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Public Reviews
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1
1
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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PLOT

I thought the storyline had potential and I loved the end hook.

SUGGESTIONS

But the high maintenance costs (are) too much. And he can't afford its upkeep on his bank manager salary. (were)

The start of the story read more like a plan than a story. The start hook needs to draw the reader in. Maybe start with what happens in the room... (Lord Glaring sighed as he saw the lobby of his house converted hotel cluttered with guests complaining about the ghost. Every time, the same events occurred...)

This sentence is not needed as it is shown in the next bit. Also, either put that part in bold, italistics, or speech marks. I was very confused where the sub story ended and the main story began. (The exorcist proceeded to tell Lord Glaring the vision Uncle Louis gave him.)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The characters never grew. I couldn't get a feel for them. The dialogue was good though. Try and give the main characters some personality.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This could be a great story with a little work. Thank you for sharing.
2
2
Review of Mother Nature  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

I love the visual direction the poet has given the reader, showing them when to pause and when to fade with their commas and full stops. I also like the zig zag end of the poem where each line is a slightly different length to the one above. I like the font used as it gives the poem an olden day look. The structure is sound and each line builds on the one above.

TONE

The tone suits the poem as it is happy and inquiring and I love the way it started with a question.

SUGGESTIONS

I have none. This poem is perfectly written and to change anything would spoil the flow, in my opinion.

STYLE

This rhyming style really suits the poem, in my opinion.

TITLE

The title suits the poem. It gives the reader enough information so they are intrigued but not so much they are bored.

IMAGE

I see a blond girl running through the trees, wind blowing her hair, wearing a white light coat.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing. Have a great day.


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3
3
Review of Lauren.  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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STRUCTURE

The red writing really makes it stand out. I like the long lines and the ununiformed way it was written and I like the twist at the end as, all through the poem, I thought the poet was the grown up and it turns out they were the child. Very well thought out poem.

TONE

The tone was soft and tender and suited the words very well.

SUGGESTIONS

(And) held us tight (she)

(And) didn’t want to go (,)

Now a lady (And) has flown the nest (, she)

STYLE

I think this half rhyming and half non rhyming really makes the poem stronger and I love the end. The last couple of lines were the best, in my opinion.

TITLE

The title told the reader who the poem was about but didn't tell the reader anything else which, in my opinion, makes the reader read on as it peeks their curiosity.

IMAGE

I see a girl and her nanny sitting by a windowsill having a kiss and a cuddle.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem, just needs tweaking here and there. Thank you for sharing and have a great day.


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4
4
Review of Lullaby  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

I like the way, instead of speech marks, at the beginning and the end you have used a musical note as it does suit the poem rather well. I also like the way it sounds when read aloud and its flow. I thought the way it looks pleasing to the eye, with some lines being longer than others. I like ununiformed poems.


TONE

The tone was very soft at first but, at the end, I could here frustration and pleading. As a mother, I know how that feels lol. The tone really suits the words to this poem.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't have any. To change anything would be to spoil it as, in my opinion, it was practically perfectly written.

STYLE

I love the rhyming style and think it really suits the poem. I think this poem suits the style it was written in rather well.

TITLE

The title explained a lot. It told us it was a children's poem and a soft and safe one as it was a lullaby. But it didn't tell us too much so it would spoil the read.

IMAGE

I can see a little boy given his mum a hard time about bedtime. In the end she pleads with him to go to sleep. Mothers and fathers can relate to this lol.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great poem and thank you for sharing. Have a nice day.


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5
5
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Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
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PLOT

It doesn't work. I'm sorry. This is only my opinion, though.

SUGGESTIONS

(Festus wasn’t your typical deputy, if he was a deputy at all, but then again, Dodge City wasn’t your typical 1880s old western city either. Every day started out the same, with the town’s sheriff, a tall drink of water if ever there was one, shooting some unseen (and unknown) stranger on the main drag in a quick draw for no apparent reason.) This is very telling. maybe...(Dodge city, not an average town with a very peculiar Deputy in the 1800, gunned down a man on main for no other reason than wrong place, wrong time.)

The batwing doors swing open and Festus enters, (loping his loping stride.) This is very telling. (his arms and legs moving in different directions. He looked like scooby Doo.

My honest opinion is this doesn't work. Maybe write it like a story and then say cut. That will be a nice twist. The reader will think it's a story only to find out it's not.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

There wasn't any.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I think the concept is good as well as the idea. Thank you for sharing and have a great day.


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6
6
Review of Mom's Poem  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

I like the way it is written and the way every line except a few had no full stops or commas. I like the way the poet has uniformed every line except the one in the middle of the poem. They have made that one really long and it works. The structure suits the theme very well.

TONE

The tone is one of gratitude and love. The words touch my heart and I really love the flow and beat.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't have any. This is perfectly written just the way it is.

STYLE

The style suits the poem very much. This AABB and half-rhyme style suits the theme and the tone very well.

TITLE

The title tells us the subject the poem was based on but makes the reader want to read on.

IMAGE

I see a kind lady and a child turned into a woman who has a lot to be thankful for. She and her mum sound like best friends.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing. Stay safe and keep writing.


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7
7
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

I like the way one verse builds on another until a story developed. I also love the verse being different sizes and the lines being, roughly, the same length. It was a long poem but, unlike most poems this long usually ramble, this one did not. Every word was used and needed to tell the story.

TONE

The tone was happy to start with but, in the middle, it turned to hate and loss. The end was comfort and relieve to see his loved one again.

SUGGESTIONS

'alas we meet again (mylove)!’' (my love)

STYLE

I think the style suited the poem very well as any other would have made reading such a long poem tedious.

TITLE

The title also suits the poem. The poem is about a flower and a bee and the title tells the reader this without giving anything away.

IMAGE

I can see a female bee falling in love with a male. The wind batters the the love and the other bee grieves, until, they meet once more.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing. Have a great day.


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8
8
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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PLOT

This Is a very heartwarming story with a lot of merits.

SUGGESTIONS

(Something was different, but what?) The desks lay huddled in a mass of broken rubble (as they had) since the school closed all those years ago. (Sarah Jean couldn't remember how long it had been. Old ghosts like her didn't fuss over time.) This is very telling. Words like 'had' and 'was' are very passive words and, in my opinion, the start hook needs to have as much pull as possible. (She sensed a difference, but what could it be?) This is not needed, in my opinion, as the meaning of the sentence doesn't change if the words are taken out (delete) (She tried to remember the year the school closed but, being a ghost, she couldn't. Time stood still once you died.)

(Sarah Jean could see no one, but she drifted outside to the grounds and continued her search. There was no man here, but a half-eaten sandwich sat on a flattened paper sack on the front step beside an assortment of tools.) Come to think of it, she had heard some banging around out here. She’d assumed it was the woodpeckers hammering away at the cottonwood tree. (Sarah Jean could see no one in the house but, as she floated outside, a sandwich packet and some tools lay on the ground.)

She (fell into a depression similar to when she first realized she was dead, and that Benjamin, the school principal, would never know that she loved him. She always wondered what happened to her love, and had finally come to terms with the fact that she would never know.) Again telling. (Her heart felt heavy similar to the day of her death and the realization that the new principle, Benjamin would never know how much she loved him.) In my opinion, that is all you need.

(When the man did come back, he) brought something special with him. (The man came back the next day and)

Her heart fluttered at the new revelation. Her fingers (fluttered) over the ivory keys.(flew) Too repetitive otherwise.

(She was amazed at how quickly she remembered, her fingers danced like nimble ballerinas across the ivories.) This again is very repetitive, in my opinion. (Her eyes widened and lips parted as she played the instrument.)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

This was very well orchestrated. I could feel the characters straight away.

FINAL THOUGHTS

All in all a good story and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing and have a great day.


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9
9
Review of KEYBOARD  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

I like the way not every line has a punctuation mark and the structure of the actual poem where the word is part of the poem. I have read many of these and most seem to go off on a tangent and leave the reader, in my opinion, lost and confused. Yours, on the other hand kept on point and didn't confuse me in the slightest.

TONE

It was an informative poem hence, I'm not sure it had a tone. It certainly gave insight into the poet, though.

SUGGESTIONS

I have none. It was perfectly written and composed.

STYLE

The style was the poem lol. The style fitted the poem and the theme.

TITLE

Again, the title was the poem hence, it fitted the poem very well.

IMAGE

I see someone who loves music and keyboards.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing. Have a great weekend.


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10
10
Review of Gone Fishing  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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PLOT

I thought the plot was epic and I really loved the end, riviting.

SUGGESTIONS

(Fred was heartbroken and upset after loosing his future fiancée. I, being his best friend, was there to console him. At least that’s what I was telling him and everybody else. To me this was the perfect opportunity, if not the perfect time but still I could make a start and inch my way into Fred’s heart. That was one place I had craved for and had been denied.) Don't tell, show. Here shown emotion could really hook the reader, in my opinion. (Fred's puffy face and splotchy shoulders showed his devastation about losing his fiancé. I, being his best friend, comforted him while thinking what a perfect opportunity to show my true feelings towards him.)

I could understand that. (Jenny was so perfect,) he used to say. He (can’t) be luckier. He wanted to be with her till the end of time. (Perfect Jenny) In my opinion, by giving her a nickname, it gives the contempt she feels for the girl more power. (couldn't) Past tense and present tens.

How naive is Fred, I thought. (She) knew about my feelings about him and came to threaten me that night. She said she would not share Fred’s wealth with anyone. (I was shocked when she pointed her gun at me). The gunfire still rang in my mind. (Jenny) Use her name. I had to read this three times before i got what 'she' you were referring to. (I took a step back, my jaw dropped and my eyes opened wider, when she pulled out a gun.) Show, don't tell.

Try to refrain from ising words like 'was' and 'had' as they are very telling words.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I could feel the jealousy coming off of 'Sara' in the first few words. You painted a very good and realistic characters.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good story, could be great, with a bit of work. Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest. Have a great day.


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11
11
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

I like the way this poem is told like a story and, for different scenes, different color's are used. I like the way, although there is no punctuation, i got messages of sorts when to pause and when to fade.

TONE

The tone has a sad vibe going through it but it is, a happy poem. This is my favorite jester poem so far.

SUGGESTIONS

Once again, I have none. This poem is perfectly written and I loved every word.

STYLE

The rhyming and half rhyming style suited this poem very well.

TITLE

The title suits the poem.

IMAGE

I can see a small boy rise to a challenge, complete it, and come back a man.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing. Have a great day.
12
12
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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OVERALL IMPRESSION

It seemed very telling. I would have liked to see a bit more emotion. The children have just seen a dragon come out of the see. Maybe... Caitlin froze to the spot, her hand still on the dogs' head... or something like that.

WHAT WORKED

I like the deep way the scenery is described and the dialogue is also very realistic.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

It was just too telling and not enough showing and the lack of emotion.

OPENING PARAGRAPH

It was good but lacked the hook factor slightly.

PLOT

I loved the storyline and thought it was very well thought out.


SUGGESTIONS

(Jayden was off on a hunt for dragons.) Most people didn't believe dragons really existed, but Jayden knew otherwise. Oh, he hadn't actually seen one for himself. But he believed. (Jayden wanted to hunt dragons.) In my opinion, this has more action and a better hook.

'Finally, they got there, piled out of the car, and started on the walk to the beach. Jayden walked slowly, carefully observing every sandy dune, every clump of vegetation. What would his first clue be? A tree, knocked over by a careless swipe of an enormous scaled tail? A large wave, sent to shore by a thrashing body far beneath the surface? Jayden's eyes darted here and there, determined not to miss even the smallest of clues. He lagged behind his sister and parents (as they headed for the (beach.))' This is to repetitive and gives a really good and sold paragraph a stutter. (delete)

Caitlin didn't wait to respond, she bounded off the bed and ran into her bedroom to find a book. She came quickly back with one of her cherished fairy (books) and plonked herself on the corner of the bed as directed. (tale) Otherwise, again too repetitive.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Needs a bit of work to make it a great story instead of a good story, in my opinion. Thank you for sharing and have a great day.


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13
13
Review of Be The Poem  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

I love the way the poem builds in every verse and the structure and punctuation guide the reader on where to pause and stop. Like actor direction in a play. I like the way most of the lines are the same size but one or two are longer, like a hand reaching out of the house, maybe enticing someone in to share the wisdom.

TONE

The tone is telling a story. It is advisory and warning. It tells one to be content with what you got and the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't have any. This poem is perfectly written and to change anything would take away the power of its message and words.

STYLE

This rhyming style suits the poem and theme. It gives the poem a nice beat and I enjoyed the way it sounded to the ear.

Title

The title intrigued me and made me want to read more.

IMAGE

I imagined a house with painted walls to be a metaphor of a strong willed and wise person who wouldn't want to change her rags for riches.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


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14
14
Review of Stuck as a Truck  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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PLOT

I like the plot. A wish that went wrong. She wanted to be a fire fighter but misappropriated her wish and ended up a fire truck. I think that is a very well written and thought out storyline.

SUGGESTIONS

"Get me out of here!" I uselessly yell (for) all the fireman, aware that my voice will go unheard. (at) Your character is not putting on a show, she is in distress.

At the time, I didn’t realize that what I truly wanted was to be a fireman. I was so young, so dumb (at the time). No need to replete what time it was. (delete)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

At first we learn it is a child's wish but, as the story progresses, she is shown as a philosophical woman. The character grew and developed rather well for a short story, in my opinion.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This was a very well written story. Thank you for sharing.


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15
15
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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THE OUTLINE

I knew from the introduction what the essay was going to be about. You outlined it very well and there was nothing that was a surprise.

MAIN IDEAS

There was only one premise and that was the conversation between Jesus and the ruler. I would have liked more ideas but it was very well thought out.

SUGGESTIONS

I would have put the conversation in a different colour and make it stand out more. I would have put the conversation under a sub heading and each part under one also. Everything ran into everything else and it was a bit hard to decipher what was your opinion and what was the quotes. This is only my opinion.

THE HOOK

The hook pulled me in. I don't usually review essays and defiantly not religious ones but I wanted to know about the story and find out what it was about.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great piece and it is well written. It needs, in my opinion, to be more colorful to make more people read it, though. Thank you for sharing and take care.


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16
16
Review of Warrior's Pride  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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STRUCTURE

I think the structure is sound and I like the punctuation after every line as it gives the poem an uniformed feel like the lines being roughly the same size. I enjoyed reading this poem and thought the structure fitted the theme very well.

TONE

The tone was of pride. A military man who is proud to serve in the army.

SUGGESTIONS

'He has a love of war'

The only line I had difficulty with was this one. Most men who join the armed forces don't really love war, in my opinion. They go because they have to, it is their job, but I don't think they love it and given a choice of killing or been killed, I'm not sure that's a choice I would want. In my opinion, any man who loves war should not be in the army. That is just my opinion, though. Maybe, you need to respect it so you can do it, who knows.

STYLE

I think the rhyming style also suits this poem as, in my opinion, it gives the poem a kind of marching beat.

TITLE

The title suits the poem.

IMAGE

I can see a man getting into uniform for a parade. He is proud of being in the army and he shows this by his puffed out chest stature.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing. Take care.


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17
17
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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PLOT

The end hook was good and the story itself was well executed and thought out but the start needed more bite and it needed, in my opinion, more showing than telling in the body of the story.

SUGGESTIONS

'There once was a denizen of the Eastern Sea, Redfin Carp by name, who was endowed with an indomitable spirit and an upright character. Redfin Carp was a figure of immense stature among his fellow fish.He was constantly bemoaning the fate of his comrades.'

'Redfin Carp, a denizen of the Eastern sea, constantly bemoaned the fate of his comrades.' Saying it this way, in my opinion, instantly has the readers attention. Then, in his speech, show the readers his spirit and character instead of telling them.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I got a feel for the character but would have liked to be shown more than told.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great storyline. In my opinion, it just needs a little work. Thank you for sharing and take care.


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18
18
Review of A Box of Weeds  Open in new Window.
for entry "Meal Ticket" Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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PLOT

I thought the storyline was very good and I liked the ending as well. I thought the story was written well but, if I am honest, I would have liked more emotion. I don't know if it was for a contest where the word count mattered but, if I'm honest, it didn't have the bite (no pun intended) for me to get really interested in the characters or the story.

SUGGESTIONS

This is just my opinion and I am no expert but I know what I like.

Maybe add a bit more emotion. The man is scared of having to dumpster dive again but I only knew that because I was told. Maybe show more than tell in places. Like, show how disgusted he is at sending a woman to her death. Maybe, he shrugged, grimaced, rolled his eyes... before he said the last line. This will show the attitude of, it's either me or her.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

In my opinion, the characters needed shaping more. I guessed what the main characters boss was from the growth of his canines and the fact he ate human flesh but that was it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I really loved the story itself, as I love these kinds of stories. They appeal to my dark side. Thank you for sharing and take care.


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19
19
Review of Walking Alone  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

The structure is sound and I like the way the poems lines are all uniformed to be the same size. I thought the lack of punctuation really suited the theme and the poem. Also the break between the first verse and the second verse suited the theme and the poem as well. It was very well thought out.

TONE

The tone is very taunting and scary. I could feel Goosebumps form on my arm when I read this poem and I enjoyed the spine tingling feel up and down my back as well. What do they say about people liking to be scared. I thought the tone really suited this poem.

SUGGESTIONS

I have none. This poem is written perfectly and, to change anything, would take some of the power away from the words.

STYLE

The style also suits the poem. The ABAB style of rhyming makes the poem even scarier and adds to the atmosphere and essence of the poem.

TITLE

The title suits the poem. It tells the story of someone walking home late at night.

IMAGE

I can see a shadow as they walk down a road. The tree branches reaching out to them as they struggle to get home.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing. Have a great week.




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20
20
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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PLOT

I thought the plot was really good and I loved the end. The storyline was great as well. It was about dignity, sacrifice, and love.

SUGGESTIONS

Sid gripped the arm rests (to) either side and glared at the young woman. “There must be something. Another treatment.” (on) just sounds better, in my opinion.

(He) folded his arms and examined the many framed certificates displayed behind the woman who refused to do more. (Sid) In my opinion, even though their are only two people in the scene, it sounds better to either use the name at the start of a action tag before the dialogue, put the action tag after the dialogue or just have the dialogue.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I got the feel of the main character straight away. He was besotted with his wife and would do anything to keep her happy, even rob a jewelry store to give her a princess ring.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great story. I hope you are well as you have not been writing or on this site like forever, I thought you had left. I am glad you are back. Take care and thank you for sharing. Have a great week.


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21
21
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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WORDPLAY AND IMAGINARY

This was done very well as you gave the bunk-beds a personality almost. I could see, by reading your words, two boys playing and jumping on the beds. The dreams they had and the adventures they discovered together. I always feel sorry for the kid at the bottom, though. Well, the kid at the top doesn't have to worry about monsters under the bed. He knows the little monster under his bed lol.

LANGUAGE AND REPRESENTATION

This is also really good. I like the way you wrote about the boys and I saw how the story came together. It was very real and very relatable. I remembered when my son grew out of his kiddy bed and, because it made me remember, I could relate to the story and felt the connection.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't have any. This story was great. It was just the right length and it didn't ramble, like a lot of these stories do.

WHAT I LIKED

The hook and the ending. The hook because it drew me in and the ending because it left me content.

WHAT I DISLIKED

I didn't dislike anything.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This was a great personnel piece and thank you for sharing. Have a great weekend.


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22
22
Review of Paying the Bills  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

The punctuation really suited the theme. It made the reader pause after each line. I found this poem particularly relatable as my brother-in-law is in a care home with dementia. He, like the woman in the poets poem, worked all his life and now he cannot even be trusted to look after his own cigarettes. I also like the different sized lines as this adds drama to the poem.

TONE

This poem is sad. It tells the story of a woman who is loosing her mind. The nurses either cannot be bothered or do not have the time to listen and comfort. She is worried as she has always paid her bills, even when money is tight. A proud woman who is scared as she doesn't know why no one will answer her.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't have any. This poem is perfectly written.

STYLE

The style suits the poem.

TITLE

The title is a good one. It tells the reader what the poem is about without giving anything away. It makes the reader want to find out more.

IMAGE

I see a frightened woman who is distressed as she cries out for help and wonders why no one will answer her.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Very well versed poem and thank you for sharing. Have a great week.


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23
23
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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STRUCTURE

I like the way the lines are different sizes and there is very little punctuation. It is what I call a thought poem as it sounds like what the flow of thoughts in ones head might sound like. The structure suited the theme of this poem very well and I enjoyed reading it.

TONE

The tone was sad as it was based on bad memories and I am sorry for everyone you lost. It tells the story about a woman sat at home while her man is out fighting in a different country. It tells about the pain she feels when that telegraph comes through the door and she learns her husband, brother etc. have given their life for their country. It tells of pain and anger. The tone suits the theme very well.

SUGGESTIONS

I have none. This poem is written perfectly.

STYLE

The style suited the theme of this poem as it let the reader have a lot more freedom than another style might have given them.

TITLE

The title is well suited as well. It is about a lady who has lost someone close to her and all she has is his boots.

IMAGE

I see a woman sat on the floor cuddling a pair of boots with tears in her eyes and pain in her heart.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I hope you are well and your family is good. How is the farm? Thank you for sharing and have a great week.


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24
24
Review of Birth of a memory  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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PLOT

This storyline made me chuckle as I remember my own child's screaming matches with me. I enjoyed this short story and loved the way most of it was in dialogue. It was very well thought out and presented and I love the warm feeling, as I remembered things, it made me feel inside. The first memories are important for both mother and child and you captured the feeling perfectly. This was a sort of happy memory unlike the first tantrum they had in a store and people walking away with stern looks on their faces lol.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't really have any. The only thing I would say, and this is more a preference than a suggestion, would be to write about other firsts as you have the knack of painting images in the mind with your words.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

For such a small story you have given the child and mother a personality. The child is also learning the word 'no.' You have shown the mother is strict but not too strict as she teaches her son restraint.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great little story and thank you for sharing. Have a great week.


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25
25
Review of The Cleaner  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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PLOT

I think this plot is great and it captured my attention from the first word. I like how smooth the story flows and hope you write more and make it into a novel as that will be one book I would love to read.

SUGGESTIONS

Squaring my shoulders and trying not to sigh as birds chirp gaily outside the window, I settle to work. I roll Jimbo (that’s what I’ve decided to call todays stiff) off the chair and onto the expanse of plastic (I had) laid out under the table. (delete) I don't think you need to tell the reader that your character laid it out. Besides, in my opinion, by adding 'had' the writer has changed action into telling and my attention wandered a little.

No matter, I’ve done enough jobs to anticipate such things and (had laid out) just the right length of plastic to catch the wayward droppings. (made sure I cut) In my opinion, something like this is less repetitive as the writer has roughly used the same words earlier in the story. Also, this way, in my opinion, is far more showy.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The writer has done this very well. At the start the character cared more for his business but, by the end, the writer showed he had a heart. I would like to see more growth, if you turn this story into a novel.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story and very well written. Thank you for sharing and have a great weekend.


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