Review of Lone Wolf
Chapter 1
This is your story and only you can change it. If I make a suggestion you like, please use it. Dump all the others.
Sentences in red are ones you wrote. The sections in blue are also written by you, but the blue areas are the one I suggest changes to. Green is me rewriting the sentence.
P1 This first paragraph reminds me a marching cadence. All the sentences are about the same length. This can cause a hypnotic effect and put the reader in a trance, something you want to avoid. Even the 3rd sentence, which is a little longer, has a apostrophe in the center, making the first and second parts the same length as the other sentences. Change the length of the sentences.
P1 Unfortunately, I was living in a cardboard box for 2 years.
The rest of the paragraph is in past tense, this sentence is in present tense. Change "was living" to "lived".
Let me suggest you go into a little more detail with the 1st paragraph. This is a perfect spot to let your reader learn more of the protagonist. Give an example or two of the bulling he experienced while in the orphanage. Because of the bulling did he learn how to fight? Did he make a life-long enemy or perhaps a life-long friend? Give some examples of his experiences after leaving the orphanage. Did he have to steal food, was his clothing so ragged it would fall from his frame? Did he ever have to beg? Just letting the reader know he lived in a card board box is not enough to develop a feel for your character.
P2 But all that changed when I met Johnny Clemente.
Drop "But"
P2 He was a well connected mob boss and he took me in as the newest
Drop the extra "he"
Again, here is a chance for the reader to learn more of your star. There is a four year span of his life given and we learn little about him. Give an example of Johnny's connections. Did he ever take your hero to one of his meetings? If so, did your main character get the chance to become acquainted with other mob bosses? You mention Johnny's temper, but give no example of where you character was close when the boss got mad. Was his anger ever directed at you main character? If so, how did he react? Did he just cower and take it or did Johnny get the impression that maybe he did not want to push his luck too far with his top enforcer? Spend some time developing how your star rose in the ranks. What assignments did he carry out, before he was sent on the assassination, that earned him the position?
P3 Johnny Clemente
The reader learned Johnny's last name in the paragraph before this one. There is no need to repeat it.
P4 The protagonist is on his first major assignment, the one that will get the attention of the IAL. You need to go into more detail. How is it the hero knows Rosenberg frequented this bar? Did he just take the word of someone or did he do his own scouting, making certain he understood the target's habits? This is a fantastic place to add some suspense to the story. Have a problem occur. Your assassin carried out his first kill with no problems. Come up with a situation where it is not so easy for him. Perhaps something like while he was underneath the car, planting the bomb, the target came out and got into the vehicle. Now your assassin has to wonder if Rosenburg is going to drive away, perhaps wounding him in the process, or at least exposing him to plain view. He might not like the idea of an enraged grizzly come after him. Either of those things could happen, or the bear, after rummaging around in the car, gets back out and returns to the bar, carrying some item.
P5 The entire car burst into a large fireball, which burned at the car's interior, and Anton inside.
This sentence does nothing for the story. Think how you can make this more action packed and exciting. Think about Rosenberg, coming out of the car as a flaming touch, howling in pain and misery as he dies. Maybe he sees you star sitting in his car and realizes he was the one the set up the fire bomb. He can stumble for him, wanting to embrace him in his fiery embrace as he dies. He falls to the ground just before reaching the car.
P5 I then started my car and casually drove away.
There was a fire bomb that just went off. A huge explosion and car fragments flying all around. This sentence could be improved. Instead of him casually driving away, why not have some of Rosenberg's friends/acquaintances/thugs come racing out of the bar to see what all the commotion is about. Perhaps they see the hero as he drives away and give chase, wanting to avenge Rosenberg.
P6 Okay, the hero is on vacation as a reward for killing the grizzly. I have to tell you, that is one dull vacation. Let's live some of the night life in Hawaii. Does the hero meet a lady friend? Even if only with her for the week, we can learn move about him as he spends time with her. Does any conflict arise in Hawaii? Perhaps a jealous boyfriend of the lady he is with takes acceptation to your star being with his woman? Does he gamble? If so, does he win or loss, and how much? (Just a side not here on this. Heroes that always win and never lose can get to be boring.) Maybe he decides to take a helicopter ride over the volcano to get a birds eye view, right as the volcano makes a heavier than normal eruption. It might be that he notices he is being observed and later finds out the one(s) observing him are scouts for IAL, checking up on him to see if he is worthy to join them. Perhaps his lady friend (if you decide to give him one) will also be a scout, one he later forms a partnership with. There are many things he can do n vacation to drum up some action, at let us learn more about him. This is the start of the tale and you are laying the ground work for the rest of the novel.
P7 When I got back to the states, I found an envelope in my apartment. It was a blank red envelope, and if I remember right, it said
States needs to be capitalized. I found a blank, red envelope. It said:
Drop the "and if I remember right" and put a colon after said. Omit the space between P7 and P8 and make in a single paragraph.
Your star is now a murderer. Finding an envelope in has apartment letting him know other entities were aware of this should cause more of a reaction from him than "Eh, why not?"
P11 I thought to myself.
This sentence is redundant. When you think, unless you are at a psychic convention, it is understood to be to yourself. Who else would you 'think' to? Drop 'to myself'.
In this review I referred to you hero as: hero, star, assassin, main character, top enforcer, and protagonist. The reason I did that is as of yet, he does not have a name. You may want give him one.
I will review your other chapters in the next couple of days. If you decide to make any changes to the prologue or Chapter 1, after you make them I will review them once more.
Your prologue was 504 words long and chapter 1 is 548 words in length. These are short. You need to add much more detail and events, at least starting with Chapter 1. If not, this will either be an extremely short book or else set a record for the book with the most chapters.
Happy writing,
John
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