 I can see a lot of promise in this writing. It can almost be two different stories going on at the same time. I'm sorry but I was at a lost during most of the story. It hopped around so much, I lost what I was reading. Also, there is a lot of extra words, people and circumstances that were just thrown in, that really doesn't need to be there. I would work on a total revision for the story. I guess it didn't really seem to have a plot at all. Please don't be upset over this review. I have read another one of your writings, so I know you have talent-- and this story is so packed full, that it is like your brain was wanting to write a couple of stories at once. You are a very creative person. I will be happy to re-read this and re-rate it, should you decide to revise. Good luck to you  I have a few suggestions below:
 A man sits behind the counter of a convenience store, and looks up from the Sunday classifieds with red rimmed eyes as a customer enters; the Amtrak rushed past with a girl sleeping on a Teddy Bear in the window, and the bear looked to everyone it passed for help; mothers say they would jump before a car for their children, but they don't always get the chance - and Margaret stood on the corner waiting to cross, with her hood off despite the rain. -
This paragraph reads a bit choppy. Try:
A man sits behind the counter of a convience store, reading the Sunday classifieds with tired, red-rimmed eyes. A customer enters the store, as the Amtrack train passes by with a girl sleeping on a Teddy Bear in the train window. The bear seemed to be looking for help from everyone it passed.
The man behind the counter noticed Margaret, standing on the corner waiting to cross. Her hat was hanging down her back, even though it was raining outside.
 to make usual Sunday small talk then step right into her warm car.-
to make the usual Sunday small talk, before stepping into her warm car.
 thin crowd before the church -
thin crowd in front of the church
 staring at that car from her past-
staring at the car from her past
 I'm sorry I was late -
I'm sorry I'm late
 buried her face in his shoulder, wetting it just a little with four, maybe five tears. -
buried her face on his shoulder, wetting it with a few tears.
a forty-something man raked leaves in his front yard -
A man in his forties raked the leaves in his front yard,
meet at the Billy Jane Diner two -
meet her at the, Billy Jane Diner, two
gone there on for lunch
 over her husband and notice how graceful his back looked, turned to her.-
over at her husband and noticed how graceful his back looked.
She put on her coat, her gloves, her hat, and last of all her shoes, and walked out the door. -
She put on her: coat, gloves, hat and shoes. Quietly, she walked out door.
something pointed hurt in her stomach -
her stomach was doing flip-flops
And suddenly she was on the floor of the bar, her hair mingling with discarded peanut shells and sloshed beer, her hands clutching her stomach.-
WHAT? What happened? Why did she end up on the floor like this? I thought they were at a diner? I didn't even know they had time to order beer? This definitely needs an introduction and expansion
 
L*L,
Tracey |
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What a surprise ending. This is very creative and cute. It's always fun to take a fairy tale and make it into a new story. For a contest, I wrote a letter that snow white would have written to her step sisters. It was a lot of fun-- almost therapeutic 
with the Giant(comma) you and your 
I still do re-writes on items which I wrote years ago