Very good story. I loved the way that she happened to stumble on that during a dare; it's just like something kids would get into. You did a great job with the fight scene, I kept my eyes wide opened the whole time. I found it an enjoyable read with great imagery. I also found it interesting that you used the hero with the same name you use as your handle. It makes me wonder if there really is a creature called that, so I'd like to do some research to see if I can find out. Very good job, I didn't see any mistakes.
That's all you can do. I have been through the same with my 21 year old. They sound very much alike down to the way they play and love kids. I can finally see him growing up to be the man I always wondered if he would be. He's finally holding down a job and paying his bills, as he's been out on his own since he was 20 and my daughter has been on her own this year at 19. She's really grown up the lot from when she turned 19 to the end of her age, so don't lose hope-lol Good story with worries many of us go through.
L*L,
Tracey
This is one of the best horror stories I have read in a very long time. It's excellent. I love everything about it. I like the style you write it in. I like wondering what happened to him, and him walking into the scene that he did, and the ending is awesome. I like how you described his hell to be. Not only paying for, but the recognition of what he has done. Great job! I look forward to reading more of your stories.
I've enjoyed what you have so far. It's a nice indepth look at your thoughts. You were able to put it in writing very well. I enjoy prose writings.
It feels as if you're missing some passion from it. Usually, I find prose writings to be very passionate, and I feel like you were holding back some of your feelings. I think if you re-read it, and add a little more of yourself just by a few words, it can really add a lot of personal emotion and passion and will make it an excellent piece.
I like this line a lot:
A luscious fur may feel luxurious, but it is still a dead animal.
Very nice poem Becky. I enjoyed it. A little bit of the rhythm was off in some places, but not too bad as to disturb reading it. My favorite stanza is:
But when his eyes are opened
And he looks with love at others
He begins to see not strangers
But understanding brothers
So open up your hardened hearts
And let God enter in –
Good story Winklett! I really enjoyed the part about the dress coming up with the iron. I can relate to that-- you're in a hurry and turn the iron way up where it'll get hot and it gets too hot, eating your clothes! OUCH! You get us to care about your main character quickly, and leaving us relieved when things turn out well. Good job. Good luck in the contest!
This is a very powerful piece of writing! So many people go through life feeling that way, and take to severe actions because of it. It's an awful disease, and one enough isn't done about. Just like self-mutilation, enough isn't done about that either. You have taken both of these and shown how one disease to it's extreme can bring out another. Great job.
Very sad.
Good start to your novel. Congratulations on getting it published! Way to go. At the beginning the man who would never say anything, I was thinking he was probably death. Look forward to reading futher chapters to learn about him-- what he has to do with the story. Your imagery and characterization is fantastic.
Very interesting. Gives us a lot to think about. I wonder by the time we get through with our life, will not having to worry about accomplishing anything be a blessing, where you see it maybe not being one? I think it would be nice, after a long life of struggling to do what we need to do, to meet or wants and needs. You give the reader a lot to think about.
I'm the same way! I love darkness. My husband loves light. But we do mostly combine our likes and dislikes as he likes it semi-dark to watch T.V and loves a dark bedroom. So, at least we meet half-way, or a little more than half-way, I'd say I enjoyed reading this. Thank you and good luck in the contest.
L*L,
Tracey
Very cute and creative story. I have to wonder what's going to happen to the spaceship? Are they going to tell anyone? This could easily be continued into another adventure. Good use of imagery and characterization. My favorite part was her fast thinking! I was cheering her on Great job! Good luck in the contest.
L*L,
Tracey
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This is a very cute story, and could be made into a very nice children's story. I would expand on this story a lot. By showing us a lot more. You tell most of the story. Show us where the beehive was, how hard Gayo worked, what kind of things did the queen do to her that made their relationship so bad. Show the beehive under attack. Also, how Gayo happened to become queen of the new hive? Did the old queen just die? The bees had to be working for someone to stay. I think this story has a lot of potential, just give us some personality traits of the main bees, and imagery of what's going on. Good luck with the revision!
Great article. I think the gp system is wonderful! Not only does it generate money to help make writing.com profitable to you, it ensures us that it will always be here. You have to make money some way to pay for all the space we use; and you should be paid for your time it takes to make writing.com as fantastic as it is for us, the writers. Also, I find that the gp system is great fun for us to interact with each other with. Using and sharing gps is one of my favorite things to do. Although, I can't afford to purchase a lot at one time. The prices are reasonable enough where I can purchase them often, and keep my gp level up to use as: thank you for reviewing, great writes, as well as bid for sigs, merit badges, awardicons, charities and to hold fun contests, and events such as the auction I just held. Not only do I think the gp system is business smart and savy; I believe they help bring the community even closer together as the loving family that we have become. I say, thank you and well done!
L*L,
Tracey
** Image ID #838549 Unavailable **
Great job for your first story Nikola! I liked the way you intertwined the poem in with the story. You did great with letting us get to know the main character and the love he had for his wife. I also liked the way that you ended it. Well done! You do need to do a re-read as there are a few typos in it. Also, toward the end the bracket for closing the centering is backwards, so leaves the rest of your story centered. Just a few easy things you would probably like to fix. I look forward to reading more from you
Very good story with a hint of mystery and realism. I enjoyed the tone it was set in as it really helped the style of writing. I'd like to welcome you to writing.com. If you have any questions be sure to ask! Anyone that has been here a while will be happy to help you, including all moderators :) This is a fantastic site. It is ran very well, and the SM and SMistress always has us in mind when they are working to make the site even better, if you can imagine that-
I have to warn you though, the site is very addicting You are doing great to be so new and already have a few writings in your port. Congratulations! I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Awww...how sweet and sad, it almost makes me want to cry. I can really feel the love you had for your beloved horse. I am so sorry you lost him and after only four short months makes it even worse. One day you'll be riding him along the shoreline of Heaven. This poem really touched my heart.
I think you have a great imagination for writing children's books. You're series of short stories for kids are fantastic! Great job. I have a couple of suggestions listed below:
Books on aviation, books on gardening, books on astronomy, books on inventions, books on famous people, books on photography, books on dinosaurs and even books on books were all there for Bobby to discover.
In this paragraph, I know you are emphasizing how many books there are, but I really think it would sound better written like this:
(The first part sounds great, after curiousity, I would change it a bit, just a little)
Books on: aviation, gardening, astronomy, inventions,
famous people, photography, dinasours. Even books on books were all there for Bobby to discover.
-The end ends well, but I think if you had something like:[/c}
After the word reading, I would put a comma and say he found the magic that could take him away again, anywhere his heart desired, and he realized what he had been missing all those years.
Something like that-- that way it wouldn't end so abruptly. Just a couple of suggestions, I hope helps you some :)
This story is interesting and creative. However, I had a hard time understanding it. I felt like I missed the beginning and end, and only picked up the middle. Maybe you can add more details to it to let us know exactly what is going on. Is this some time in the future, or is it a different dimension? A whole other world? I think adding some details will help it a lot. Here are a few mistakes I found:
savage, liquid heat-I don't understand this. What kind of liquid heat?
This is a very good poem for your first one! Good job. Continue to write poems, you're good at it! I have a couple of minor suggestions, that will help the flow in the only two places I really seen the flow as a small problem:
I wonder if you'll catch me
If I take the fall.
Maybe if you add just one word to the second line:
If I ever take the fall.
I promise I will catch you,
So go ahead and take the fall."
In this one, the second line, I would just delete 'So'
Read it with the suggested changes, and see what you think.
This is a really great story Wenston! I love it. You made it sound so real, like you have been through it all before. I love how you took the mildewed ceiling to use it metaphorically for all the small things we take for granted in life.
You are very talented. You had me sucked into the story all the way from the beginning to the last word. Excellent job! I really enjoyed it.
You have a great story going. Very different. I'd like to find out if there really is no other place, and why? Or if it's just a lie, they tell the towns people. You're doing a good job. I look forward to reading the rest of the story when it's through. There were some slight mistakes, I have listed below:
expert I diving-expert in diving
- I think the second paragraph needs to be broke up some. It's too long. Also, when people are talking, I would put spaces in between them. Like this:
face with tiny blue eyes.
“Now, are you ready to try again?” Theo asked.
“Yes,” Marx said defiantly, “let’s just go.”
Marx prepared to dive in, when Theo stopped him.
beauty tat -beauty that
existed under the water-You don't have to, but I would put:
beauty that only existed under the water
Very heart touching story. Your pain and emotion was very strong through out the story, and I could feel the love you have for your son. You need to quit blaming yourself-- as a nurse, I can tell you there probably wasn't even any symptoms that morning for you to notice. This is such a strong piece that I know you would like to fix mistakes in it. Below is some of the mistakes I found. Read through the piece and find sentences that are run-on. Also apostrophes that are needed and things like that. You write very strong, and take us into your world of love for your son, and the pain that you suffered. My prayers are with you and your family.
heartbreaks.-Needs a question mark.
physically, testsphysically. Tests
overcome, he -overcome. Our baby
routine(,) to controlled chaos(,) as
from his neck on down
see him alive again
point, I'd later -point. I'd
yet. this -yet. This
looking, half -looking. Half
down mostly covered -down. He was mostly covered
so normal so small yet Not -so normal and so small, yet not
Great job! Welcome to writing.com-- you're doing great to already have an item in your portfolio just joining today! We're glad you're with us. I have to warn you this place is very addicting Be sure to check the site out, and if you have any questions, just ask. Your poem has great rhythm and flow. I could feel your emotion coming through. I look forward to reading more from you. It's hard, but if I had to pick my favorite stanza, it would probably be the last one:
The way you laugh,your infectious smile,
Anytime with you is always worth my while.
I know this feeling will never come to an end,
Because this angel was from God,my very best friend.
Intersting story. You have the plot for a story, now just take what you have here, and expand on it. Show us different parts of it. Your first paragraph should be expanded into at least three paragraphs. You need to let us know what's going on, how people are feeling, show us what happens, instead of just telling us. Also in the second to the last and last paragraph there are things that are confusing. You need to give us more details, and let us know why she thinks that way, did anything ever happen to her for her to think that way? Also, the ending was unclear to me. But I do think you have a great story plot to work with. If you expand on it and draw it out more by showing what's going on, I'd like to read it and re-rate it. Be sure to let me know
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You get us to care about your main character quickly, and leaving us relieved when things turn out well. Good job. Good luck in the contest!
Just like self-mutilation, enough isn't done about that either. You have taken both of these and shown how one disease to it's extreme can bring out another. Great job.
You are doing great to be so new and already have a few writings in your port. Congratulations! I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Books on aviation, books on gardening, books on astronomy, books on inventions, books on famous people, books on photography, books on dinosaurs and even books on books were all there for Bobby to discover.
Be sure to check the site out, and if you have any questions, just ask. Your poem has great rhythm and flow. I could feel your emotion coming through. I look forward to reading more from you. It's hard, but if I had to pick my favorite stanza, it would probably be the last one: