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1
1
Review of Halloween Meeting  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Rising Stars Member-to-Member Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Smile*



Overview:
*Noteb*This is an engaging Halloween story that describes an interesting encounter between a girl and a long-dead hero.*Noteb*


Story/Plot:
*Noteg*This short story is told in the third person, present tense. The main character prepares to “bring back” a legendary WWI-I aviator, who had a relationship with her great aunt. She goes to a field on a hill, arranges several special objects, and performs a ritual, which does indeed cause the aviator to appear. He is quite personable, and not upset at being “alive” again. After a nice little conversation, as morning approaches, he disappears, with the promise to meet again next year, and for years to come.
*Noteg*


My Favorite Part:
*Noter*The setting is well described, and the eeriness is palpable. It was interesting the way the author described the time as El Dia de los Muertos, The Day of the Dead. I think that gives the story a scary edge. Nice job. *Thumbsup*
*Noter*


Suggestions:

*Checkr*
Please take these suggestions as my opinion only. The grammar and sentence structure has many errors, but it is not beyond repair. I think a quick review of the standard rules of writing, grammar and sentence construction would go a long way toward improving this story. I will present just a few examples here:

Tonight is my only chance she thinks, as she walks down the path to the Somme River. Bringing with her all the things she'll need for her summoning attempt. Tonight is my only chance, she thinks, as she walks down the path to the Somme River, bringing with her all the things she'll need for her summoning attempt. Or, Tonight is my only chance, she thinks. She walks down the path to the Somme River, bringing with her all the things she'll need for her summoning attempt.

…alittle left of center… …a little left of center...

Upon which she places a white sugar skull with his name, next she lights the seven red candles and sprinkles some dirt from his original grave. Upon which she places a white sugar skull with his name. Next, she lights the seven red candles and sprinkles some dirt from his original grave.

Minutes turn to what seems to eternity, and when she finally dares to look up because all but two of the candles have flickered out unexpectedly. This is a bit awkward, and I’m not sure what is being said here. Perhaps the author means: …Minutes turn to what seems like eternity. She finally dares to look up, and all but two of the candles were flickering out unexpectedly. Remember to pay attention to consistency with the present tense.

She's not as beautiful as Evelyn he muses as she lays on the ground starring at the stars above but he can see the resemblance. She's not as beautiful as Evelyn, he muses as she lays (lies?) on the ground staring at the stars above, but he can see the resemblance. Maybe consider separating this into two sentences: She's not as beautiful as Evelyn, he muses as she lays on the ground staring at the stars. But he can see the resemblance.
*Checkr*


Conclusion:
This is a wonderful short story that is perfect for the Halloween season! Well described and creatively illustrated. I thoroughly enjoyed it! I highly recommend reading it before we get too far past Halloween, or should I say, El Dia de los Muertos! *Smile*
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*


EarlyHours


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of George Loses It  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star*
A Dream Team Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Star*


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Overview:
*Noteb*I am reviewing this item because it was submitted for the "Dreamer's Sanctuary" Open in new Window.. It is a short story that uses both prompts. One prompt was a photo of a forest with deer, and the other prompt was the line, ""Go Ahead, Shoot Me!" *Noteb*


Story/Plot:
*Noteg*
George is an experienced hunter. In this story, he goes hunting for deer, and finds himself in a forest (as depicted in the photo prompt). Things get spooky as he starts to hear voices on the wind. He dismisses it as his imagination, but the voices persist. Eventually, the voices get remarkably real, so that George starts to question his sanity. One of the voices turns out to be a big buck, which brings in the other prompt. This all makes George question his sanity even more, and rightly so, because before long George totally loses it and ends up under psychiatric treatment.
*Noteg*


My Favorite Part:
*Noter*
I liked the way both prompts were brought in to the story. Also, I thought as a hunting story, there was a great twist, in that the hunter started to lose his mind. Nicely creative!
*Noter*


Suggestions:

*Checkr*
I have no major suggestions. There were a couple grammatical issues, and a few places where sentences were ended with double-punctuation (like !!), but otherwise it's pretty tightly written with nice setting development and good dialogue.
*Checkr*



Conclusion:
This is entertaining and fun to read. I like the creative twist on hunting. The prompts were used well.

Nice job, and thanks for sharing!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*


EarlyHours


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3
3
Review of Just shoot me  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)


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Given in the Spirit of Support and Encouragement

*Star*



Overview:
*Noteb*
I am reviewing this short story on behalf of the Dream Team, because it was listed as an entry in "Dreamer's Sanctuary" Open in new Window.. It is a humorous short story about the dreading of an event, and the courage involved in facing it. Sort of.
*Noteb*


Story/Plot:
*Noteg*
This story is told in the first-person point of view, primarily, but not totally, in present tense. The speaker dreads this day, but he (or she) goes through the normal daily motions, knowing what’s ahead and accepting the inevitability of it. Finally, the time comes, and the person bravely faces it.

Throughout the story, the reader is misdirected into suspecting that the person is about to be executed, and maybe to the person, who turns out to be a child, it is just as bad. The ending is a humorous twist, that I don’t want to give away here.
*Noteg*


My Favorite Part:
*Noter*
I loved the funny ending, because it was so unexpected. It also creatively incorporated the prompt, Go ahead and just shoot me, as part of the twist.
*Noter*

Suggestions:
*Checkr*
Most of the story is told from the present tense. But in the second paragraph, starting with the line, About an hour after lunch they came… it switches to past tense. I prefer consistency in this regard, but it is, of course, a matter of writer’s preference.
*Checkr*

Conclusion:
This is entertaining and well written. I thoroughly enjoyed it! *Smile*

Nice job, and thanks for sharing!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*


EarlyHours


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My review has been submitted for consideration
4
4
Review of Foggy Morning  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This is an interesting poem, that reads like a story, written by one of my favorite WDC authors, VictoriaMcCullough Author Icon. She perfectly describes a March day (which we happen to know from the description, is St. Patrick's Day). She reminisces about an old professor, and a friend (Fielding Dawson) who wrote to her for a decade. She skillfully relates the March weather and the dew to her memories of them. The image of postcards is incredibly effective at conveying the feeling of reminiscence. Nicely done here *Thumbsup*
*Noteb*

I noticed the use of the traditional Irish spelling for Shamrock, seamrog.


Conclusion:
*Noteg*
Very creative to write a poem in the stream-of-consciousness style of the poet/novelist Fielding Dawson, and put him into the poem as well. I don't know if this was on purpose or not.

Very engaging and thought provoking. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Nice job!
 *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*
*Pumpkin*

EarlyHours *Clock*

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5
5
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile*


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Overview:
*Noteb*This is an exceptionally cute short story about a typical Halloween evening in a typical neighborhood. But the unusual and colorful family from down the street makes this particular Halloween anything but typical. *Noteb*

Story/Plot:
*Noteg*
This Halloween story is told from the first person point of view. Or should I say, first ghoul point of view? It’s about an Addams-esque family, complete with a father that’s a ghoul, a mother that’s a vampire, and kids that are goblins, ghosts, and monsters. They are the perfect family to celebrate Halloween! They go trick-or-treating and fit right in with all the costumed people in the neighborhood. But, of course, they need no costumes.*Laugh* The evening starts off fine, but then the family goes to a party down the street. And, of course, it’s hard to cover up the fact that you’re really a family of ghouls. So, unfortunately, they leave and resume “hiding out” in their spooky house. But it reinforces for the dad that he’s got a great family with great kids. The all-American dream! (well, almost)
*Noteg*


My Favorite Part:
*Noter*
I really liked this: They have a great time turning little trick-or-treaters into frogs and other slimy creatures, but it’s all in good fun and the spells wear-off after a little while. I wish I could do this! After being turned into frogs all throughout my own childhood, turn-about’s fair play!

I also liked the wife’s Transylvanian accent! *Laugh*
*Noter*


Comments:
*Pumpkin*
I think the story uses an interesting mix of tenses. The first part is in present tense, and skillfully so. I think first-person present tense is one of the hardest to write. The last part is in past tense, until the very end where there is a quick switch back to present, and then back to past tense for the last sentence. But it all sounds very natural, as the speaker tells a story within a story. The past tense part starts with I remember one year, it was deathly cold outside and raining black cats and dogs. There is consistency within the parts, which makes the tense changes very smooth, almost unnoticeable.

*Checkr*
My kids went beserk. I actually looked this up. Beserk is acceptable but berserk seems to be the preferred spelling.

…and how proud I was of everyone of them for coming to my defense… …and how proud I was of every one of them for coming to my defense…
*Checkr*


*Pumpkin*
Conclusion:
This is a perfect seasonal short story, and is great fun! Even though the characters are ghouls, they are quite festive, and obviously like a good time. This is humorous and entertaining, and highly recommended!

Nice job!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
6
6
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This is a cute little fairy tale, told in poetic rhyme, about a younger sister who was unable to court or marry until the older sister was married off. A classic theme, in Spain I think.

I really liked this stanza:
Her older sister was not as pretty
But, she was clever and she was witty..
People admired her beautiful hair.
She walked and talked with a delicate air,
But, all the men who would have kissed her
Fell in love with her younger sister.

In this stanza specifically, but really in the whole poem, the cadence is smooth and catchy. The rhymes work very well, and significantly add to the fun of the poem. The writer has obvious skills. Very nicely done! *Smile*
*Noteb*


Conclusion:
Engaging and enjoyable. A very creative way to tell a fairy tale. Well done!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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7
7
Review of free fall  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star*
Knight of the Review Table Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Star*


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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This is a wonderful little poem. It can actually be interpreted in at least two ways, and this is facilitated by the portions of the poem in the parentheses.

The first interpretation is literal: The speaker is skydiving, and leaps out into the great blue, with the air rushing past, and the gravity, and the sky. The other interpretation is more spiritual. Is it a leap of faith? If so, leaping into the unknown is the only way to answer the question, what if?
*Noteb*


This poem is expertly written and smoothly flowing. The author's skill is quite evident here.

Nice job, and welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*


EarlyHours *Clock*


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8
8
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This is an emotionally-charged poem about a lost love. The speaker recounts the loss of her lover. I assumed the speaker is a woman, even though the poem it itself not orientation-specific. The poem is well written and is consistent in its delivery, in that the stanzas' first lines make statements, which are then followed up by descriptions that reinforce the original ideas.

The author is skilled at conveying feelings and emotion. It is obvious that the speaker has ben hurt, and is having difficulty accepting it. She still has a "...void in my heart where he left me."
*Noteb*

I really liked these lines:
No more sweet dreams and good nights.
No more kisses and play fights.

I think this really shows the loss, and the emotion involved with missing even those seemingly insignificant memories. Nicely done here. *Thumbsup*

*Checkr*My only suggestion involves the spelling of "good bye." The convention is to spell it as one word, goodbye, but author preference and artistic license make it the author's decision.*Checkr*


Conclusion:
This poem is well written and flows easily and effortlessly. I enjoyed reading it, even though it was sad and evokes painful emotions.

Nice job and welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours *Clock*

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9
9
Review of Shining Star  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This is a sweet little poem. The speaker sits on a bench at the hospital, looking up at the sky. He or she sees a bright star that lights up the night. He wonders if the star represents his mother looking down on him. After finishing the poem, I wondered if his mother just passed in the hospital, explaining why he was sitting at the hospital in the first place.
*Noteb*

I really liked these lines:
That single bright star just lit up the sky,
Oh what a beautiful sight to see,
And to think that my mother was smiling down at me,
This is very expressive! *Thumbsup*


Conclusion:
This is well written and very satisfying. Highly recommended.

Nice job, and welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours *Clock*

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10
10
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This is a cute little poem that describes all of the animals the speaker (writer) sees throughout the year, as the seasons pass. During the winter, it's the bison and beavers; during spring, it's the geese. During the summer the animals are described as lying in the shade, because of the heat. Even the deer are included in this poem!

The poem reveals a person behind the words that loves his or her environment, as well as the wildlife it supports. The land is well described with words that create imagery, such as Out in the plains, covered in grass and Down in the wetlands, covered in snow. The poem flows easily with natural-sounding rhymes and cadence, and is a pleasure to read.
*Noteb*


Conclusion:
This is an enjoyable poem that is highly recommended!

Nice job, and welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours *Clock*

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11
11
Review of Winter Picture  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This poem is full of powerful imagery. It describes a beautifully serene scene involving a winter landscape. The absolute silence is well reinforced. It reminds me of a postcard, and is a nice way to welcome the approaching winter.

The writing is tight and the words flow naturally. Very well done.
*Noteb*

Thanks for sharing, and welcome to WDC!
*Smile*

EarlyHours

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12
12
Review of A Quiet Day  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS" Open in new Window. [E]! Feel free to check us out and find out our purpose on Writing.Com.

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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
Wow. This is a very expressive poem! From your "brief description," I understood that it was about a car wreck, but upon reading, the lines really hit me (so to speak).

The writing is very good in regard to imagery and description. For example, I really liked these lines:
Hazing my view of yellow lines.
Raindrops reflecting against the glass,
Swished away by whiping lines.


There is quite the dichotomy between the first half of the poem, and the second half. The first part tells about the crash, and the sounds and sights relating to that. The second part, I think, tells of recovering from the accident, with the person possibly extracting himself or herself from the wreck, and then being able to breathe air and see the sunlight.
*Noteb*


Conclusion:
I liked the way sights, sounds, and even smells (Fresh air filling my nostrils,), are described exceptionally well.

Nice job! *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

Welcome to WDC!

EarlyHours

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13
13
Review of Sicily  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star*
A Dream Team Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Star*


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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
I really enjoyed your poem about the land in Spring. At first, I didn't know that it was about the land, until you revealed it so skillfully in the seventh line. And your words are captivating and powerful. The descriptions work very well: flowing river, scented flower, enchantment, and inebriation... very well done. *Thumbsup*

One comment. In the last line, inpregnated of immortality. To me, it seems like it should say impregnated with immortality. Just my opinion.

I love the personification of the land in Spring. It almost makes me sad that it's going to have to eventually learn that winter will rear its ugly cold head soon enough! *Bigsmile*
*Noteb*

Nice job, and Welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*


EarlyHours


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14
14
Review of The Aviator  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Smile~Worldwide  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Bigsmile*
A Smile~Worldwide Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Bigsmile*


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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*This is an engaging little poem that describes the reminiscence of an old pilot. As a poem, it flows effortlessly, with keen alliteration and rhyme. And the natural pace of the piece works well as a means of telling the story. The pilot stays near his plane, and thinks back upon the time he had in the air. This is then contrasted with the feelings he gets now, as he ages and aches and faces his end.

I really liked these lines:
exhausted from living, he still flies alone,
like a broken down hero, he hangs up his coat, Excellent imagery!
*Noteb*


Conclusion:
This is very well written; it is tight and very expressive, as well as a bit sad. It is also very effective in eliciting emotion in the reader. Nicely done in this regard.

Very interesting, from both the poetic and story-telling point of view.

Good job, and Welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*


EarlyHours


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15
15
Review of Summer Day  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

*Star*
Knight of the Review Table Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Star*


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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This is an engaging little poem that seems to be about a beautiful summer day, complete with swimming, fishing and laughing. What could be better?

The imagery and the feelings evoked are very well written. For example, I really liked these lines, because they allow the reader to feel what's happening:

The ripples in the water,
The smell of clean air.
Chills on my skin,
Wind in my hair.

*Noteb*


Conclusion:
This author has obvious skills. By the time I was finished reading it, I wanted to go on a vacation. Seems just like magic. *Wink*

Nice job, and welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*


EarlyHours


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16
16
Review of A Passing Away  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star*
A Dream Team Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Star*


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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This is a short but thought-provoking little poem about what seems like the passing away of a loved one. It is (I think) told from the point of view of someone attending a funeral. He or she is in pain over the loss, and the chaos and darkness that triumphed in the death. The imagery is well done, and the reader can sense what it feels like to be in the cemetery. The philosophical ending fits well, with a reference to God welcoming the soul's return.

I really liked this expressive part:
A smiling priest,
Plays with his cross,
Mumbling a litany,
For a ruined soul.


I wasn't clear on whether the soul was going up to Heaven, or down to, well, the other place. By the end, I assumed it was Heaven, but there is reference to the sinful pride, a ruined soul, and the "one below," suggesting that the outcome for this soul is far from fully decided. By the end I think the issue is resolved with these lines:
As He welcomes,
A passing away.

*Noteb*


Conclusion:
Overall, this was tightly written and free of obvious errors. It was also very engaging and interesting.

Thanks for sharing, and welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*


EarlyHours


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17
17
Review of The Haunted Room  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This is a very short piece of fiction, that briefly introduces what sounds like a ghost story. Or certainly horror at the very least. A man (the stranger) comes into a hotel and attempts to rent a room. The owner tries to dissuade the stranger, but the man is persistent. The owner finally reveals the reason for his reluctance; the room is haunted.

The stranger is apparently okay with that, and the story suggests that he already knew about the room, and that's why he wanted it.
*Noteb*


Conclusion:
There is a lot of imagery and feeling packed into this short piece. The reader very quickly notes the scariness of the story, and gets an eerie feeling from the writing. Well done in this regard! *Thumbsup*

It does read like an introduction to a longer story. There are many questions to clear up, and as yet, there is no real beginning, middle and end. I encourage the author to pursue this and develop it into something longer and more complete. The writing itself is tight and expressive. The author has obvious talent.

Nice job, and welcome to WDC!

EarlyHours

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18
18
Review of My Poetic Mind  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This is an interesting little poem, that tries to evoke emotions in the reader. As such, it describes many different human emotions, and ties them in with mind, expressions, and places. Also, different aspects of emotions are brought in with descriptions such as: liberating, inspirational, timeless, and contagious.

I really liked this:
Or just wanting the words to touch you deep to your core.
A reaction that I feel all poetic minds adore. How true!

I was wondering, when you used the words, heart felt (twice), did you mean heartfelt? I suppose that either way could work, with "heart felt" being a noun-verb combo, and "heartfelt" being an adjective.
*Noteb*


Conclusion:
Very enjoyable and very engaging. Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

Nice job and welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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19
19
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*
This is a sample query letter for a 75,000 page novel. The first line attempts to "hook" the agent, and this is followed by a short summary of the book. The next two paragraphs are like a mini-synopsis of the story. The is no biographical information regarding the author, and the actual title of the book is not mentioned until the end of the letter.
*Noteb*


Conclusion:
I am no expert on query letters. It seems good, but I'm sure that an agent gets hundreds of "good" letters. You want yours to sparkle! Set it apart from all the others. While I don't have specific suggestions, because I have never written one of these before, I do know what would interest me and what would not. I think you need to put the title somewhere near the beginning, so it's not revealed like a big surprise or "aha!" moment. In the hook and synopsis, make the agent think this is the most refreshing piece of work she's ever going to read.


Thank you for sharing, and welcome to WDC!

EarlyHours

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20
20
Review of Up at the Cottage  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

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Overview/Summary:
*Noteb*This is a fun little poem, that for me, conjures up feelings and memories of a camping vacation. There is no indication of gender in the speaker, so for the purpose of this review, I'll use he or him to describe the speaker.

At first, I took the "seasonal insomnia" literally, and I thought this was going to be a depressing poem about a sleeping disorder. But I soon found out that this poem would be much more uplifting than that!

The speaker skillfully tells us about the reason he can't sleep. It's because he is out on a lakeside beach staring up at the night sky, and experiences all the sights, sounds, and smells that go along with camping. He can't sleep because he's having too much of a great time!

The descriptions are excellent. Dark skies dotted with stars, peaceful mountains, breathing lake, wood smoke, mosquito bites, marshmallows, and laughter. What could be better than that! Great imagery here. *Thumbsup*
*Noteb*


Conclusion:
*Noter*
Using the same stanza as the first and last stanzas does reinforce the theme about the insomnia, but I think I could have used another new stanza at the end to to keep the "story" interesting. But overall, this is a very enjoyable poem!
*Noter*


Nice job, and welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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21
21
Review of Abiku  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star*
A Simply Positive Newbie Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Star*


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Overview:
*Noteb*
This is a short story that tells of two discrete, but connected events. First, a man wakes up lost in the woods, and meets an unexpected end. Later in the piece, the man’s fiancé, who has now married another, gives birth to a baby. The story is loosely based on the Abiku superstition, involving “possession” of a child by a spirit, who drains health from that child in order for its kind to live.
*Noteb*



Story/Plot:
*Noteg*
A man wakes up in the forest, after a night with his buddies celebrating his bachelor party. He is filthy and lost, but eventually follows the sound of drums, and finds a camp with food displayed. Thinking it a hoax, he ate some food. To his surprise, he is caught by a group of scary characters in cloaks and African masks (could these be the embodiment of the Abiku spirits?). His life ends right there, after some thoughts of fear and regret, and also of his fiancé.

The next part of the story shows us Shola, the now married, ex-fiancé, giving birth to a baby. Apparently the baby was born prematurely, but even more worrisome to the superstitious mother, the baby has the same crescent-shaped birthmark as her old fiancé. Of course, this suggests “possession” of the baby with an Abiku spirit.
*Noteg*



My Favorite Part:
*Noter*
I liked the eerie feeling of the story, and the fine detail the author included, describing the forest and exactly what it felt like to wake up in. The imagery here was very well done *Thumbsup* I also found it very authentic when the baby was born prematurely, and therefore small, just as would be expected with an Akibu spirit on board.

I thought the spooky forest was a perfect setting for a story involving scary spirits. Even during the hospital scene, when everything seems safe to the reader, the author still makes those spirits scary! Uh, maybe I shouldn’t go to sleep tonight. *Wink*
*Noter*



Suggestions:

*Checkr*
Please take this suggestion as my opinion only. The only confusing part for me was at the very end. There is a reference regarding the man:…he'd kept his promise after all. I didn’t see any foreshadowing or previous mention of a promise. But otherwise, the writing is tight and of good quality.
*Checkr*



Conclusion:
This author displays obvious creativity, and uses authentic references to the Akibu superstition. The story was engaging and enjoyable to read. I would bet that this story will be especially popular as we draw closer to Halloween.


Nice job, and welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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22
22
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS" Open in new Window. [E]! Feel free to check us out and find out our purpose on Writing.Com.

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This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions, and only meant to be constructive. *Smile*

This is a short little essay, or editorial, on President Obama's speech regarding ending the military activity in Iraq. It reads like a school assignment, but it is hard to pinpoint the school level; I'm guessing sixth or seventh grade. It is obvious that this student watched the speech and formed opinions about the political situation.


A few suggestions:

In the "Brief Description," the part that appears just under the title in the heading, the word "teh" should be spelled "the."

It’s time for a change; he states “the future is ours to shape with confidence and commitment”. The punctuation probably should be: It’s time for a change," he states, “The future is ours to shape with confidence and commitment."

“A better life awaits anyone who is willing to work for it and reach for it”. “A better life awaits anyone who is willing to work for it and reach for it." [note the placement of that last period, outside the closing quotation mark.]

...get the Afghans together and to end the war quicker. I think this sounds better: ...get the Afghans together and to end the war more quickly.

What makes me disagree is that being a sister of a troop it makes it hard to watch them go and worry for their safety. I think this punctuation would be better: What makes me disagree, is that as a sister of a soldier, it makes it hard to watch them go, and I worry for their safety.


I think it's great that students are keeping abreast of world events, especially as they pertain to our country and our future. I think that this student, regardless of political views, should be encouraged to continue to get involved, express opinions, and write, write, write!

Nice job, and welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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23
23
Review of The Crimson Angel  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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This is a good start to a longer story. It is titled as Chapter One. As I read though it, it struck me that this was probably a draft, with a significant amount of revision in its future. And I really hope the author pursues this story, because it is rich in details and complex characters. The creativity of the author is on display, and is very impressive.

The main character is a hard-boiled cop/detective/assassin/sword smith/artist/writer. The reader can just imagine the complexity, so I think a longer piece of the story will ultimately be dedicated to developing this character.

The story, in its present form, is not an easy read. I would suggest breaking it up into paragraphs, and separating and punctuating the dialogue according to standard rules of writing. I think the item's general punctuation and overall sentence structure also needs to be revisited.

I think this is a great start! I hope the author keeps working on developing this exciting adventure!

Nice job, and welcome to WDC!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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24
24
Review of Goodbye  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

*Star*
A Simply Positive Newbie Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Star*


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Overview:
*Noteb*A short account of a relationship break up, from the perspective of the woman.*Noteb*


Story/Plot:
*Noteg*
The story is told in third person, past tense, from the perspective of a woman breaking up with her lover. It seems like this is just a small part of a longer story, which would have events leading up to this moment, as well as events happening after this moment. But it also stands up on its own, as a short story just the way it is.

The woman has decided that the relationship is merely physical (just their passion holding them together), which is not enough to ensure a lasting commitment. Even though she does the breaking-up, and he didn’t see it coming, she tells him that it would hurt her more than him. Maybe she is hyper-emotional. And in fact, he did take it pretty well, while she fell apart. Finally, she turns and walks away. One of the cleanest break-ups I’ve ever seen. Maybe this should be in the Fantasy genre (j/k) *Wink*.
*Noteg*


My Favorite Part:
*Noter*
The story was very well detailed. The author has good skills for drawing the reader into the scenes and having them see and feel what the characters experience.

I really liked this: Her chest ached and fingertips tingled with the notion that this would be the last time they would… The way the reader is shown what is happening, by revealing what the character is feeling, is very well done. *Thumbsup*
*Noter*


Suggestions:

*Checkr*
Please take these suggestions as my opinion only:

…this would be the last time they would feel the delicious warmth of his skin …this would be the last time she would feel the delicious warmth of his skin He still gets to feel it. *Wink*

Coming from opposite worlds, only their passion for each other uniting them. …only their passion for each other united them. Or, …with only their passion for each other uniting them.

"Look at me", he said, barely a breath. "Look at me," he said, barely a breath. [note comma placement inside quotation marks]

"I - I can't do this", her breath coming out… "I - I can't do this," her breath coming out… [same]

…she turned and walked alway, never looking back. ..she turned and walked away, never looking back.
*Checkr*


Conclusion:
This is a highly engaging short story about a very emotional event, breaking up. The detail of the writing and characterization of the main character is very good. The reader is drawn in early in the story and held firmly until the end. Or is it really the end?

Nice job, and welcome to WDC!
 *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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25
25
In affiliation with Smile~Worldwide  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Bigsmile*
A Smile~Worldwide Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Bigsmile*


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This is a cool little piece, with a surprising amount of feeling and emotion for a poem with only five short lines. There is action (running and searching), emotion (fear and happiness), and resolution (finding food for family).

I think there is wisdom reflected in the words, Happiness is within mind. That's true for the fox in the poem, and for humans alike. Very insightful and satisfying. *Thumbsup*

This poem is really well done, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Thanks for sharing, and welcome to WDC!

EarlyHours

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