Hello
This was a very moving piece. Good on you to write something so lovely honoring these brave men!
I have not one thing to add to it. This was a simple, effective and, well, moving piece. I asked myself why it moved me so? And the answer was (Besides the fact that I have 3 brothers headed that way) it was humbling. If they can be so brave in the face of so much, why not I?
You really made me think with this one. Thank you
Erina
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Hello there
I like the imagery that you put in the poem! I think that it is a very....stark...picture of war and I appreciate the view! It felt like I was there with the person in the poem, right there with the bombs and the bodies and that is a very hard thing to do....great job!
Just a couple technical things I noticed:
I love when poems rhyme and it seems that you are going for that format. But sometimes the meter isn't always the same, it's almost there.....for example in the second stanza, the meter is a bit off, a couple extra/less syllables here or there.
Also, I was confused about a couple word choices...for example "Are great crusade" or "Our great crusade" ? "There dead bodies I stand atop" or "There's dead bodies I..."
I really liked this though, it is very truthful. Thank you for sharing, and as always, these are only my opinions and not to be taken as written in stone. Have a great one!
Erina
Your history is accurate. I don't understand the game part at all, so cannot comment on that, sorry. As to your references, so far as I can tell they seem to be ok. I think I will check out Breuer's book, sounds very interesting. Thanks for sharing....Erina
Thank you so much for sharing. I was in school when he was sworn in, and we all stopped lecture to watch the event. We can safely say that we just witnessed history. I am with you when you say if you can't respect the man, at least respect the office and I agree that was not so hot.....I don't know how well he will do, but he has already done something. He has given us hope. In a movie, it says, hope guides us. Well, may we all have a chance to be guided well. To the United States. Truly United.
Bravo
When I saw the title I was like.....eh, I don't know about this, but as it may become clear to this website, I have an insatiable curiosity and on reading this, was I surprised. You have a mature, authentic and honest way of expressing yourself. You are fair both to yourself and to God and you are human but respectful while being very honest with your feelings. This is a great opinion piece, in my opinion, and brave to write about as it is a very personal subject. Thank you for sharing, hope you have fun on the site!
Best Wishes and Healing
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Hey there
So I like the story, and I'm confused by it at the same time, lol....
First I like the way you went back and forth between the time of the battle and the salad shop. That can be hard to do but you did it and well so that with dialogue it built complex emotion in real time. I also liked the emotions that played through here, it showed what the characters were thinking, what they were feeling and etc. That was really good. I also liked the flow of the story, read like a true story, not sure if it is, and I was right there in the middle of it.
The parts the confused me were the characters really. I mean I have the girl character in my head, I know her. But the men are shadowy and....not inconsistent....but intangible. It could be that you meant for this, but at least for a reader to track it helps if one of the "men" characters, so perhaps the Gloom character, is strongly portrayed for balance against the strongly portrayed girl/woman in the story. I hope this makes sense....It sounds like these are special ops guys, from the beret comment and the fact that they are working as a small army by themselves, and that's really cool, I think those guys rock. But one of them is going to have to be a clearly portrayed protagonist and come out of the dark shadows a bit. For me, which isn't to say that it should be that way. But for my own curiosity, yeah, would love to know them/one of them a bit more.
The other thing that might help lessen confusion is a geographical setting (I wasn't clear if being Russian was a good thing or a bad thing because I wasn't sure who the mission was against or in what time frame, and allegiances change all the time....) and a time setting.
And then one other thing, just from a reading standpoint, is description of the environment. It was hot, but was it a jungle or a desert or ????? Nosy things that readers like to know.
So I hope that you take this with a grain of salt, not trying to be hurtful in anyway, its just that this story is evocative and its piqued my interest and now I have all these questions.....thanks so much for sharing. Its a very special story.
Erina
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Hello there
I really enjoyed your poem. It has a nice meter that reminded me of riding my horse at a canter, which I thought was appropriate because this is an outlaw type thing. Very fitting, to me. I really liked the moral back and forth you illustrated, how in real life when you are trying to get justice, there is so much to think about, knowing there will be a consequence to bear one way or the other, and what is the lesser of two evils for the character? This is a really nice portrait and spot on emotionally.
There were a couple things that struck me when I read it aloud. This is simply my opinion and not mean to be discouraging at all, I think this is a noble piece. So please take with a grain of salt and know it was kindly meant :)
The pain is too much too bear (I think should should be "too much to bear)
What then (might be useful with a question mark, so "What then? Will she shoot him in the heart, or do what is smart?"
"Let the man live and have justice come to him,
A force to come and tear him limb from limb"
I know what you are saying here and I like it.....I wonder if there is another to form this so that you don't keep bumping up against the word "to". When I read the poem aloud, constantly saying "to" hurt the flow a bit, at least for myself.
So that's all for me, have fun writing and I look forward to reading more of your work,
I liked this one..........how fun was this and how true.....So what happens next?
This was a truth in the telling poem, it set the tone and the mood and I think that this one should be sent to publish...I know that there are several farmers who would get a kick out of it. Good luck with this one!
I think this was interesting. It was interesting because there are very few poetic or literature works that are from a perspective of the animal about which this event takes place. You have set the scene in one line, which I thought was great. I was able to immediately realize that this poem was from the doggies perspective and there was no confusion as the poem went along....I really appreciated that. What a fun read :)
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