this. The characters that do exist, Garrett and Andrei are hard to work up a lot of liking for.
Overall, though, I really like this chapter. It is very action-packed and entertaining and seemingly accurately descriptive from a science fiction point of view. From what a sci-fi reader would want as far as a good old space battle and having the element of an alien spacecraft with a mystery race aboard it it is very well done.
I was confused as to whether the commander outranks the captain or the other way around. To me, in the navy I thought commanders outranked captains but here it seems like the other way around.
“You’ve got on the magnitude of minutes here not hours.”->awkward
Excellent. Very effective surreal effect. Very powerful and gripping. Reminds me of Stephen King's book about the cemetary where those buried can come back to life as living corpses. Only this is different from that so that it is unique which is important.
Good job. I couldn't find anything to ding it for so I gave it a 5.0.
You can write Cindy. You provide great detail and that is very important; a real gift. I'd suggest just breaking those long sentences into 2 or 3 short direct sentences each and then seeing how it reads.
That would be where I'd suggest starting anyway.
Did I say something wrong to you that made you not want to review the rest of my book? I sure hope I didn't offend you or hurt your feelings in any way. Did you not like the merit badge ?
Anyway, if you want to be a writer than keep working at it because I think you definitely have talent for it .
Incredibly complex and well-thought out plot. As good of science fiction as I read off the book racks honestly. Your really getting into some major heavy SciFi here. The whole thing about JD Droomers being either a computer or a man or a corporation confused me though. Still one of the best sci-fi/s I've read this year:
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Has one problem though:
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The weak part by far is the dialogue. It is forced and unnatural - not the way people really speak.
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Also,
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What do want?”
“Get back my fisher and we’ll call it even.”
Laughing Fazzle turned to leave- which got the desired results.
----------------------------------------------------
Unclear who is getting Zeffa?
I don't know if you want a real review of this or not but I'll give my impressions anyway. It was perfect until the conclusion.
When you got to the conclusion, instead of having the action happen as it happened chronologically which to me would have been much more exciting you told it after the fact. This took all the excitement out of it. Just like writing sentences in the past tense takes the sting out of a sentence, I think the same is true for a chapter, short story or book.
I couldn't find anything really wrong with this story. It was very well written, very creative, and very different. I liked the use of the first person with the very casual monologue style of telling the story. The description was very good too.
I just thought the plot was a little strange. I didn't really get where you got the idea for replacing the wicked stepmother with a gingerbread man. I liked the idea of having the father follow his other set of rocks to find them and kill the gingerbread man.
I think you should improve the part where the father shows up and kills the gingerbread man busting down the axe and throwing it at the gingerbread man in the nick of time. It is kind of blah in my book for the conclusion. It would be easy for you to come up with something more creative and exciting for the conclusion because it's obvious you are an extremely creative writer. I have to go back and do this all the time on my stories, so please take this as me trying to help you the way I'd want you to help me.
Proofreading help:
I had wore the pants that I had collected rocks in -> worn
When we woke up the next morning, we saw that our parents were gone, leaving only the tent for us, but, we thought that they had just went somewhere for the day without us. -> 2 sentences
Being very good children, both Gretel and I didn’t dare try to break off any part of the house or destroy any part of it since, it was so visually intriguing. -> remove the last comma
and life sized Gingerbread Man come out of the house -> no and
out of the lawnmower bag came out little puffs of flour -> little puffs of flour came out of the lawnmower bag
Finally we gathered our courage and convinced ourselves that it was fine to join him for a little lunch before we went back to our step mother and father -> Finally,
and that she would never do that again -> and said that
Very good. The detail was excellent. The plot was good too. I wasn't sure who would win the fight, Sergei or Jamie. I figured one would kill the other, but was unsure of which one.
The quieter, less active parts of the story seem to be written a little better. You might want to try to fix up the conflict parts just a little better. It needs very little, and you could get by one what you have, but I noticed it was not as clean as the beginning and end of the story so I know you have the ability to make it so.
One technical note: Ants have exoskeletons making them different from mammals and other reasons with endoskeletons. For this reason they can carry as much as 60 times their weight on their backs. A crumb of food would not crush and kill them. That's why you see them carrying around all kinds of things as large or larger than their bodies. A minor thing and easy to fix.
The description was really great. The details as the story progressed from beginning to the end of the chapter would be hard to improve on. You might try to describe the fight a little better but it is obvious the act of filling in the scene as the chapter progresses so that the reader can picture the world your characters live in is your strong point.
On the other hand, you really need to work very hard at learning how to improve your dialog. It does not sound at all natural and like how people really speak. Dialog is one of the primary ways the reader gets to know a character and if the dialog is not clear or is awkward, the reader can not come to know the character. Also, it breaks up the continuity of the story so that it is hard to read it without having to start and stop psychologically as you go. Aim so that you can read the dialog out loud and it sounds like two people holding a real conversation.
So you've got an A+ in my book on description and about a C for dialog.
The plot is very interesting and the editing very good. I only noticed one proofreading mistake and listed it below just in case you missed it. One idea you might consider is adding a little of the unknown to it by not having the voices identify themselves and not having them reveal as much about what is going on. Making it more mysterious might add to it as far as piquing the reader's interest about the book as a whole. But I liked the end of the chapter because I thought it was really effective in making me want to read on to the next chapter.
So, other than the dialog I thought this is excellent overall. I would want to read on and see how it keeps going. Congratulations on your progress so far. You are a very good writer.
Adroitly sidestepping-> Adroitly sidestepping the beast?
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