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Review of Anger  
Review by Harry
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Wow, Viv, you have written a powerful piece to capture anger. Great alliteration in the first stanza!

These lines to end the second stanza are my favorite:
"The pounding of one’s heart closes his ears
To reason, to the cry of control, of restraint."

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411686934
Product Type: Book
Amazon's Price: $ 16.68
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352
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Greetings, Viv ~

This poem is filled with emotion and truth, making it a most poignant write. If it is based upon something that actually happened to you, I hope you have recovered by now.

I found this stanza particularly evocative:

What is saddest, at least to me,
Is the person wielding the whip
May not know, much less care,
How bruised, how destroyed I am.

Regards!

Harry

ASIN: 1411686934
Product Type: Book
Amazon's Price: $ 16.68
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353
Review of I Wish I Had  
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings, Viv ~

This is a poignant write with a message that all readers should heed. Nicely done!

I wasn't sure about this line:
Or if they still live on this earth, my loss.
Maybe an ellipse (or a dash) instead of a comma here would work better.

These two lines:
Time slips through our fingers,
Like grains of sand upon the beach,
are such an overused cliche that they detract from the freshness of your poem, although the following two lines are excellent.

Overall, this is a poem well worth reading for all.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of Check Those Feet  
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Greetings, Viv ~

This is a very well-written article that contains useful, potentially life-saving information. Nicely done!

I have only a few suggestions for your consideration:

to go to one of our son’s homes >>>>> This is confusing construction. Does the son own several homes, or is he one of several sons?
Likewise,"his and one of his son’s birthday" is confusing. Maybe reword for increased clarity, such as 'to go to the home of one of our sons.'

the layer of white skin came lose. >>> loose

The use of medical slang might not be understood by some readers: huge hypos, IVs, staph, wound vac. It might be better to write each out fully.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411629272
Amazon's Price: $ 3.97
355
355
Review of Inside my head  
Review by Harry
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Greengiraffe ~

Interesting piece. I have some suggestions for your consideration:

When I’m older(,) I’m going to get a nose job [to fix it]. >>>>> 'to fix it' is unneeded

Even my father noticed(,) [that] and he notices nothing

When I was going out with Jenny on Friday night(,) he said,

I know he’s right(.)[,] I’m completely

In fact(,) I was looking forward to

I looked silly[, s](. S)o I made sure

Dad was there(,) and I didn’t want

Why do I even have a mirror[, t](? T)here’s nothing worth

I look again(,) and nothing's

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411629272
Amazon's Price: $ 3.97
356
356
Review of The Travellers  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Green ~

I enjoyed your story.

I have some punctuation suggestions for you to consider:

I could not sleep for some very strange reason(.)[,] I’m a good sleeper, always having elaborate dreams, but that night was different. Everything was still(.)[, t](T)here was no wind(,) and the dogs were all asleep.

reading my book(,) and still I could not get more

to work out the kinks(.)[, m](M)aybe that way I could finally relax.

not a muscle(.)[,] I could

He was a great noise maker[,] and could see and hear

waiting for something(.)[, t](T)hat’s when I realised

close to calving(,) and I thought for a moment

not a sound(.)[,] I could not even

coming to rest[, o](. O)ne separated from the herd and trotted towards me. I felt no fear(.)[,] I was no threat to them(,) and I had not infringed upon their lands. Yet, when he drew face to face with me, I stepped back[,] and curtsied out of respect.

“You may speak, human[, d](. D)o not be alarmed.”

I nodded[, w](. W)ho was I to deny him anything?

“Why are you here to see us at this late hour[, i](? I)t is not natural for a creature such as yourself to be out at such a time.”

He reached out to touch my forehead(,) and I felt a slight tingle

curtsied once again(.)[,] “I hope

rejoined his herd(,) and I watched them

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411629272
Amazon's Price: $ 3.97
357
357
Review of Fresh Air  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, GG ~

This is a good start to what could become an interesting piece...a good beginning that sets an interesting scene. It definitely feels incomplete.

As short as it is, I found numerous things for you to examine:

I’m finally here[,](;) the time has finally come.

Now the time [had](has) come for each

with the EA[.] (Earth Alliance)(.)

The EA [have](has) paid for me to come to Earth for this(,) and there is no way

other humans[, w](. W)e were becoming

to return to Earth[, o](. O)ur spines will

This is it[,](;) I am going

In fact(,) most of them look bored[,](.) I suppose to them

ready to go[, h](. H)e begged

Besides he [would](will) get his chance when he [came](comes) of age.

I breathe deeply[, w](. W)ith each breath I can feel

I can feel [it’s](its) warmth

on my skin[,](.) I’ve never felt so

across my skin[, e](. E)very hair stands

This piece a bit of work. You currently incorrectly join numerous complete sentences with a comma.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411633156
Product Type: Book
Amazon's Price: $ 9.98
358
358
Review of September Rain  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Fyn ~

I liked this poem. Nicely written piece.

I have a few suggestions for you to consider:

[September Rain]
[l](L)ike the curtain which falls at the end of the play

the actors (have) gone,

Maple leaves, edges curled up(,)

I liked the use of rains...reins...reigns.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411629272
Amazon's Price: $ 3.97
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359
Review of Evil Beauty  
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Greetigs, Viv ~

This is a well-told story that held my interest throughout.

I had a few suggestions for your consideration:

has seen any thing of it >>> anything ??

her own flowing(,) white evening gown

“Not hardly. >>>> Since this is in dialogue, do you want her to sound ungrammatical? Or should this be 'hardly'?

she pressed [the] it brought

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411633156
Product Type: Book
Amazon's Price: $ 9.98
360
360
Review by Harry
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings, Viv ~

A very interesting and informative interview! I enjoyed reading this.

I have only a few minor suggestions for you to consider:

a(n) old mother, a carhop, an office worker and a[n] manager,

close to Washington(,) D.C.

from Air Force [B](b)ase to Air Force [B](b)ase.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411633156
Product Type: Book
Amazon's Price: $ 9.98
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361
Review by Harry
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings, ridinghood ~

I enjoyed the poem. However, I do have a few suggestions for you to consider:

Imagine open cities
open to all in need.>>>>>> You do not need the first open.

Imagine dragonfly children >>>> What are dragonfly children??

Imagine jazz politicians >>> What are jazz politicians??
no longer asleep at the wheel.
With intent to think and to reason, >>> The last two lines are not a complete sentence. Comma after wheel instead of period.<<<
their purpose to help and to heal.

Imagine this American President >>> This refers to Truman (president when bombs dropped) or to Bush??
as the blind leading the blind. >>> To what are the U.S. people blind??
Imagine his wan declaration,
It never entered my mind. >>>> What is it??

There is too much confusion in this poem at present. I was left wondering what your meaning was in several places, as noted above.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411629272
Amazon's Price: $ 3.97
362
362
Review of Reunion  
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Greetings, Vivian ~

Your poem is very, very good! "Searching through wrinkles of now to see yesterday" is a great line. Plus the alliteration is great.

I have no improvement to offer.

Good luck in the contest.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411633156
Product Type: Book
Amazon's Price: $ 9.98
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Review of Day 4-6  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

A very fascinating story is unfolding. Nice!

Some suggestions for you to consider:

is normal(,) and there is no

any year it was[,](;) we knew when

to ask the date[,](;) it often got lost

Lilac wanted [is] to try to get to the pharmacy

the new normal --)(,) and he said that

to that(,) but Freddy’s eyes

perfectly natural(,) and no one

around Duncan(,) and I stayed

today(,) and Cyndy was looking

The generator died(,) and John went

compared notes(,) and no one remembered

rigor mortis[e]

Mourning all that we have lost(,) and it is

We mourn the death of Life as it has been[,](;) we mourn ‘normal[,]’(;) we mourn the loss of our true innocence.

500 miles on it(,) and he was driving to NYC

Suddenly cars were rolling free(,) and power [breaks](brakes) weren’t working(.) [and c](C)ars began crashing.

very bright(,) and that was his first inkling

what to do(,) and little clumps of people

Country Store was open(,) and he went

an intelligent go(-)getter;

perfect sense[,](;) at other times he just

the guard rail(,) and the car behind him

the radio on(,) but they weren’t

The first were electro-magnetic ones[,](;) the second wave took out the cities(,) and then there was

He’d heard, but hadn’t been able to verify(,) that Paris

radiation poisoning(,) and he didn’t know

Cheers!

Harry

Please check out my new novella, Bob the Dragon Slayer, at http://www.lulu.com/harry .
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Review of Days 2-3  
Review by Harry
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

A good second chapter! The story is progressing nicely.

Why did you choose to date this at a date already passed so that the reader knows it did not happen then? Seems like a date in the future would make the story believable.

Some suggestions for you to consider:

Brad, or Doc as everyone has taken to calling him(,) tried out

were less(,) and Duncan discovered Tony

then head (downstairs).

Tony was heading (into) the bathroom

her boyfriend(,) then climbs all over

out that way(,) and so we were going

the inside(,) and it is much

for a look(-)see soon.

know about them(,) and they are so scattered

A world made so small by computers and the [i](I)nternet that my [n](N)avy daughter in Spain was as close as my son a state away.>>>>> Not a complete sentence.

dropped down(,) and there is no way

with those huge(,) brown eyes(,) and I could swear

Lanie is(,) and she’s good.

with her being a [s](S)enator and all

swung around(,) and his fist connected

Tony went down(,) and when the shelves bounced off the wall, the missing

it ended 3 days ago >>> three

Meals were grabbed(,) and we didn’t

It is[,] legal now,

Cheers!

Harry

Please check out my new novella, Bob the Dragon Slayer, at http://www.lulu.com/harry .
365
365
Review of Last Day-Day 1  
Review by Harry
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

Very interesting beginning to a story. This makes the reader want to read more. Nicely done! *Smile*

My suggestions for you to consider:

Yesterday[,] I had bills that were too long unpaid. Yesterday I had an ex(-)boyfriend whom I loved dearly and(,) had we ever gotten back together, (who) most likely
>>>>>>Be consistent: Yesterday, I had vs Yesterday I had .... I'd omit the comma in all these sentences.

my [i](I)nternet were due

3(-)foot(-)thick(,) Vermont granite stone walls,

cherry-wood pipe(,) came

a portable(,) battery(-)operated radio.

got the generator up(,) folks.

several men(,) and I followed the women back to the kitchen. A bomb has gone off(,) and she was worried

Of course(,) they wouldn’t work.

going to start(,) and there wouldn’t be anyone

to the kitchen(,) and John said,

electricity down here(,) and we have

of his wife’s pills(,) and she’s finally

she is err was? A senator >>>> she is, rather was, a senator

synthesis(,) (whatever) that is.

their 9(-)year(-)old son.

thing going(.)[ and h](H)e could read a phone book out loud(,) and I’d drool.

Big(,) old(,) shaggy(,) well(-)trained beast

blue(-)veined(,) blue(-)haired, blue(-)blooded.

We now total 10 of us down in the dungeon
>>>>> The Lucky 13...Then you list 12 people and a dog. Inconsistency = 10 when there are 13.

against the wall(,) and I’m using him

other two corners(,) and the Thorntons and Prescotts

to turn off the light(,) I see him

Cheers!

Harry

Please stop by and check out my new novella, Bob the Dragon Slayer, at http://www.lulu.com/harry .
366
366
Review of Blue Funk  
Review by Harry
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings, katwoman ~

As a stream of consciousness poem, this is an excellent read. *Smile* Nice content!

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of La Luna  
Review by Harry
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings, katwoman ~

The content of this poem is fine. I do have a problem with the lack of punctuation at the end of all lines. Also, with the mixing of sentences and sentence fragments.

By her light, I shine and shimmer
Her soft fingers, sifting through the dark
A golden halo envelopes her
And I marvel at how many of us have passed in her life

This would read better to me as:
By her light, I shine and shimmer.
Her soft fingers sift through the dark.
A golden halo envelopes her.
I marvel at how many of us have passed in her life.

And though some steps taken to know her, mystery
>>>>This line was awkward and confusing for me.

This could be much improved with a bit of reworking.

Cheers!

Harry

Please stop by and check out my new novella, Bob the Dragon Slayer, at http://www.lulu.com/harry .




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Review of The Garbage Men  
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings, Winklett ~

An interesting read! It threw me a bit when the ducks came in. Not sure if they were there only for the rhyme. The format shifts also threw me a bit -- from couplets, to three lines, to three lines double-spaced, to five lines, back to couplets. That's a lot of adjusting for the reader to have to do.

If time does not exist(,)
then shouldn't everywhere
be occupied at every turn(,)
and atoms,

Still, overall this is an interesting read.

Cheers!

Harry

Please check out my brand new book:
http://www.lulu.com/harry
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Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

This is a sad but beautiful story of love.

A few suggestions for you to consider:

It was senior citizens(') day around town(,) and they had made

paid for lunch(,) and Betty had gifted

and all spattered mud from the hose. >>> ?? unclear meaning

me a message alright. >>> all right

“Happy Birthday, my beautiful Rose[,](.) I love you.”

years old(,) and I still don’t

last words he’d ever said to her.
>>>>> either: he ever said OR he'd ever say

Her eyes widened(,) and she smiled.

Cheers!

Harry
370
370
Review of The Broken Goose  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, Robin ~

This is a good story with a great message about life. It has problems with too many long, involved sentences that are hard to follow. Also, there were numerous errors I found:

the white(,) wrap(-)around porch (overlooking) the ocean

and(,) had they approached her, (they) would have stopped short

at (herself), she headed up the walk, past the late daffodils and the ready(-)to(-)bloom tulips(,) and climbed

a large(,) 500(-)acre tract

who grow up with every advantage possible[, w](. S) had [with} a loving family consisting of her grandmother Annie, her parents and a bothersome older brother. [As cuttently written , it reads as though to grow up with every advantage, one must have a grandmother named Annie, etc.]

named Momma and Poppa Goose(,) returned

call her(,) and together they would go

“Here(,) Momma Goose[,](.) Here(,) Poppa Goose[,](.)Quack, quack,

her voice[,] coming to mean food, those same two head(s) would pop up(,) and the same two geese would

made a (lifelong) commitment

how marriages were[;](--) a (lifetime) commitment[s].

Time passed(,) and the seasons were told[;] by lilacs blooming

She was told that(,) if he couldn’t fly away this fall, [that] it was

the wide(-)planked floors to the kitchen

her daughter Kira(,) calling from Spain

“Hi(,)Mom(.) How’s it going?

“Yes(,) it is! And[! W](w)e are fully

Oh(,) Mom, this is such

of the main house(.)[, w](W)ell, at least for a while(,) we both can.

Angel gasped. “You’re not…”
(Insert space)
“Yes, Mom(,) or should I say “Grand(?)[.]” We are pregnant! The baby is due at Christmas!
How’s THAT for a Christmas [P](p)resent!
>>>>>too many exclamation points used

She felt warm and excited and oh[! S](s)o very happy.

for my wife and [I](me) ...for me

“Oh(,) how wonderful.

a private(,) small balcony. It has a queen(-)sized(,) canopy bed, a fireplace and a private bath with a Jacuzzi. It is decorated with hand(-)pieced quilts

“Oh(,) [H](h)oney, don’t >>>Unless Honey is a given name...

This really could be cleaned up into a wonderful story.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of Disillusionment  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Robin ~

Quite nice! This is a very though-provoking poem.

The last stanza breaking the 3-line format sort of threw me. Maybe you would consider breaking it into two stanzas, thusly:

You cannot see, hear, touch, smell or taste
the true essence of who I am.
Nor I, you.

This is because
we are trapped inside
our illusions.

Cheers!

Harry
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Review of Juliet Aurora  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, Mandik ~

This is a heartfelt story...very emotional.

I have a large number of suggestions for you to consider:

Finally[;](,) after almost five years, our hearts

promised the kids that(,) when school

end of July[- w](. W)e had looked(,) but nothing seemed "just right"[;](.) [and t](T)hen a tragedy had

unexpectedly, and so young-44. >>>>unexpectedly, and at so young an age, only forty-four.

[But] I was drawn

While her brother(s) pushed each other

we fell [o](i)n love with her (anyway).

rode home between my two children, at peace.
>>> home at peace between

whimpering at night[-](,) but we had decided

little thing[, s](. S)he loved to do

strong in this area[, s](. S)he seemed to know

would be Juliet[.](,) all curled up at the end

pretending to be sleeping(.)[!]

turned in[, t](. T)hen we would call to her(,) and she would

morning(,) and she refused

colds[, n](. N)o one was feeling to(o) well that weekend(,) anyway.

the matter(,) princess?

my cheek[,](;) I couldn't figure

she remarkably seemed better.>>> seemed remarkably better ??

took her (outside).

like a brick wall(.)[- iron- w] (W)hat I was sopping up was blood(,) and my puppy was >>>> iron??

more times(,) and each time (was) more red

The vet came in and asked so many questions.
"Could she have been poisoned?"
"no">>>"No."
"Ate something she shouldn't have?"
"no" >>"No."
"Has she had all her shots?"
"YES(")[,] [a](A)s a matter of fact, she was scheduled to be fixed on that upcoming Monday, Veterans Day.["]
>>>>Put spaces between different speakers.

They had no answers[, w](. W)e would have to wait (a half hour)for the blood tests (results).[, 1/2 hour.] [But i](I)n the (meantime) we were allowed to see her

white(,) and his hands

(Sometimes) puppies get [there](their) first shots to(o) soon,

the table[, t](. T)he black bars went to(o) far across the page. The numbers were to(o) high.

moment with her?[...]"

a (lifetime)! This can't be happening[, s](. S)he's just a baby. [n](N)o..."

control (ourselves),

Our baby was [dieing](dying) before our eyes(,) and we

let her go(.)[,] I

I knew she must be (hurting).

the pretty assistant, [that](who) suddenly reminded m[y](e)

brother[,] but then somehow stayed to(o)

bridge(,) but for some reason I feel

Cheers!

Harry
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Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

This poem is quite thought-provking. His head falling off might have taken it over the top. Maybe the poem would be more realistic and poignant if he was a real person without any arms & legs having to earn a living this way. This might add another level to the issue of illusion and perception.

My suggestions for you to consider:

He danced(,) and he tumbled,

with merry smile tossed it(,) and he held

The crowd laughed(,) and they pointed[:](.) They laughed till they cried(,)

The crowd laughed(,) and they pointed[:](.)They laughed till they cried(,)

Cheers!

Harry
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374
Review of 'Dante Alighieri'  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

This reads well, having a nice sound and flow to it. I enjoyed it.

Just one suggestion have I:

of storm(-)swept tides

Cheers!

Harry
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Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

A very interesting story! I enjoyed the ending. It was a bit hard to follow at places, just because of all the names and different people. However, the story overcame its problems.

Some suggestions for your consideration:

with people(,) but one girl sat alone

the people around her[...s](. S)he’d been sitting there for hours it seemed(,) and the waitress

hard time(,) and with her flaring red hair, her

for your honeymoon(,) and we are not

had fifty years ago(,) and it made his heart glad. They lingered over coffee(,) pondering

all their daddy(,) and Lila loved

was wearing contacts[, e](. E)yes couldn’t possibly be that blue![.]

for their plates(,) and Cindy smiled.

And she thought she had problems Cindy thought >>> awkward wording

got coffee(,) and you weren’t any

tens and twenties[,](.) Her tips

startling blue eyes(,) drove past him[;](,)

Sheriff reached [j](J)immy’s car,

came [in to](into) the room(,) and his eyes went right to Sara(,) who was just

Cheers!

Harry
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