Hello,
It has been a pleasure to read your work. Please accept the following review in the spirit of helpfulness in which it was written. All of the ideas herein are only suggestions that you can use or discard as you see fit.
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Beginning: The beginning of your story appealed to the reader’s emotions. It was a nice start and gave the reader a good basis on which to build the rest of the story. The emotions were expressed but not overwhelmingly done, which was perfectly in tone with the demeanor of the rest of the story. Good job with the beginning.
Middle: The middle of your story was also well done. You gave emough background information for the reader to have a little more insight into the tough life Julia’s mother had, the loss of the three children, the death of her husband, having to run the ranch, etc. You build respect and admiration for her in the reader’s mind akin to the respect and love Julia expressed for her mother and desires to convey in the obituary she is writing.
Later, when Julia opens her mother’s secret keepsake box, the tone of the story slowly changes as the truth of matters come to the fore. Julia learns a lot about her mother’s attitudes, how the strengths people respected her for were really stubborn resentments, and how, even though Julia was the only surviving child, she would never been good enough to equal her deceased brother, Jimmy Junior. Other revealing truths come out that shock the reader, yet Julia shows no apparent reaction. I will bring these things up in the technical review as well. Overall, the middle of the story is good, holds the reader’s attention, and makes us wonder what will happen in the end as all of Julia’s mother’s secrets are unveiled.
Ending: I really liked the ending. You never really told the reader everything in detail, but all of the puzzle pieces are there and can be put together. In the end, it seems that all of the secret revelations Julia found among her mother’s possessions let to the realization that her mother was not nearly the great woman she and so many others had thought her to be and she ended taking what she could get, shutting down emotionally, and turning her back on her mother’s memory just as her mother had done to her while alive. The conclusion leaves many questions in the reader’s mind that go unanswered, giving room for additional chapters later if desired, or allowing the reader to come to his own conclusions.
As a whole, the story has some good character development, an easy to visualize setting, a clearly defined plot, and an understated vein of emotion that almost too quietly climaxes and fades out for the ending. We’ll talk about that later in the technical review. 
 TECHNICAL REVIEW
Julia sat down at the little desk in her room to write her Mother’s obituary.
You don’t need “down”. It makes the passage wordy.
…and note a life almost…
Replacing “note” with “summarize” would better describe Julia’s efforts in the writing of the obituary. It would also give the reader a better feeling of what Julia was trying so hard to accomplish.
…from the Diamond Deuce where Julia…
Your reader has no idea what the Diamond Deuce is. I grew up out west, but the first thing I thought of was a casino, and I couldn’t imagine anyone growing up in a casino. You could clarify this immensely for the reader by placing a comma after “Deuce” and then adding “the ranch”.
Julia sat, still not satisfied though all of the important facts were there.
This sentence would be smoother for the reader if the thought pattern was reversed:
All of the important facts were present, yet Julia was still dissatisfied.
…She knew that her Mother and Father had…
You say “Mother” a lot throughout your story, and it is understandable that you must since the story is basically about Julia and her relationship with her mother. Here, however, you could trim down and use “parents” so that there isn’t quite as much repetition.
…the twins taken by diphtheria…
You could add a little more motherly attachment here by saying “beautiful twins” or “her precious twins”. This would draw the reader closer to Julia’s mother, making the end of the story that much more shocking.
…the loss of Jimmy Junior…
Here again, you could add more emotional attachment. The word “heartbreaking” would be perfect, as would “devastating” or “unfathomable”.
…after all it was her best effort…
Instead of “after all”, you might say “to this point” or “up till now” since you speak in the next paragraph of Julia’s looking through her mother’s keepsake chest in search of more ideas to better the obituary article, hence indicating that she planned to continue working on it while time allowed.
…had to be done before…
“Written” could replace “done” and give the reader a better impression of what it was that needed to be done.
…the newspaper deadline at 5 o’clock.
Reversing the order would make it a smoother read:
…the newspaper’s 5 o’clock deadline.
Perhaps something in her Mother’s keepsake chest might provide…
In this sentence, “something in” would sound a little more “in period” as “the contents of”. Also, even though “might” is grammatically correct, so is “would”, and “would” would be smoother and less distracting to the reader, who may go back and reread since something just doesn’t sound right with “might”. Those who are readers only may not be bothered by it, but other writers who are used to editing their work could be put off by it, thus ruining the flow of your story, which is good to this point.
…whatever it was that was missing in the obituary…
Here, “whatever” could simply be “what” . Later, “it was that” could be replaced with “she felt”. You said before that all of the information was in the obituary, so what was missing was something she felt was missing. Additionally, if something was missing, it would be missing from the obituary, not in it.
…something that would sooth her own feelings…
“That would” can be reduced to “to”.
Increase the emotion of this passage by replacing “own” with “raw”.
Perhaps the contents of her mother’s keepsake chest would provide what she felt was missing from the obituary, something to sooth her raw feelings of being suddenly lost and alone.
She found the little key in her Mother’s purse, and opened the lid to her Mother’s private world. The little cedar box contained only her Mother’s diary and a small collection of souvenirs and trinkets and who’s meaning died with their owner.
Using words ending in “-ing” give the reader the feeling that the story is taking place in front of them or that they are involved. This passage is also wordy and could be reduced to give the reader a smoother reading experience. This could be accomplished by combining the information presented in the two sentences, removing the redundancies, and creating two new sentences.
Taking the little key from her Mother’s purse she opened the lid of a small cedar box, her Mother’s private world. Nestled inside she found a diary and a small collection of souvenirs and trinkets whose meaning had died with their owner.
There weren’t many entries in her Mother’s diary, and most were very short. Julia flipped quickly through them, but found little of interest until the year 1879.
“Today James left with the cattle for Kansas, leaving me with no one to help run this miserable little ranch except Mr. Brown and Rubio. Both are feeble and wouldn’t do anything except play checkers if I didn’t push them off to work. Julia is a help and comfort, but oh how I wish Jimmy Junior were here.”
“Were” here is grammatically incorrect. It should be “was”.
…help out while her husband was away.
This phrase is a little awkward. The daughter is reading the diary of her mother and most of the time the narrator is seeing things from the daughter’s point of view. Here the voice changes, referring to this person from the mother’s point of view. You could solve the issue by referring to him as James, as he is referred to in the diary entry, or as Jimmy Senior to match the name of the brother.
Julia’s breath caught in her throat as she remembered him riding in on a great chestnut gelding. Tall in the saddle, and wearing a suit of soft leather studded with silver conchos.
These two sentences could be combined very simply:
Julia’s breath caught in her throat as she remembered him riding in on a great chestnut gelding; tall in the saddle, and wearing a suit of soft leather studded with silver conchos.
Ramon, he was so different…
He’s a peacock and probably will bear watching.”
Then a week later, “I’ve…
Here, the comma would be perfect for dialogue, but since this is an entry of text, a colon would be better.
…has an impertinence about him.
This phrase would be grammatically correct if changed to “an impertinent air”.
…Ramon joined Julia and…
“Her” would be better here since you already used her name in the previous sentence.
…beauty of nature’s unfolding colors.
I love this phrase. It’s soft and soothing and perfectly describes the process of the sunset.
They were careful to not to leave or return from their walks together. Their evening walks weren’t exactly secret, but they were something that the young people were reluctant to share.
These two sentences are good but they would fit together better if they were reversed. That way the reader would know the reason they didn’t want to leave and return together when you tell them that fact, enabling them to continue reading instead of breaking the flow to wonder about it.
Ramon gave her a bracelet woven from the mane of his horse, and Julia had returned…
You could replace the comma with a semi-colon and delete “and” and “had” for a smoother flow.
In this sentence you say Julia gave Ramon a brooch. In the next sentence, it’s a broach. Either is correctly spelled but once you pick one, stick with it.
…swore that he would never part with it.
Julia had never forgotten that day.
Making these changes will help reduce the wordiness of this sentence.
She watched Ramon swing up into…
Since this is Julia’s memory of the past, “she had” or even better, “she’d” would make for a smoother reading. You don’t need “up”.
Ramon rode away without looking back, never to return.
“Never to return” sounds cliché. It also gives away the rest of the paragraph. You could add the first portion of this sentence in the middle of the previous sentence:
She’d watched Ramon swing into his saddle; he rode away without looking back, her broach winking in the morning sunlight.
The time came and went when the work on the fences should have been completed, but Ramon didn’t come back.
This sentence is wordy. A few changes would make a big difference:
The time had come and gone for work on the fences to be completed but Ramon never returned.
Afraid that Ramon had lost his mount, or had some accident a search was begun. Rubio and Mr. Brown spent three days searching for him, but nothing was found. Word was sent to neighbors to keep a watch, but nothing was ever heard.
These two sentences are wordy and some of the information seems repetitive. It is also rather unemotional. You’ve described the relationship between Ramon and Julia beautifully; surely she would have had some emotion in remembering the day he left and the day Rubio and Mr. Brown returned from their fruitless searching. A few changes could make this passage smoother and add a bit of emotional impact for the reader:
Rubio and Mr. Brown feared he had lost his mount or met with an accident so a search was begun; three days of searching yielded no clues. Neighbors were alerted to keep on the watch, but Ramon was never seen nor heard from again.
Her Mother seemed unsurprised. “He’s just gone back to chasing those senoritas”, she had said, “I wonder when your Father will return?”
First, it would help the reader get more sense out of both sections of this paragraph if you separated it into two paragraphs; the portion about the search for Ramon in the first paragraph and the dialogue of the mother regarding Ramon’s supposed actions and concern for her husband in the second.
This section could stand for a little more emotional import to build the characters a little stronger. The mother was unsurprised, but also unconcerned, and we will find out why later on. She also seems to have had a dual personality going on here. Knowing what had happened to Ramon, she could callously make the flippant remark to her daughter that he’d gone chasing after other girls while, in the same breath, worry over the welfare and delayed return of her husband. It’s almost like the death of her husband was payback for the cruel deed she carried out, not only upon Ramon, but Julia as well.
Her Mother seemed unsurprised and unconcerned. “He’s just gone back to chasing those senoritas,” she flippantly replied, coldly dismissing Julia’s heartache. “I wonder when your Father will return,” she added, focusing on her own worries.
…lost in memories, and cast back…
…to the day that Ramon rode out of her life.
This section is wordy and repeats information you’ve already told us. You could remove all of the crossed out section and replace “the” with “that”.
Later that day her Mother had taken the buggy into town for supplies. She had been gone four days, leaving Julia in the care of Mr. Brown and Rubio.
This section is also wordy. The information in these two sentences could be slightly rearranged to reduce that:
After Ramon’s departure her Mother took the wagon to town for supplies, leaving her in the care of the ranch hands for four days.
There hadn’t been any real danger…
The underlined phrase could be clarified by changing it to “had been no”.
…provided by Mr. Winchester.
Since “Mr. Winchester” appears to be the nickname given to the gun that accompanied Julia’s mother to town, the name should be enclosed with at least single quotation marks. Otherwise it seems to the reader that you are introducing a character they’ve been told nothing about.
Did we really need supplies just at that time, Julia wondered?
If you put Julia’s thoughts in italics they will stand out from the narrative.
…she began to sorting through…
Making the noted change would keep the action ongoing.
…an antique pearl brooch.
AN antique pearl brooch or THE antique pearl brooch or HER antique pearl brooch? The distinction between “an” and “the” would really make the reader stop and think. The clarification between “the” and ”her” would multiply the power of the statement hundredfold! It would really startle the reader and drive home the impact of what Julia was feeling when she came across the brooch. It would give rise to all of the questions and terrible thoughts that Julia would have thought, putting the reader into the story instead of just allowing them to peek through the window, so to speak.
Julia sat now across from the young man who handled the family’s affairs. “How can I help you today, Miss Julia?”
There’s a gap in the story at this point. Julia found the brooch and is now in the office of the man that handles her family’s affairs? How did she get there? Why did she go there? What did she do with the brooch? If this was a longer story and one chapter ended with her discovery of the brooch among her mother’s possessions and the next began with her sitting in the man’s office, that would be fine. However, this is a short story that is nearing its conclusion. A jump like this abruptly stops the flow you’ve so carefully created to this point. It’s like putting a dam across a river…everything stops and the whole landscape of the story is changed into something different. So close to the end, it is off putting to the reader.
A little bit of information and a tiny bit of rearranging is all that is needed to bridge the gap instead of damming the river. First, you need an occupation for the young man in charge of Julia’s affairs. Later you tell us the man was a banker, but you could tell us sooner. At the end of the previous paragraph you could clue the readers in on Julia’s reaction to finding the brooch. Was she horrified? Shocked? Did she drop it back into the box with the other memorabilia of her mother’s life or did she keep it as a memento of Ramon? This information along with a brief detail of how she ended up at the young man’s office would be put into a new paragraph and inserted before the conversation at the office occurs.
There, amongst the trinkets and old buttons, lay her antique pearl brooch.
Horrified, Julia picked up the brooch and examined it carefully. It was indeed the very brooch she had given Ramon. As so many details fell into place Julia was struck by the realization that her Mother was not the woman everyone thought she was. She slipped the brooch into her purse and went for a walk to clear her mind. Her thoughts wandered aimlessly through questions she would never have answered, but her feet were on a mission, carrying her to the office of the banker handling all of her family’s affairs.
Comfortably seated in his office she got right to the point, “I believe the Diamond Deuce is worth around $80,000, is that right Henry?”
Here, the reader is told of Julia’s reaction and given some insight into her state of mind. They are told that she went for a walk and ended up at the banker’s office so when the conversation between Julia and the banker takes place they aren’t surprised to no longer be at the house. Picking up the conversation with Julia’s question regarding the worth of the ranch is less awkward that having the man begin with the customary pleasantries. It gets the reader right to the point with no frills, which is most likely how Julia would have liked things to go considering the shocking revelation she had experienced.
“Very well…
Having Julia say “Very well” makes it appear that she is agreeing that the ranch shouldn’t be sold until it is worth more, but then n the same sentence she says to sell it. A better statement here would be “No matter” and then the rest of the instructions she gives. That could convey her lack of attachment for the place now that she has learned the truth about her mother.
“Tell the town I’ve gone to Los Angeles, and throw this, please, into the trash.”
This would be better with a tiny bit more expression from Julia. She’s in shock and she wants to get away and leave her past behind as quickly as possible. I don’t think she’d care if the whole town were told of her whereabouts. You might say:
“If anyone asks, tell them I’ve gone to Los Angeles. That’s all they need to know. And, throw this, please, in the trash.”
She picked up her suitcase and walked down to the train depot never looking back.
You don’t need “down”.
You could show Julia’s attachment and loyalty to Ramon by having her wear the brooch as she leaves town. It could almost be like a symbol of hope for a bright new life somewhere no one knew her.
You have written a captivating story, grabbing the reader’s interest at the beginning and holding it through to the end.
I hope that you find someting of value in this review. I had left the page with your story open as I wrote my review in another program offline. When I refreshed the page I saw that some edits have already been made. Please forgive any thing I have suggested that has already been done.
Write on!
Deborah
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