Awwww...very sad story. You did a great job capturing the mother's sorrow and I did get a feeling that maybe the sister was kind of forgotten in all of the grief. I think the story could have been expanded a little more, especially the ending. It seemed to have been rushed a bit. I think that a little more information on the sick child would have been good also. Like how long she has been sick and a little more on what her feelings were - as you just skimmed on that and I believe if you let us into her feelings a little more, we'd be more impacted by her death.
I like the way you phrased the question she asked,
did God create her just to die like that? That really gave us an in-depth look at the way she felt so confused and in so much pain.
Even though we all knew what was going to happen, not how, but what, it was a great story. Very well told. It kept me interested from beginning to end.
I like that is was something natural which took her in the end. It's like when she was three, she picked up on where she knew she would die. Makes it scarier, because it is actually something which can happen in real life.
This is good, but I feel the main part of the story is rushed. It's just written like a regular happening in the story. I think you should write to build us up to that moment, let us know what they are thinking, feeling. I don't quite understand because they are talking about a ghost haunting the house and then all of a sudden that happens to them (don't want to give it away, as this is a public review) Maybe try to work on telling us more about the legend of the spell and how it came to be- Is the ghost the one who casts the spell? Did I miss that? Why? Why does the one who casts the spell not want the sundial to be cleaned? What's the purpose of this? Just some questions that might help you if you do decide to edit this any at all. Thanks for sharing with us.
The writer takes us back in time, down memory lane. She explains a few things we use to do and then goes into a bit more detail on puppy love and meeting up with them again in the future, just to really find you don't have that much in common anymore. It's a cute tale to read and one we can all relate to, to some point.
The piece had a melancholy feel over it. I don't know if this was intentional, or if it's the author's memories coming through, bringing a bit of sadness.
In the first paragraph, your 3rd sentence jumps down. Something minor you may wish to fix.
It was nice reading a little trip down memory lane
This is a pretty good story, but has a tendency to drag in quite a few places. Maybe if you read through it and get rid of any unnesessary words it would speed things up a bit. Make it a little more smoother and interesting to read. Tell us a little more about Dani, how old is she? What happened to her mother and how long ago did it happen, that she still feels like she needs to fill her mother's shoes. I feel like if you address these issues the story will even be better. Good luck.
Tracey
** Image ID #1005011 Unavailable **
I loved this story and really enjoyed the end. I wonder why the teacher never introduced them before, it may of helped the old lady snap out of it, a little.
This is a very sad tale with a great unexpecting twist at the end. It takes place in the early 1900's, which I believe adds to its charm. Good job.
Very nice poem which shows the love you have for your friend. Just remember, no matter where they're at, they are always with us and now looking over us.
You did a very nice job with flow and rhythm. I don't see anything I would change.
We would all do a lot of things, once we have hind-sight, but unfortunately we don't. I am sure you spent as much time as you could with her. Especially having a family of your own. It's very time consuming.
This is a cute story of a love affair between two consenting adults -- although it is student and teacher. A definite no, no. What's good about that is usually you can make it through waiting on each other since a semester is only 3 months
The story seems rushed through a bit. I'd like more information, as I didn't really seem to get to know either character or anything about their surroundings. I think this could use a little work. Other than that, it's a cute story with a surprising twist ending.
In this writing a woman faces the truth of losing her stable mentality. It starts with little things and then gets to the point where she just has to walk away from it all. That someway in escaping the little room where it all took place, that maybe she could escape the confines of her mind as well. Taking along a watch and counting every second she walked out the door, until the watch dies and with it, so does her journey. Then at the end the quote left with the reader makes you wonder, "Did she actually leave her room at all? Or was it all an illusion of her mind?"
Very well told story. One that many can relate to on a certain level. Good job.
It's amazing the kind of things that we do with our children or grandchildren which end up sticking in our minds the most. It's usually the simplist things.
This is an enduring, sweet tale of just such an activity. The simple pleasure of setting around the table telling ghost stories.
I think you have a really nice story which would be a lot better if you fleshed it out just a bit. Give us a little more background information. Tell us more about the characters, enough to make us feel and care for them. You have the meat of the story already written down, now just embellish it a bit. I think it will help the story tremendously.
Cute poem which shows how a flea's life must be. I think I have to agree that this is their whole purpose in life -- to make the poor doggy just as miserable as they can. As a pet owner to 2 furbabies, and living in Florida, where it usually doesn't get cold enough, long enough, to kill them off during the winter - I can fully relate. That's why I'm continuously on a mission to kill
(the almighty flea, that is)
Nice job.
Tracey
This is very good and makes the reader think of the final time of judgement. I thought he was going to be granted a longer life. But the stark reality of when it's over, it's over, was presented instead. Personally, I think this approach slammed the poem home, so to speak. The finality of the end really made me think.
I remember one time I had a dream, where I died and went to heaven. I remember in my dream thinking, I hope this isn't a dream. I made it to heaven. Oh, I hope this isn't a dream then I woke up. I don't know why this made me think of that particular dream-- I guess it the feeling both of them brings is similar. Nice job.
This is a nice poem which clearly shows the authors state of mind at the time. The emotions shine through your words. The rhyme scheme of AABB works well with the writing. The rhythm is good, but a bit bumpy in places -- this can be easily fixed, by reading the poem a loud and adding or subtracting a syllble or two at needed spots. There's also a couple of places which read a little awkward to me:
The cancer eats my soul away.
Maybe consider putting cancer in italics. Because when you first read it, it sounds like physical cancer, only later do you realize it is a manner of speaking. Italics will take care of this.
A ray of hope from God descends.
The brutal scars begin to mend.
I see the babe upon the throne.
I know I'll never be alone.
I put the whole stanza, where others could follow the context in which way the word, babe was used.
Used like this, you would think it is God seen on the throne, but clearly it is someone who will bring you company, a mortal, not God. The way you have it here, just reads awkwardly.
These are just my opinions. Only mentioned to maybe help you see this in a different light. I hope the suggestions were helpful to you. Overall a very nice poem.
Your words read with a lot of emotion and passion. It makes me wonder if his son has a chance? With all the suicides in his family -- his grandmother and then his own father.
Talking about the orphange and them blaming and using the example of what happened in his life as his own fault and failings, remind me of the stories, one of our best friends tells us. He grew up in a Catholic orphange. They were so mean. I've always wondered how such hatred can come from people who are suppose to be about nothing but love....hmmm?
Your writing made me think of all these things. Any writing that gets your thoughts rolling is a job well done.
Wow- powerful story. I don't see how no one could get it. Even though it was so long ago, it was so horrible. But you're right -- the towers too, will probably end up being just a boring essay in a class one day -- holding nothing but boring historical facts. Is it that, or is it that we build up a thick wall around us the more we endure such tales as these? A way to protect ourselves from universal devestation just as we would in our personal strifes. Either way you look at it, it's a sad, hard, cruel truth and fact of our civilization -- our world, our souls.
Wow- what a wonderful story with a couple of great twists thrown in -- especially the ending. You did a great job with characterization and execution of the story.
My heart really went out to the little boy...I was thinking, boy, that would be one mixed up kid when he grows up. Shows what a great job you did bringing me into the story and given it life.
This is so funny and clever. You did a great job writing a deadpan biography. I did have a lot longer review I was going to send you that said all kind of nice things and things you would like to hear, maybe even need to hear-- but I couldn't send it, because I realized I ate it Sorry, couldn't resist.
Wow, Bill. This is so very good! I would see about getting this published in metaphysical, spiritual or enlightenment mags. It's really very deep and spiritual. How you actually took the parts of a dead man to get the message across of him being dead spiritually and mentally was absolutely mind-blowing. It was like I was reading out of one of my enlightenment books. I'm very impressed I don't think I ever seen this side of you. Wonderful job. So well done. Thanks so much for sharing this-- I'm passing this on to my sister
Tracey
I applaud your ability to stand up for our Country and do so with dignity and pride. I come off as too angry when I try to write something in answer to some of the writings I have seen about America. Thank you for writing and saying what so many of us have wanted to say for a long time. Our soldiers blood is spilled for the same countries that spit on us, but yet come to live in our Country. I hope that all who have felt grievance toward the U.S.A reads this and other writings similar. Thank you.
Tracey
Great job. I believe we have grown a lot as a Nation since that horrible day. Sure, we're going to have disagreements -- a household has differences of opinions, so surly so will a whole country. But during it all- even though we don't seem as close on the outside, we can take comfort in the fact that we do know how close we truly are when it comes right down to it. That closeness, proudness is not gone, it's just covered up a little with time. It took us a long time to show it again, but Lord, doesn't it feel good to know that it is there? I think it does. You did a fantastic job writing this. I love the way you ended it.
I'm sorry for your loss and hope you feel better soon.
This is so sad. The truth is hard to face sometimes-- especially when it's so hard to do anything about it. We can all adopt a child in third world countries. But we need to check out the companies and make sure we do so with a reputable one, where our money will actually reach the children. I have a poem that deals with sadness for the state of our world, if you want to check it out- it's "Look Away" [13+]. Thanks for sharing your writing with us.
Tracey
That's pretty funny. I think if you are going to write this as a short story, you need to write it out into paragraphs-- not write it in poetry form. Also, build up to it. Give a short story an opening, middle and end. You give us a tiny opening and jump right to the end. Build it up more. Tell us what ya'll are doing, what does your surroundings look like. Describe what you mean by your sister is one of those people you would love to be around just because of the things she does that comes natural to her but not to the average person. I think if you try to re-write it like this, you'll be pleasantly surprised at the full short story you have written. Good luck and keep writing!
Tracey
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .
This is a very unusual story. You have to follow it very closely. I don't see how getting beat up would help him find what he is missing on the inside. Usually a person who feels like they are missing something tries to fulfill it with love. So how the whole self-abuse of people beating him up- I didn't quite understand. You did do a good job telling the story. Good job.
Tracey
Thank you for submitting this to "Invalid Item" . You should be very proud of yourself for already starting a novel at 13. Good for you! My suggestion would be to make the first chapter longer -- you want the first chapter to really pull the readers in. Give us more details of exactly what's going on. Why is Alex so important to her? If he's going to be back in a couple of days, why is she flipping out so much? I didn't quite understand the ending. I would expand on that as well. You do a good job with the characters and surroundings and getting the emotion across to the reader. You have a lot of talent. I know when you expand the story, it will really be a good read. Good luck
Tracey
What you have written here is very good. But to be a short story, as a reader, we want more. Expand it by explaining what's going on. You never make it clear through-out the writing. Let us know who it is coming to get you and why. What's going through your head? I really like the writing and it's hard to believe you're only 14- but it leaves you wondering what it was all about. I'm sure it will be a great story when you edit it and give us more details
Tracey
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/intuey/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/20
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.68 seconds at 1:18am on Feb 01, 2026 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
Puzzle Hub
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Awwww...very sad story. You did a great job capturing the mother's sorrow and I did get a feeling that maybe the sister was kind of forgotten in all of the grief. I think the story could have been expanded a little more, especially the ending. It seemed to have been rushed a bit. I think that a little more information on the sick child would have been good also. Like how long she has been sick and a little more on what her feelings were - as you just skimmed on that and I believe if you let us into her feelings a little more, we'd be more impacted by her death.
The cancer eats my soul away.
A ray of hope from God descends.