Add a line between each paragraph as if would make it easer to read.
Change Junior to 11th grade. Some don’t know that Junior refers to 11th grade. I had to ask my mom.
I just completed my junior year at South Boston High School.
You should explain how she became EMT in a backstory or flashback. If she was 16 now she becomes one? Is she in training and she is only a intern?
I am an EMT for the city of Boston
I know that CPS or CWD isn’t perfect. It’s even getting replace here in Arizona, but I don’t think with all the evidence they were concluded that she and her brother is safe with there parents. They are train to spot signs of drug use and abused. They just don’t do a lot of follow up work. Sometime they know but can’t do anything because of red tape. Even a judge can tell most of time.
I suggest doing some research into how CPS and CWD works and talking with one of their agent. Tell them you are working on a story. See if they know scenario that will result in the same results you telling in the story. Or it could help you to improve your story. It just doesn’t see provable base on how much you wrote about her family life. It needs more support data in the story. Like if he is buddies with cops or judges. To me it seemed you took an easy way out: CWD didn’t do anything. It’s just lacking evidences.
However, it can be solved by doing the research I suggested above. And you may be surprised by what you learn and how it can improve your story. Maybe they can help make your characters even better by helping you learn about other people went through.
The evident of bruises and old bruises should suggest something by the courts or CPS.
The Child Welfare Department along with the court system has found Victor and Dina, my mother, to be fit and loving parents. They have found them to be caring and they would never harm one of their children.
This does not fit with Victor's personality. Having a lock would only enrage him more. He would have just beaten the door down, and it would have made issues worse.
It has been a little over a year since we put the lock in and it has been our savior at times.
Other Suggestions:
I suggest adding more backstory and flashbacks to this chapter.
Flashbacks when they were children
Getting the Job with the EMTs,
Time CPS came and didn’t do anything
Her easiest memories
When she and her brother promised to look after each other.
You also need more about who this brother is. What type of relationship do they have? I suggest clarify her relationship with her brother so readers don’t let their imaginations get the better of them. I’m assuming “that” is not that way between them. I say this because you rated it 18+ and said they shard a room. I know that being in a low income housing that there are probably only 2 rooms available. You just don’t want people thinking something is true when it isn’t. (I asked myself “that” question, so others might also)
Morgan and I scurry down the hallway to the bedroom that we share.