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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
My best to you. Welcome to WDC.



It is hard for me to know what to say here. First, for the most part I loved your imagery. I like your thoughts and how you put them to words. I find myself trying to put a person behind this piece.

I am 75 self taught and mostly retired. I am somewhat limited in my physical capabilities so I write, I still design things, although fewer and fewer actually get built.
I really wish I knew more about you. your biography is not filled out. It is a place to let others put a personality and some general information provide a glimpse through the windows of your heart.

a quietpool

Please let me know what you think about this review.
Please note: these observations, are just some ideas and examples. Take what you want and discard the rest. This piece is YOURS and should remain so.

When I write sometimes it is very difficult to decide on the structure of a piece. I like prose poetry. (Non rhyming) Poetry cries out to be read aloud!

This piece could easily be structured as prose poetry. I will take the liberty of showing you exactly what I mean.

Topography Of A Journey In Life You might want to look at the title

Topography is one of those feeling words. It suggests what your life might feel like beneath the fingertips of another Are you willing to let your readers touch your life feeling rough beads ann smooth ones


The green mark up is what it made me think of when I read it.

It should flow smoothly over ones tongue and lips. The sound of its melody should echo in my mind.


When my heart is heavy
my mind seems to go into overtime.goes into overdrive/c}

As a gust of strong wind outside
}plays its hauntimg melody sends the wind chimes into a continuous song.
on the wind chimes
just outside my window

The morning light
dances nimbly off the vestige of night
awakening a new dayawakens a new day.

my perception of daybreak
focuses my thoughts into the stillness within
forming the foundation upon which all things are built
It is a place of peaceful activity
All things connect like beads on the necklace
of my life. I touch them
feeling their size and shape.
I understand each has its place./c}


You see the way a few words can carry a truckload of meaning in a very small cart. LOL

My best to you
May you receive the healing power of life which surrounds everything

MO


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Review of Never Again  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like this piece. It touches my heart and my mind. However I will not give it the highest rating possible, that might leave you the impression that this piece needs no improvement, I don't want that.

You have an excellent beginning of a power piece! It needs a tweak here and there.

Poetry must be read aloud. That allows the addition of another set of sensors to interpret the messages hidden between the lines. I believe poems should flow smoothly across the tongue and your lips.

Great additions to your tools are :a good rhyming dictionary, and of course the irreplaceable Thesaurus. I don't like the digital versions, they take away from the experience of learning that happens when you open a book.

In line five I would say Apprehensive about .....

I am fast running out of time...So I wish you well.

Contact me with questions, I'll do my best to be of assistance.

MO (75 years old and loving WDC)


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This piece is a bit difficult to follow. Much of my very old stuff,(55+years or more) fell into similar patterns. Through the years I learned that the object (for me) of writing is to communicate with my reader. One thing which helped me was the realization that poetry is meant to be read aloud.

This piece while quite visual in places, is disconnected (to me). It lacks the smooth transitions of thought which carry a reader from one idea to another. Several places I wondered "How did we get here?" Non sequiturs have a place but must be used sparingly if you wish to communicate with your reader.

Your piece undoubtedly makes sense to you. It lived in your mind. I believe you can, (and will, with practice) find ways to put your ideas and observations into a form that communicates what is in your mind to the mind of your reader smoothly and efficiently.

Look carefully at your piece, have you made leaps that leave your reader saying "WHAT?" Most readers now days just won't put in the effort to understand what you are saying. It is worth a little extra effort to make it easier for your readers to follow.

Good luck, and keep writing. Remember this review is just my opinion. I am old and sincerely believe the main object of writing is to communicate.

I will watch your port, and root for you as you gain insight and polish your techniques.

"Just the opinion of old MO"

a quietpool


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the way you use visual and sensual words to paint this word picture. My personal feeling is that all poetry should be read aloud. it should roll smoothly off your tongue and tickle your ear as the painted picture pleases your eye. You did a good job but not perfect. I have a hardbound thesaurus its cover thread bare in spots from frequent use. I like it better than digital versions because it always leads me through a garden of nuance which allows me to pick and choose sound and meanings that fit perfectly.

Any ragged poems in my port reflect when i didn't take the time to use the best tool I ever found.

I am 75, and old fashioned but still able to think outside the box.


i look forward to reading more of your writing.

MO

a quietpool


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Review of Richard  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I strongly suspect that this piece is based upon real feelings. Writing is a wonderful catharsis it allows us to put feelings on paper (the screen) with which we would never trust another person. It definitely helps, and can open doors for sharing without anyone knowing your face. We all have a very myopic view of ourselves when we try to fix our brokenness all by ourself. My advice is to find someone who will share your endeavor without sugar coating it, thus allowing you to avoid the quagmire of self pity.

Nuff philosophy. now about style. This piece is for the most part well written. I hope to see more of your writing long into the future.

Take good care of yourself. Find a place you can just let the healing energy of the universe flow into you.

This is my place

a quietpool

Mo


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Review of My Mother's Poems  Open in new Window.
for entry "Evening Sky" Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
It is a rare poet who with a such few words transports the reader to another time and space. Her words are strung together, beads on the thread of time as it passes on a story of gale winds changing to gentle caresses of nights breath flavored with the soft sweet scent of flowers. It is now gentle enough to stir a candle flame for a moment but not strong enough to blow it out.

MO


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Review of Wedding in White  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting observations of what we sometimes misinterpret about love. I like this piece. You did very well. While the story could be made more colorful word painting by making every word as powerful as possible, it is an above average piece as is. But making us smell the flowers. and feel the energy when her eyes connect with a prominent piece of her past.

He needs A NAME the same one she whispered into her pillow all those sarnights. While this piece could expand considerably it is not necessary to have a fine story. When writing a short short it becomes all more important to use power words and images to paint your word pictures in the mind of your reader. Really great writing is savored again and again as unrelated sights sounds and smells stir the story in your memory bringing it to life again in your mind's eye.

Write and write some more. Ask questions on how to make good writing into excellent writing.


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Review of We Need Love!  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC, a place to share each others lives through our written words.

It will be tough to really give a nuts and bolts review without having some idea who is on the receiving end of the review.

I choose language, and make suggestions on the basis of expectations. I would not expect a 14 year old girl to perform at the same level as a PHD in English.

That is not to say ones feelings are more valid than the other.


If you write for catharsis you can still develop your native language skills as you go.

I am going to score you on the depth of your feelings and your efforts to share Them with your reader. In this case a 75 year old self taught writer who has learned what he knows by making mistakes. It takes writing again and again until your reader walks beside you through the world of your creation. If you really want that then you are on the right boat. Welcome aboard my young friend.

MO


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
You have a good start. I respectfully submit that this piece could be so much more. I am a person whose memories are cross linked with smells. Sometimes good, sometimes not.

In the Autumn you have a full palate of unequalled colors with which you can paint word pictures for your reader. Then comes smells, decaying leaves release a certain spicy odor depending where you are. Sassafras and sycamore lend a different fragrance than do elm and cottonwood or the plethora of different kinds of oak. By sharing those smells you can take your reader right with you to enjoy your world. Cut wood, even trimmed branches release another dimension.

Each type of tree releases its own blend of smells when itacial. Each kind of wood gives off its own combination of warmth and light complete with its own set of pops and crackles as it burns whether leaves, or cut wood or branches. I think Fireplaces are wonderful and put us in touch with a simpler side of ourselves, back when being warm enough was the most important, not a storm of expectations for tomorrow.

You mentioned yard work with grandpa. If you ever bagged leaves than you know the textures vary from tree to tree and leaf to leaf.

In poetry there are few words to spare, requiring judicious use of power words to leave an exact copy of your mental picture with your reader.

My best to you
MO


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Your great idea lacks the ability to paint the word pictures that are so clearly in your mind, onto the surface of the mind of your readers.

I have very little information about you. I'm not sure what to expect from you. It really doesn't matter where you are in the hierarchy of WDC. We all share the drive to write.

It sometimes takes a long lifetime to define what should be written. In other instances amazing things burst forth from the mouth of a child.

No one here has a monopoly on anything. I will try to help you any way that I can. There may be generation gap problems. I am 75 years old. Mostly self taught so I have definite opinions on how to write. Remember the final goal is for your word picture to land where you want it. Between the ears of your reader.

My best to you my young friend, If you think I can help, I will. If not I won't be offended.

Great writing begins with one single word.

MO


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem is a rare find. It is so good that I really can't critique it. I love it.

All combat veterans share in the legacy of the first brave men who drove Mighty England, back to the sea.

The goals were clear then. First and foremost was the will to survive. Then personal goals, less taxes, FREEDOM (elusive at best then and now.)

Present survivors of the war we have going on now return home to a different set of problems than soldiers of old who understood WHY they were there. Through the years that answer has faded from sight. It becomes more about surviving in a world that does not wear uniforms to identify themselves. The bomb that kills you might be delivered by an unsuspecting child.

Nothing is taboo, anything goes for them but we have to play by the absurd rules of those who can't ever understand. We also have cultural values that determine the limits of behavior. Fine in theory and different when your closest friends are dying in your arms, perspective changes, frequently at the cost of mental health problems.

When I came home from the far east, I had gotten around far more than you would think, I was sad to realize that all cultures do not place the same value on life. That sad fact alone allows bombers in our midst.

I cry in anguish, watch out my window on the world and ask when will man finally realize there is a better way.


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I personally as a 75 year old, old fashioned, self educated, struggling writer, have a different way of writing a story. Not saying the DeBowen writing system won't work it just is not the way I write. It is kind of you to share it with beginners. Everyone needs a boost over that first big hump.

I think being very familiar with the setting, either through first hand experience, or exhaustive research is necessary to let an author write about something very familiar. Know your setting, know your subject, and know how people are going to react.

There is an old saying, if you don't have your readers' attention by the end of your first paragraph it's over.

I rely on rough outlines, giving me room to follow my muse down diffrent paths that end up with the same conclusion.

Sometimes the first couple lines pop into my head and I write them down. Then I explore what kind of story should follow.

The opening and the closing are to me the most important parts of a story. All the rest is to drag your reader along on the journey in between.

I have had a story do a flip on me and I wind up starting in a different place and use flashbacks to fill in the back story. I rely heavily on sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch to get my message across. I want my reader to be ight beside me as we experience the story.

All this comes after 65 years of writing. I started at 10 and will probably have a few unfinished works on my computer when my end comes. I would not share this with a beginner, it might scare them away from their desire to write.

Thank you for sharing the DeBowen writing system with us. I wonder if the book which began:
"It was the best of times, It was the worst of times." used that system??


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I started to try to review part 2, but decided that would be sort of like trying to tie a neat knot in the middle of a rope. Let me introduce myself, I am 75 years old and somewhat opinionated, I read a lot because I can learn from that.

Your dialog is good, but it can't carry the whole story.

I think it would be helpful for you to give us a clear location, and time period for this story.

There are quite detailed satellite maps which help you to get the lay of the land where you set this story. You can literally fly low enough over the land to pick out details. (house) (bushes) (a tree) or a forest.

You have a knack for dialog, but I think it would also be good to let your readers feel the icy fingers of the winter probing through the characters' garments. I spent nearly 20 years in the vacinity of Scotts Bluff Nebraska. There are some really good pictures available to look at on line.

All bluffs have a few things in common. A steep side (usually a cliff) certainly not something to attempt to ride over horseback in the middle of winter. In the next portion you state "Then they came to a large bluff that folded into the sky and dove under the ground." That is incongruous with a bluff. It rises to the sky, but definitly stops at the level of the ground. You could say something like a wall of white from the ground to the sky.

I would recommend using feeling words, bite of the wind, sting of the tiny sharp crystals of ice (snow) blowing in the wind.

I recommend taking the time to make yourself a rough map of where your story starts, and where it goes. It wouldn't hurt to contrast the warm comfort of the home they left. Why are they out in the awful weather? It helps your reader understandr character's motivation. You don't have to adhere to a strict outline. But it really helps to have a good idea where you are going. Sometimes inspiration takes us on little side trips, That is OK too. You can always trim when you edit, or you can flesh out parts of the story that seem too thin.

I would say that you have as good beginning, but that is all, just a very start of a story.

You need to decide is this the beginning of a book? A novella, or a short story?

Some short stories are very short (but require special attention to using words with lots of punch. Some are as long as 50 pages. You have more room in a longer story to explore what your characters are thinking and feeling both emotionally and physically.

A book takes time, researc, planning and lots of work. I've spent years on my latest project.
Sometimes I get so frustrated because my characters arent sharing there story with me, other times they won't shut up and let me sleep.

I want to welcome you to the world of Writing.com. There is a banquet here, some entre's taste better than others. You don't have to eat it all at once. Take what you arecomfortable with.

Use what you learn and Write. I'd like to say I write every day, Lord knows I should if I ever expect to finish the four books which I have started. But sometimes the well inside is dry and refuses to flow. All you can do then is be patient with yourself and when you wake up with another piece of the story, get up and write it. A t least a rough draft, if you don't you can lose it.

Take care, ask questions and keep writing.


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Review of If not for you  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.5)
Have you written music for this? Great lyrics require close attention to the natural flow, or meter of the words. Your less than perfect choice of words (suffice) rather than another 2 syllable word like (fulfill) left me cold. Too bad you couldn't use {satisfy) but that would require a restructure of several lines.

Your thoughts are valid and carry a message. Do you have a Thesaurus? I use one frequently It helps me find words which mean what i want to say and have the right meter to fit.

I would encourage you to write more and more. I find that taking out something I jotted down quickly and stored away, looking at it closely at a later date gives the opportunity to tune it so to speak. Lyrics are for the ear, and the mind.

Thank you for the opportunity to put in my 2 cents worth. Hope it helps, if not ignore it and keep on writing. Practice makes perfect. I'm 75 and I havent reached that yet. LOL


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Interesting. Well written. Was this piece written with a word limit in mind?

I'm looking at it closely for the third time. A couple places I would tighten it up a bit.

(I've never seen a ghost, but I have encountered one. Of that, I am surer than sure.

Here's what happened.

Okay, wait. First, I need to share what happened that led up to what happened. )

I would lose this opening, and launch directly into the back story. Since the key place is the River House, You could include more description (how the house sounded, Old houses have unique sounds, especially in the wind.)

Having your readers share your expierence is what I think you were shooting for?

Perhaps Sharing the physical and mental terror that you felt at the encounter, using feeling words and phrases would help your readers experience what you did at that time. In my experience, It is somewhat difficult to share such an experience. That requires you to re experience those moments.
It takes a lot of courage to strip away the cushion of time and re-enter the zone of the paranormal. Did you hear anything, Did the Ghost chastize you for being there?

I suspect that the door to the attic had special properties which shut off the access that the spirit had between it's world and your world. Just a thought! Is the house still there?

I hope you don't think I'm pushing any agenda upon you. I think this story could be fantastic rather than "good"

I enjoyed reviewing this piece and allowing my mind to drift past the portal to the other side.

Thank you


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Very Good imagery excellent, rhyme over all just beautiful.

Personally, I would look at the last two lines. The rhyme is good but they are just don't blend
as well as the preceding lines. We all do things at times to maintain meter that make the flow
of ideas, or word pictures a bit less than perfect.

I really like your poems. I recommend that you take a long look at how to convey the feeling
that evening brings to you. The words "make me whole" imply a brokenness and do not follow
the emptiness ... not planned. Do we have the ability to plan our feelings, or whether our cup
comes up less full than we would have liked.

I know much of my work is (LESS THAN WHAT I WANT IT TO BE) I'm able to see other
peoples work, much better than my own work. I think the word to describe this is MYOPIC,
Up close the tiny pieces come into focus, but the step back to see the whole sometimes looses
focus.

A little thought and work on the ideas here finished with your usual polish will make this piece a
five star. Again that is just my opinion.

I haven't written much in the last two years. If you want to offer your input on what's in my port it
will be older work. I am 72 almost 73 and the more I look at what I know the more painfully aware
I am of just how insignificant my knowledge really is.

Thank you for the opportunity to review this wonderful piece.

Mo


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
If only it weren't for ****.


I feel the pain in this piece. Would it suddenly be elevated to a masterpiece, if it were written in brains splattered on a wall?
If you check out those around you here at WDC you will find a large majority of the writers share one common thing. We are not strangers to excruciating pain, our own or the pain of others. That is what motivates many of us to write and sometimes dictates
word for word what winds up on the page. Sometimes it is a cry for help, but more often as we grow older it is a shout of triumph!
Just look what we have survived, All of us are broken to some degree, but here is where we learn to paste ourselves together into something we never could have imagined possible. It is a do it by oneself thing, it has to be so because no one else knows where the pieces go. There is a lot of help here, when something is too heavy to carry alone, there is a helping hand. You still have to choose where to put it, but you do not carry the burden alone.

How do I put into words, all those things which have shredded my soul for so many years?

Read the cries of strangers lost in the same wilderness of despair. Then when you see progress, ASK. Show me, tell me, help me, but you always must remember you must place each block of your new found fortress against the pain of the world. No one else can do it for you, because it would fall apart under the construction of another's hand.

When you suddenly find a lifeline hanging in front of you, grasp it with both hands, Use it to climb out of the pit, but remember it is by your strength alone that you climb one small step at a time. Use the guidance of those who have climbed this rope before you,
and rely on the new found strength of the one who sends aid when we finally remember to ask for help, but it is by your own sweat that you are set free.

No one else really matters, you are your own judge and jury my friend, Only you can set yourself free.

The sun will rise tomorrow, it will be spectacular if you choose to see it.

One old Man Known as

Mo


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Review of Rainstorm  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the idea behind this story. It is well worded and relatively free of grammatical errors. I find two major problems. This entire story is rather dry, lifeless compared to what it could be. You made a common mistake, the whole thing is told, very little show. You drove through magic lands where the wind whispers celestial secrets if you listen carefully. The storms rage with a primordial fury for each comes from the source of life itself.

To make this piece more interesting would take a little thought, a little time, and reaching inside where your feelings live.

I know the storm touched you, or you would not have written about it. Please share your feelings with me. Lightning produces lots of ozone and a huge electrical field, which in places if you're too close to the point of the next strike it can raise your hair.

Even though you might be miles away, the electrical field passes over under around and through you. It soundlessly tickles your senses like no other thing.

Now about bringing this piece more life. I know that words passed between you two. Some you laughed at. some voiced thoughts of the unknown life that lay down the road. You must have had mixed emotions about leaving home and traveling most of the way across this land to a new home you never saw before.

Sometimes a single word in a conversation unlocks a door to a place that you share with your reader. It does not take pages and pages to grasp your reader and share this experience with them it takes making them empathize with you.

This may seem like a strange review because there are no corrections, only food for your writers imagination.

You have the desire, you have most of the tools, let yourself run free across the pages holding your readers hand. There are so many long forgotten sights sounds and smells with which to bring your story to life.

Do you remember the hot sauce on the counter in the cafe, even though you were just getting a bite of breakfast?

Please keep writing. You have the raw materials of a writer. Open your inner feelings, share them with your readers. Think about what I have suggested and your efforts will make something grow that you never imagined.

Just Old
Mo
Man in Window

You can peer through the window of my soul.
How about letting me look through yours?


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Review of LINES  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hey you did good, painting a word picture that reminds me of the person who did all the cross hatch patterns that separate the parts in engineering drawings and relief cutaways. That was back in BC (Before Computer Assisted Drawing programs)

I like your efforts.

The tense monster bit you here. The rhythm of its silence, create a melody in a distance. The subject Rhythm is singular and the verb create is plural If you make rhythm into rhythms or change create into creates they will agree.

I wonder, if my pencil wouldn't be tired dancing along with my fingertips. wouldn't implies future like something has not yet happened.
isn't tired after dancing

In lines, end lines. (AN IDEA) begin lines end lines...just to create more lines... You may have a better way to do this that preserves the sound for which you started to write the music.
Just to create LINES

Great idea, good sounds, well executed except for the trivial things I mentioned. Hope this helps.

Mo


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Review of CLOUD 13  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Dear Dark Ink,

If you fill out your bio you give your reviewers a fighting chance to be fair. Here at WDC we have one of the most diverse groups you can imagine. We live on different continents, have different first languages, educational backgrounds and culture. In spite of all that we do our level best to be helpful, and fair. We use a 5 star rating which must be a one size fits all unless we have information about the author.

I see that this is version 4 of this piece. Looking at it tells me that you could use some tools to help you.
The Grammar Bee Series Open in new Window. (E)
Welcome, grasshoppers, to the Honeycomb!
#1733489 by PatrickB Author IconMail Icon
is an excellent place to start.

Amazon has great reference books and used texts from high school and college which will allow you to improve in direct proportion to how hard you are willing to work. look up Merriam Webster on Amazon you will find a huge variety of reasonably priced books.

When I got back into writing I was given a Merriam Webster desk reference set as a gift. The paperback abridged set costs $9.98 plus shipping. My collection includes shelves of books that I have collected. Funny as I became familiar with them I use them more and more.

I am 72 and for the most part in a continuing process of self education.

Now I am going to make a suggestion. Put your book on the back burner. A great way to learn is contests. You are assured of getting reviews from the judge, or judges. If you start with short stories from 1000 to 2000 words you will have the opportunity to learn rapidly by doing, and I assure you the mistakes will be pointed out in helpful ways.

When writing a piece of any length it is essential to get your reader's attention with your opening line. My favorite two openings are "It was the best of times and the worst of times." and "It was the winter of our discontent." I reread those two books at least once a year. The authors take the readers by the hand and lead them exactly where they must be to live the stories.

A word about parts of a sentence and parts of speech. Before seriously attempting to write anything of worth these building blocks must become your favorite tools.

Your job as author is to make your reader see, hear, smell, taste and feel the story that you have in your mind. First thing, make a few notes indicating to yourself exactly what you have to show your readers to make reading your work one of those that doesn't get put down until it is finished.

You know more about your stories than any other person. The information in your imagination must become part of your readers imagination too.

I hope to see a completed bio next time I check your port, And short stories as you can write them for the practice you need.

I won't pick your work apart and show you defects and how to correct them until I know you better and just what needs you have to be a successful writer. This piece is an average attempt, all things considered for now.

Catch you later my young friend

Just old Mo


Native American This is my muse "Two Feathers"


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96
96
Review of Winter Fade  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
I don't understand this piece. What does it have to do with a Kaleidoscope?

Your form and structure follow your announced pattern, but to me meaning and shades thereof have a direct bearing on a poem.

Writing is supposed to convey a message whether it is a slogan, a story, a book, or yes a poem

Your metaphor is about flowers? Compared with broken shards of glass?

The tinctures of decay must now compete
with prismatic changes that will surpass
their fading palette of shades of concrete.

Again the stone butterfly sits on a flower crushing it into shades of concrete?

And I wonder what does this whole thing have to do with the Prompt Kaleidoscope?

Perhaps your very vague reference to broken shards of glass was supposed to somehow refer to a Kaleidoscope? That is a huge stretch of the concept of poetic license? Would that then be extendable to others or is it exclusively the product of your personal cloud of Dope Smoke?

Can a poem that in perfect formatted structure that describers silken strands of ebony referring to the hair of a girl be then construed to fit a prompt about night just because ebony is black? Hmm I wonder?

Mo

I am hard pressed to score this. What criterion should be used?

I think I'll use "following the prompt!


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97
97
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This Review is to encourage your writing. I like the straightforward style, and familiarity you have with the subject matter.

Like all writers another pair of eyes picks up on things which are all too easy for an author to miss because they know the story which is written on the big screen of their mind. Your reader is only privy to what you show and tell them. Conversation is a tried and true method of showing rather than telling.

Things that could be improved.

In 1986 the small City of Goose Creek was on the rise. The land clearing for progress drove the native wildlife into an unfamiliar civilized world. It was my position as Animal Control Officer ????Did you leave out the word respond???? to all types of animals and related complaints and it was a position that I found exciting. At that time, I boasted that I was the only female who would respond to reptile complaints in other jurisdictions. I also answered livestock calls from other departments. I knew how to deal with most farm animals and I possessed a sturdy horse trailer. I weighed less than one hundred pounds and I was fearless.

There are eight I's in the first paragraph. This makes it seem as if you are extremely self centered Which I know is not the case!

How do we get rid of some I's and still tell your story? The first sentence gives a setting and the foundation for conflict. It is marvelous!

My idea of how to rewrite this paragraph would be: It is the duty of Animal Control Officer to respond to all types of animal related complaints.It is an exciting and rewarding position for the only female who would respond to reptile complaints in other jurisdictions and livestock calls from other departments. It required knowledge of how to deal with most farm animals and have a sturdy horse trailer. Even though I weighed less than one hundred pounds I possessed both plus and was afraid of nothing.

Let me know what your reaction is. Could be we could work together for both of our benefit.


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98
98
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Whispers Of The Soul: Group & ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I hope this place lives up to my expectations. I am not into the 1100 forms of poetry. That does not mean I do not appreciate them but I write what comes bubbling out from my heart. I am 72, and feel there is not time to do everything I want to do, so some selectivity is necessary.

99
99
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
The examples are not necessarily great, they are provided for the purpose of showing a different way of communicating your story.

You Cut Off His What?
Your opening was very good.


On my night shift, I stayed alone with sick and post surgery animals; I kept the IV pumps working, injected morphine into whoever needed it. A lot of the healing process was bonding with them.and talkedTalking to them, saying, “You’re a good dog. We’ll have you out of here in no time.” We did have a high survival rate, anconsidering that we only took in animals on their vet’s referral. So for most of the dogs and cats, their lives hung in the balance. Dr. Henri, a Board Certified Veterinary Surgeon,ran a tight ship.he operated exactly like a human surgeon would.I made sure everything was ready for the surgery in the morning and the surgery suite was perfectly sanitized. Dr. Henri wasted no time and had to plunge right into his morning surgery, so I had better have everything perfect.

These paragraphs were very good!


I made sure everything was ready for the surgery in the morning and the surgery suite was perfectly sanitized. Dr. Henri operated exactly like a human surgeon would. That is one of the many things that gave our clinic such a high recovery rate. Dr. Henri wasted no time and had to plunge right into his morning surgery, so I had better have everything ready.
I moved this and incorporated it into a previous paragraph
I didn’t go in to work until six o’clock in the afternoon, but called a busy,line as usual,I finally reached Cherry to find out how Taz was recovering. She said, “I really can’t talk right now. You’ll have to see when you get here, but he is still alive and in good spirits. Just see for yourself this afternoon.”


Okay, now I can drive in to work. I couldn’t wait to see Taz and wondered if he would eventually be put down. I guess I’d have to see for myself and count on Dr. Henri’s judgment. I was betting on Henri.
You swapped verb tense twice, If you want this to be thoughts it should be in italics

Your ending is great.

Keep up the good work, Why is it easier to see ways of improving someone else's work and difficult to see the places to improve my own work? LOL

a quietpool


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100
100
Review of Losing you  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC. We come from all continents, from diverse cultures, with different educations and vary in age from 9 to 93. One thing we all have in common is to become the best writer we can possibly become. We all start from where we are and progress in direct proportion to how hard we are willing to work.

I don't know if you are aware of it but poetry predates the written word. No wonder that poetry just cries to be read aloud. A good litmus test is how does the poem feel tumbling off your tongue.I am 72 and I still remember an English TA from my freshman year who said "Poetry is like wine, it can be sour or it can be sweet, but it always lingers on the tongue. I too am still in the process of learning.

This is a return review. You have some really good very poetic thoughts but they are rough as gravel, I will try to help you make them smooth.

Poetry is one of the oldest means of communicating the feelings inside predates written language. It surely lends itself to a symbiotic relationship with the human voice. I was inspired by an English TA who shone on us all with the warm light of appreciation for poetry. I never really got into forms but I learned to appreciate the sound and the flow of words and ideas. When it is a struggle to rhyme try different word order, then you wind up with another whole set of words with which you can work. All too frequently sound, flow and meaning are sacrificed on the altar of rhyme and form.

English is a language rich with ways of expressing meaning in many ways with different meter and rhyme, or in the case of free verse, different sounds and flow.

You have a collection of beautiful words. Think about a string of pearls..they are not randomly strung, color and size and luster are used in choosing order.

So I will mark up your poem? It will be when I finish. My way is different but not necessarily better or worse. Its purpose is to stimulate your thoughts.

Poetry is like any other form of written communication. It is intended to communicate

Layout, line breaks, spacing, use of capital letters and punctuation can all be used to your advantage in a poem.

Of all the things I have miss in life, I miss or I have missed

noting can be worse then the thought of losing you. since this line completes a thought from the previous line it is not essential to use a capital to start this now broken line. we break it because even though it completes the previous line it is another pearl (so to speak)

That reality would be a never ending lingering hurtful memory. this line does not connect the previous with the line following Try something likeis

Now you need more than a line break Time for a new stanza


What have I done to lose such a placeyou?
to receive silence from you without words or even a simple touch by you.
I am banished to silence{/c
Without word or touch
I have fallen from your grace
Lost your embrace

NEW STANZA

Lose the long lines Remember Pearls on a string connected by your chosen theme
MAKE SMOOTH TRANSITIONS ie carefully choose your words and phrases like pearls by color, luster, shape and size.

I will let you try again.. When you get to a place where you want more review from me. I'll be there for you.


From your soft heart I have fallen away I have lost your warm embrace, caring thoughts and your loving patience.

My own yoke takes me far from you'rethis is the contraction you are grace.

Why did I go astray? I scarcely know of the revealing truth.

Can love be pieced together if half of the cloth is old and the needle is rusty and the remaining thread is also old?

I know hope can accomplish great worth. The cruelty of sins only guarantees a living death

A voice of dreadful history can serve no purpose to an ear that doesn't not want to hear anymore.

But please let the sweet notes of my love song fall upon your soul so I can yearn for some hope of possible kindness , a loving spirit and above all keep me from the ever growing shadows of darkness without you.


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