Rising Stars Member-to-Member Review Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
Overview:
This is an engaging Halloween story that describes an interesting encounter between a girl and a long-dead hero.
Story/Plot:
This short story is told in the third person, present tense. The main character prepares to “bring back” a legendary WWI-I aviator, who had a relationship with her great aunt. She goes to a field on a hill, arranges several special objects, and performs a ritual, which does indeed cause the aviator to appear. He is quite personable, and not upset at being “alive” again. After a nice little conversation, as morning approaches, he disappears, with the promise to meet again next year, and for years to come.
My Favorite Part:
The setting is well described, and the eeriness is palpable. It was interesting the way the author described the time as El Dia de los Muertos, The Day of the Dead. I think that gives the story a scary edge. Nice job.
Suggestions:
Please take these suggestions as my opinion only. The grammar and sentence structure has many errors, but it is not beyond repair. I think a quick review of the standard rules of writing, grammar and sentence construction would go a long way toward improving this story. I will present just a few examples here:
Tonight is my only chance she thinks, as she walks down the path to the Somme River. Bringing with her all the things she'll need for her summoning attempt. Tonight is my only chance, she thinks, as she walks down the path to the Somme River, bringing with her all the things she'll need for her summoning attempt. Or, Tonight is my only chance, she thinks. She walks down the path to the Somme River, bringing with her all the things she'll need for her summoning attempt.
…alittle left of center… …a little left of center...
Upon which she places a white sugar skull with his name, next she lights the seven red candles and sprinkles some dirt from his original grave. Upon which she places a white sugar skull with his name. Next, she lights the seven red candles and sprinkles some dirt from his original grave.
Minutes turn to what seems to eternity, and when she finally dares to look up because all but two of the candles have flickered out unexpectedly. This is a bit awkward, and I’m not sure what is being said here. Perhaps the author means: …Minutes turn to what seems like eternity. She finally dares to look up, and all but two of the candles were flickering out unexpectedly. Remember to pay attention to consistency with the present tense.
She's not as beautiful as Evelyn he muses as she lays on the ground starring at the stars above but he can see the resemblance. She's not as beautiful as Evelyn, he muses as she lays (lies?) on the ground staring at the stars above, but he can see the resemblance. Maybe consider separating this into two sentences: She's not as beautiful as Evelyn, he muses as she lays on the ground staring at the stars. But he can see the resemblance.
Conclusion:
This is a wonderful short story that is perfect for the Halloween season! Well described and creatively illustrated. I thoroughly enjoyed it! I highly recommend reading it before we get too far past Halloween, or should I say, El Dia de los Muertos!
EarlyHours
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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