I found this light and amusing. You certainly make the reader feel like they're in the room - I'm glad I can visualise his nails coming off as he pulls at the staples on the wall (no matter how much I don't want to).
The beginning was good with the sight of a noose, but you could have magnified this more with something that had been going on in Samuel's life- let us know why this image provoked a reaction from him. He says '"Is this really my life?"' but this is just his family, not his entire life- give us and indication of what else he feels bad about.
I like your quip about the 'Holiday Goddess, of war and destruction' which gave me an expectation that there was a huge family row thundering on the horizon, but that never materialised and Leona didn't war with or destroy anyone or anything. Your title also implies this and I was disappointed that the main point of conflict was simply a biscuit and some old codger in the corner talking drivel.
You set yourself up well with creating the main antagonistic character (Leona) and I thought you were going to build on that through the eyes of Samuel but you never followed it through.
This has the potential to be a fantastic character piece but so far, seems a vague outline. Step-up the conflict - get her to really show her teeth! - while still maintaining that wonderful humour.
'Rose: “We’re looking for a singer.” he finished.'
The first time I read this I had to take a double take thinking, 'Rose....he finished? Eh? Then I realised you were changing P.O.V. It doesn't work for me, I fell like I am learning a script. You can indicate change of P.O.V. by using italics with one of your characters and writing it into the narrative. Example:
'Rose felt her cheeks redden "We're looking for a singer" He finished.'
Then continue talking from Rose's P.O.V.
In all honestly, I don't think you need the two P.O.V.s Scrap one - use Billies observation of Rose's actions and his internal dialogue as to how he perceives them, thus creating tension and a little mystery. Does she like him, or his friend Jay, or Skylar? Keep the reader guessing. This would work better when it comes to the point of Billy getting angry with her for not liking him because he will have built up his hopes, an entire fantasy world of his life with her. When she rejects him you can explore all these feelings of rejection he feels, which in turn leads to his despicable behaviour.
I hope this helps but disregard any or all of this critique, should you wish.
Hello! Thought I should stop reading instructions and how too's and actually get some reviews out.
Generally I liked this very much (I have a soft spot for both pixies and vampires). It's well paced and lively and I love the whole idea of the pixie points.
Just a couple of things that niggled me (I can be a bit anal I'm afraid):
"His clothing appeared dirty and wrinkled." Is 'appeared' necessary? Either they were dirty and wrinkled or not. Unless you were going to say they appeared dirty and wrinkled but in actual fact it was an illusion, or something like that, then I'd lose it.
"He is coming closer, but not speaking a word." Shouldn't that be "He was coming closer"?
And the only other niggle was with the last two paragraphs. Where the character declares she has made a decision to open her eyes and we are then told that she does so, almost immediately after.
That's it. Bravo.
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