Hi,
The following review is completely subjective, and based on my own personal preferences and experiences. I comment on the concepts in the story, and how well it reads, rather than the technical aspects, which are not my strength. Please feel free to take or leave any of my comments :)
Now, what I generally do is go through your work and mark it with corrects, and suggestions, then add a final comment at the end. So, without further adou ...
Daniella had always been notorious for not planning things carefully but this time she had taken it too far. It had barely taken twenty-four hours to plan her just take the babies and run approach to escape the strong hold of her sadistic husband and his even more psychotic business partner(this sentence is very long, and is a bit cumbersome to read. Maybe chop it into two or more). She’d tried to think of at least a decent plan but in the panic of the situation, she could only grab her two baby boys and run as fast as her legs could carry her (In the sentence prior, it sounds like she has 24 hours to plan something, but this sentence reads like it's more of a spur of the moment decision). There was a fresh coat of snow on the ground, the thick two inches madeking it next to impossible (next to impossible to do what?) and within five minutes of running she had to slow down and rethink her plan. It was freezing. All she was wearing was a small, frilly coat and a pair of thin bedroom slippers, neither of which was good for wintry weather.
She did not stop though. She could not stop, even though her muscles ached and cried out for even a brief reprieve. She couldwould kick herself as she thought, not for the first time, that she should have planned this better.(again, confusion about planning, was it planned at all? It doesn't read like it was) She’d had months to plan. Why hadn’t she taken it.? She hadn’t even packed any food let alone diapers, bottles or anything to keep the babies taken care of. She was a horrible mother. She ought to go back but feared it was too late. Soon HE would be up and he would see that she was gone and come find her only yards away from their, or rather his, lavish manor. He would lock her away and take her sweet, darling sons. She knew it was technically kidnapping, but was it a crime to want to protect them from his horrible plans.?
A few days agoearlier, she had heard his plans to sell them to the greedy, wicked Mr. Macron. Mr. Macron was the source of all her pains and all her sorrows (It sounds like her husband is, more than this guy, considering her husband wants to sell her to him!). It didn’t make any sense to her. Who couldwould want to buy babies? But then, Mr. Macron was a sick bastard. He hadn’t even referred to them as babies or children but as alpha-sires and he was in the market for two. She couldn’t believe that her husband Ben could do such a horrid thing.
Couldn't he have even discussed it with her.?(Remember to use question marks, here have been lots missed so far) He was their father. How could he sell his own children.(question mark needed!) She couldn’t let him do it. She had to take them and run away. Where or how made no difference. There was nothing else she could do.
Her legs didn’t want to go any further, they wanted to stop, to rest. Her calves and thighs were burning with the intensity of the movements. They hurt so bad., Bbut she could not stop. She had to reach Maggie who lived on the other side of the mountain. Maggie said that she could help her. "I am running out of time,"she thought. It was hard not to think about what he would do, if he would comecame after her, though she knew he surely would. She just hoped for her children's sake he slept in. She didn’t want look back at the clear tracks she was making in the soft powdery snow. Her only hope was to keep pressing forward no matter how her body ached. Her children’s lives depended on it.
Her mind wandered as she fought to keep moving. How had she gotten into this mess? A quiet, farm girl from the Blue-Grass State, she had foolishly run away from home. She had made the innocent mistake of hitchhiking with a strange man who had picked her up off the highway. He managed to draw out her story. She had wanted to get away from her stepmother for no other reason that she was 16 years old and thought she knew everything. The man promised her many things on that trip, promised her her very dreams. However, they would soon become nightmares.
Before she knew it, she was in a dark, dank room surrounded by a dozen girls around her age. They were removed one by one and returned. Daniella knew it had to be some sort of sex trafficking. She had heard stories but like everyone else had believed it could never happen to her. Now it had. She soon learned that the girls were not allowed to talk to each other but Daniella also learned that the ones who did not come back had likely become pregnant. This was where she had met the sleazy, gangly Mr. Macron in his brown wool trench coat and matching fedora and wrinkly skin that smelled of onions.(nice description!)
He had looked her up and down, examining her from head to toe before whispering to the guard. She was taken into another room and met Benjamin, Ben. He had such a gentle smile, his very eyes seemed to smile (repitition of the word smile makes the sense awkward to read, so maybe change to something like "His gentle smile reached all the way to his eyes", or something better than that!)and Daniella was sure that she had met her fairy-tale prince as he declared his everlasting love for her, whisking her away from this horrible place. They were married and her dear husband treated her like a princess. She could not imagine how wrong she would be. (For me, this part of your story doesn't work. I realise Daniella is young, but what you've described here doesn't make sense to me. Put yourself in her shoes. If you had been kidnapped and put into a room with other girls, and thought it was sex traffiking, how would you feel when suddenly it's your turn to be dragged out? Even if the first person you meet seems nice, aren't you going to be cautious? And why would she believe that he loved her, when they have literally just met, and in such a horrible situation? Surely she would have a preconceived notion of what a man who comes to deal with someone like Mr Macron would be like? I'm not trying to pull your work apart, but I find this part difficult to believe, and therefore it takes me, as the reader, right out of the story.)
Everything was going wonderfully, perfectly. She was living the life she had always dreamed. Then she got pregnant. She noticed her husband and Mr. Macron’s private meetings but thought nothing of them. They weren’t her business. Until she met Maggie. Maggie was a midwife and she was given the task of looking after Daniella during her pregnancy. She was a good midwife and a dear friend (was she already a friend, or did she become a friend?). Maggie took good care of her and she was well respected by the family. Daniella had wondered why she couldn’t just go to a hospital but Maggie had just told her it was tradition. She accepted that, some people preferred the old-fashioned way of doing things.
One night, while Maggie was taking care of her (be specific, add a little detail, it brings more life and realism to the story), she seemed strangely different. Her bronze skin was disturbingly pale, as though she’d seen a ghost. Maggie tried to warn her about Benjamin, urging her to run away and even to get an abortion. She had even tried to offer her the use of her secret cabin on the other side of the mountain if she truly wanted this child. But Daniella did not believe her and felt horribly betrayed. She would hear no more and told Ben. Maggie was subsequently fired and Daniella was now all alone in her escape('in her escape' doesn't make sense, although I kind of know what you're trying to say). She wondered if she could even protect her precious younglings all alone (You've repeated the words 'all alone' here and in the last sentence, so a change is required).
She marched on. It was still dark but still breaking dawn (which is it, dark or breaking dawn?)when she heard a russling sound. She tried to ignore it., Tthinking it was just a childish imagination (There is nothing childish about being scared of someone like her husband coming to get her. If you want to use something here, maybe go for something like "overactive")getting to her. She continued to mark untilmarch as it had gotten louder but she ignored it; until it turned into a growling rumble. She thought it might have been just her stomache; (hmmm, not sure I'm convinced that you would mistake a real growl for a tummy growl ...) since it was almost sun up and she or her babies had not eaten since dinner last night. She was surprised that they had been so quiet; she assumed that they were nuzzled asleep.
The sky was twilight gray, the dawn near breaking when she heard a rustling sound in the trees. She tried to ignore it, telling herself that this was the woods after all and was likely just an animal looking for nuts or berries or something in the snow to eat. The sound only slowlygot louder, still she ignored it until she heard a low, growl rumbling in the bushes. She thought it might have been her stomach as she nor her children had eaten in hours. She was surprised at how quiet they had been, assuming they had fallen asleep. (ok, looks like you've duplicated paragraphs, as this is almost identical to the one above, and I assume you've done an edit without removing the old work?)
As she pushed on, the growling only slowly}grew louder and she suddenly realized that the sound was not coming from her but rather behind her. She knew it was dumb but she had to see. She turned and froze for a brief second at the sight. A four-legged, snarling beast staring down at her ('looking down' implies that the beast is either huge and towers over her, or is on higher ground or something. Which one is it?) with blood-shot, angry eyes. Shaking herself from her fright, she turned and ran, surprising herself as the adrenaline began pumping through her. She shook off the creature for a moment (How? You've described a huge, 4 legged beast that, in my imagination, would easily chase down a tired woman carrying two babies) and was able to hide one small baby inside the hollow of a tree, buried beneath a thin layer of snow before it was upon her again. She clutched the other child to her chest, running faster, faster but the beast was faster still and quickly overtook, swiping at her with terrible force, flinging her and her baby up against a thick tree trunk. The baby howled in pain and her first instinct was to rock him and soothe away the pain but she hadn’t the time as she got up and kept running despite the pain she herself was in. She looked into the distance and felt a small ray of hope at the sight of a red truck and a man with a rifle getting out of it.(Again, if the beast is that big and fast, I can't see how she could get up and away from it)
The hustle toward him and stretched her arm in the air. She hoped against hope that he would see her. He did and he also spotted the beast that was behind after. He raised his gu as she ran and took a shot. Daniella ducked. The beast pushed her out of the way and her body was flung hard onto the snow covered ground (this sentence suggests that the beast is trying to push her out of the way of getting shot. Is this the case, or is the beast atttacking her?). She came down with a crash but never let go of the baby.
She ran harder towards him (Didn't she just get knocked to the ground? Why didn't the beast attack her?), raising an arm to try and get his attention (she already has his attention, you said that in the paragraph prior). Ever vigilant, the hunter saw the woman racing towards him with a bundle in her arms. Quickly the hunter (repitition of the word 'hunter'. Repitition bad!) raised his gun and fired but not in time to stop the beast from attacking the woman, pushing her out of the ward hardthis part of your sentence doesn't make sense.. He heard the crash and the sound of bone breaking. (He? Do you mean the hunter? When writing, you should always try and work from one persons point of view. This whole prologue, you've ceom from Daniella's, so it doesn't read very well to suddenly change this. Make her the one that hears, or better yet, feels the bones break)
He fired again and a third time. Blood went everywhere (from what?) and it seemed that the monster had been obliterated. Cautiously, the man approached the young woman. She was soaked with blood and by the way her neck was turned, and the fact that she wasn’t breathing (if your neck is on an unnatural angle, its going to be obvious the person is dead), he could tell that she was dead. He knelt down and pulled back the blankets she had held so preciously to her. He could do nothing for the mother but he could do plenty for the boy. He thought about keeping the boy (repitition of the word 'boy') himself, having always thought about what it might be like to be a father but knew the kid needed a proper family(I don't think this insight into the hunter is required here. If he is going to be important later, then add this stuff later, where it is more relevant. Otherwise, as the reader, I'm left wondering why you've said this). He took the baby instead to the fire station and placed a call about the woman. Satisfied he had done everything he could, he drove into the sunrise with his trusty hound dog, Samson, never even looking into the rear-view mirror.(mentioning his dog is a redundant statement and adds nothing to your piece. If the dog is going to be significant later, then mention him late ){/pre}
Overall, I think your story needs a lot of work. You've got an idea here, and I can see that you're trying to establish a back story, which is great. There are a events that happen though that really take me out of the experience, as the reader. A giant beast like the one described would eat a tired lady for breakfast, and with very little difficulty!
There are a number of grammatical errors you can easily fix in this, and moving foward with the rest of your story too. Be careful when using could/would, it can really change the tone of a sentence. Remember to use the right punctuation, otherwise it can change the tone of a sentence, e.g.
Will I escape.
Will I escape?
Will I escape!!!
If you complete edits, make sure you remove old sentences etc as well.
The biggest piece of advice I think I can give it to make sure you think about the realism of events. If something doesn't feel real, or logical, even if its fantasical, then a reader isn't going to be as invested, and get frustrated with your work.
Keep writing!
Ham
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