I applaud your poem as an entry to the Writer's Cramp. It is sometimes very difficult to write either a story or a poem geared to a prompt. Your poem is right on the money as far as the prompt is concerned. I really enjoyed reading your poem and also enjoyed the imagery you created throughout. Good job and thanks for sharing. As far as the rating goes I couldn't give you any higher than 3.5 stars due to the poem not being finished.
This is a very good story. It kept my attention throughout and kept me waiting for the payout at the end. That payout did not disappoint. Your writing style is very easy to read. I noticed the following typo;
You wrote, ‘she thanked him she and’ The second she does not belong.
Setting
Your setting is well done for such a short story. Nice attention to just enough detail.
Plot
Your plot was strong from beginning to end. Very good job.
Characterization
Your characters were fleshed out nicely. Your tattoo artist was really a full person by the end of the story. Cassidy, with a much shorter appearance time, was also a well rounded character.
Pace
Your writing style is easy to read and complements the story well.
What I liked:
You wrote, ‘He walked over to the door and opened it only to see a too-skinny girl with spiked purple hair waiting patiently.’ This is a great character introduction. With just one line you fill the reader in on who is now coming into the story.
What I didn’t like: The only thing I didn’t like was the length. It would be nice to read more from your main character.
Summary
This is a very good piece of writing. The characters reach out and pull the reader into the story. Your ending wasn’t so much of a twist but a wicked luxury. The reader can see something coming but it’s much more than expected. Good job and thanks for the read. Even though the story contained a typo I still gave it a perfect rating due to the great story.
I like the premise of your story. With a bit of work this can be very good.
SettingYour setting is good where you have included it.
PlotYour plot is good but not perfect. I’m not sure how someone in a coma or vegetative state would be able to feel smooth stone that isn’t there.
ie He reached around him, rounded stone walls. They were wet, covered in mould. He was at the bottom of an abyssal dried up well.
CharacterizationNot really enough to learn what kind of man your protagonist is other than showing his concern for his wife. This would be a good place to expand.
PaceYour pace could be improved by using longer sentences, mixing the type of sentences you use, and don’t use he so much.
{b{Some things I noticed
You wrote, ‘he was on his front and his body felt dead.’ Would read better if you wrote, ‘he was face down and he felt dead.’ Words like ‘front’ are used more for inanimate objects. Also, the word body would be understood. Always eliminate words that are not needed.
You wrote, ‘He needed air. He used all his willpower to roll onto his back. When the air came it struck Jack’s burning throat like cold water on tempered steel.’ Here you use ‘he’ twice in close succession. Try, ‘He needed air. Using all his strength he rolled to his back. The air slammed into Jack’s burning throat like . . . ‘
You wrote, ‘He tried to open his eyes. He couldn’t.’ Here again you’ve used he in close succession.
You wrote, ‘He had heard something. He was scared. He got out of bed. He heard footsteps below; whoever it was, he was downstairs. A muffled cough came from down below. How dare someone come to his house! He was angry, too angry. He went down stairs.’ Again, he is used to often in succession.
You wrote, ‘Someone come from the side’ s/b came.
What I liked:
Your line, ‘Jack fell back into the abyss, into the darkness.’ Very good line, conveys imagery and feeling.
What I didn’t like:
Your line, ‘A lot of good sight did him. He reached around him, rounded stone walls. They were wet, covered in mould. He was at the bottom of an abyssal dried up well. He began to scream into the infinite blackness.’ This line is an example of the problems the pace of the story has.
Summary
The idea of the story is very good. With a few tweeks here and there I believe this could be a very good and entertaining story. Keep up the good work and thanks for the read.
Nice story. Your character is believable and your setting is very good. I noticed the following;
You wrote, 'And tonight I’m at The Crest View Motel in Monterey, California. Tonight I’m researching' Here you use 'tonight' in two consecutive sentences. You could eliminate 'tonight' in the second sentence. This doesn't change the meaning.
You wrote, 'My wake-up call wakes me promptly' Here you've used wake-up and wakes in close succession. Try, 'My wake-call rings promptly at seven'
You have some strong imagery in this poem. Along with the imagery raw emotion comes through. There were a few lines that did not have the correct number of matching stressed and unstressed syllables which really confuses the rhythm. The following line's meaning was completely lost on me;
Then we because best friends you and me
Please realize these are only my opinions. This is your work and you should treat it as such. Thanks for the read.
Your description of the forensic examination of the poem is very well done. Your plot, what there is of it in this piece, is spot on. Even though you are working with a limited ability, in this piece, to characterize you do so very well in the examination by William Flagg. Very good job.
The story line you've introduced is very interesting. There are a few things that I believe will improve on what you've already accomplished. First of all you must be careful with the point of view. There are several pov shifts and that only serves to confuse the reader and pull them from the story. Remember, if you are writing in first person point of view, then your character can't know anything she hasn't seen, heard, or read. So, when writing and using 'I' be careful not to bring in things that are unknown to your character. If you are writing from the narrators point of view then do not use 'I'. You would use 'he' or 'she'.
Another thing, if this is the beginning of a book you will most likely need more action along with dialog. Remember, it is the first few pages that will win readers. You have those few pages to draw the reader into the story.
Just a few things I noticed;
You wrote, 'stretched beyond the eye could see,' try 'stretched beyond where the eye could see.'
You wrote, ' if that what they were.' should read 'if that was what they were.'
You wrote, 'It was alls she possessed.' I believe you meant 'all she possessed.'
You wrote, 'so restless, fidget and on edge.' I believe you meant 'so restless, fidgety and on edge.'
You wrote, 'white walls around he warming up and changing,' I believe you meant 'around her warming'
As I said before I really do like the story you are building here. Another thing to remember, the things I've mentioned in this review are just my opinion. This is your story and only you know how to tell it. Good job and thanks for the read.
Very good story and an ending that is both satisfying and leaves the reader with the 'what?' reaction. I enjoyed reading your tale quite a bit.
You wrote, 'the school got.' Should be 'the school caught.'
You wrote, 'she was exciting and risk taking' Should be 'took risks' or 'risk taker'.
You wrote, 'but that wasn’t just it.' Should read, 'but that wasn't all.'
You wrote, 'something wrong with it. There was something terribly wrong with it.' In these two sentences can stop with the word wrong. 'with it' is unnecessary.
You wrote, 'He had bought the gun about five years ago, he had been to a shooting range and guns had been an interest of his for little while.' This is a run on sentence.
You wrote, ' He turned them on as he went. Deeper into the darkness he went.' Here you use 'he went' twice in very close succession. This causes the sentences to be very awkward. Consider changing the second sentence. Possibly 'Going deeper into the darkness.'
You wrote, ' that had took her away.' Wrong verb tense, should be 'that had taken her away.'
You wrote, 'The bus driver was too far away to for John to allow him release from life.' The word 'to' should be removed.
Nice story, keep up the good work. Thanks for the read.
The story is very good. The plot is strong, characters are fleshed out, and the setting holds everything in place. I did notice the flow was a bit inconsistent. Several awkward sentences seem to be the problem. Also, the dialog should be written in a more formal structure. It becomes very confusing at times. Check out other stories on Writing.com or even in books you might read.
A few things I noticed:
You wrote, ' I haven’t been in a hospital for myself before.' Try, 'This is the first time I've been a patient in a hospital.' This improves the flow whereas the original sentence reads a bit awkward.
You wrote, 'actually knew the answer too.' Here you should use 'to.'
You wrote, 'soon disappears out behind the curtains.' Omit the word 'out'. It is not needed.
You wrote, 'A brief of relief." Should insert 'moment' here.
Your dialog is very confusing. A sample of the section follows;
Most people continue on, routine, day after day, month after month.” The voice continues.
A quiet buzz sound flows from the speaker. I wait for a reply.
“Why are you here?” I ask the voice.
“What do you need, sir?” The speaker responds.
“I was in an accident.” The voice replies.
“Yes, I need to speak to a specialist, someone who can answer some questions.” I respond to the speaker.
“The good thing about accidents is, people open their eyes after. You know, try to make things better.” The voice murmurs in the background.
“There are no such things as accidents, they can always be avoided.” I reply.
At times it's very hard to tell who is speaking.
The story was really nice with a good twist at the end. Remember, these are only my opinions. The story is yours and only you will recognize what is best for it. Thanks for the read.
In reading your writing it is evident that English is not your first language. I would suggest you take advantage of a class offered here on Writer's.com. I believe it's called the ABC's of Writing. This should help you get a better grasp on the language. Below are just a couple of things I noticed.
You wrote, 'to be mylelf's biggest critic.' Should be my own biggest critic.
You wrote, 'At the same time I will to keep some general standards.' Should insert 'try'
I'm not sure if this piece would be considered a rant or not but I do detect a bit of anger in your writing. That's not necessarily a bad thing as long as you use it in the correct way and not let it color your subject.
Keep on writing.
You have some strong visuals in this piece. I like the wording overall and enjoyed the meaning. One problem I have is with the beat. I found myself looking for it several times as I read. Another problem I saw was with your rhyming lines. There seemed to be no pattern to where they fell. Just when I thought I had it figured out it changed.
I want to stress again that I really enjoyed the visuals and the meaning you were conveying. My opinions I voiced above are just that, my opinions. This is your work and you are the only one who hears the voice. Thanks for the read.
I like the back and forth banter you illustrate here. What I don't like is the form. If you wrote it in dialog form it would read better. Another benefit would be not losing track of who is speaking.
Ex:
"I've been thinking..," Eddie said.
"Didn't see that coming," Julie interrupted.
"Okay, Eddie, what's on your mind?" Andrew asked.
"Remind me again, why you put up with her? The snotty remarks can't be it, even a lobotomized zombie could make up better ones. So clearly it's not the absent intellect, which leaves.. Well, an annoying little cunt who's easy on the eye. On second thought, don't know about that and don't want to.
"Don't start."
"Me?" Eddie asked. "Are you bloody deaf? Your hellcat here started it."
"Why does she bug you so much?" Andrew asked."Why do you let her get to you like that?"
"I have a list."
Of course, this is only my opinion. Another advantage to writing your conversations like this is that a simple copy and paste can place it in the story when you're ready. I like the conversation. It's snappy and alive and takes place in a vehicle that carries them to another point in the story. Thanks for the read.
I like this as the beginning of a story. You set the characters up well. This makes the reader look forward to getting to know them better. You also introduce vampire aspect of Eddie in a nice way, through the eyes of a lover. One thing to watch, in the first few paragraphs Mary has many conflicting emotions told in flashes. This gives a ring of untruth to Mary's character.
A few things I noticed:
"She opened the fridge and saw there were no more beer left." should be beers.
"To the casual observer it might seem as some psycho had fun with the clientele and staff of the restaurant, and had a SWATty dessert before getting shot several times while making a run for the river, ending up at the bottom of it,” Eddie said as he pulled out his smokes from his jacket, lying on the couch." This sentence is much too long. Try breaking it up. End first sentence after restaurant. 'Then had a SWATty dessert . . . times.' then 'He made the river but ended up at the bottom," Eddie said, pulling out his smokes.' This improves the flow exponentially. When a sentence is too long the reader notices there is no place to pause. Once the reader is thinking about how the piece is written he has lost the feeling you're trying to build. Also, I have no idea what 'SWATty' is so I'm not sure if this is a misspelling or a colloquialism.
Watch your change in point of view. The story begins from Mary's POV and ends with Eddie's. This can be tricky. Remember, what your POV character can't see, feel or hear can't be written about at that point.
I enjoyed the story. Keep up the good work. Thanks for the read.
Your story if very, very good. The plot is strong, the scene well built and the characters fleshed out. It also read well. I found no misspellings or typos. Very well done. Below are a few of the things I noticed while reading. The only major item would be the point of view. At times it seems to be Samantha's story and other times the narrator's. Be careful.
A few things I noticed:
You wrote, 'Her gaze remained lost in the crowd, and focused on him.' Here you have her gaze split which would be the opposite of focused. May read better if you write, 'Her gaze remained focused on him, oblivious to the crowd.'
You wrote, 'Black stuff coalesced to form a head, limbs, and body.
Samantha did not turn to meet the speaker. She already knew who it was.
You have to be careful you do not want to change your point of view. If Samantha did not turn to meet the speaker because she already knew who it was, who saw the 'black stuff coalesce to form a head, limbs, and body?
As I read further it seems you are writing in the Omnipresent narrator Point of View. Tough to pull off.
You wrote, 'She ran, her feet numb to the sharp cracking of rocks and the crunching of brambles beneath her feet. ' Be careful about using the same word twice in a sentence. This slows the flow.
This was a really good read. Keep up the good work.
As far as grammar, spelling, and typos the piece is very good. I found none of the above in your piece. This was very touching and delivered as promised. I will note that as far as the type of writing your are doing I am not sure of your target audience. The writing is a little slow in the beginning. It's also a bit on the depressing side. This may be intentional so I won't take that away from you. As I said before, the piece was true to what was promised. The items I've mentioned are only my opinion and nothing more. Keep on writing and thanks for the read.
I found this idea very interesting. The way you introduced Strider to the modern wold was nice although I still not convinced a psychotherapist would have let the man walk. I was also confused about how Strider would have come across the idea that this mental health practitioner was a wizard. Then there's the ring. How did it get there? Why was such a "prize" just laying on the floor? Surely Strider wouldn't have left it. Especially after stating he was searching for it. I feel like your plot really never developed. In other words, I really like the idea but think your plot needs work.
A few things I noticed:
You wrote,'I entered, placed myself strategically facing him but off to one side and studied him carefully for a moment.' You can easily remove "but". Also, you can delete "for a moment". This is understood and will not change a thing if removed. Rewrite: I entered,placed myself strategically facing him, off to one side, and studied him carefully.
The paragraph that begins,'What do you suppose a person-or creature. . . ', reads a bit confusingly. I found myself, as a reader, going back over the paragraph to make sure I understood what was happening. One thing you can do is omit ' "Humm, I said, sagely.' This really adds nothing to the story. Your next sentence, 'I assumed my most authoritative affectation,' pretty much establishes the characters "sagedom." In the next sentence you begin, "So," I summarized, "you feel driven yourself . . ", By writing I summarized right after 'so' gives the impression that 'so' was the summary. This might read better by writing, "so," I began to summarize," In the last sentence in this paragraph you have at the end, 'from your sight' I'm not sure if this is a typo or something more was omitted.
This was a nice try. Keep on writing.
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You wrote, ‘she thanked him she and’ The second she does not belong.
Setting
