Sorry for the LONG overdue review! These past weeks have been crazy, I haven't even wrote anything in over two weeks let alone got much reading done. I actually finished your story a few days ago but never got the chance to get online until now.
This was a really good story, very meaningful. A little bit different genre than some your other works, but you still give it the same feel so great job on that. I actually got to the part where she was playing the piano and had to go to the super furry animals site to put the song on and read the whole story again whilst listening to it.
As usual you have written another excellent story! You have an amazing ability to keep the reader at the edge of their seat wanting more.
I have one suggestion if you'd like:
}As the police approached, he ran and hid somewhere in the house, never to be seen or heard from again.
- Personally I would add to this, just a little, but enough to make it fit in a bit more with the story. It might only take a few words, but to me it felt a little out of place in the story. If I can make a suggestion here is an example of how I might have written it:
~As the police approached, he stood up and walked into the house. The police followed but he was nowhere to be found. The house was searched from top to bottom. He had vanished without a trace.~
Just a thought I had.
It is great the way it is though! I really liked how much detail you were able to fit in in such a short piece. Seamlessly weaving it into the story.
Excellent story! I really enjoyed the suspense. There was great imagery and attention to detail when describing the well, it isn't easy to write a story that takes place in one setting, especially one as desolate as the bottom of a well but you did it very well.
I liked the way you continued to describe the well throughout, explaining a bit at a time rather than one long drawn out description, it really made it easy to keep going.
There are a couple word that I am not sure if they should be capital or not, I am not great when it comes to grammar and punctuation so correct me if I am wrong but does 'Rationalist' need to be capitalized? and what about 'Living' It seems to me that it would make sense to capitalize them in the context in which they are presented; I am not sure of this though.
One suggestions If I may would be to add more scare to Mary when the boy first shows himself. For the most part you can feel her fear by the great descriptions that you use - for instance when the children are pulling her under water, very good fear is shown - I found his initial appearance, however, somewhat lacking in fear. I mean if I woke up after falling in a well and saw a little boy standing there I would be freaked out of my mind. I didn't get that impression from her.
The character development was very nice though. I loved the way you told Mary's thoughts right before she thought she was going to die, this was a very clever way to add depth to the character and make the reader feel for her, without simply telling the reader the facts. Great Job!!
I REALLY loved this piece! the imagery is amazing! The character is very real. You can really relate to him. I mean most people (Guys and Girls) have felt the way he does, and been in a similar situation. This shows that even when you are down, nature continues to be happy, anyone can see it if they take time out of your life to realise it. Life goes on whether your happy or not so why not enjoy it.
Excellent meaning, Excellent descriptions.
A couple of things to point out:
Even though it was a little after 4am...
- I would add 'only' after 'it was'. It just seems to me like it needs it? Just my thought.
The light had now passed acorss the roundabout...
- I think you meant 'across'?
Thanks for the great read!
Take Care
Jesse J Burton
Review for – The Atlantis Discoveries (Prologue and Chapters 1 & 2) by DP
1. Read and re-read – Done
2. My first impression – Excellent job, You do an amazing job of keeping the
reader wanting more. It has a very Dean Koontz styled pace, but with your own personal
style of writing. I really enjoyed it. I would love to continue reading as you write.
3. Check for errors
spelling/grammar/typos/etc. – Your original text is in BLUE.
PROLOGUE
There were not very many things to point out here. You have done a great job of editing
it. Most of what I have to say are just suggestions from my own perspective, so you can
take and use them however you want.
Joe glanced up to see if he had time to reach the letter opener whilst the
cold-eyed killer still had his back turned.
- Although I do love the word ‘whilst’ and use it as often as I can, it seems to be out
of place in this story. I mean it is used correctly technically speaking. However to fit
in with the rest of the style I think ‘while’ would fit better.
Joe swung the keyboard forward, echoing his days as a cricketer years ago.
I love the use of the word ‘echoing’ here, very nice description. I don’t think
‘cricketer’ is actually a word? Not positive though, but you still know what you are
saying so you can leave it, or change it to ‘cricket player’. Personally I think I would
leave it as ‘cricketer’ myself, but I thought I would throw it out there for you.
- One thing I noticed is that you put your thoughts in “” such as - “Pity,” he
thought - as well as several other places. I would suggest just using Italics, the “”
aren’t necessary.
…mouth was taped closed and he watched as the slate-eyed man pushed back the
leather couch and antique low table.
- This seems a little redundant, I think you are trying to emphasis the ‘grey eyes’ which
is good, but it seems a little over re-mentioning it here.
CHAPTER 1
Not very much here at all to change. I think it looks great. The characters were VERY
believable. I particularly loved the description of Jericho’s ‘flat’. Jericho so far is
my favorite character. It is easy to see his personality through the way he lives his
life, and you match it very well with his dialogue and mannerisms.
It was soft and the new leather smell just caught faintly in his
nostrils.
- If you say ‘faintly’ you don’t need to say ‘just’, I know they mean different things,
but you get the idea from one without the other. Just a thought, removing ‘just’ I think
would give this sentence a bit more fluidity.
Why did they always send the youngsters with him?
- Do you think this should be italicized?
…it always came down to having to clear up after them.
- I think this sentence needs to be changed a bit. Perhaps something like ‘it always came
down to having to clean up after them.” Or something like that? And I wasn’t sure if you
meant ‘clean’ instead of ‘clear’ they both work niceley.
- The use of ‘Whilst’ in Jericho’s dialogue DOES work good there. I like it!
- I really like the way you use the officer’s full name ‘Jude Thomas’ it really adds to
his sense of authority and character.
- There is a missing ‘.’ after ‘Dr’ in several places when referring to ‘Dr. Vyse’. I am
not sure if that was on purpose?
We’ll make people have to totally rethink world history.”
- I think the word ‘totally’ here is out of character, it sounds very ‘junior high’. I
think Jericho would use the word ‘completely’ instead to keep with his character.
CHAPTER 2
Another really good chapter; Fludd/Harry is a really good character. It is hard to write
someone who is schizophrenic and keep the writing fluid. You have a done a great doing
just that. Knowing who the real killer is too adds to the pull of wanting to read more.
Not to much to point out here.
The man walked to his blue Mondeo at the kerb before stopping to look up
and down the length of the empty street.
- Did you mean ‘curb’ ?
Inconsistencies and other notes – Nothing that I could see.
4. Flow/Form (Poetry) – N/A
5. Imagery – Your descriptions are very well written. I could easily SEE ever
stage and character without any difficulty. You tell the reader everything they need to
know, and leave out exactly the stuff that they don’t. Excellent job.
6. My over all opinion – I would really love to keep reading this story as you
write it. If it is ever published let me know, I will be your first customer. (And I want
a signed hardcover :P) I really like where this story is going. I am interested in knowing
what some of your favorite books are? I love reading people’s work on here and then
finding out what author’s inspired them. If I really like your work and you have books
that you recommend, chances are I will like them too.
7. General comments or suggestions – Again, I can’t really say anything except
great job.
A brilliant satire, and a great analogy. I really loved this piece. It is crazy to think about it in this context, especially when you compare the insects to humans, or stermines if you prefer.
This could quite easily have been s story about a family hiding out during a war, or perhaps a 'War of the Worlds' type situation but instead it shows the relationship that all organism's share 'survival'.
You could use this idea in other pieces as well, perhaps a war between two species of bugs, say red and black ants. You could easily compare them to different nationalities in our own species. It goes to show that no matter how small or large you are, survival of self and survival of species are the same on any scale.
Thank you very much for the interesting and unique read. I look forward to checking out the rest of your portfolio, if there is anything specific you would like my opinion on feel free to ask.
I did not see any obvious errors or anything that needs to be changed. It started well, brought the story to a climax, and ended well. If you wanted to expand on this you might add more character background, just to give more of a humanesque quality to the insects.
Thanks for sharing stories of your dogs, and the pictures as well, they are great. It is good to know that my sister's Jack Russell isn't the only one that's a monster :) I can't believe how hyper she is. I guess she is a puppy too, but it is great fun to play with her.
Here is the Review that you requested from Blue Rose Reviews.
******************************************************* Reviewed by Jesse J Burton A.K.A. Roland of Gilead
Secret Identity by E.E. Coder
1. Read and re-read – Done
2. My first impression – Excellent story. You really capture the emotions of the
main character (Josh) quite well. Reading along you get a good understanding of what it
must be like for someone who has to deal with being gay. I think this is something that a
lot of people can relate to, not all for the same reasons obviously, but most people have
had some kind of run in with bullying for one reason or another and I think the
circumstances are very similar. The ending was very surprising and tied the story
together nicely.
3. Check for errors spelling/grammar/typos/etc. – There were several errors, mostly minor typos and
such.
- “the memories of his dream still vividly in his mind.” – Should be ‘vivid’.
- “he would rather be a “queer” than to be a “faggot”.” – The ‘to’ here is unnecessary.
- “you don’t stick your wienie into THEIR butts!” – I think the emphasis here should be
on ‘butts’ not ‘their’. Also I would spell ‘wienie’ like this ‘weenie’, both spellings
are correct however, this is just a personal preference.
- “catching it with his brand new Fielding glove.” – You don’t really need a capital ‘F’
here.
- “so they slowed to a ambling walk.” – Should be ‘an’.
- “”Oh what?” Mark sneered again widley “the little sissy boy has to get home to his
mother?”” – A few things with this sentence. First ‘widley’ is spelled ‘widely’ also it
should have a ‘.’ after it and then ‘the’ should obviously have a capital ‘T’. Also
‘mother’ kind of sounds out of place here, I think ‘mommy’ would be better. Just my
opinion.
- “”Yeah well,” Mark sneered “if I want someone to walk with maybe I will find one of the
firstgraders, they probably aren’t afraid of the dark like some homo, hahahaha.” – A
couple things here. Should be a “.” after ‘sneered’ and a capital ‘I’. You might
consider changing ‘I will’ to ‘I’ll’ to keep consistent with the dialogue. Also
‘firstgraders’ should be two words. And lastly, I would consider changing the ‘,’ after
‘homo’ to a ‘.’ for to add emphasis, and of course add a capital ‘H’.
- “but no one really cared about or who cared for him.” – I think you just need to re-do
this sentence, I get what you are trying to say, but it doesn’t come across clearly.
- “looking for kids sneaking cigarrettes.” – Should be ‘cigarettes’.
- “”well young man you messed around long enough that…”” – Should have a capital ‘W’ on
‘Well’.
- “”hang on just a sec. I’ll be right there…”” – Just another missed capital.
- “Josh stiffened his back and turned back to confront Mark over the fence.” – Consider
re-writing this as well, the use of ‘back’ twice crowds the sentence.
Inconsistencies – Just a couple of things to mention.
- “Josh would have the comfort and safety of his own house for three solid months, plus
his mom working nights and the odd double shift at the hospital he would be pretty much
on his own which suited him just fine.” – If his mom was working night shifts, wouldn’t
that mean she would be home sleeping during the day? Also this is a VERY long sentence,
I would consider re-vamping it a bit. Also there should be a ‘with’ after ‘plus’.
4. Flow/Form (Poetry) – N/A
5. Imagery – Very good imagery as far as the story goes, you don’t say a whole lot
about the characters looks, but this works with this story because you don’t notice it.
You give just enough detail to let the reader form an image in their own mind and that is
good. Your descriptions are well displayed and well thought out.
6. My over all opinion – I enjoyed this read and recommend it to anyone looking
for something that is a little different, but very good; a unique coming of age story.
7. General comments or suggestions – I think with a little tidying up and perhaps
a few small changes this could be ready for publication.
8. Star Rating 1-5 – ****
Review courtesy of Blue Rose Reviews
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1074121 by Not Available.
Welcome Newbie :) I am... Oh wait I am not a newbie anymore, haha I was until 3 days ago though! But welcome either way!
You have a good start to a story here. There are a lot of ways you can go with this which is good. I like the characters so far, they are relatable. You can see them as you read along. Maria's accent is coming along as well, keep it up.
Suggestions
- "Morgan instantly regretted choosing to wear her blue suit to greet her uncle in." - The 'in' isn't neccesary.
- "Her uncle wore a black suit and his black hair fell to his shoulders." Here you might try saying "Her uncle wore a black suit that matched the color of the hair that fell to his shoulders." Just a suggestion.
- "She was at a lost of words" - I think the phrase you are looking for here is "She was at a loss for words"
- "Intricicate designs were carved into the walls and crystal stautes and chandiliers were all over the walls." - Just a couple spelling errors, no big deal. Good description here.
- "Expensive rugs and tables were spread about the room, and it was beautiful." This is an example of 'Show' VS 'Tell', something I am thriving to add into my own work. What I mean is rather then telling the reader that it is beautiful you might have a character say "it's beautiful" or just leave it off since your description implies beauty.
- ""Don't worry. He isn't always that gloomy. Today 'as just been a bad day for 'im."" - This is a great accent here, one thing to add maybe though is "Don't worry. 'e isn't always that" just to keep up with the rest of the accent. Just a thought.
Overall
There is definately potential for a good story here, keep writing I look forward to further additions, and once again welcome to WDC.
This was an excellent piece, The emotions came across clear, and very relatable. I have felt this way myself many times and can understand what the character is going through.
I do not have any suggestions, for I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors, but I will tell you my interpretation of the piece so that you can see if the message you are trying to portray, is the one that I got.
My Interpretation
I get the feeling that this character has longed for a relationship. He probably thinks about it constantly, basing most of his daily decisions on how they will affect his potential to find that special someone. For instance he may have chose rowing to be a hobby of his because of a girl that he has seen doing the same thing. It isn't neccesarily that he is obessed with finding a relationship, but more that he can't find any happiness in himself (or so he thinks) until he has found her.
I also think that he is on the verge, if not standing just inside the line of depression. He is unhappy with his life the way it is going, but can't figure out how to change it to be the person he wishes he could be. I see him as a passionate caring person who feels the world is dumping on him for being a 'nice guy'.
The rowing also acts as a way to escape real life, he may, and probably does do this with other activities as well. Most likely he feels comfortable most when he is alone rather than in a group of people because he feels that he doesn't fit in. But in actuallity a group is what he years for the most, a place TO fit in.
I know this may not be what you are looking for in a review but I hope it helps if only a little.
Excellent story, you definately kept my attention, it is everything I can do right now to right this review whilst the answer to what he found in the box awaits me in the next part. I feel I owe you atleast these few moments of my time however, for giving me such an interesting story to read.
I only noticed one small thing that I am not sure if I am correct on so feel free to let me know if I am wrong.
- "but who? And Where……?" should "Where" have a lowercase "w"?
Quite a scary thought, that there are people out there that have that much disregard for people's well-being. Especially those that take on a position in that field. If I may I would love to recommend the book "Travels" by Michael Crichton. This is a sort of Biography of his life, the first part deals with his life in med school. The reason Michael Crichton is able to right such believable ER scene's is because he actually IS a doctor, Almost. As he went through med-school he realized how much corruption, and how bad people can be, through similar situations as you describe here and the mistreatment of patience Michael decided that he could not be a doctor and see the senslessness that goes on everyday around him, and so he took up his first passion and became a writer.
I really enjoyed reading your piece and understanding a bit about what you must have been going through, we can all hope that things aren't as bad now as they were then.
Excellent writing, very emotional, I would love to offer some advice, but I can't think of anything that would change this to make it better than it already is.
Excellent! I loved it, you captured the characters exactly. Maybe it is because I have read the books and seen the movies that I could so easily place the face to the dialogue, but I am pretty sure that it has more to do with your great writing.
This was a very interesting story, you have know idea what's going on until the end, and that's the way I like it. There was some very good word usage here, some that I really liked were:
- "cool air to molest his arms."
- "was taking up residence on his kidney area"
These give a great visual that allows the reader to understand the actions better than saying "touched" or "sat".
Suggestions for Story
I thought the idea was very good, you grasp a basic understanding of what the character it going through, I would have liked to know a little bit more about why? he was in the desert to begin with, even just a hint that would allow the reader to speculate something. Also other than the sores and description of his skin, I don't really know too much about what he looks like, i.e. his clothes, looks, height, etc.
The description of the desert was very well done, it really gave me a feeling of desolation.
Suggestions for Grammar, Spelling, Punctuation
There were a few mistakes, nothing that a good read over wouldn't take care of though, mostly minor spelling errors such as missed letters or misused words.
Examples:
- "allowing to cool to molest his arms."
- "He though before crunching it underfoot."
There were a few others, as well as another "though" without the "t".
Also for instances when the character is thinking, you may consider putting his thoughts into italics.
Example:
- "They got a nice big electric fence around the beaten path just for dear ol’ me. Bastards."
or even
- "Son of a bitch at the end of the one paragraph, just to show that it is seperate from the direct narration.
Overall
I hope you can use some of these suggestions, over-all I think you have a good stroy here, short and to the point, but with all the neccessary parts of a good story.
really good story, you really portrayed David Bradshaw very well, giving the reader a feel for his character. The writing flows very easy.
I wonder about the part where he thinks he has a possible homicide on his hands? nothing (to me) gives any inclination of why he may think this, a Girl is riding wobbly with no lights, I would personally think more that she was drunk. When she hits the car, I am not sure if it was the impact that "apparently" cause the blood, making her crash the cause of her apparent death, or if she was covered in blood to begin with, I am sure adding a little bit will clear this up quite easily. Perhaps I am just reading it wrong?
The only other thing I noticed was
- "these parts begin sometime after five in the evening" - should be a plural "begins".
Other than that is was a really good story, great ending.
There is some good description here, With some development you could have some really good characters. I think you need to elaborate on it though. Perhaps tell a little bit more about what Fael and the hinter look like. If you wanted to add length you could even describe Cris, and his home.
I think you need to read this story, perhaps out loud. There are several cases that you missed letters in words or used "the" instead of "that" and things like that one example is below. If you read through it you will see what I mean. (These are minor, but can really make a difference in the end)
This was an EXCELLENT story, I really enjoyed it. Your writing style was very easy to follow and without the use of a lot of dialogue you managed to get the reader to understand the feelings of the characters. The details and descriptions as well were very well written.
This was a really good piece of writing, It really makes you think differently about homeless people. It makes you see how easy it can happen to you or anyone.
As far as the writing goes, there are a very few minor things. I didn't see any spelling mistakes, or misused words. One thing If I may suggest is in the second paragraph.
"I was heading for Starbucks, or as my husband calls it "four bucks", and a delicious hot"
The part between the ","'s seems a bit long, which makes it hard unless you re-read it without the center to grasp the concept. To me anyways. I personally would use "-" instead of ","'s just to let the reader know that the sentence continues from before the first comma.
example:
"I was heading for a Starbucks-or as my husband calls it "four bucks"-and a delicious"
This is only my opinion, and just a thought.
Other than that it looks really good. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Good story, I am looking forward to reading more, as well as finding out what got these characters into the situations they are in, as well as learning more about them. You might want to add spaces between the paragrphs, it just makes it a bit easier to read online.
A couple of things I noticed:
- "coupled with the low sun's drect rays, rendered him half" - misspelled "direct"
- "and they galoped along," - misspelled "galloped"
Also
"so they just had to leave the town as fast as they could and hope that the men didn't follow." - I think you could take out the first "they".
Other than that it was great, really good use of metaphors for description.
Keep Writing
Jesse
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jessejburton
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 11:01pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
