Very moving! Ballad form is perfect for the content. There are a few problems with rhyme and rhythm which you obviously can fix and it is definitely worth the extra work.
Stanza 3 line 1: I would give my left What?
line 4: rhythm breaks - Is there a way to use "morning" and "night?"
Stanza 4 line 4: consider dropping the word "my" to improve rhythm.
Stanza 5 line 2: rhythm break is distracting
Stanza 7 line 2: seems to me this should be "I miss" - in the present rather than future
I don't want to rate this. It seems unfinished. It is very promising.
I will start with problems and end with strengths.
Line three - i tripped over the word out. Do you really need it?
Line 5: This does not work at all for me. it breaks rhythm. It has no object - leads whom?
line 6 - very good image, but again breaks rhythm. Remember, we often overuse "the."
The last 4 lines - re evaluate the effect of the word "the" on the rhythm., Read it aloud, or have someone read it to you so you don't adjust to what you have written, but instead make it adjust to the rest of the poem.
The images are strong. I like "where mother earth gave birth to green and blue" especially. This is spiritual. I sounds like being grounded. When I read this poem, it gives me a sense that life hangs together for you and I can have that too.
I think this is meant to be satire, I have an automatic revulsion to the stereotypes. This is so strong in me that I cannot enjoy the piece, though it is very well written.
Louise Wiggins
Great idea, having strings, not wanting them, then feeling a need for them.
The first two lines and the second and third stanzas are quite strong.
You start stanza 4 well. The third and forth lines tell rather than show and sound a but preachy. Setting the last line apart for emphasis works, but will work better if you improve stanza 4.
Great tale! I have problems with the rhythm. You clearly have put a lot of thought into this so, perhaps a bit more will make it better.
Line two: How about a single syllable instead of everything" I think the number of accents in the line is not as important here as the meter, if you have to choose,.
Line 3: "strange" rhymes with "changed" and might make more sense.
Line 5: you could add two syllables by saying what kind of tree, and enrich the immage.
Line 6: when he asked her why, she replied "to see if it would die."
Line 7: use quotes. How about nobody instead of no one
I hope this gives enough example to get you started. I really like this story and think kids would too. Please put in the extra effort. I would love to see it when it is done.
Louise.
Sticking to a form is a challenge, but you have done it well. There is a typo in line 4.
"for brilliant beacons to light her way" breaks rhythm. I assume you noticed this and worked to correct it. I cannot say I can improve upon that. I would suggest, however, that you move away from those words and find four syllables that bring needed light. "stars and planets" fits, but may have the wrong tone. How about if you think about enough light instead of a lot of light? Or, the most effective light...
This is a lovely poem. I like "acceptance begged is hers to take" especially.
I happen to think a lot about self love and have for a long time. For myself, I have decided I need to think of it as knowing I am truly good and valuable. Ending as you do seems a bit trite, using those words. I wonder if you could change that to something a bit more novel.
This is such an excellent poem, it is worth the extra thought. Thank you for sharing it.
Louise
We're refusing to rush--- I think it might be stronger to say "we refuse to rush"
Not a care in the world --- This is a bit trite - how about "not a care or concern"
In my mind or theirs ---
Just fixed in the moment
Mother Nature has shared. Rhythm is a bit off - only noticeable because the rest is so consistent. Would dropping "has" work?
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