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Public Reviews
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176
176
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

A lovely and fitting metaphor.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

It is very easy to identify with the speaker.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

I think some attention to rhythm would improve this considerably. There are places where the flow is smooth. Other places, the break from rhythm is distracting.

For example:
"I've played my part,
My ballads are sung.."

"I've" refers to both lines: I've played my part
I've sung my ballads.

Therefore, you could say: I've played my part,
My ballads sung. (as in my ballads I have sung."

Following that logic, lines three and four could be part of the same sentence:
So loud was the applause,
It's echo, around the curtains hung..
would become:
To loud applause;
It's echo around the curtains hung.

To preserve the smooth rhythm thus established, it is acceptable to us 'round instead of around.

I offer this only as an example of a logic that sometimes helps me smooth out rough spots in my writing. It is totally up to you and your muse to decide if it fits your vision for this piece.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

A very promising piece!

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
177
177
Review of A Father's Love  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

This is full of emotion and the struggle to cope with a tragedy the child did not remember, but never lived without.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

Sensitive, caring both for the speaker and for the father of the speaker. I was relieved the father finally spoke his truth to his son.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

There are a number of places where the rhythm is disrupted. Getting that right takes time. I hope you do.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

This is poignant and interesting.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
178
178
Review of Ariadne's Thread  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.


*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

Well, if this is a beginner's poem, I can't tell. It contains all of the elements required, and paints a meaningful and interesting image.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*
This is thought provoking, carries a lot of image and information in its 22 syllables. I think you got the idea.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

No problems found. I really tried to find a problem. I really did! *Smirk*

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
179
179
Review of War and Peace  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

A well done Villanelle rich with emotion about a universal concern.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I especially like the next to the last stanza. I am impressed with the quality of vocabulary you used in an aba bab aba rhyme pattern.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

I can't see a thing I would call a problem and I have no suggestions. I feel the tiniest bit of strain in the two middle lines of the last stanza. I don't know if anyone else feels it. I don't know if, given the strictures of the form, it could be improved.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

Congratulations! Excellent work.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
180
180
Review of Hide & Seek  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

I wasn't supposed to be reading this. I was supposed to be working, but I just wanted to see, after reading the introduction. I told myself it would only take a minute. But, now that I've read it, I must do a review. I don't know if that is a rule, but, this deserves a review and since I'm the one who just read it, I am the one who must write it. Isn't that how it works?

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

This reminds me of many conversations with my father. I love the logic and I love the surprise ending.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

I suppose I could find a problem if I looked hard enough. Nothing is perfect, after all - or everything is perfect. I don't really know. Anyway, in my very enjoyable read, I didn't notice anything. Besides, I'm supposed to be working.


*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

I am glad there is no paint spot on my shirt today, though it is cloudy and a bit of brightness would be welcome.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
181
181
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

What a very familiar story: I don't know if the tears in my eyes are for Mama, or for my own parents, who are also now gone.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

The story stays focused on Mama while including the experience of her child and siblings. It is accurate, without judgment, compassionate, and realistic.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

If there were problems, I did not see them.


*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

Very well written.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
182
182
Review of Our Pet Spider  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

Great Story! It shows the natural compassion and respect for life that we encourage or discourage in children.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like the way the whole thing challenged the rest of the family. This is an example of how one child can impact the entire family in a situation were everyone is accepted and respected.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

A single typo in this sentence:
"We spent a week shuttling most of our belonging to the new place"


*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

An all around excellent story.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
183
183
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

This is an interesting way of describing a person, by listing things they said.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like the simplicity of the presentation and how it pictures the complexity of a teen girl mind.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

I'm not sure how I feel about starting every sentence with "that."

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

I hope your teacher liked this at least as much as I.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
184
184
Review of The Cycle  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

This is concise, interesting and full of both information and emotion.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like that it reaches out. I can see it as a letter to the editor.

I like this sentence: "They cycle of abuse flows everywhere, a sickening miasma of sexual, emotional, psychological, and physical abuse."


*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

In the first paragraph, you use whom where who is correct: "I know people whom continue the cycle of abuse without really realizing it." To check this when you are writing, you would put the verb and the pronoun together: "whom realize."

In paragraph 12, if I counted right, you repeat "being eaten alive" twice. Although repetition is good for learning, the writing would be improved by saying it another way in your repetition.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

Very well done! I hope your quest to find the answers is fruitful, and soon.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
185
185
Review of The Boy  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

Simply and rhythmically stated, this sounds as if it came from the boy inside the man.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like the child reminiscent quality of the writing, and the simplicity of the statement.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

The first line of the last stanza has only three syllables. When you put a three syllable line first of stanza two, and a 6 syllable line at the top, they both work. So, I doubt it is the three syllables causing the problem. There simply is a sound problem with that line. I am not sure what would fix it. I just know that in such a small poem, that kind of small problem becomes very noticeable.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

A sincere and pleasant small poem.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
186
186
Review of Perhaps Myself  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

Ahh. The this-and-its-opposite-are-both-true of life.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

The ying and yang of it.


*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

"Though so often wrong.
Standing alone;
One among the throng.

The man's in love;
Yet his heart’s broken."

I think, there is one or more extra words in each of these lines that breaks rhythm and does not increase understanding.

1 = so
2 = none
3 = one
4 = the consider A man in love
5 = yet consider His heart broken

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

Very nicely done. I hope the critique proves useful.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
187
187
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

The longing for home is so common these days with such a mobile society. I really identify with the speaker.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

The idea of being in the Berkshires for the Fall, the identification with the mountains, the sense of home.


*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

This is so lovely, I want more - examples of the beauty and personal meaning of the place. I know, I am a bit greedy.


*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

Lovely with great rhythm and rhyme.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
188
188
Review of Peggy-Lee  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

A well written ballad with a traditional theme.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like the flow of language, and the clear description of Peggy Lee, using clothing to convey mood.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

Next to the last stanza, second line: both starts and ends with the word "from."

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

All in all, an enjoyable read.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
189
189
Review of Old Age  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

I feel like I was sitting there next to you listening. So many mixed feelings are clearly stated without ever saying "I feel."

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like the voice of the speaker. I can almost see the bright eyes of the young woman still looking at the world from that aging body. The rhythm and use of language paint a clear picture.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

I offer these because this is an excellent poem with very minor issues that may all be in my imagination, but if they are not, could be easily corrected.

There are two typos where a space precedes a comma.

Line 1: "I sit here silently alone and think of times gone by" might fit rhythm better as: "silently alone I sit and think of times gone by"

Line 3: "No one will sit and listen, I ask them , take a seat"
This could be stated in a way that directly speaks to the reader and invites:
"Take some time to listen; come on now, take a seat"

Line 6: If you change line 3, then this line might need a revision to match, but also might be just fine as it is.

Line 11: try it without the "and" - see what you think about the rhythm.

Line 15: consider using "as" instead of "and"

Line 16: How would it be to say "I've tried to grow old gracefully etc." instead of the "you" statements. Again, this would have the speaker talking directly about herself to the reader. I realize this is based on an actual conversation and it might be important to you to say it the way your Mum said it. Perhaps you might consider putting her words in quotes.

Line 17: grass and stars don't rhyme: "wild flowers?"

Line 19: do you need "and?"

Last line: It seems there is an extra syllable that breaks rhythm.

As I said, each of these is a very minor issue and might be my reading rather than your writing. Perhaps I wouldn't think the same about it tomorrow. Perhaps I'm just wrong. Please, ignore what doesn't fit and understand, I really like this poem.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

It seems that you are giving a voice to a generation of speakers. I wonder if there is a way for you to share this with the people in your Mum's circle. If not, I hope, at least, you have or will share this with her. She will love that you listened to well. I love that you listened so well, and wrote it down so well.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
190
190
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

This is very interesting and has multiple layers of meaning. True poetry!

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like how each short phrase takes the reader down the elevator to a new level of intensity and meaning. The images speak to me. The poem is thought provoking for me.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

I cannot see anything I would change. Three more readings - still can't see anything to change.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

Excellent writing!

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
191
191
Review of To Pauline  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

If I had a husband that wrote that for me, I would be a very happy woman indeed!

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

It is realistic, honest, and tender.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

line 4: "And just in being you!" do you mean "...just for being you?"

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

I hope your wife likes it even more than I do.


*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

*ButterflyG* Elizabeth
192
192
Review of Beggar's Sermon  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

Very well said, compassionate, sharing of insight.

What I like: *Bird*

I like the story. I like the speaker and the old man. This is a spiritual poem, a sermon, that doesn't preach.

Problems and suggestions: *Vignette3*

It starts with strong rhythm in the first 4 lines that disappears and does not re-emerge. I like the rhythm.


Comments: *Vignette5*

A gift of a key to happiness is always welcome.

Keep writing!!!

Thank you for sharing.

Elizabeth
193
193
Review of Day Dawning  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

Overall Impression:

This has a dreamy quality that matches the title.

What I like:

Images are lovely, like wakening and drifting in and out of sleep. The abcb rhyme scheme is consistent throughout.

Problems and suggestions:

I had trouble feeling a consistent rhythm. I don't know if it is the poem or the fact that I have been writing in iambic feet for two days. I am sure this is not iambic.

Comments:

When we can't stay in bed and just drift in and out of sleep, at least we can write about it. *Laugh*

Thank you for sharing this.
Keep writing!
Elizabeth
194
194
Review of The Box of Toys  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

Overall Impression:
Very nicely constructed poem with familiar images of children playing.

What I like:
I like that you included them getting along, and not getting along.



Problems and suggestions:
The rhythm is almost but not quite right. It looks as if you get the first three lines in a stanza more easily than the forth.


Comments:

This is a warm, domestic picture making for a very pleasant read.
195
195
Review of Untitled (Step)  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

Overall Impression:
This is meditative and imaginative. It has a primary process feel to it that I hope you can maintain through revisions. The entire tone is consistent with the last line: "To dream is the first step."

What I like:
I like that going through the door includes present and past, and leaves future for another poem. I like your description of grass, and the girl's eyes, and the eyes of the speaker.

Problems and suggestions:
The last line of the grass stanza (II) doesn't seem consistent with the rest of the stanza.

Although I like the lines about the book in the breeze, I have trouble seeing how it connects with the rest of the stanza.

Line breaks don't feel like they enhance understanding, but instead, like bumps in the road.


Comments:
This is an excellent first draft. I look forward to seeinhe next stage in revision.

Thanks for sharing.
Elizbeth
196
196
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

This is both light and serious making for a pleasant read. I love the last two lines, which sum up the entire piece.

Only one line breaks rhythm, the second line of the second stanza.

I enjoyed this clever little ditty.

Thank you for sharing it.
Elizabeth
197
197
Review of Michael Jackson  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

Simply and sympathetically stated, this has an objective quality quite like an obituary. Looking at the prompt, this seems very appropriate.

I don't know if this is a dialect issue, but in the first line of the last stanza, from a US dialect perspective, I would reverse "never" and "did" as this is the common usage here.

Although the rhythm reads smoothly, this has a conversational or journalistic quality more than a lyrical quality. Since he was a pop musician, I think something more rhythmic would be very appropriate.

All in all, this is well written and an excellent response to the prompt.
198
198
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

I am very grateful to read your perspective. I agree with your interpretation of most things mentioned.

As for the writing, it is clearly not a formal article or essay, and not as well written as other things I have read of yours. I assume your priority was communicating content and you were not as focused on quality of writing. Of course there is also the issue of dialect: "Pretty little" is something we would not write in the US.

So, it is hard to critique. If have misread or misunderstood your purpose in this piece, please let me know and I will read with an eye more focused on the writing than the content.

Thanks for sharing.
Elizabeth
199
199
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

Thank you for posting this information. We need it if we will ever change our system. Your content is consistent with my experience working in a hospital based mental health facility.

I wish you had included more information about India.

As for the writing, I see no problems.

Thank you for sharing this and participating in an essential dialogue.
Elizabeth
200
200
Review of Dark Spaces  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

This is very close to good. It talks of a universal experience, giving the piece value, and is strengthened by the main observation of the event hanging around continuing to pose a threat.

Your use of language is very good.and you chose a meter that carries the reader forward. The weakness of the piece is inconsistent meter. Each line that has broken rhythm could be easily brought back into the established pattern by dropping a word without affecting the meaning at all.

This is on its way to being very good.
Thank you for sharing.
Elizabeth
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