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1
Review of The Moonstone  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Purple Princess Author Icon


I enjoy your story. Below I'm going to point out a few things that you might consider in editing. They just my suggestions, and you can do anything you want with them.


I suggest starting a new sentence at "Maybe", and then deleted the word "and". Someone (Me) might think Mandi is Rachel's sister. Or that Sylvus is her brother.

...to take Rachel for a ride, and maybe go visit Kaci, her sister Mandi, and their baby brother Sylvus.

...to take Rachel for a ride. Maybe they can visit Kaci, her sister Mandi, and their baby brother Sylvus.



He when to fight a dragon without a sword? And he so happens to found one. Or he lost it in the forest and found it just in time?

He let his hand slide down to his leg to pat his sword, thankful that he found it in the forest that day


Make a new sentence at "Addison thought...." and deleted "and"

It had been two weeks since the magic sword made the dragon disappear, and Addison thought Rachel played outside again...

It had been two weeks since the magic sword made the dragon disappear. Addison thought Rachel played outside again...



I think readers will assume that is his nickname. No need to tell us.

“Rachel! Addi!,” Kaci called, running toward the pair, using her nickname for Addison.


Addi is the nickname that Kaci uses not the Narrator. I suggest that you his full name in narration. Unless you have a reason for the Narrator to call him that. For example, if Kaci is the one narrating, but you don't want us knowing that.

Addi followed closely behind.

Addi turned to say something to Rachel, but she had vanished.

Kaci, Mandi, and Addi moved to Rachel...



I suggest deleting this sentence or rewording it, unless you are advancing the plot by two years. Readers might think two years had past. It's best to save that for the end of the story or use at a different place in the story.

In two years he managed to bring three different stones to Rachel.


I suggest that you rewrite it: Here is an example of what you can do. Plus, the end revealed he lied about the stones, so you want this to be an open-ended comment that suggests that it could go ever way.

Perhaps in couple years he might find more moonstones.




I like the Moonstone idea. It has many possibilities for new stories and advantages.


A questions readers might have that you can answer in another chapter or story.

*BulletV* Where did he find the moonstone?
*BulletV* What powers does it have? (Teleportation, forcefield, Phase-shift)
*BulletV* How would his sister use her new abilities?
*BulletV* Why will be seeking the moonstone as theirs? (This is suggestion, but someone evil might want to claim it)




These are the three types of abilities I pick up on while reading the story: Teleportation, forcefield, Phase-shift or Density-shift:


Phase-shift: The ability to move to different dimensions. Like how we have 3 (Depth, Horizon, and vertical: A cube). The ability to shift to new planes that make the person seem like ghosts and allows them to move through objects.

One pitfall they never answered in sci-fi, is how do you breathing, why don't they fall through the ground, and where does the heat come from

Density-shift: Inside of Phase-shift, it could be Density-shift that allows a user to change their bodies density in a way that allows them to move through objects.

seeing his sister as a solid figure again



Teleportation:

“I just closed my eyes, rubbed the moonstone and when I opened my eyes I was inside the house standing next to Sylvus...



Forcefield: I'm just assuming that is one of the abilities.



I hope you enjoy my review,



This has been a Random Review
Agape Novels


2
2
Review of Beach  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon


I want to start off by saying I not good at reviewing poems but I will give it a try.

I think the poem is about a little boy or girl spending the day with his father in the ocean. Or the reverse of that: father spending time with his son or daughter. The child is having fun with his dad. And views it better than the pools that are man made. It seems free-form since the each stanza is uneven. Maybe add two lines to the last one.

How I see it

The first stanza: Someone has a near miss of a jellyfish whose stings are dangerous. Yet, you point out how the person connected to the ocean. This suggested that the person enjoys the ocean very much and feels connect to it.

Again in the second stanza how much the person enjoys swimming in the ocean. And want to say as long as s/he can. Perhaps, the father also enjoys the ocean.


At first, I thought the third stanza was describing man-made pools as "temporary micro-ecosystems". Then I looked up the word breakwater (So now I have to rethink the last Stanza)

"A barrier built out into a body of water to protect a coast or harbor from the force of waves."



Last Stanza: It reinforces how much the person cares and enjoys the ocean since they knew terms like "breakwater". (I live in Arizona, so I'm not familiar with ocean terms.) If I had to guess the person may not like Man missing with nature and the ocean.

That is what I got from it. I help it helps you in some way.



This has been a Random Review
Agape Novels


3
3
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I'm not sure how to review poems, but I will give it a try. Don't be often if I get it wrong.

I think you are talking about someone that died: echoes, fragrances, memory

I'm not sure what you mean you mean by bleeds white

The second possible I had...I look up "bleeds white": Someone that extort money or blackmails someone.

It could be about funeral homes stealing your money to bury the dead (but I don't think it is).

The poem talks about rebirth or renewal. And you have these genres: Romance/Love, Relationship, Women's

I don't want to offend you, but I had another idea. The poem is talking about sex at night time. Since all three of our last lines takes about the new day coming after the second lines that talk about a fleeting moment that passing by very quickly. (Gone before the morning star rises)

So I'm not sure if this is about someone in love, or maybe (don't be offended) Prostitution? Because of the "Bleed White" idioms, and inhale the fragrance.

If I'm wrong, don't be mad. Like I said, not good with review poems. Though it could also be talking about the death of someone's soul as they do some they don't want.


This was a Random Review.
Agape Novels
4
4
Review of Wrong Turn  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear firedog


This is an interesting story. Though my Christain faith says heaven is much different than the heaven in your story, but I'm going to do my best to review your story. I know this is a fictional story, so I'm doing my best to stay in that field.

Suggestions:
Since in Heaven, time is different I do not think anyone needs to wait in line. I think you could add a twist that everyone is in front of the line at the same time.

The angle could have removed his memories, but then you would not have much of a conflict. But you could explain why they would not do that.

This phrase should be italicized since it's his thoughts. "Where in the hell am I? Why am I dressed like this and where is my tat?"

It might be interesting if instead of walking up in heaven, the story starts off with him in a new body with the last memory being is death. Then he learns of the reason why. And slowly regains the memories of what happen in your story.

Below are questions to consider to improve our story.

Questions:
Why would God allow the separate Heavens?
Who or how is it determined who is allowed in Heaven?
How can hate even exist in heaven in the first place?
Why would these souls have the same nature as on earth?

In the Christain faith, when you accept Jesus into your heart, you became a new creature--you have the same natural as God. How does that work with your story?

So the heaven in your story is base off works, not faith. I'm not sure if I read that part right.

How would he returned to earth if he choose that path?
Would he be in a new body?
As a new-born baby or someone that just died.
How long would have past since he died?
Would he not be able to tell his love ones he is back?

Wouldn't the Muslim there, find it strange that he was in "their" Heaven. Since the angle, at first, didn't want anyone knowing about the different heavens.

Paperwork? I wouldn't think there be a need for paperwork in heaven.

Can someone in heaven be tempted by the devil? So why would they cuss, since curse words only speak a curse. Or do any evil--like hate? I would think since heaven has all that you will need there be no need for separation. Unless Scott is being lied to?



I hope these questions and suggestions help in improving your work.


PS. In case you are wondering, I found your story from Random Review.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Dear Jeff


I enjoyed your responds. I did not intend to spend this amount of time reviewing, but I seem to always spend more time if I don’t watch the clock. I hope this review will get you to think about what you wrote.

My review is base on the context of your respond. It is meant to get you to think about what you wrote so improve your essay. I want it to expand your thinking. I wanted to address the topic in a way to get you to think about it outside of the box you put it in. It is not intended to attack your opinion of the topic or your writing skills.


First I like to address your format

If you meant this to be an essay, you should consider adding an introduction and conclusion paragraphs. Starting off with “The story answer is no.” is not proper for an essay. By the end of the first paragraph, we should know what your essay is about with a proper thesis. So I’m going to review this as if it was a response to a question.

I’m going to skip grammar and sentence structure since I’m not strong in those areas. But I might point out some if I seem them.

Consider revising this selection. There are run-on sentences that can be broken up.

Morality and religion are two entirely different concepts, morality being a doctrine or system of moral conduct or conformity to ideals of right human conduct1 while religion, on the other hand is an organized system of beliefs, typically in connection with a god or gods.


Forcing on the context of your essay

I believe you miss read the prompt. Even I miss read the prompt the first few times. But it only asked if the word “morality” derived from religion. And that is an entirely different essay than what you wrote. But since that was so easy misread, I’m going to response to your essay base on: Is our morality solely derived from religion.—which is what I think you were responding on. And not on, should our morality come from religion, since that is a different topic.

If it is not clear to your audience what you are writing about it, it would make it hard to prove your point. I believe you thought the prompt addressed: Religion as the sole source of morality. I think you were trying to prove that religion is not the only source that people use when defining their morality.

Suggestions:

You could have addressed it like this: Isn’t possible that people can use different sources for their sense of morality? I think you hinted at that in your essay, but I was not sure if that was your direction.

I want to comment about a few of your examples you used regarding atheists and hypocritical religious people leaders. I hope it can add value to the review and give you something to consider.

In one of your paragraphs, you pointed out that some “religious people” are hypocrites. You intended to use this as proof that your thesis that morality can’t come from religion (versus should not). But I would like to argue against that.

Morality and behavior are two different things. Just because you believe in something or agree with a moral principle doesn’t mean you always follow it. I’m sure you sin against what you knew was morally considered to be wrong. I believe a lot of people have. So your example doesn’t proof your thesis, but does proof that religion should not be the source of morality—versus it can’t. [Note that I make a distinction regarding the word “Should not” and “can’t”]. But your essay is not on that topic.

[Consider this thought]

In the previous paragraph, you address atheistic to proof that morality can’t come out of religion. But atheistium could be considered a religion. Their belief in no God takes more faith than to believe there is a God. Atheists might use the fact—in their minds—that there is no God and no consequences for their actions after death as a way to define their morality. They might use their belief to justify abortion or that one person is better than the other.

Your essay or responded should have proved that morality is not a sole derivative from religion—that religion is not the sole source of morality. But I think it proved more that religion should not be the source of morality in some cases.

And I think you miss a great opportunity in the below statement that you could have used to prove that religion is not the sole source of your morality.

In order for morality to be derived from religion, it would imply that religion is the source from where we draw morality.

You could have asked the reader to consider these questions to make your case. (And I want you to consider these questions also)

*Bullet* What if some people use their religion (or Religious leader) as the source of their morality?
*Bullet* What if some people look to a leader or King (government) as the source of their morality?
*Bullet* What If some people use their personal relationship with Jesus (Or the Word of God) as this source?
*Bullet* What is people use sociality as their source? (Or majority rules).


In the last example, it is base on the sociality’s currency views at the time. This makes morality fluent and ever changing. It is whatever the people view as popular at the time. In this example, people can change their minds about what is right and what is wrong? Even if the concept of morality should never change. But others might believe motility is every changing.

If you get the reader to ask those questions, it would have proven that that religion is not the sole source of morality, but only for some people. But I would be careful in implying that religion should not (verse “is not”) be the source of your morality as that would be a different essay.

But if you wanted to address that topic here is a suggestion:

[A note about religion—something you could have address.]

That religion is about performance and is often an outside inward effort. Often extremely religious people who pretend so show morality but don’t live by what they preach. Jesus dealt with that with the Pharisees who only outwardly keep the law, but their hearts were not for God. If you study this topic out, you could use it to show that, religion should not be the source of morality.


I hope this helps you. I tried to make sure all my thoughts were in the right order. I revised it several times doing my best to get it just right.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of My first love  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Dear Marci Missing Everyone Author Icon


This is my 2nd Review from your Chirstian Package C that you "Genre Auction and FundraiserOpen in new Window.


*DoorB* Click on the Blue text.


*MailB* Overall impression

*TagB* Reader reaction

*Twitter* Favorite lines

*InfoB* Suggestions

*QuestionB* Questions

*BlockB* General comments


*Radioactive* I hope this helps.

*PenB* Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of A Mother's Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Marci Missing Everyone Author Icon


This is my 1st review for the Christain Package C you won from "Genre Auction and FundraiserOpen in new Window.. You still have 5 left. Please yet me know how I did with you review and any suggestion so I can grow as a reviewer.


*DoorB* Click on the Blue text.

*MailB* Overall impression

*TagB* Reader reaction

*Twitter* Favorite lines

*InfoB* Suggestions

*QuestionB* Questions

*BlockB* General comments


*Radioactive* I hope this helps.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
8
8
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Dear Open thoughts Author Icon

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*Radioactive* I hope this helps.

*PenB* Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
9
9
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Dear JJMax Author Icon

*DoorB* Click on the Blue text.

*MailB* Overall impression

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*Radioactive* I hope this helps.

*PenB* Signature



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
10
10
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Dear JJMax Author Icon

*DoorB* Click on the text.

*MailB* Overall impression

*TagB* Reader reaction

*Twitter* Favorite lines

*InfoB* Suggestions

*QuestionB* Questions

*BlockB* General comments


*Radioactive* I hope this helps




Keep up writing. Don't stop. Keeping on practicing and improving all the time. Write everyday.

Find your voice and style and start improving in that area. However, sometime you do need to venture out into areas that you are not comfortable with to learn a little about other style of writing. It just might help improve your writing (in your style and voice)

Today's the Day...  Open in new Window.
Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

Highlight Item:  Open in new Window.

BOOK
A New Beginning Open in new Window. (13+)
A boy, 15 deals with the emotions of being rejected by his father with the help of a girl
#1977344 by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

"A New Beginning: Survey (Ch 1-5)Open in new Window.





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of The Pact  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Dear JJMax Author Icon

*DoorB* Click on the blue text.

*MailB* Overall impression

*TagB* Reader reaction

*Twitter* Favorite lines

*InfoB* Suggestions

*QuestionB* Questions

*BlockB* General comments


*Radioactive* I hope this helps. Remember these are just my opinions and suggestions.

I know I made seem harsh, but I’m just trying to help you improve your story. I do think it’s a good story with lots of potential. And I think you should keep on writing. I’m currently working on a story and I know it still needs many more revision before it’s done. I wrote about 12 drafts for my first 3 chapters. And I’m probably needs at lest 12 more till it’s in a Gold Standard.




Keep up writing. Don't stop. Keeping on practicing and improving all the time. Write everyday.

Find your voice and style and start improving in that area. However, sometime you do need to venture out into areas that you are not comfortable with to learn a little about other style of writing. It just might help improve your writing (in your style and voice)

Today's the Day...  Open in new Window.
Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

Highlight Item:  Open in new Window.

BOOK
A New Beginning Open in new Window. (13+)
A boy, 15 deals with the emotions of being rejected by his father with the help of a girl
#1977344 by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

"A New Beginning: Survey (Ch 1-5)Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of The Photo  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear TessaT Author Icon


Overall impression
I like your story. It was interesting how one defining moment in ones life open the door to new possibilities. For whatever reason she decided to go through her old photos it lead to rekindling an old friendship.

Reader reaction
We should be open to new doors—new opportunities—in our life as old ones closed.

Favorite lines
I like this line because both connected to the same photo which tied them together. Maybe that year the picture was token was the last year they spend together before going their separate ways.

The entire exhibit was a retrospective collection of various county fairs, carnivals, and fairgrounds and she was staring at the very same picture she herself had so recently found.

Suggestions
I would replace the common with a semicolon "girlish; to serious"

and alternating being silly and girlish, to serious and sophisticated when any

These lines contradict each other. I suggest just deleted that frist references.

Gayle just happened to bring along her camera to take that photo so long ago
Gayle didn’t just happen to bring along her camera that day so long ago

General comments
Photos have memories in them. They remind us of things in the past. Maybe she wanted to remind herself that she had happy memories, or that she had a life that didn't involve her ex-boyfriend--that she had a future.

At that particular moment, she couldn’t have told you what made her go into her closet and take down that old box

Questions
What is her name?

I'm confused by this statement.

They planned it together as a childish escape for the now grown two young women.

When is this last line taking place in the story. I thought she was at the gallery a few paragraphs ago. Her friend would have likely been they at her own exhibit. I would delete the suggested part I lined out.

...important and without any hesitation, she pulled out her phone to talk to her friend, Gayle.


I hope this helps. And remember these are just suggestions.




Keep up writing. Don't stop. Keeping on practicing and improving all the time. Write everyday.

Find your voice and style and start improving in that area. However, sometime you do need to venture out into areas that you are not comfortable with to learn a little about other style of writing. It just might help improve your writing (in your style and voice)

Today's the Day...  Open in new Window.
Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

Highlight Item:  Open in new Window.

BOOK
A New Beginning Open in new Window. (13+)
A boy, 15 deals with the emotions of being rejected by his father with the help of a girl
#1977344 by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

"A New Beginning: Survey (Ch 1-5)Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
13
13
Review of Amelia  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Dear Versusterminus Author Icon


General comments

I hope there is more. The first part was interesting, but I'm not sure what was going on.

It was an incredible release, and I simply can't describe it any other way. A climax, perhaps... but one that lasts a bit longer. Everything was... white. White hot. I realize that I'm biting my lip and it's starting to hurt... but I don't care. It just feels... good. Damn good. Suddenly, quickly as it came, it's gone. I'm saddened, I suppose. What was it?


Reader reaction


Favorite lines

I stubbed my toe, and that was a pain I would sure like to forget.


This made for a funny ending. She is trying to forget and then wants to forget.

Suggestions



Overall impression

It is a good start. The whole story was from the point of view of this women that we know nothing about expect that she is female. She doesn't even know who she is. You wrote this well. It leaves the reader with wanting to know what going on. So many questions. Is this it? Or are you going to finished it.




Keep up writing. Don't stop. Keeping on practicing and improving all the time. Write everyday.


Find your voice and style and start improving in that area. However, sometime you do need to venture out into areas that you are not comfortable with to learn a little about other style of writing. It just might help improve your writing (in your style and voice)

Today's the Day...  Open in new Window.
Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

Highlight Item:  Open in new Window.

BOOK
A New Beginning Open in new Window. (13+)
A boy, 15 deals with the emotions of being rejected by his father with the help of a girl
#1977344 by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

"A New Beginning: Survey (Ch 1-5)Open in new Window.
14
14
Review of Ghetto Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Dear Anthony Sanders Author Icon

Its a good thing its fiction. Because it doesn't make since that 10 year old boy would be beaten and accused of beating up a cop. A boy of 10 couldn't do that to the cop, and anyone thinking that is not thinking. They would know that he was the one that called it in. A better age would be 14 to 16.

Also a boy of 10 would be assigned a child advocate and probably wouldn't go to juvenile.

This is a good draft and could turn into a good story. The story does paint a picture of how someone who is even part black gets treated so badly and differently.

I hope this helps you.



Keep up writing. Don't stop. Keeping on practicing and improving all the time. Write everyday.

Find your voice and style and start improving in that area. However, sometime you do need to venture out into areas that you are not comfortable with to learn a little about other style of writing. It just might help improve your writing (in your style and voice)

Today's the Day...  Open in new Window.
Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

Highlight Item:  Open in new Window.

BOOK
A New Beginning Open in new Window. (13+)
A boy, 15 deals with the emotions of being rejected by his father with the help of a girl
#1977344 by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

"A New Beginning: Survey (Ch 1-5)Open in new Window.
15
15
Review of Fervor  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Chaim Author Icon

First I find this story very hard and difficult to read and follow. I know you were trying to show that this character is scatterbrained, but it still was hard to follow. Maybe you can rewrite it so that it still shows he is scatterbrained, but makes it easier for us to follow his scatterbrained actions.

Notes:
I find it very unlikely that he forgot that he was only there for a viste. Why would he think he lost his job, got a new job, and then got confused about where it was a cook or an administrative assistant. Then he realized he be late for work, and didn't know why he was there in the first place.

This whole story might make better since if he was dreaming (or daydreaming) the whole time. (Meaning he was never at the White House). I do realize you mention he was daydreaming in the last paragraph, but only after I read it a second time (looking for area to comment on) did I catch it. If he was daydreaming the whole time it needs to be more clear, but I don't think you meant it that way. The way I read is on his way back to his car at the White House, and starts to daydream about other jobs.

Yeah, that might -- gah, I've got to stop daydreaming and get back to the car. Gotta hurry, gotta hurry -- I can't be late for work!

The reason I think it should be a dream from the beginning is (one), dreams don't make sense, (two), it will explain a lot about being at the White House that doesn't make sense. See below:

If you take a visit to the whitehouse you have to go through security and they will tell you where to go. I don't think he would be able to walk around everywhere like he was going.

If he was tackle by the security guard, he would other be taken into custody or personally escorted to the place he was support to be.

Also, I don't think temp agencies would offer anyone a job as a cook (or any job) in the whitehouse. To get a job at the White House you have to go through many background checks. I'm sure if you got a job at the White House he would know what that job is, be quality, and know where to go (most because they will show you when you get there).

He wouldn't be able to pass any psychology test.


Suggestions:
In a dream none of that matters, and it makes sense he would be that confused. He messed up big time at his job his and the feels of being a scatterbrained may of produce this dream. He may of thought he was going to be fired and would have to look for a new job. Maybe he saw something on TV about the White House and watch a cooking show before bed.

I think he needs a vacation. The stress of his Job caused him to mix up the accounts. I don't think he really is that scatterbrained, but felt that way. Which would explain his strange dream. I find in my dreams I don't know what I'm supported to know but everyone else might think I do.


Remember these are my suggestion and options.
I hope this helps you.


PS. I found this in "Please ReviewOpen in new Window.




Keep up writing. Don't stop. Keeping on practicing and improving all the time. Write everyday.

Find your voice and style and start improving in that area. However, sometime you do need to venture out into areas that you are not comfortable with to learn a little about other styles of writing. It just might help improve your writing (in your style and voice)

Today's the Day...  Open in new Window.
Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

Highlight Item:  Open in new Window.

BOOK
A New Beginning Open in new Window. (13+)
A boy, 15 deals with the emotions of being rejected by his father with the help of a girl
#1977344 by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

"A New Beginning: Survey (Ch 1-5)Open in new Window.
16
16
Review of Birth  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Poems are difficult for me to review but I'll give it a try.

I'm not sure who you are talking about to. Is it "Birth" itself, a person, concept, feelings, ideas.

"Birth for you doesn’t really count"


What I get out of the Poem or how I perceive it:

Is this about someone who feels she don't exist inside. It seems to me this person feel dead inside. I'm going to call her Amy so it will easier to read.

Amy feels that no jokes or any laughter can reach her--she is to far gone. That with each day she feel herself slipping way into the darkness--becoming more invincible each day. And on one seems to care or notice. They are to concern with their own life to notice Amy or how she is feeling.

Amy life has giving her opportunities which in her mind are not the ones she wants or are out of her reach.

It is possible that Amy might be in the Foster Care system or doesn't feel like she has a real family. That she is pass through the system without anyone wanting her--she feels unloved, and unwanted.

Or Amy doesn't see what is right in front of her because is blinded by her own pain--blinded to the opportunities right in her face.

Amy wishes she was not born or think she didn't deserved to be born. Maybe Amy is thinking of taking her life but has not let be able to do so.

(Hopeful Amy will see that life is wonderful and worth living. She needs Jesus, In my opinion. Amy needs to know she is love. And taking her life is not the answer.)

Life is a gift and Amy needs to see this.


Of course I might be wrong with a few things. This is just what came out after trying to analysis the poem. I do hope I'm wrong with the suicide part.

If you weren’t born, then how will you exist inside ?


Keep up writing. Don't stop. Keeping on practicing and improving all the time. Write everyday.

Find your voice and style and start improving in that area. However, sometime you do need to venture out into areas that you are not comfortable with to learn a little about that style of writing. It just might help improve your writing (in your style and voice)



Today's the Day...  Open in new Window.
Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

Highlight Item:  Open in new Window.

BOOK
A New Beginning Open in new Window. (13+)
A boy, 15 deals with the emotions of being rejected by his father with the help of a girl
#1977344 by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

"A New Beginning: Survey (Ch 1-5)Open in new Window.
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17
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I read your entry for "Daily Flash Fiction ChallengeOpen in new Window.


I like to point out that I didn't find any characters, no setting, no conflict or resolutions. The rules of this prompt says: "Your story must contain a setting, at least one (1) character, a conflict and a resolution."

It seems like a monolog. (If I understand what monolog are)

I don't understand what is going on in this entry. It seems the tone of this entry is an expression of anger. Though I'm not a rap person myself, the tone of this entry could fuel rap or poem versus.


"This won’t hurt a bit,” they say rubbing cold goo into your temples."

The above line seems forced and doesn't seem to fit into the rest of the entry. Try reading the winners of the contest for an example.


Keep up writing. Don't stop. Keeping on practicing and improving all the time. Write everyday.

Find your voice and style and start improving in that area. However, sometime you do need to venture out into areas that you are not comfortable with to learn a little about that style of writing. It just might help improve your writing (in your sytle and voice)




Today's the Day...  Open in new Window.
Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

Highlight Item:  Open in new Window.

BOOK
A New Beginning Open in new Window. (13+)
A boy, 15 deals with the emotions of being rejected by his father with the help of a girl
#1977344 by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon

"A New Beginning: Survey (Ch 1-5)Open in new Window.
18
18
Review of Don't Let Them In  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is well written prompt. I know that you are limited to no more than 300 words. I find it hard myself to write on the prompt without going over the limited. This piece seems to use those words efficiently. You are setting up the tone and atmosphere of the story. This would make a good segment for a story if you chose to write from it.

I find myself that writing these prompts are a reward in themselves. Thought I may not write a story from all of them, there are a few that I might. write into a story. Either way it is good practices.

One issue I found was I didn't find a conflict or resolution. They are talking about something that can happen, but that isn't conflict. And without conflict there is no resolution. However, I still enjoy reading it.

If she was afraid, that might be conflicted, and not letting them in might be the resolution. However, I might be wrong. Maybe I just don't see the conflict and resolution.


Hope this helps and Keep up the great work.
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Review of The Stroll  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
Dear Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ Author Icon

I think I fail at understanding what is going on in this story. After getting to the end it is reveal that this woman had died. I'm not sure I understand how she died. Was this the dream before her death?

I have questions. I'm confused about a few things.

What is up with the stroll? Jordan said "Oh, my dear protege, no baby died. Her baby buggy was empty. I had to make sure the wheel was freed because she would never go on without her child"

He first says there is no baby and then said she never go on without her child. And something about helping her free the wheel. But I thought he feel she freed the wheel.

"She watched him as she freed the stroller wheel. "

This last paragraph is also confusing.

"Oh, that's simple, Willy. The very young have not experienced much life; love and becoming parents. They are naturally curious and will go towards the beautiful lights they see. However, your mother's love for you will burn in her heart eternally. That is why you will be here at the portal when it is time for her soul to depart. She will go willingly; for you Willy, were her only child."


Who is this Willy. It seems he is a protege of Jordan who will one day take over his job. What does Jordan mean the youth are naturally curious and will go towards the beautiful lights? Why would Willy be greeting his mother. Is he dead?

I'm overall confused about what is going on. I must be missing some clue that would make it all make since.

I also want to point out this:

"Okay, well, I just want to pop-into that mysterious looking store across the way. I'll check back with you when I'm done. I enjoy observing people, also."

The last line "I enjoy observing people, also" doesn't make since. Why did she say that?

Also you left out the "S" on towards. I showed you with blue text.

"will go towards the beautiful lights"

I hope this helps.
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Review of The First Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting story. I am surprised by the ending.

I am confused about how he was hit by the car. I thought he was at home coming out of the tent to see the rain.

I am sadden that those people didn't care to help the boy. They thought of him like a dog that was hit. Are you trying to portray them as Americans?

I do have other questions and suggestions:

"I frantically waved the cheap plastic hand held fan in her face"

I'm not sure the boy would called it cheap considered the charterer's voice. To him this hand held fan was more than he could asked for. I'm not sure he would understand cheaply made.

"Drops of perspiration had covered her dark forehead"

I'm not sure why the boy would add "dark" when describing the forehead no more than someone that is white would say white forehead unless its describing heath. Like pail skin.

I suggest splitting the chapter at "Last week, my mother had fallen ill". It begins a new thought.

Is this family a Christian family. The boy's father mentions God (with a capital G) and "Lord" both terms used in the Christian Faith. I think that some in India have many gods, bu I also know that message of Jesus is also spreading thought India and Asia. Being that this is in India it would help the reader know more about their faith. I also know that its common that people converting into Christianity in India or other areas in gain mix their old believes with their new beliefs.

I personal don't like Tragedy. I wanted Romeo and Juliet to run away with their parents thinking they have died. This story needs some foreshadowing so the ending is less out of the blue. Or maybe I missed the clues. Like I said early in the review, I'm not sure where this car came from. Or that the boy was even in the road. Thought I do understand he was overjoy by the rain coming and this might have lead him a stray where he ended up in road he did not know he was in.

Also, I do suggest making it clear he is a little boy and his age early in the story. Not sure, but his dialog suggest he might be around 9 to 12.


I hope this helps. This could tear into a longer story. Thought, I don't like sad endings.
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Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I admit after getting done with this chapter I was hook. This chapter leaves so much questions unanswered I hope you answer them in future chapters.

So Athenasi's father created a injection that allows all the Utopis to live a very long time. Is the colonists given it? Why are they hated so much? How long does it let you live? Forever, or do you die at some point? Or does it keep you from dying?

and they all end up living out the rest of their Potion on pikes in his front lawn


So how do they plan on destroying this injection. Isn't there many copies?

Why would Athenasi want a cure?

Was her treatment permanent unlike others who take it regularly?

I want to learn more about the shifters? Do they have a gender? Why are they hated?

One thing that confuse me was:
"The fact that Athenais was childhood friends with the owner of The Shop was part of the reason why Rabbit had to relocate his place of business so often."

If they are friends why is he always moving away from her?


I'm interest in this story. I like it. I hope this helps.
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Review of Cat & Mouse  Open in new Window.
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like this sentence. It could be used to start a story.

Suggestion:

"The watcher crouched in the shadows of the old house - waiting, as across the floor, the echo of sharp nails drew nearer. "

I would end the sentence at "waiting", and start it again at "Across"

The watcher crouched in the shadows of the old house - waiting. Across the floor, the echo of sharp nails drew nearer.

I think these are two different thoughts.



You referred to the mouse as a creature yet referred to the cat as a feline. I think you didn't want to do that because you would not have used creature instead of mouse.

Pausing to sniff the air, the creature had no warning as the feline pounced, sinking her fangs into the soft neck of her victim.


Pausing to sniff the air, the creature had no warning as she pounced, sinking her fangs into the soft neck of her victim.

Hope this helps.
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Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting essay.

I like how you compare the bag to your relationship with your sister. I can see in your essay how you took for granted your backpack and compare it taking your sister's relationship for granted. You said that if you neglected something it can tear about. Which is true. Without maintenance things tend to fall apart. If you do not take time to do a checkup then time will pass you by as you wonder what happen to your relationship. At one time your bestfriends and now you don't see each other often.

Now sisters are family and they are a little different. You are family and that binds you together. Being family you have an excused to try to work something out. If you want a relationship to work then you should take the first step. If you keep the bag then it obviously means a lot to you. It has a connection to your memories of growing up with your sister.

Hope this helps. I think is what you wanted your readers to get out of your essay.

. .
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24
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Great story. God is wonderful. I was going to tell you it must be God, before reading the last line. Doctors don't know everything. And they seem to be guessing a lot of time. You just don't know they are guessing.

It does need some editing for sentence flow, and you might want to separate it into a few paragraphs, but overall its a great story about how God heals. One thing I'll learn from the bible is that you do not want to confess what you do not want. Saying "I'm going blind" and you mostly would have. Trust God, and thank him that you are healed way before you see the evidence. Because Jesus died for not just your sins, but so you can have access to healing.

Praise be to God!
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25
Review by Agape Novels Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Is this a story base on history or is it a true story.I'm not sure. I'm guessing its real because it was for history class. I think its important to protect the ones you love. And caring about others is what made America great so long ago.

Suggestion:

The last line makes it seem the war as over quickly, in the same day.

Finally when the gunfire and smoke subsided the british men were retreating. The sound of cheering families filled the fields and the country was free from Britain's grasp

"When the gunfire and smoke subsided you heard the sounds of cheering families filled the fields of the country as they watch the British retreat, a small victory with more to come."


He farmer that lived in the small home on a hill was a 47 year old man named Douglas.

"Douglas, 47 lived in the small house on the hill"

I would make a new paragraph starting here:

"He followed in his father’s footsteps as a farmer"

I think this is interseting that a small farmer would end up in the history books.

I hope this helps you.
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