You tell a good story full of emotion. I can see how that incident had a strong impact on you. The only thing I don't understand is it sounds like it was just a whipping with a belt. While I know not everyone condones this behaviour, there is a difference between a whipping and a beating. If it was a beating with a belt, show us more where we'll get the feel of it being more than a whipping *granted, it should have been on the butt and not the arm* but did it draw blood? Was she left with horrible welps and deep purple bruises? What made you think this was a beating?
Thanks for sharing your story with us. As a writer of some things in my past I know it's not always easy to write about it. Whatever happened that day it had a bad impact on you and that is truly what the whole incident means; what it did to you and how it made you feel. It's ashame you felt such guilt at the age of 5. You were a baby, you couldn't do anything to stop it. I hope you have found your peace with it.
WRITE ON!
Tracey
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How sad and horrible. This story has a lot of potential. I would rewrite it and expand on it. Everything happens so quickly and you have a lot of action in it. Draw it out some, show us the emotion in the different kids, the parents, show us descriptions around them, the smell in the air. Maybe before the kids go out, give us an example so we know the parents aren't getting along and something may be brewing bad back home. Great story line and will make a wonderful story when fleshed out a bit more. Throughout your story you have periods before and after the dialogue, most can be changed to commas. Try putting the dialogue on lines by themselves -- it helps the writing read smoother and looks more professional. Here are a few mistakes I found:
looked around and stilllaying
looked around and still laying
“Now your it.“ Tracie
"Now you're it," Tracie
twin brother Camron and his best friend Holly.
twin brother, Cameron and his best friend, Holly.
house two you know.”
house too, you know."
WRITE ON~
Tracey
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I went to send this and my logged in time ran out, so I'm having to rewrite it-UGH!
I don't give too many 5's at all, but every once in a while a story will show up that truly deserves it. This is definitely one.
I really got into this story. You did a great job correlating the two lives of the girls from different time eras. You really made me feel for both of the girls. I wanted to be able to reach through the words and help them. I yelled to Jamie in my mind for her to tell someone what truly happened, I called for justice for her and her attacker. I really felt for her when even her father turned against her; shame on him. You made me think about the old days and how anyone could accuse someone, and the terrible torture innocent people were put through.
I stayed interested all the way through. You accomplished what a story is suppose to -- engrossing the reader in totality.
EXCELLENT JOB!
Tracey
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This was a very cute read. It read very realisticly of just how a young boy would act with a new toy. I liked how you said, "even licked it" I could just see him walking into the kitchen with the steering wheel around his neck. We have all been there, done that in our life time.
Great job.
Tracey
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Welcome to WDC! I know you will grow to love it here. We're glad to have you with us. Please contact me if you have any questions.
I enjoyed your writing, it's very well written. You speak honestly and straight-forward. You're right, life is a trade-off. Going to college you will be trading up (I like that term, it can apply to so many things in life) I really think you will love college. I know it's scary, but it's great to have your independence. Since you'll be around so many in the same boat as you, you'll find many people to turn and talk to about the different emotions you'll be going through.
Make sure you keep writing! You have the talent for it
Good story. You let us get to know your main character pretty well. I think it would help the story quite a bit to show us the fight scene between them. It would really add a lot -- right now, you're doing a lot of telling. Why not have dialogue between them, starting with him asking her to come to his apartment and play out the whole scene which took place afterwards? The action would be fantastic. Please let me know if you decide to do so, I'd love to come back and reread and rerate.
Tracey
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It has happened to so many. Most women are scared to tell anyone -- whether it is from being ashamed, or feeling like no one would believe them - they keep it to themselves. It's such a shame that they think they have to live with something has horrible as that. Thank you for speaking out. You never know how many you may have helped. How many you may have gotten to speak out and finally tell! God bless you.
A couple of errors I found:
things like this can happen to even if you think it can't.
things like this can happen to you even if you think it can't.
The more I talk and the sponger
The more I talk and the stronger
I enjoyed reading this story. It kept me interested from beginning to end. You made your characters believable and realistic. I think in some places it would have been nice if you described more of what was happening, instead of just tell it. Also, would his legs burn if he ran up the stairs where he lived, all the time? It doesn't seem like they would, as he would be use to the exercise (unless he just moved there) which it sounds like he has been living there a while.
I would have liked to known what was wrong with Charlie.
I like the whole idea you used to write this story- very original and creative. I also like the ending. All and all a nice job.
I really enjoyed this story. You did a great job using all of the prompts. You did use, "an evil spirit" in a way I wouldn't have thought of using, but it definitely works. Your characters are very strong and vivid. You also describe the surroundings vividly. Nice job.
The end comes a little abruptly - at first I thought you were talking about the first couple, and I wondered did he go into a burned down home? But then I think you were talking about him and her? So, the end could be made a little more clearer.
It's amazing how wonderful a story is waiting to be told with just a few prompts, isn't it?
Wow, what a great piece of writing. You use all the senses to pull us deep within the writing. I love your word usage. It is so vivid, I could place myself in the main character's shoes.
The way you ended it is fantastic. I would have never guessed he was practising black magic and that was what put him there. Excellent.
Great ending to a good story. I never saw that one coming You did a great job on building up the suspense and tension. It was just like watching a horror movie, when you want to yell to the person, "RUN!" It did kind of make me wonder though since he was so bold doing what he did in such a public place, if there were any other incidents before this one? Was this just the start or have warnings already been advised? Nice job. Again- I loved the twist!
Tracey
What you have written is good and imaginative, but it does need a good re-read. You have a lot of small mistakes which could easily be found with a slow reading out loud. Even though the story is mainly about the woman he watches, I get the feeling that it is really just as much about him. Maybe he is actually sensing a lot of his insecurities and lonliness in her face. At least this is what I seemed to pick up from it. Nice job.
Tracey
Bitter-sweet story. You did a great job letting us get to know the teller. You gave just enough back-ground information. I think it would have been nice to introduce Mrs. Davis earlier into the story and have the two have a certain bond where it hits home whose grandson it was who commited the robbery. I think it would make for a greater impact.
I also wonder if it's the boy's first offense, and if so, why would they be sending him to adult prison- and if it was drug related, wouldn't the defense attorney try to get him into a drug program instead? That is usually accepted in drug-related crimes, especially in the young, petty offenses or first offenses.
Bitter-sweet story. You did a great job letting us get to know the teller. You gave just enough back-ground information. I think it would have been nice to introduce Mrs. Davis earlier into the story and have the two have a certain bond where it hits home whose grandson it was who commited the robbery. I think it would make for a greater impact.
I also wonder if it's the boy's first offense, and if so, why would they be sending him to adult prison- and if it was drug related, wouldn't the defense attorney try to get him into a drug program instead? That is usually accepted in drug-related crimes, especially in the young, petty offenses or first offenses.
I don't know if you intended this to be a little on the comedic side as well as scary, but it was a delightful combination. I liked the way you executed the story. I loved your characters, they were so full of life. I think if you give a little background information on how the candles is suppose to counteract the spell and what the meaning of the ram's head was, when found would add greatly to the story. Does she ever find out why the old woman put a curse on her house? If you decide to revise this and add this information into the story, I'd like to re-read it. Nice job.
Welcome to writing.com. If you have any questions at all, please don't hesitate to ask. Maybel cried
Great story. You really made us care about your characters. Although, I figured out the 'surprise twist' before it happened, it did not take away from the story. After I finished your story, I just sat back and thought about it a few minutes. Which is always a sign of a good story It's so nice they were able to find one another -- everyone deserves happiness and it's so great that they both found it, so they were able to die happy and content. Nice job.
Tracey
This is good. You do a great job using your words so we can vividly see each scene as we read. I can almost feel his desperation of wanting to die, but not being able to as he must die the death of a warrior, which is in battle. The only thing I'd really suggest is changing this out of the short story genre, as it doesn't really fit into the short story category. I would suggest prose. Nice job.
Tracey
Awwww...very sad story. You did a great job capturing the mother's sorrow and I did get a feeling that maybe the sister was kind of forgotten in all of the grief. I think the story could have been expanded a little more, especially the ending. It seemed to have been rushed a bit. I think that a little more information on the sick child would have been good also. Like how long she has been sick and a little more on what her feelings were - as you just skimmed on that and I believe if you let us into her feelings a little more, we'd be more impacted by her death.
I like the way you phrased the question she asked,
did God create her just to die like that? That really gave us an in-depth look at the way she felt so confused and in so much pain.
Even though we all knew what was going to happen, not how, but what, it was a great story. Very well told. It kept me interested from beginning to end.
I like that is was something natural which took her in the end. It's like when she was three, she picked up on where she knew she would die. Makes it scarier, because it is actually something which can happen in real life.
This is good, but I feel the main part of the story is rushed. It's just written like a regular happening in the story. I think you should write to build us up to that moment, let us know what they are thinking, feeling. I don't quite understand because they are talking about a ghost haunting the house and then all of a sudden that happens to them (don't want to give it away, as this is a public review) Maybe try to work on telling us more about the legend of the spell and how it came to be- Is the ghost the one who casts the spell? Did I miss that? Why? Why does the one who casts the spell not want the sundial to be cleaned? What's the purpose of this? Just some questions that might help you if you do decide to edit this any at all. Thanks for sharing with us.
The writer takes us back in time, down memory lane. She explains a few things we use to do and then goes into a bit more detail on puppy love and meeting up with them again in the future, just to really find you don't have that much in common anymore. It's a cute tale to read and one we can all relate to, to some point.
The piece had a melancholy feel over it. I don't know if this was intentional, or if it's the author's memories coming through, bringing a bit of sadness.
In the first paragraph, your 3rd sentence jumps down. Something minor you may wish to fix.
It was nice reading a little trip down memory lane
This is a pretty good story, but has a tendency to drag in quite a few places. Maybe if you read through it and get rid of any unnesessary words it would speed things up a bit. Make it a little more smoother and interesting to read. Tell us a little more about Dani, how old is she? What happened to her mother and how long ago did it happen, that she still feels like she needs to fill her mother's shoes. I feel like if you address these issues the story will even be better. Good luck.
Tracey
** Image ID #1005011 Unavailable **
I loved this story and really enjoyed the end. I wonder why the teacher never introduced them before, it may of helped the old lady snap out of it, a little.
This is a very sad tale with a great unexpecting twist at the end. It takes place in the early 1900's, which I believe adds to its charm. Good job.
Very nice poem which shows the love you have for your friend. Just remember, no matter where they're at, they are always with us and now looking over us.
You did a very nice job with flow and rhythm. I don't see anything I would change.
We would all do a lot of things, once we have hind-sight, but unfortunately we don't. I am sure you spent as much time as you could with her. Especially having a family of your own. It's very time consuming.
This is a cute story of a love affair between two consenting adults -- although it is student and teacher. A definite no, no. What's good about that is usually you can make it through waiting on each other since a semester is only 3 months
The story seems rushed through a bit. I'd like more information, as I didn't really seem to get to know either character or anything about their surroundings. I think this could use a little work. Other than that, it's a cute story with a surprising twist ending.
Good job.
Tracey
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“Now your it.“ Tracie 
twin brother Camron and his best friend Holly. 
house two you know.” 
This was a very cute read. It read very realisticly of just how a young boy would act with a new toy. I liked how you said, "even licked it" 