More than anything, the title of this got my attention, and my curiousity then prompted me to read it.
General Comments About This Item
First off, I would suggest you put a space after your first sentence, setting it apart from the First Law.
While you have presented some thought provoking "laws", and made some relevant statements, your writing at this point seems to be at the stage of a rough draft.
I like the fact you capitalized the "basic" laws but some of your individual sentences are needing a bit of revision to tighten them up a bit and make a few corrections. I will point out my suggestions:
Basic Law One....ok as is. And I think you're right.
Basic Law Two....ok as is. I never had given thought to the truth of this point.
Basic Law Three..this sentence is too long and needs punctuation.
#1 - "A stupid person is a person who..."
Word Repetition...suggested change:
"A stupid person is one who will cause..."
Basic Law Four...
#1 - need a comma after "In particular, non-stupid people...
#2 - another comma after "places"
#3 - rewrite remainder of sentence:
Suggested: "and under any circumstances, dealing and/or associating with stupid people always turns out to be a costly mistake.
Basic Law Five...
#1 - I would delete the second sentence altogether. What needs to be said is clearly stated in the first sentence.
I have been on both sides of the situation...my ex did not honor his commitment of a meager $150/mo (set back in the early 1980's) when my son was 4 and began paying only when the IRS snatched his return a few years ago. Now he is honoring the committment which will last until my son is 29...he's 24 now so I just pass it straight on to him since finances are tight for him and his family. For several years after marrying the man who is Jason's step-dad and basically raised him, he had support to pay for his one remaining child that was under 17. What a merry-go-round!
Your essay is informative and your piece is well sprinkled with a delightful amount of humor. I really enjoyed reading it.
As for suggestions:
1. While I didn't see any spelling errors, I did note that you're very fluent in the English language, but, to a point you're far more fluent than many readers, including this college grad. There were several words I never knew existed, lol, and while they will drive me to my dictionary since my love for learning never ends, you might want to make use of more common words that you know most reading levels will readily understand and digest.
2. My only other suggestion would be to shorten the length of some of your paragraphs. Para. 1 and 5 are particularly lengthy and because they are so packed full of information, some of the many fine points you make kind of get lost when there is not a pause to digest what has been said.
I noticed you are new to WDC. I'm delighted you have chosen to join us and if you ever have any questions please feel free to ask. WDC has become like my right hand ... I couldn't imagine life without it!
In my 30's and 40's I was a CNA at my local hospital and frequently was assigned to patients who were in the hospice unit. It was impossible not to grow close to them, and I always knew they were happy to have me spend time with them when I was on duty. It was a definite blessing for me as well.
Cancer is such an ugly disease. While I have managed to beat it for almost a year now, I know leukemia is never actually "cured" so the most any of us can do, sick or otherwise, is to cherish each day and live it to the fullest!
Your compassion for others comes through so clearly in this story. While it was sad, it was warm and tender as well.
The only thing I would point out is a tad of confusion I have at the end of the line near the end which begins with: "It was Christmas..." The part which made the question marks ???? float about my head was the following statement: Pam when Dr. Watson thought she had a couple of weeks. There seems to be something missing there.
Other than that one little spot, it was an excellent story.
You presented the causes for this "party" quite well and in a way that so many of us can readily identify with. Especially in this day and age of massive unemployment where costs continue to rise but salaries for those who DO work get little or no raises at all. Sad how the "richest country in the world" came to seemingly forget about their citizens.
The emotions that come through in this poem are ever so fitting. I can clearly identify with the entire situation you have described. It is a real morale buster!
I liked your choice of words also...drowning in panic and worry. And yes, I know all about letting the tears fall only where no one can see. That "mask" gets awfully uncomfortable after awhile. Downright smothering!
This poem clearly addresses the causes of a "pity party". Thank you for sharing it!
Oh wow, this is just soooo "right on!" The more I read the faster I read, thinking to myself, "Yes, yes, that is so true!"
Every single piece of writing I have had published, even after I had already done a complete editing job with them, still could have been made better had I just revised once more prior to considering it finished. I must admit, however, that I don't think I'd have the mental stamina to revise something 50 times, as Robert Frost did, lol.
One of the problems we writers have, I believe, is that by the time we get done researching and writing, aside from a "quickie" revision to fix any glaring problems, we honestly just do not WANT to deal with it any longer. Not to our advantage, to be sure, but I guess that's human nature. The fact that you wrote this at least makes me feel better that I'm not alone in this regard.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. It really is excellent and I hope many people will be encouraged to be more professional by taking your advise to heart.
I honestly do not believe this could have been written any better.
You have "covered the bases" so to speak. The beginning of this poem starts out perfectly...with requests being for yourself. Surely we all need His help to say and do the things that are God has for us to do. I like the thought that the things we say and do in our daily life can be "gifts" ... as truly they can be not only for us, but for other lives we touch throughout the day, and for God as well.
The following two petitions for Peace and Love point out the needs for all of us ... for safety, happiness, success.
The concluding petition is a tender "snuggling up" to God our Father...a perfect way to end a prayer.
This was fun to view the four versions of the same poem. It was quite intriguing to evaluate the four of them and decide which one I liked best.
The poem itself is well written, but for visual appeal, I found Version 2 to be my favorite. With the longer lines it has the "bulk" that goes right along with the topic...meat and potatoes. Version 3 looks too skinny, lol.
This was a nostalgic look at life in the "good old days" for those who lived where snow flies in the winter. I lived in Wisconsin so I could relate very well to this little slice of your life as a child.
Your descriptions are wonderful in re-creating a mental picture of times gone by. I remember those wooden sleds like it was yesterday.
Your jogged my memory as well about how the snow packed more and more from repeated runs by the sled. We knew now danger back then..of course, our bones were not as brittle either, lol. The crisp cool air and all the exercise always made for kids who didn't complain when it was bedtime. In my house, Mom usually ended the day for me with hot chocolate and popcorn.
Just had to read this. I think contests really push us to exercise our brain and experience new adventures!
Your entry, in part, reminded me of my own childhood days where life was truly so different from what life today is like.
I liked the way you began this little story...perfect in making me want to read further. While the story itself was quite sad, you described the people and situations very clearly...drawing me into the picture.
The name of the town, "Remember", was also a very fitting touch!
This is a well painted picture of what occurs on a daily basis in so many homes in virtually every nation in the world. I know of no one place that is completely free of abuse.
Each section of the poem is filled with emotion, hurt and the honest thoughts of what runs through the mind of a young person who knows abuse firsthand.
Even though each section of the poem contains a sad picture, the writer keeps a fairly positive and strong outlook , as far as surviving the current situation is concerned. The last section, in particular, the writer makes some very strong concluding statements...ones which make me feel confident that she will be a successful.
Very interesting script. I was kind of fascinated with it primarily because I had begun writing a movie script a year or so ago and the style, of course, is one that many people are unfamiliar with.
Let me point out my suggestions first and will then critique the script as a whole:
1 - In the first section - Tyler - 4th line ... " dance and circle"... Not sure where that weird A came from after "and"
2 - Next section - Mary - 1st line ... "in over sized glasses" ... should be "over-sized"
3 - Where Tyler opens his mom's gift ... "Tyler unwraps the little green box and pulls out a matching green
collar" ... Confusion? The word "matching"...what did the green collar match with?
4 - Tyler's father's entrance - "The tiny white dog has a spot on his left eye and
long ears." That will read better if you switch it around to " ...long ears and a spot on his left eye"
Otherwise, it sounds like he has a spot on his left eye AND on his long ears. The change would
make this clearer.
5 - Way further down towards the end where Tyler finds his dogand yells "Hey! Don't touch my dog!" I would suggest
changing "touch" to "hurt" as the menacing dog would surely be apt to cause injury to his dog.
6 - As Tyler is in the bathtub near the end. "Water all soap..." should be "water and soap"
Screenplays are difficult at best to write so I completely applaud your script. This little play has a good message and is one that would be great for children. So often they see animals as something to simply play with when desired and ignored when they want to play with something else. Animals definitely have feelings, just like people and this is great in teaching kids to consider animals as part of the family.
This is one of those rare types of writing that cannot and should not be held to a particular written format. From the very first word to the very last, your HONESTY and OPENESS to share from your heart is clearly evident and results in a PERFECT message from your heart to all those who read this!
I had to smile right in the beginning because as a teenager, my friends dad was also known as "Pops" to me and others and I always considered him to be my 2nd dad.
Your descriptive abilities quickly allowed me to know how blessed you were by this man and his family. The death experience you go on to share was written with elegance. I was literally moved to tears as I read of the scene at his passing.
You've done an absolutely excellent job with relaying this experience. This literally gave me goosebumps as I read it.
My goodness, this is a most informative and educational essay. After reading it I feel as if I had fallen into a gold mine and came out with my eyes wide open, armed with a knowledge base that heretofore I was completely clueless about. You've done a really excellent job of letting me know what the situation is like in Afghanistan and what our troops are dealing with on a daily basis.
I'm impressed by all the research you provided and feel I have learned way more than I could ever hope to learn via another media, such as the newspaper or television.
Oh Dave, I loved this! Thank you for including the link explaining the Eintou form of poetry...that was a big help!
The words sure bring out the true statement that the picture makes. The pic made me somewhat sad for the person, yet the dog, snuggling so close to that person, made my heart melt.
I liked the way you began by jumping right into the situation with Mary. It was clear that she was addicted to something, but you carefully kept "what" it was from us...that being the push to keep me reading!
Mary was clearly portrayed as being at the end of her rope, unable to function well, yet refuses to see herself for who she has become...an addict! You probably had every reader of this scratching his head when you wrote, "I swear if someone poured it into the gutter, you’d get a million guys face down in the gutter trying to lap it up.
I know I was sure wondering, lol.
It was literally at the last line that I truly understood what Mary and so many others were "hooked" on.
THEN, it all made sense! And, my next thought was about my son who consumes those products and is also hooked on them.
*****
A very well-written story, with a solid point to it.
The "painting" that was slowly created, paragraph by paragraph. I began to read it purely out of curiosity, but slowly, allowed myself to "see" the chore through your eyes via your writing.
Were There Any Errors I Noted
Just two small things:
1. In the last sentence of the 3rd para...."I bath them", you need an "e" on the end of the word to make it "bathe"
2. In the beginning of the final para...."Attending t sound" note you forgot the "o" on "to".
Did I Learn Anything From This Item?
I learned how to visualize and use my "senses" to make a chore I hate to perhaps be something I can turn into a positive...if I set my mind to it.
General Comments About This Item
Very original !! Keep writing and developing your word pictures.
The flavor of it...a perfect mixture of "frustration" and "humor." !
You had my attention right from the beginning and I had to read it to the end. That, in itself, identifies it as a really good piece of writing!
Were There Any Errors I Noted
Just a few little things.
1. Last sentence in 4th para. "...we will be with your shortly, ... "your" should be "you".
2. Near the bottom, para. beginning with "Fine then." Note the end of the sentence on line 2: "...pills are already ready and waiting..." I would suggest a re-write so that "already" and "ready" are not back to back like that.
Suggestion: "...see that her pills have been filled and are ready for pick-up."
3. In the next para....end of line two "...costumer's" Just a small spelling error, should be "customer's"
Did I Learn Anything From This Item?
I learned I would never want to work at the drive-thru in Walgreens, lol.
Such frustrations are so aggravating and are found in most every "public service" position. I used to be a cashier in a casino and I could really identify with the experiences you were describing. Different situations but same, idiotic people!!!
General Comments About This Item
Loved It! I will think about this every time I visit my local Walgreen's store now, lol.
I think you've made a good start creating this item, but I'd suggest you expand on what you have begun. Perhaps give an example or two of times you may have discussed "religion" with a stranger...or a friend.
As you probably already know, "religion" is a subject that can be discussed without end.
Strengths in your writing:
You have begun this with a solid statement! That's excellent because it draws the reader in to find out more about what you have to say.
Errors I spotted:
The main errors within your writing lie in the area of spelling. I'll point out the ones that jumped out at me from the first para.
Alot of people have trouble with spelling...sometimes it's just the fingers wanting to move fast enough to keep up with the mind. One way to avoid this problem is to copy and paste your writing on a WORD document where you can "spell check" it prior to posting it in your WDC portfolio.
My second suggestion would be to re-read your item a second time, just before you post it, to take note of anything you may have forgotten to say and to see if everything reads smoothly.
I have a particular fondness for anything that can be called a "co-incidence" and enjoyed reading about your experiences.
Were There Any Errors I Noted
Just a few things I would like to point out:
1. End section of your 1st sentence (...you think to yourself that was way beyond coincidence.) When you point out a specific thing you were thinking about, you need to make clear just what your thought was: i.e. ...you think to yourself, 'that was way beyond coincidence.'
2. In your last sentence of the 1st para., use " " around the new phrase you have coined,..."baby miracle".
3. In your 2nd para. you will note this sentence is a bit "wordy" and needs to be tightened up a bit.
....."He asked me what the theme of my tape was that I was going to produce and I told him that it was going to be a tape where every song had to have a number in the title." (A possible re-write)
"He asked me what the theme of my tape would be about and I explained that every song had to have a number in the title."
4. In your next para. there is a spelling error. "definatly" should be spelled, "definitely".
Did I Learn Anything From This Item?
It was a good reminder for me of all the times strange, unexpected coincidences happened to me. They never cease to fascinate me!
General Comments About This Item
This is an interesting essay which makes the reader more aware of little "baby miracles" such as the ones you've mentioned. They really are fascinating...something I always am awed by when it happens to me.
It tells such an awesome story and just perfectly fits the assignment to a tee! I was hooked right from the beginning. This has got to be the very best story for this lesson. I am soooo glad I took the time to read this.
I wish I could have rated it higher than a 5. This was really off the chart!
Wow, that was sure a touching story. As I think about it, wouldn't it be nice if the same thing were done for each child in a family that they could have from their parents when they grew up? I think that would truly be the best gift any young adult could receive. This would be excellent in the context within which it was written as well...so many kids in school feel worthless or not liked and if they could receive positive feedback from other kids in the class, it would sure improve morale, grades and more!
Wow Dave, that was meaty and hard hitting! I had forgotten all about Fred Sanford and Archie Bunker...but those were two great ones to refer to in making your points.
The ending is clearly written and makes a very powerful statement.
The main things I liked about this short story is the honesty and the strength of love that is portrayed. I also connected to it because being a "babyboomer", I could relate to so much you said.
Actually, I was just thinking about Woodstock recently...I never was there, but often wished I had.
Were There Any Errors I Noted
Just one small little things:
# - Beginning of the 3rd line of the second para. "He placed..." Just backspace once before the word "He" so it lines up with the left margin.
Suggestions:
1 - As far as layout goes, I would put a space between paragraphs. It will look and read better.
2 - I would use an exclamation point at the end of your last statement for emphasis.
Did I Learn Anything From This Item?
I learned you have one true gem of a husband and I am happy for you.
General Comments About This Item
This was a lovely, heartwarming story of a wonderful, fulfilling marriage, and also a reminder to all who read this of the horrors of war and how we all need to stand behind our military. Their job is not easy.
That's a lovely poem. I hope you have shared it with your children as I know it would mean a lot to them to hear those lovely words.
I know from experience it isn't always easy to "feel" that love, especially when they are teens (yikes), but even then, perhaps especially then, they need to hear those words and have no doubt that Mom always loves them.
Thank you for taking the time to write this poem and to share it with us at WDC.
It was written in a way that I could identify with the family which, of course, drew me into the story. It was an absolutely riveting story!!!
Were There Any Errors I Noted
In the second para., 3rd line..."But by the time my father died suddenly and unexpectedly..." I would suggest simply making that "...died unexpectedly" as the word "suddenly denotes the very same thing.
In the para. beginning, "Pearl promptly left..." In the third line, the sentence, "Mike was encourage by this apparent improvement in Dad's condition." You forgot the "d" on "encouraged" {On a personal note, I just have to say I experienced the very same thing with my mother the day she died.
In the para. beginning, "In the meantime my brother continued running Dad's business, continued doing business..." It will read great if you just drop the second "continued".
Nearing the bottom, 6th to the last para: "She never investigated the assets that were turned in to the bank... Very small suggestion..it would read better to say the assets were turned "over" to the bank rather than "in".
4th para. from the end..." we know thatvengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord..." Just need a space between "that" and "vengeance".
Did I Learn Anything From This Item?
Oh goodness, I could just put myself right into the family picture. Pearl is an exact duplicate of my sister..wanting her share of everything. Never there to help or encourage...just take, take, take!
This was written so well that it was easy for me to slip into the picture and feel what you were feeling and experiencing.
General Comments About This Item
This was a blue-ribbon story. You've conveyed all the players both inside and outside of the family in a crystal clear way. I felt like I knew each one of them and felt so bad for your you.
My dad and mom, who owned a successful business, both died within six months of each other and I will never forget the nightmare of weekly trips to their home after they died to literally take care of business, get their home cleaned out and sold, etc. It is a monumental task, as you well know.
My sister, of course, was of no help yet she was right on the phone to me if there was any discussion of the estate! I'm just glad you all came out strong after that long ordeal. I wrote a book about my 2-years of struggle...I called it "The Silent Cry" since my parents' wishes were ignored the entire time they were in State Custody. I quickly learned being their Guardian meant absolutely nothing when I couldn't make decisions that reflected their wishes.
Keep writing!! I know how difficult this must have been for you to write, but stories like mine and yours need to be told.
Judy
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Judy