Very thought-provoking, Reads very well. Love the hidden line in each stanza that makes the last one a picture in itself.
It would appear that the true hidden message is what hard times could feel like, and probably does to many.
Well, this review certainly shines a light on a writer worth reading. Your words tell a story without even knowing what the story is truly about, because it has no title, and no author attached, just one line: The story centers on a young love that began in childhood and continues to grow with time. Congrats on hooking every reader to this entry in "My Private Whispers and Light Blog"
It takes a lot of courage to break free from a mould you do not fit into. Congratulations on your achievement of breaking free, and may your days ahead be full of new experiences and a multitude of joyful adventures.
There are many old windmills, and they are irregularly perfect as they were hand-constructed by locals many years ago.
I have seen big ones and small ones, but it is good that you shared your experience with your daughter, and she captured a lasting memory for you both.
Coming in at chapter 22 certainly does help my cause for the story plot, however, this chapter is filled with mystery and drama. The dialogue is impactful, and the description of the scene is very real. The characters that were a part of this chapter are well done and provide a good sense of what has happened in the past, and what is yet to come.
The large clock on the wall of ^ school hall struck ten, the sound heavy and final in the humid July air.
^ add word [the]The Kitchen staff retreated to the warmth of their kitchen where the smell of steaming cabbage filled the air.
- I don't believe the double use of kitchen in this sentence is required.
It had snapped in two.The protection spell had held her own ground, but the school was fracturing.
- missing a space
Your story is one of many. You have started your recovery process, and it is good for you to remember what was, how it transpired, and what became the biggest obstacle in your life. Writing is an excellent form of therapy, as not only do you release your emotions, but it also allows you to release the mind, body, and soul of conflict and frees the spirit to move forward. I wish you much success in your recovery process.
Note: Due to the content of your writing, your access restrictions should be marked as ASR [adult supervision recommended]
Some corrections for you:
Three weeks after thatIIwas in treatment or rehab if you want to be rude about it.- remove the second [ I ]
Anyways that's almost too much to put in here ^ but I'm trying to really ^ a picture here.
^ comma after [here]
^ add word [paint]
It's how the more I write about my past ^ the moreII remember.
^ comma after [past]
- remove the second [ I ]
Anyways back to the story, my dad's funeral was an open casket ^and he didn't look like him, IIwas walked over and expected to grieve over a man II didn't recognize.
^ comma after [casket]
- add a period after [him]
- remove the second [ I ]
May I also suggest:
- That you form paragraphs and place a line space between.
- There are several instances where a space is required between sentences.
- There are several other instances where a comma should be placed.
- The above 3 suggestions would make for a much more enjoyable read.
Congratulations on your 1-year at WdC achievement. I am thrilled for you that your items have been read and reviewed by many on the site. May the pleasure of writing stay with you in the years ahead, and one day you will look back and thank yourself that you did. This year, I will be celebrating my 25th, and to be honest, this place never gets old, but always feels like home.
P.S you wanted a contest suggestion. Here is one for you: "March Tales Contest"
Welcome to WdC and congrats on writing your first piece.
While fear is a deterrent, guilt can be as well. And as such, we are our own worst enemy.
As you have marked this item a draft, I offer the following suggestions:
This item would be better suited with a font of at least 13 pt, but could be 14pt, or 15 pt.
The list below shows many instances of not putting a space after the comma. While the item is readable, it makes it appear like a run-on sentence with no breaks.
skills,the
knowledge,the
zone,fear
ourselves,and
courageous,taking
it,you
you,go
way,retake
you,what
yourself,what
future,your
This made me laugh - Thank you. But I also thought, what the heck. And then I saw the word Widow and I'm guessing this is in reference to a spider as she makes her web to catch her mate and kill him dead. Very cleverly done.
So many animals, all shapes and sizes and colours. But oh, the daily chores must be immense to keep up with them all and the acreage that you have. But you have beautiful sunsets to watch as the day ends. Thanks for letting me visit.
You displayed the emotion of a demon coming full circle in an interesting and complicated way. Your use of description was clear and revealed a good visual. The story was captivating and required itself to be read. Nicely done
This tale tells of many thoughts between two people and the dream of making the life they wish for to come true. The poem was a nice touch. But it appeared to be more of a dream, or was it?
The setting was visually enduring, the dialogue masterfully created. The characters were enticing and perfectly matched. The story was captivating. Your portrayal of a hit gone wrong, yet made everything just right. Extremely well done.
The landscape that you wrote, with your descriptive words, danced across the page, providing a vivid image of what I have seen and experienced, although many years ago. The story flowed with ease and begged the reader to continue. A love story in true nature was unfolded. The release of thoughts to a love no longer there, scribbled in a poem, was a magical touch. Extremely well done.
What seemed like it was going to be a sad story, and a combination of office politics turned into a delightful tale of how a simple conversation can lead to the answer to your prayers. This was a great read, nicely done.
You took a dream that brought sadness and turned it into an unfolding reality of love and compassion between two strangers. The plot was well detailed, and the dialogue was perfectly set. The message between the lines was gentle but subtle. Nicely done.
This is a sweet romantic memory of a time past. The fact that you dreamed her into reality is remarkable to say the least. Meeting your true love and having a life together is very nice.
It would appear that you have used this story for other publications and contests, as evidenced by all the notes at the conclusion of this story. Details that are specific to you, but not necessarily to your reader. Placing a break, or making the notes in a small font, will make it easier for your reader to know exactly where your story has ended.
Your poem is a mini tale of sorts. With a beginning, middle, and end. Your words are clear and thought-provoking to see the image as it stands upon the top of your poem. Nicely done.
I'm not much of a poet, and I only dabble when I do, but I have to say that I like the reading of the 2nd much better than the 1st. I had to re-read parts of the first to understand and tie into the next line. The second one moved more smoothly, and I was able to better comprehend the message to be told.
The result is a complete transition from procrastination to results. I like the way you provided what most feel, as they tell themselves there is much to do, so get up and do it. Nicely done and welcome to WdC.
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