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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/helenjoyce
Review Requests: ON
72 Public Reviews Given
142 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I found your short story on "WDC" review page featuring seven-year-old, Molly and her adopted brother Joe. In the future I would like to read more stories about them. Who knows this could be the beginning of a good children's book. There are many adopted kids in the world that may be able to relate. Reggie B., can I offer a tip? You might want to be a bit more observant when placing punctuation marks (something, I still agonize over). It can render a smooth and more even flow to the sentences as your audience reads them. And can possibly turn a nice story into something much better. Best of luck.

DJ. Venson
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Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi, JSassy. First I'll tell you where I found your short story "Lost Family History." Browsing the "Please Review," page, I saw your request and something about what you asked hit me like a lightning rod.

I gave this two stars not to be mean, but only because I had to chose something. As you read further you will come to understand why.

You wrote: Please be kind gentle but honest. New to forum and to the gene. Trying to write more original things and get put of the fan fiction writing.

Now JSassy, I am by no means a professional critic, not even close. By no means am I a literary agent and I'm not here to pass judgement on your grammar, when I- myself struggle in that area.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't even read "Lost Family History" and before your brows furl, I'll tell you why. Not to say that will not read it but there is something more important that I want to pass on to you. And I hope against hope that this will aide you in your journey on becoming a writer.

In your request, you asked three thing: to be kind, gentle, but honest. I cannot tell you how many times I've read those same (or close to it) words from people requesting a review. A long time ago, I was one of you, with that same heartfelt request.

In the literary world there is no such thing. Don't get me wrong, they're not Ogres----grouchy and terrifying.

Author Steve Berry, while being interviewed by "Author Magazine" gave some very good advice on the subject of writing.

"You have to learn critically. If you want to know how great your work is, ask your family. Ask your husband, wife, children and they will tell you how good---great whatever, it is. If you want to know "HONESTLY" how it is, ask other people going through the same misery your going through. Who are going to be honest with you because they want you to be honest with them when the time comes."

Writing is hard. It's an extremely difficult indiver. It is not impossible. It is an acquired skill. It's just like drinking liquor. You're not born liking the hundred proof Vodka and brandy and beer. Nobody's born loving that. You have to teach yourself to like that stuff.

It's the same with writing. You're not born a writer, it has to be taught. And you teach yourself the craft. So it is a difficult indiver, but it is not an impossible indiver. Anybody can do it if they want to.

Keep writing everyday. You have to read your genre and write your genre everyday. The best thing would be to find a critique group. get yourself in it and go to it. But you have to find the right mix. About 75% of what you hear in a critique group is garbage. Same can be said for some of the reviews given on the "Review" page. JSassy purge it from your mind. Now 25% of what you hear in critique groups and on the Review" page is pure gold.

How do you tell the difference, "Time" Time will teach you the difference. The only way to learn how to write is to write. Writing is a discipline. You must set your own discipline to do it.

Argumentatively, I don't believe writing to be an obsession as some people have said it should be or later become. In my humble opinion writing isn't an obsession, it's a discipline.

A good rule-of-thumb would be to study your genre. Sit yourself down and write everyday. I don't care if it's just to put that period that's missing, that misplaced comma correctly, or give your protagonist, antagonist or background character, voice. Do something. If you write everyday religiously eventually you will learn the craft.

Now, I'm not saying everybody will judge your work with the brutality of macabre killer. I'm just saying this based on your heartfelt request.

Just please keep in mind whatever, you do---don't and I cannot express this enough; don't expect the literary world walk on eggshells for you. It's not going to happen. But I promise that I will read your story an email you via WDC email, my thoughts. From one struggling writing to another, have a bless day.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
DJ. Venson
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Review of On the Ice  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello brin. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is DJ., and I found you short story "On the Ice" on the Please Review page.

Before I begin, I have a confusion to make. I here it's good for the soul. I haven't reviewed in some time. And here's the reason why. I can be a bit "Loquacious" and I'm working on it. I'm still waiting for modern- medicine to come up with some pill or potion to combat this dreaded illness for people like myself. But I digress. On to the matters at hand.

In your words you wanted to know: I was just wondering if anyone else might enjoy the picture I tried to paint or perhaps find it thought provoking and worth the time it took to read.

In a word,yes. About "On the Ice" I found the setting, the old man's mannerisms vividly, descriptive and creative. I believe you thought deeply about the craft and have pockets of knowledge of how to draw the reader into the story.

But there something call exposition. While reading through "On the Ice," I was holding my breath hoping not to be overwhelmed with exposition too soon and too heavy handed. But draws it with curiosity and empathy into the story.
And indirectly invisibly as it were, will gather in the exposition that we know but we're not conscious of it. That technique alone requires years of practice, and trial and error.

Literary agents generally can tell by the way in which the writer describes what kind of imagination the writer has, at least visual imagination. When people perform in the Olympics and you have judges sitting there giving 5-6-7 up to ten and so forth.

What are they looking for. They have ways of judging a performance. Okay, some of it is just sensory: there's a quality of relaxation in the work. There's a quality of confidence in the work. There's a quality of contentedness in the work. But you can judge a performance of figure skating based upon these. Plus, did the blade land at a certain angle, okay. I'm rambling, but it's the same thing.

In light of your question, writing is a performance, just like figure skating. And a literary agent can read it and have a sense again of confidence; of control; of precision or of one thing or another.

NOW! It doesn't necessarily mean that by the end of the work that I was wowed. Case and point. You wrote:

As he appraised the inside of the shack a wistful frown clouded his face as he noted the empty space next to his chair.

Question: Shack?
If you are shrugging your shoulders and you're a lost as to why I mentioned the "shack," but did not expand upon it. That was my exact reaction when a "shack" popped up in this piece. Ditto, when "Patty" crept into the story.

There are writers that have mastered their craft to a certain degree. Bid that is one thing. But there's lotsa people with superb craftsmanship and nothing to say. So the mastery of craft is no guarantee overall.

On the other hand you may see people that are still struggling with the craft. But they have passion, insight and they really understand human behavior (which you show pockets of here). Or they have some wonderful imaginative ideas about alternate worlds in whatever genre. But a lack of craftsmanship and an insight into life seem to go hand in hand. It's no accident that bad writers have nothing to say.

It's a funny thing, having something to say seems to inspire people. But people make mistakes and you can judge books erroneously by covers. But there are touchstones that you can use along the way that gives you a sense of quality versus banality.

Hope this can be of some help; either now or in the future.
{imagine:4000}
DJ. Venson
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Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Hi Octoberskelecountry.

I've got to tell you, I'm at a loss.
Is this a run off from a previous story? Help me please. As a reader, I found this piece on the 'Request for review page.' My pin name is DJ. Venson. I must say, Octoberskelecountry, I have know clue what the premise of your story is all about.

Amelia, is she the antagonist or protagonist? And the song, how does it push the story along? What is the significance? Is this a continuation from a previous chapter? Somewhere within the description, you may try indicating that fact. Honest, I feel like you dropped me in the middle of something, and left me to my own imagination or device to put the pieces together.

Who is this person, Amelia? Why should I care about her? Inquiring minds want to know.

As a writer take nothing for granted. We are the entertainers. We write what the silver screen does not show. Or the material in which to show it. As writers, we showcase each and every emotion, action, and every single labored breath our characters take. In other words, we breathe life or death with each stroke of the pin.

Your targeted audience rely on you to be entertained. To tell an in-depth story, leaving no room for speculation.

Maybe in hast, you overlooked a few facts. Hey it happens. My advice for what it's worth, would be for you to slow your roll. Breathe.

Somehow, and don't ask me why, I believe you are better than this. And this is coming from a person you've never meant. Imagine what your readers are thinking. Research, and then research some more. Read genre's pertaining to your works from some of the greats. Why rush? Keep in mind that when you send your works out into the world, (WDC is worldly known) people well judge you by your work.

If you have any followers, God bless you. That means you're doing something right. Whether the reviews are yah, or nay, you've got them talking, which equals exposure. But just be true to your audience. Give them one heck of a fan-freakin-tastic story. One for the books. Parton the pun.

Write On!
DJ. Venson
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Review of Please Review  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! Right on. The review page had a face lift. Looking good.
DJ. Venson
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Review of Austin Parks  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.5)


Hi Smiley, I'm going to tell you something that others may not have said.
Show Don’t Tell

Showing means using character behaviour, dialogue, and action to tell the story, as opposed to narration and description.

This doesn’t mean there can’t be any ‘telling’ in your story, some is needed here and there to balance things out and get vital information across, but showing should predominate. Showing helps the reader visualise the scene more clearly and have a more immersive experience alongside the character.

You can improve your showing versus telling by thinking visually, and also by searching for unnecessary words in your manuscript including: starting, started to, began, was, were, almost, saw, heard, and felt. These are filter words, they filter your reader’s experience rather than immersing them in it. They can still be used, but sparingly, and only when necessary.

Here is an example of telling:

I stood in front of the mirror and couldn’t believe what I saw. My belly was loose and flabby, and my breasts were droopy.

And here’s how it can be changed to better ‘show’ what’s happening (from a scene in Fast Forward):

I finally stood again at the mirror, my mouth gaping. I lowered my hands to my abdomen, lifting and prodding clumps of loose skin that felt like a bag of jelly.

What in the name of Dior happened to my flat stomach? Not only did I have a freaking jelly belly, my breasts drooped so far south they were practically residents of Antarctica.

Instead of telling the reader that the character ‘couldn’t believe it’, show them, eg: ‘my mouth gaping.’ And instead of telling the reader that her belly was loose and flabby, put some action into it, eg: ‘lifting and prodding loose clumps of skin’.

Keep these filter words handy and catch yourself out when you use them to see if there’s a better way of writing the scene. Until you get used to minimising these words, you can also just leave it until the editing process and then change them, by using the ‘find’ function on your word document. Be true to yourself Smiley. And remember all that glitters (your feed back about this story isn't gold). isn't gold.
The Gp's is for effect.

DJ Venson
Thanks you
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Review of Branding  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nicely done stricuckoo.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
DJ. Venson
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Review of Apple on Eden  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great story. I enjoyed the read!

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
DJ. Venson
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Review of A Revolution  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)


You wrote:

We can stand alone, or we can stand together.
We have to break down the walls between us and sever
the curtains that obscure one another from the truth
that we are no different from our youth
we have to break down the barriers that divide us

So true!
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Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love this piece! Vivid, and enjoyable. Thought provoking, at least to me. Nice job, and keep it up. I can tell this wasn't an easy piece to write, but you did it!
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Review of The Waiting Room  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Jordi, my name is DJ. Venson aka helenjoyce. I saw your request for reviews, and just by the curious title I knew the contents had to be overflowing with possibilities. I had to give, "The Waiting Room" a look, and I'm happy I did.

This is an intense, vivid, yet heartwarming, well told story. You've managed to keep the reader at bay by skillfully casting shadows of intrigue, mystery and suspense before the unveiling of, Jake's true motives. Nicely done!

I'm going to ask a few questions in the hopes of clearing up, what is probably no more than an, "Ah Ha, or Now I see," moment for me.

You wrote: (He looked at the door and wondered how long he had been sat there.)
Or, did you mean to write: (He looked at the door and wondered how long he had been (sitting) there.)?

I dislike assuming, but here goes. In your description of Jake's physical appearance, you wrote:

(His hands were clasped tightly together, forehead resting against them as though in prayer. Bruises marred the skin of his knuckles, testament of an earlier fight he’d been involved in. A physical one rather than the emotional one he was embroiled in at the moment.

Lines of tension bracketed his lips, reflecting the stress he was currently experiencing. Never before had he felt something like this. This fear that churned at his guts, tying them up in knots so tight he felt as though he was being split into two. Every time he became aware of footsteps nearing the door his heart rate leapt up, his pulse pounding loudly in his ears until it drowned out all other noises.

He leant back in the chair, his muscles aching from being so still and tense for so long. His hands, shaking slightly, rubbed over his face before dropping down to his lap. He became aware of the state of his clothing as he sat there. His blue jeans dusty and torn at the knees whilst his sweatshirt had seen much better days. Had he been in a clearer frame of mind he would have showered and changed before coming to the hospital.)

I am assuming, Jake had gotten into an altercation with his wife, prior to coming to the hospital. As I reflect on these two sentences: (Bruises marred the skin of his knuckles, testament of an earlier fight he’d been involved in. A physical one rather than the emotional one he was embroiled in at the moment.) Lets just say he didn't. If not with his wife than who? Moreover, if it was with his wife, and from the condition of his fist. Would or should there be so mention of fresh bruising to his wife, in your story? Again, this is only an assumption.

Nevertheless, and regardless of some other little hiccups (not many) throughout this thought provoking story. I am differently giving, "The Waiting Room" a thumbs up! Jordi, I look forward in reading more of your stories.

DJ. Venson
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
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Review of The Trap of Anger  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Your poem should be carved in stone somewhere for all to read. Irregardless of its date, those words of outpouring emotion need to be repeated today! Since, you wrote this poem the world has gone and gotten itself in a big oh mess and hurry! Violence is running rampant, hate is everywhere. Guns and bombs are taking the lives of innocents of men, women and children. I wonder what you would have written about now, rather than then. I don't think your sentiments would change, how could they when you've written so well!

OUTSTANDNG PIECE OF WORK!

DJ.Venson
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Review of The Visitor  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Superb! Enjoyed every line, but I'm sure you've already been told something similar to this by others. Now, in my understanding, Perry's dream / nightmare is a portal used by the Minion. But, there is one thing about your very last line which puzzles me.

You wrote: “Daddy?” Tammy says in a deep voice. “How are you feeling?”

Am I to understand, Tammy's voice to be the voice of the Minion? You make no reference to her age no more than the word young. Not to be picky, but there are some young people with very deep voices. When I first read the last line, I got the impression of Tammy, being a concerned young girl. A young girl who heard her father screaming... but no more than that.

How fantastic it would be if Tammy's voice is that of the Minion! Nevertheless, look outside because it's raining stars for a wonderful story!

helenjoyce
"Preferred Author" Open in new Window.
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Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
All I can say is BRAVO!
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Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
interesting is what I can say about this piece. I'm not sure if you were saying you were 'Pro or Con' when you wrote 'I talk like a black girl.' Never-the-less this was a good piece. I'm not sure what you were saying in this entire piece, and I read it twice. Maybe I need to read it again LOL. It will make the reader think, and wonder.

Write On!
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Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
The term celestial refers to the sky and/or Heaven. An astronomical object is sometimes referred to as a celestial body or celestial object. I'm not sure what you were trying to say using the term celestial in this way. When you wrote: 'Celestial ring in our ears'. Please keep in mind that this is just one person's opinion! Maybe it came across to me wrong... it happens LOL. Always remember that this is your piece, and the opinions given are just that OPINIONS.
Over all it was a good poem. Keep writing.

Write On!
helenjoyce
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Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Sunshine,

Your flow was good, your expressions of the character was good also. I believe the audience you will attract with this piece would be that of 13 and below if that's what you were going for. Good job!

Write On! helenjoyce
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Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
WOW! You had me from the beginning. This is a very heart racing, thrill of a story. I found myself experiencing every stop and drop along the way. The story was colorful and very true to life. I really like the ending when you said. I'm gonna need a few minutes." This left me cheering for your act of courage. Just as it took courage to take such a trip. The flow was perfect! Nice job.

Keep up the good work.

Write On!
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Review of Trial  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Jaye,

This is a very interesting story! What can I say but WOW! I'm looking foward to reading more of your work. You had me from the first line. Thank God the Jury gave that verdict. Is this the end of this piece or will there be more? I guess sometimes less is more. I've got to remember that...LOL. Anyway, keep writing these great stories.
Debbie
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Review of My betrayal  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Sherris' man,

Wow! What a story. I found it to be very heart felt and remorseful. I was able to follow it from beginning to the end without error. I didn't have to try to hard to see each character. It seems as if I was there with you step by step. I hope you keep writing. The points I've given was for emotion and how well the story flowed.

Always remember a writer writes always.
Write On!
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Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Dark90,

After reading your piece twice. I found the concept of what you're trying to express heart felt. There were only a few things that made the reading a little difficult for me. Like yourself I'm a struggling writer as well. So here goes!

Have I not learn this things for years? I'm not too sure what you were trying to say here.
But, still why do i still live like this? I notice a lower case (i).

All and all it was a nice piece. Please don't stop writing. You can only get better with time. Remember that a writer writes always!

Write On!
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Review of Delusions  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hello Delusional Pyro,

First let me welcome you to Writing.Com it's always good to see new members. Second thing I want to talk about is your piece. Your anger is clear in your writing but there were some typos and once and a while you would use (i) instead of (I). There were a few misspelled words here and there.

But don't let this one opinion divert you from your path of being a writer. I encourage you to continue writing but take a moment to proofread your work. All and all I could feel your anger and pain. This is one of many key ingredients in writing and that is to make the reader feel or travel outside the box.
Good Luck and Write On!
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Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (1.5)
Hello Juliet thanks for submitting your poem. I must say that it was a nice piece and I hope the person can make up her mind.

Second there were some area's that I didn't understand.
When you said, "You kill me so well." Not really sure where that was going from.

Third the last line left me wondering if there was more to this piece.

Over all it was nice and you should continue to write.
Remember a writer writes always.

Write On!
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Review of SUNSHINE?  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
Hello Statement first let me say welcome to Writing.Com.

I have just finish reading your piece and found it thought provoking. But I was a little put off by all the words being in capital. I found it hard to follow this way. I think you were expressing anger with this piece...am I right? You can still get your point across by using a different format than the one you have. Over all it was food for thought.

Keep writing and remember a writer writes always.

Write On!
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Review of Forgive Me  Open in new Window.
Review by DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Okay, I've read this piece and with some work it can be very good. There were some mistakes here and there. But for the most part I got the point of it all. I found it sad and very true to life. This can be a very good piece once you've read it out loud to yourself and correct all the mistakes that were made.
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