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302 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Love In Namibia  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I think this is a great piece. I know the contest it's written for and it's not at all easy! And the fact that you rose to the extra challenge of having at least one word starting with each letter of the alphabet makes it even more impressive!

I always found that pieces for this contest are a little difficult to read. I therefore really liked the aliterations that you used. I also really liked that this is a definite little story, and I could picture the scene very well!

Great job, and keep up the good work! Write on!
- Jules
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Review of I believe  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Rachel,

and welcome to WDC!

What a wonderful essay - as a fellow animal lover, and someone who dreads beyond comprehension the day I'll have to say goodbye to my dog, this really touched me. I am so sorry about your loss, but so impressed and inspired by your positive outlook. It really is a great way of looking at things. It must be terrible, but at the same time, it's so much better to celebrate a life rather than to mourn a death.

Molly was a very lucky girl to have a dedicated owner like you!

On a technical note (as if that's needed!) I thought that this piece was well written. It had a catchy beginning and a powerful end, and really told a story. At the same time, I didn't notice any typos at all. Great job!

Thank you very much for sharing this, and keep up the great work!

- Jules
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Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear THANKFUL SONALI Library Class! Author IconMail Icon

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

What a clever use of an in&out! This really made me think (and roll my eyes and giggle at times)!

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* It's great to see so many different thoughts on the matter. As I said above, they really are all very valid points - some serious, some funny, some downright silly. It's interesting and fun to read at the same time, and definitely entertaining!

*Paragraph* Points to Think About:

*Star* There's really not much for me to say here. I just think it's a great item! I hope it'll keep growing. =)

*Note1* Final Comments:

Thank you for sharing this, I really enjoyed it! Write on!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Nyoni Author IconMail Icon

I’m reviewing your short story, "Choices at the CrossroadOpen in new Window. as one of the judges of the Project Write World Contest.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

I thought this was a very moving story about a family in a very tragic and desperate situation. However, there was light at the end, and despite the tragic circumstances the characters finish on a hopeful note.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Note* I thought the conflict in this story was great. The characters were most certainly in a terrible situation, and I felt very bad for them. This kept me very interested in the story, and I wanted to see your characters triumph. Great job!

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* I thought that the story relied on “telling” a lot, where you could have been showing. For example, you often simply said how a character is feeling, rather than describing it or showing it to the reader. Along the same note, you used a lot of adverbs. While I am not one of those writers who think that there is no room for adverbs at all, I thought they were a little overused – again, I think the story would have been more vivid if you “showed” a little more, and “told” less.

*Note* While I could imagine the opening scene very well, the two poor girls in the caravan, it wasn’t until much later that you revealed the exact circumstances and context (i.e. that they were white people living in Zimbawe). Personally, it would have helped me understand the story better if I had known that sooner. As it is, I didn’t picture them in Africa until much later – the opening sequence could have happened in any country.

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

I only noticed one little typo in the story. Otherwise it seemed very well edited and revised, good job!

*Note* “What about you? Helen was terrified but trying not to show it. *Right* Missing quotation marks here.

*Note1* Final Comments:

I liked this story, and thought the conflict was great. There were almost no typos and it was well edited. Thank you for sharing this story, and write on!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I think this is an excellent idea on so many levels, thank you so much for running this!

It'll help us set aside a little time every day to write, which will hpefully mean that Nano won't hit us too hard! It also prompts us to think a lot about our novels this month - so that hopefully next month they will just come flowing out of the ends of our pens.

And mostly, it fuels the excitement and anticipation. A super activity!
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Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear SWPoet Author IconMail Icon,

this is a review of your story "Dancing Lonely in a CrowdOpen in new Window.. I’m reviewing this today as one of the judges of the "Project Write WorldOpen in new Window. contest.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

I thought you did a good job describing a very subtle scene here. The story actually only covers a few moments in time, and focuses on the detailed thoughts and changes of mind. It’s a very interesting idea, and I think you wrote it very well. It was certainly a joy to read, and I enjoyed the character transformation that takes place.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I was impressed with how much information you covered about such a short, subtle moment. Without boring your reader, you managed to write over a page about a short moment in time only. I thought that was very skilfully done, and I enjoyed reading about this.

*Star* The emotions you portray in this piece are very “subtle” and human. I thought this showed great insight, and was well described.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* In terms of the contest, I wasn’t sure how this related to the prompt. I thought this could have been made a little clearer. Also, while I did get some hints that this was set in the American SW, again, I thought this could be drawn out a little more.

*Note* I understand that this is about the thoughts and emotions of the narrator, and as I’ve commented above, I thought you did a great job. However, I thought you introduced the setting rather late, and I struggled a little with the first paragraph, trying to decide where they were. I thought this would have been a great opportunity to also make it clear that this is a very “south-western American” piece.

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

*Star* I didn’t notice a single typo or punctuation issue, excellent work! *Smile*

*Note1* Final Comments:

I hope you found this review helpful. I certainly enjoyed reading your story! Thank you for sharing this, and keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear yeahnomouse Author IconMail Icon,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your story "To Insure PromptnessOpen in new Window..

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

You make a very clear case for tipping in this piece, and make your thoughts on this matter very clear. The piece is straightforward and easy to follow, as an essay should be in my opinion.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* As I have pointed out above, I like that your argument here is well laid out and followed throughout the piece. The reader is told right from the start (in the title and subtitle) what this piece is about, and you stick with it. Your personal opinion becomes apparent throughout, and you state it explicitly towards the end – at which point the reader should, hopefully, agree with you. =)

*Star* I particularly liked that you used vivid examples to illustrate your case, rather than just talking about this problem in general. I thought that the scene where the waitress clears the table was especially good and relevant, as it gives the reader both sides of the story.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* This is your piece of course, and your personal opinion (and I have to say that I completely agree with you). I’m not saying that this should be included, but I was a little surprised that you didn’t touch on the fact that the tip is income for the waiter/waitress as well. You focus your argument on the fact that not giving a tip is rude, and indicates and absence of gratitude. However, as I understand it, part of the problem is also that the waiters/waitresses are often not paid very much basic wages at all, and the assumption of the restaurant owner is that this is topped up with tips. I would personally think that this is an important part of this argument. However, this is *your* argument, so I’m not at all telling you to include it. I’m just sharing my thoughts here. =)

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

I’ve noticed a few structural issues and typos, I hope you don’t mind me pointing these out to you:

*Exclaim* You're Your break from it all.

*Exclaim* It's a choice that’s that’s possibly a little more than you had planned but what the heck, you deserve it.

*Exclaim* You're Your meal arrives in a reasonable amount of time,

*Exclaim* Since this server did not recieve receive a tip *Right* this word appears three times in the text.

*Exclaim* Why would you, as a patron of this restaurant decide to spend money on a meal, knowing that you will be provided table service, when you will not be able to afford to show that you are gracious (I’m not sure if this is the right word here… perhaps “grateful” would be more appropriate?) for the service you recieved received?

*Question* Additionally, in the third paragraph there are a few instances where you don’t have a space ( ) following a full stop or a comma.

*Note1* Final Comments:

I thought that you formulated a good, and very clear argument here, which you illustrated with vivid examples to really make your case to the reader. I hope you found this review helpful! Thank you for sharing this, and keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review of De Ja Vu  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Korie Author IconMail Icon,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your story "De Ja VuOpen in new Window..

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

An interesting, very surreal piece, that doesn’t quite add up – which is the point! It definitely left my head spinning! =) I like your subtitle “use your imagination” for this. It almost seemed like a strange kind of nightmare to me.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* This piece certainly felt surreal and confusing, but in this case, that’s what you were aiming for, so well done! The content is quite sinister, but the facts that the events seems to be repeating themselves adds to the mystery. The events do add up though in a strange way, so it’s not confusing to the point where you lose your reader. It’s just confusing enough to keep the reader intrigued, so very well done! =)

*Star* I think you did a great job building the mystery and intrigue into this piece. It’s sharp and sinister, yet somewhat void of emotions – which to me, made if feel like a dream, where the protagonist is almost more of a helpless observer and the events inevitable. I thought that worked very well.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* The one thing that I think needs most work with this piece is the tense. You are very inconsistent with this throughout, and I really think that should be consistent (e.g. you turn to him, but then he slurred, after which he yells and you yelled back). Perhaps you did this deliberately, trying to throw the reader as this piece is dealing with events that have already happened in the first place. However, I just found this difficult to follow, and think that the strange sequence of events is sufficient to make this clear. I think it would be a lot easier to read if the tense was consistent, i.e. either all in present, OR past tense, but not both.

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

I only noticed on minor typo as such, I hope you don’t mind me pointing this out:

*Exclaim* Next thing I know, I awake mid-afternoon listening to someone stubling stumbling (?) in the living room.

*Note1* Final Comments:

I hope you’ve found this review helpful. Your piece certainly did stir my imagination. It’s very bizarre, but in an effective fashion. Thank you for sharing this, and write on!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review of A Halloween Story  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear J.T Moore Author IconMail Icon

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your piece "A Halloween StoryOpen in new Window..

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

I thought this was a very well written piece, very sinister and sad. The tone makes it definite Halloween material, however, the underlying message is much deeper and much more of a human tragedy than simple Halloween scares. A great read!

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I thought that this piece was very atmospheric and sinister. As the title suggests, the theme of Halloween comes across very well in the tone and style, which is plenty creepy and dark. I really enjoyed your writing style.

*Star* I found myself very captivated by this story, and the tension and hooks were great. I honestly didn’t want to stop reading it until I got to the end. You did a great job keeping me interested and intrigued throughout.

*Star* In a literary sense, I really liked your protagonist, John, even if he’s quite an anti-hero in many ways. The tragedy of his situation becomes very apparent only towards the end, and even though his act is despicable, it’s understandable. I’m very impressed with how well you handled the subtleties of his act, and even dropped hints throughout (e.g. saying that on Halloween, everyone was a freak).

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* I only have one minor point I’d raise for you to perhaps think about concerning your story. The story could be split into three parts: at home with his mother, outside with the candy, and back home in bed (which includes the memories and “resolution” of the story). Of these, I felt that the first part didn’t relate clearly to the other two. While he’s in bed, pretending to be sleeping at first and his mother visits him, I get some idea of their personalities. The part is also written in quite a creepy tone, which made it quite intriguing. However, I wasn’t sure how it related to the plot. Perhaps it would be worth dropping some minor hints here? I think the characterization is important here, as John comes across as a hard-done-by, but otherwise decent teenager. I just think it could related a little better, and perhaps some of the later events could be foreshadowed to tie everything together a little more.

*Note* Another important point I’d raise is the rating of your story. It’s “E” at the moment, but it’s quite sinister and I think the content isn’t suitable for young children… This has nothing to do with the story itself of course, but I’d suggest giving this a 13+ rating.

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

Overall, I thought the story was extremely well written and edited to a very high standard. It was a joy to read. I only noticed two very minor issues, I hope you don’t mind me pointing them out to you:

*Exclaim* While the costumes varied, all the trick or treaters all hid behind a mask of anonymity.*Right* The second part of the sentence uses the word “all” twice. I’d suggest getting rid of one of them.

*Exclaim* It didn’t bother him now, after this night he wouldn’t be the only one . *Right* There’s a space between the last word and the full stop that shouldn’t be there.

*Question* I’ve also noticed that the first paragraph is tabbed in farther than the subsequent ones. I’m assuming that’s a mistake. It’s only cosmetic though – I’m sorry, I’m being stupidly picky now! =)

*Note1* Final Comments:

What a story! It’s so sad and tragic, but also very human. It’s extremely well written and was a real joy to read. Definitely keep up the great work, and thank you very much for sharing this!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Brenda L. Long Author IconMail Icon

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your piece "Why I didn't do my homeworkOpen in new Window.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

Oh dear! What an excuse for not doing the homework. I thought this was a delightful little piece for children. It needs a little editing though. =)

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I really loved the “childish ramble” of this piece. I could just picture it, a young child with an overactive imagination babbling away in front of the teacher. The story has a nice flow, and I love the random detail that you keep throwing in throughout the story (such as the names of all the pets) – just like a child would do!

*Star* I thought this piece had a lovely feel to it. The farm setting was very nice and clear. The whole piece had “carefree childhood days” written all over it. It really was a joy to read.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* As far as the content goes, I thought this piece was great as it is. However, there were some structural issues that I think you could address to sharpen it a little. These revolved around two main issues:

*Exclaim* Quotation marks/Direct Speech

The quotation marks seem to be very confused throughout this piece. The first two paragraphs end with quotation marks, but didn’t start with them.

Before the sentence: "Nonsense, my dear, here, give it to me and I will get it done for you. Now you go play." you have two quotation marks.

In the sentence: "I can’t I need to my homework, I whined, looking back down at my paper." you have the quotation marks at the wrong point. *Right* "I can’t I need to my homework,” I whined, looking back down at my paper.

I’d suggest just going over this piece carefully and tidying up the quotations.

*Exclaim* Tense

Similarly, you are not consistent with your use of the tense in this piece. The child is telling the teacher about what happened yesterday, so it should all be in the past tense. However, you slip into present tense at times (e.g. “He trots over to my bull.” and “She very quickly drops my paper off with Simple.”). Again, I’d suggest making this consistent.

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

I’ve pointed out the main structural notes in the previous section. However, I didn’t notice any typos at all. Great job! *Smile*

*Note1* Final Comments:

I hope this review is helpful to you. I really enjoyed this little story. I wouldn’t change anything about the content, but perhaps attack it once more with a red pen! =) Thank you for sharing this, and write on! Welcome to writing.com!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Grace,

this is quick review of your second chapter of City of Sin before our chat tonight.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

This chapter is certainly an interesting transition from the first one. This chapter takes us into a dream, which gives us a vague idea of a terrible family tragedy (but whose family?) as well as a little more intrigue about the stranger that Crys met earlier that evening. It heralds the fact that larger things are to come.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I like the intrigue that this chapter adds. It’s a completely new dimension to this story. Crys is dreaming something, but the way you tell it leads me to suspect that it’s not just a random dream. The events that she’s dreaming about, the family tragedy and the fact that the stranger seems to be in a lot of trouble, I suspect, are quite closely related to reality. That also makes me think about Crys’ abilities… does she, perhaps, have some mild premonitions?

*Star* I like the “dreamy feeling” of the dream. While it’s far from a pleasant dream, the things that happen are certainly dream like, and well captured, I though. =)

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* While I like the fact that this chapter adds another dimension to the first chapter, I’m not sure I would have followed this if it wasn’t for the fact that the subtitle suggested that this is a dream. The first chapter is all reality, and there’s nothing particularly spiritual or supernatural to it. That changes in this chapter. I don’t think that’s inappropriate at all, I’m just worried that a reader might not pick up on the fact that this is a dream from the start – which might leave them to draw all sorts of wild conclusions about what’s going on. It might be good to somehow indicate early on that it’s a dream. I’ll think about this a little more, hopefully I’ll have some more concrete suggestion tonight. At the moment all I can think of is to give the chapter a title that suggests dreaming.

*Note* Similarly, it’s very late into the dream that you introduce that the dreamer is actually Crystal. This early in the story, I wouldn’t necessarily assume this as a reader. And it’s only after the dream that you reveal that the man is actually the one she met in the first chapter. I understand the difficulty here – why would she dream that this is the stranger she met? I was thinking that perhaps you could make the description a little more obvious, just something that strongly resembles what you had in the first chapter – so the reader makes the connection without you having to state it. Otherwise, it might be a long dream to just follow without being able to make sense out of it.

*Note* I felt that I times you relied on telling what you could be showing. This is especially true during the dream. For example, you said that “suddenly the door swung open and he was standing there, looking angry.” In cases like that, it might be better to describe how he looked, and let the reader figure out that he was angry. (e.g. clenched fists, rapid breathing, red face, etc.)

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

Just a few minor points. Overall, I thought the piece was well written. There were two sentences that I found didn’t work as they stood:

*Note* “Agilely slipping around the street lamps that would reveal his presence.” *Right* I think that should either be linked to the previous sentence with a comma, or it should start with “he slipped…”.

*Note* “Crystal was jerked awake by her Liza’s, rough shaking.” *Right* Something must have gone a little wrong here, I’m guessing you tried to change it from “her maid’s” to “Liza’s” and ended up with something in the middle. =)

*Question* At one point, you’ve got a minor slip in PoV. It’s not a big issue at all, and I think it’s borderline in any case. But seeing that this is told so reliably from Crys’ PoV, it stood out to me: “He glanced over his shoulder, not noticing her there on the sidewalk, before he slipped inside.”

I’ve also noticed a few minor issues that stood out to me. There’s no right and wrong with these, so I’ll just point them out here. I hope you don’t mind. =)

*Exclaim* You use the word “suddenly” a lot. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with the word itself, it did stand out to me.

*Exclaim* Alright, this last point is something that’s often been pointed out about my writing as well. I’m more aware of it now, hence I probably pick up on it. And I put my hands up to being a bit of a hypocrite here, as I too, do this all the time… even though I try to fix it when it comes to editing. What I’m getting to is that you’re using a lot of adverbs. You’re also resorting to using “she felt…” a lot, which is another thing I’m also very guilty of. =)

*Note1* Final Comments:

I hope you’ll find this review helpful. I’m curious to find out what happens next, and how this dream relates to reality. =) Keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review of Under the Bed  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a great poem! It's strangely reassuring to find out that I'm not the only 20-something who still tucks in tightly at night, just in case... And don't even get me started on the closet at night! *Wink*

I like the free-form of this poem, and the short phrases make it pass very quickly - like a frightened heart beating erratically.

Thank you for sharing this, and definitely keep up the great work! =)

Best wishes,
- Jules
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Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Blaidd-ddyn,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your piece "Breakfast on Venus"!

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

What a sweet little piece. As you say in your subtitle, sometimes the best things in life are the "ordinary" ones, the ones we already "have" - in your case, a relaxed breakfast and a loving partner who adores you.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I really liked the feel of this piece. I very much got into the relaxed and casual, Sunday-morning-type atmoshere of this piece.

*Star* I like how you do really just focus on the ordinary things in life, but make them seem special and enjoyable - the cooked breakfast, the tea which they slowly sip. And mostly, of course, the love between them, and the fact that Caitlyn adores Emma despite her being "fat and tired". Lovely writing.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* Firstly, just a practicality of this site. Your piece is rated "E", however, I think it needs a higher rating. Not so much because of the lesbian couple, but because of the touchy-feely, romantic interactions between them. I'd suggest setting this to 13+, but you might want to check the guidelines. =)

*Note* You keep switching the PoV between the two characters. This sometimes makes it a little difficult to follow the events. It's at times a little hard to realise who is doing what, and who is the one who is feeling what is going on. I'd therefore suggest just sticking with one of the two throughout. I'm sure the piece can remain just as vivid and rich if it's told just from one of their points of view. I'd suggest Emma, seeing that this is "her" morning, and she's the only one around during the first two paragraphs.

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

Overall, I thought that this piece was very well written. I've only noticed two minor typos, I hope you don't mind me pointing them out:

*Exclaim* She didn’t notice her partner, (comma) Caitlyn, (comma) who had just stepped into the kitchen and was now leaning on the counter.

*Exclaim* Caitlyn reached towards a plate behind Emma’s back but she noticed this and slapped her on the hand.

*Note1* Final Comments:

I thought this was a lovely story, full of the "feel-good-factor"!Thank you for sharing this, and keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review of Covet  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Sam

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your poem "Covet".

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

I thought this was an interesting poem. It made me feel quite hopeless and ungood. It's quite true, isn't it?

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* Your imagery is very clear, and I really liked some of the descriptions that you used. Stretching out so much, reaching for something so desperately that our bodies become thinner and injured. Consuming but never being fulfilled or refreshed. I thought that was all very nicely described.

*Star* While I'm not familiar with this form of poetry (and don't need to be), I like that you use a very consistent format. It's makes it easy to follow the poem, and to feel "at home" within it, however unpleasant the subject matter.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* In the third to last verse, the tone seems to shift. The narrator seems to be facing up to what is happening, and he or she seems to be wanting to make a change. That's how I read it at least. However, in that case I didn't quite follow the last two verses - I wasn't sure what you are trying to convey here. They seem to have gone back to the prior tone of simply describing the situation, rather than follow on from the third to last.

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

I didn't notice any typos or structural issues, well done! (except for an extra line break between the second and third paragraph).

*Note1* Final Comments:

I think that this poem cuts to the chase, and really describes the situation that a very materialistic and "consumeristic" person would find themselves in - never fulfilled, using every means to an end, while wasting away in body and soul. It's very well told! Thank you for sharing this, and keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Dear Gray Eyes,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your story “The Neighbor in 8B”.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

What a story! I found it very scary and creepy, but found myself absolutely glued to it, unable to put it down until I had gotten to the end. I’m not usually a great fan of horror, but this was great.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I thought that the tension in this piece was incredible. I was immediately hooked into this story by what I assumed to be a severe case of domestic abuse going on in the flat next to that of our protagonist. However, this turns out to be something much more sinister in the end, and the road to the ending is paved with more and more tension. A thrilling read!

*Star* I like that this piece is so concise. You cover a lot of material in only a few pages, and no word is wasted. Ever sentence is relevant and to the point. This makes for great reading!

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* While I got some insights into the protagonist by virtue of the story being told from his PoV, the only other information that you made available was that he is a man. I would have found it a little easier to relate to him if I had known a little more – such as his age, his statue, his situation. It doesn’t need a lot more detail, but I think that would really enrich your story.

*Star* After he has met Glenda in the apartment and she stares at him, there’s a big gap in the story. How on earth did the police get there? Who called them? What happened to Glenda, and to David at that point? It was quite a jump that was a little unclear to me.

*Note* Similarly, I thought that the “resolution” of the story was possibly a little too subtle. So he looks in the mirror at the end and sees Glenda’s eyes. This suggests something supernatural to me, perhaps she is a demon that has now possessed him. In that case, I’d think just a little more would have happened at the moment when she possessed him – I take it that was when he was staring into her eyes. And how does David fit into all of this? I’m not suggesting at all that you should spell all of this out, but as it is, I thought that perhaps it was all just a tad too subtle. The man has just had a major fright. Perhaps seeing the eyes in the mirror are more a reflection that is haunting him, rather than a part of the plot itself?

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

I noticed a few little typos in your story, I hope you don’t mind me pointing these out to you:

*Exclaim* It wasn’t like I could break into the house. *Right* Not a typo per se, but a little inconsistent, as before they lived in neighbouring apartments – I’d therefore suggest using “apartment” instead of “house” here.

*Exclaim* But apparently you needed just-cause to enter a persons person’s home without their permission…

*Exclaim* “It won’t be,” I said outloud out loud as I stepped out into the hall.

*Exclaim* I had to cover my nose and mouth to keep from gaggin gagging on it.

*Exclaim* “You’ve been through something very traumatic tonight, (comma) sir.”

*Note1* Final Comments:

I thought this was a very compelling story, and I was genuinely glued to the pages. Very thrilling! Thank you for sharing this, and definitely keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review of Charmed  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Dear Cheyenne Kristine,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your piece “Charmed”.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

This seems to be almost like a diary entry, but not quite. You’re certainly remembering happy times from your childhood, and lament the fact that they did not and could not last forever.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* This story certainly did have the feel of a “careless” childhood to it. You describe a scene where you are all walking down the street together, and the main worry is just what you’re going to do that afternoon to avoid getting bored! I thought that the idea of a “simpler life back then” really came across nicely.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* You assume that your reader knows a lot in order to understand this story. For a start, your reader really needs to know the TV series “Charmed” in order to understand the childhood games properly.

*Note* In the last two sentences you allude to the fact that something has happened to Sami, and that part of this memory is that you are actually missing your friend. That is a very powerful point, and I really think it should be made much earlier in the story. As it is, it just leaves the reader with a lot of unanswered questions, and it is confusing that you only introduce this so late, without any explanation or following it up.

*Note* As such, I think this feels almost more like a personal diary entry at times. There are bits where the reader can’t really follow you (mostly the ending, revolving around Sami), when this piece is just very personal and relevant to you only. On the other hand, however, you do describe a lot of things for your reader that you, obviously, already know – so it’s clearly not intended as a diary entry. I think you’d have to give your reader more information to allow them to really understand your story and the reason why you are telling it.

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

There were a number of sentences that I found a little awkward, I hope you don’t mind me pointing them out below.
*Exclaim* My mother watched the television series Charmed all the time. *Right* I’d suggest: “My mother used to watch…” here.

*Exclaim* One Saturday we were walking down our street, thinking we were the stuff… *Right* “thinking we were the stuff” is very colloquial, and I’m not sure if all readers would follow you here. I’d suggest being a little more specific.

*Exclaim* My mother watched that show and that show only, and she taped every episode just in case she missed one on this VHS tape of hers. *Right* This was almost a little tricky to follow. I’d suggest making this a little clearer, for example: “This was the only show that my mother used to watch, and she recorded every episode on a VHS tape just in case she missed one.”

*Exclaim* Well at least I can kick a demon’s butt without powers.

*Exclaim* I don’t know why we grow grew out of them.

*Exclaim* Sami and Jordan had better handwriting than I did, so most of it was (written by) them.

*Note1* Final Comments:

I do think that this piece has a lot of potential, as a nice memoir for your childhood friend Sami. However, you really need to give your reader more information to understand this properly. Why do you want to tell this story? What are you really trying to get across?

Having said that, I did enjoy reading about your childhood games and all the fun you had! I’d miss those days too if I were you, I’m sure! =)

Thank you for sharing this, and write on!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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17
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Paige,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your piece “On the road to prom”.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

A cute little story about a girl who is desperately trying to get her knight in shining armor to ask her to go to the prom. In the process, her best friend attempts to come to her rescue – but it’s got a happy ending!

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I really liked how well you captured the “teenage” setting in this piece. To your characters, driving around in their car is just about the coolest thing in the world. You have also captured the teenage fears nicely, with your characters worrying about their school uniforms, Spanish class, and who’s going out with who!

*Star* Overall, I thought that this piece was well written. You have some very quirky phrases that made the piece very entertaining to read. The tree conversation was very funny and engaging (if not for Nathan and Bobby!). I also liked the “deathgrip” on her skirt a lot. =)

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* I felt a little lost at the beginning of the story. To say that I was confused would be overdoing it, but you seem to plunge in almost too fast. I was looking for a little information on the setting, where were they having this conversation, who are these people, etc? While it is clear enough and easy to follow, I found the start engaging only because your narrator seemed to be a pretty funny character. However, I really couldn’t picture the scene very well.

*Note* This almost seems like a part of a larger story. Of course it’s about Paige hoping that Nathan would ask her out, but you stop as soon as he does (quite literally, that’s the same line!). It left me hanging a little as a reader – last time she didn’t manage to answer his question, and she only seems even more worked up by the end, if anything. Will she manage to reply this time? Or will Megan have to rush to her aid once again?

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

*Star* I didn’t notice a single typo, and the whole piece seemed to be well edited – great job! =)

*Note1* Final Comments:

I really enjoyed this quirky little story or excerpt. It was engaging and fun to read. I think you’ve got a very playful and entertaining writing style that really made this piece so much fun. Thank you for sharing this, and keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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18
18
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear Kare Enga,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review for your poem “A radiant moon has set”.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

I really enjoyed reading this free form poem, even if the subject matter was very sad. As with your other work, this poem too is full of images of nature. I thought it was beautiful.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* This poem made me feel very humble and sad about the loss of a person. When reading it, I thought this poem was full of emotion and vivid imagery of nature, coupled with the theme of death and things coming to an end. I also really liked the Native American theme – I wonder if the woman this is dedicated to was Native American herself?

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Star* I don’t have any suggestions at all, I liked the poem just as it was! =)

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

*Exclaim* I didn’t notice any typos or punctuation issues at all – excellent work! On a very minor note, I’d question why you capitalised “Soul” and “World”. You didn’t capitalise any other nouns, except for the names, of course. I don’t think this is a big issue, and you get away with it easily in a free form poem such as this, I think. I suspect that you somehow wanted to make them stand out – though I didn’t understand why, as your reader.

*Note1* Final Comments:

Thank you for sharing this lovely poem. I can see why it was published – very well deserved. Definitely keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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19
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Kare Enga,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review for your piece “Dancing with the Luna Moth”.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

The theme of nature runs deep in this haunting story of a vampire recalls the part of her long life that has affected her the most.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I liked the setting of this piece. The forest scene by night was very vivid, and full of theme of nature. It’s a different view of vampires in a way, as they are not usually seen as “natural” (as in nature connected) creatures in literature.

*Star* The whole piece reflected the feelings of ancient sadness. In that sense, it really drew out a number of emotions in me, even if they were dark, haunted, and blue.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* My main problem with this piece was that I found the whole piece quite confusing in numerous ways. I wasn’t sure what was going on, who was saying what. It wasn’t clear at what point you switched from the current setting to remembering this past, and when you returned to the present – if you did at all.

Additionally, the subtitle suggests that Bunny tells this story – however, they characters (as far as I could tell at least), were talking about Bunny, rather than her being present (the line: “We sat up, shocked. Bunny was allergic to anything remotely garlic…” etc suggests that.) While it is good to leave your reader with some questions, I really struggled to follow this story. I’m sure I missed a lot of your more subtle points because of it.Which is a real shame, as you otherwise wrote it well – as I said, I thought that the setting was very vivid.

I’d suggest working on the structure, and making it clear who the narrator is (as the subtitle and the actual reference in the text are contradictory). I’d also use direct speech whenever they are recalling memories, and make it clear who is doing the remembering. I think that would clarify many things.

I also don’t know who all these characters are. Are they vampire’s as well? Are they related? At some point you mention “mother” – is that Bunny, perhaps? Or Bunny’s mother? Perhaps you can see my confusion!

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

I only noticed one typo, I hope you don’t mind me pointing this out.

*Exclaim* “The starlight in Meadowlarks Meadowlark’s eyes went out.”

*Exclaim* Though not an error in itself, I’d strongly recommend using direct speech to mark those passages that the characters are actually talking about, and to distinguish them from the present scene of picking garlic in the moonlight. I think that would go a long way to help with the confusion.

*Note1* Final Comments:

I think you have a talent for writing beautiful stories, and despite the confusion you managed to abduct me into a magical world in this story. It would be a shame to lose your readers because they can’t follow your characters and the events, though! I think this is mostly a structural issue though, and could be fixed easily if you made a clearer distinction between the current setting, and that which is remembered.

I hope you’ve found my comments helpful! Thank you for sharing this, and write on!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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Review of Just One Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear E.E. Coder,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your piece “Just One Time”.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

Another very interesting piece from you. You seem to have a real knack for writing about the things that a lot of people would rather not think about – I personally really admire this, and think it says a lot about you as a writer. This time, you challenge the idea that only certain people can get HIV.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I thought you did an excellent job at capturing the girl’s shock and anger when she finds out about this life-changing information. I thought that the style of changing between what the doctor is saying to her and her thoughts (in italics) worked really well.

*Star* As I’ve mentioned above, I thought it was really interesting to take on of the – in people’s minds – least likely candidates for contacting the virus as the protagonist of this piece. It’s all too easy to slip into a pseudo-safe mode of thinking that says “it couldn’t happen to me”.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* While you did a great job at describing her thoughts and emotional reactions, you never said anything at all about what she actually did to react to the doctor in his office. Did she say anything or reply to him? Did she take the flask of pills? I assumed that she must have done something, and not just sit there completely still and in shock – even though it would be understandable if she did, I didn’t think that the doctor would just keep going on like he did if his patient wasn’t reacting at all to him.

*Note* As I’ve stated above, I liked that you used italics to express her actual thoughts. I thought that worked really well – up to the point where you just slipped into narrative. When she starts thinking about her boyfriend, it is just a pretty non-emotional recap of events. I doubt that those are here actual thoughts in that moment. For example, rather than simply replaying the events in her mind, wouldn’t she think something like: “Why was I so stupid to accept that drink? Why did I have to feel as though I had to go along with them and their stupid party? And worst of all, why did I have to give in to Brad?” etc. You could still mention all the important events, but I think it would be better and more realistic if you did it in the same style as you have don’t up to this point in the story.

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

*Exclaim* I haven’t noticed a single typo or structural issue – excellent job. *Smile*

*Note1* Final Comments:

Thank you for sharing this really interesting and well written story. I have to admit that I’m curious about your other work now, and wonder if challenging people’s misconceptions is something that you try to do a lot. =) In any case, keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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21
21
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear E.E. Coder,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your piece “The Coldness of Revenge”.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

I thought this was a very interesting, if incredibly sad story. I’m glad that you told it though, as in times of war it’s all too easy to forget the suffering of those who are affected, those who are innocent. Your story is quite controversial as well of course, but again, I think this is quite interesting. It’s so easy to vilify the enemy, so to speak, and to never acknowledge where their motivations may be coming from.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I thought you did a great job at describing this little family, their initial happiness, which was later followed by real tragedy, and the suffering this brought. It was easy to related to them, and that in itself was brilliant about this story.

*Star* I kept thinking that if you were in America (which I’m not!) and would hear about Yusif in the news, he’d just be called a terrorist or a rebel. But you did a wonderful job at actually making the reader understand his numb pain and his motivations, and agree with them! It’s brilliantly done. In truth, “good” and “evil” as we like to think of the different nations at a time of war simply isn’t a matter of black and white. There are different motivations, different values and goals, and the common denominator is just the passion with which they are pursued. I think you’ve made that very clear, and I almost suspect that a number of “black and white” thinking readers might not like this piece for this very reason – which is a real shame.

*Star* I really liked the last paragraphs, as it linked directly back to the beginning. At the beginning, the main question for me was of course what had caused her to feel so cold and upset, and I’m glad that you came back to this at the end.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* This first point isn’t a criticism at all, it’s really just something to think about. I didn’t realise that Farah and Yusif and their little family were actually in Iraq until you mentioned Saddam Hussein, which took me by surprise at this point. Perhaps that’s a very good thing, as you describe them as a little family that I could very much relate to, without any pre-conceptions or even prejudices at all.

*Note* This story is very heavy on the narrative side, which I think at times “dulled” it a little, especially when the events and actions were actually quite exciting. Of course this is in part due to the fact that the whole story is told through Farah’s lamenting, for which narrative lends itself most readily. However, you do at times slip into actually describing little scenes (such as the birth of their children), which are a lot more vivid. I’d recommend doing more of this, i.e. more showing than telling!

*Note* I thought that the above was particularly detrimental when you described the war, and the losses of their two children. The narrative nature of it, and the “telling”, makes all these (very dramatic) events seem numb and flat. I am sure that this reflects, in part, how Farah feels at the moment when she remembers this. However, wouldn’t it be better if the reader understood the actual moments that ultimately drove Yusif down the path he ended up taking?

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

I only noticed one proper typo - I hope you don’t mind me pointing this out to you:

*Exclaim* “Maryam had received a terrible blow to her head, and remained unconscious for quite awhile a while

I thought that the text was a little clumsy at times, and often quite repetitive. You use the phrase that her parents “soon grew fond of Yusif” twice in the same paragraph. When you describe the American attack on the city, everything keeps coming “closer and closer” – you use this phrase three times in three consecutive paragraphs. I’d suggest changing these to something different.

*Note1* Final Comments:

Thank you very much for sharing this piece – I thought you did a great job at telling another side of the story, one that most people never think about, and many, I dare to claim, never want to think about. It’s just so much easier to “dehumanize” the enemy, and I think you did a fantastic job at challenging that gross misconception. Definitely keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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22
Review of Betty Lynn  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Coffeebean,

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

Oh Gosh, what a story! I thought this was very clever and an interesting read. You definitely kept my attention throughout. The ending with that punchline from Lynn was really funny. Poor guy!

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I thought your writing style was very good, and liked how you split his current situation, the accident, from his situation at home with his wife. Despite the jumps back and forth, it was always very clear - great job! =)

*Star* Despite this being a bit of a tragic story, the final line genuinely made me laugh. *Bigsmile*

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* I wasn't sure about switching the PoV to Harvey, a complete stranger, three-quarters of the way into the story. At first I thought you did this because Dale had died. But when it turned out that this wasn't the case, I wondered why you decided to abandon Dale's PoV. Perhaps you did have a reason after all, but as a reader, I found this a little confusing.

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

I've only noticed one little typo, and that's in the prompt! I hope you don't mind me pointing this out to you. You repeated the same error in the text.

*Exclaim* "As long as you didn't try to move to too fast, it looked like it would hold."

*Note1* Final Comments:

Thank you for sharing this great little story. I thought it was well written, and you made good (if a rather dire!) use of the prompt! Definitely keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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23
23
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear JudyB,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your piece “My thoughts about death”

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

As with your other piece, I thought this was a very personal and honest account. I think that it’s a good idea to challenge this topic, and write about it openly.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I particularly like the feel of this piece, as it radiates a sense of acceptance and peace, which is true to your motives.

*Star* I liked that you used a personal example to make a point. When you mention that you have been a nurse and dealt with death you are making it clear that you have indeed thought about this a lot.

*Star* At the start of the piece, you promise that you’ll take more positive outlook on death, and I like that you follow this through with some clear advice and points that you think would help others cope with death.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* While I thought that overall the piece was well written, I wondered what your actual message was. There seemed to be no clear, flowing argument to this essay – rather, it seemed to me like an array of (interesting and very valid) points. I thought that this piece could possibly be improved by giving it one central message, one which is made clear at the beginning of the piece, and then followed with examples throughout.

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

Again, I didn’t notice any typos, but I think there were a few punctuation issues. I’m not an expert when it comes to punctuation, so perhaps it would be worth getting a second opinion. I hope you don’t mind me pointing these out:

*Question* Actually, there are some societies which do not shudder and quake at the thought of "death" but on the whole, I do not know of a single individual who does not initially approach the death or approaching death of a family member, (not sure if this comma is needed) with anything but tears and sorrow. *Right* This is also a very long sentence – it might be best to split it.

*Question* Being open and hones with wishes are able to be shared, (again, I’m not sure if this comma is needed) can eliminate much heartache and question of “What do I do now?”.

*Exclaim* I also found that the text was slightly repetitive at one point: you write “it was evident his death would likely occur before morning” and a few sentences later “it became evident the elderly man would be taking his final breaths within the hour”. Seeing that both of these allude to the imminent death, I thought that using the phrase “it became evident” twice in a row was a little repetitive.

*Note1* Final Comments:

I thought this was a very interesting piece to read, and I thought that your points were all very positive and valid. You have a wonderful ability to see the positives even in the darkest of situation, which I think a lot of people could learn a lot from!

Thank you for sharing this, and write on!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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24
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear JudyB,

this is an Angel Army In-Depth Review of your piece “What Leukemia has taught me”.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

I thought this was a very honest piece. I’m so sorry to hear about your difficulties, but am amazed by the positive approach you are able to take towards it. This is a real inspiration to all of us, and I thought that in truth, this piece covers lessons that all of us should take to heart, no matter our circumstances.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* I thought it was great that you were so honest in this piece, talking openly about your personal circumstances. For me, as a fiction writer, I think I’d struggle being this open in a piece – well done!

*Star* I have already mentioned this above, but I salute you for your positive outlook in the face of extreme adversity. Rather than complaining about your situation (which you’d have every right to do!), you actually just turn it around and make the best out of it – not just for yourself, but also for others, by sharing your “lessons learned”. Kudos to you!

*Star* Finally, I thought that this piece was well written and had a clear message. It was very fluent to read and easy to follow and understand.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* This is only a minor point, but in the first paragraph you mention that you saw a doctor on August 7th of this year. Of course, now that we’re in 2009 that doesn’t work anymore.

*Note* The main point I’d make about this piece is that even though it is by default very personal, the way you tell it at the beginning feels almost a little depersonalised. For example, you make a very general statement when you say: “When a person receives news that they have a life-threatening disease, it completely snowballs the mind!” Would everyone feel that way? Why don’t you just say that this is how you felt in this situation? You could even elaborate what you mean by that? Do you mean that you were overwhelmed? Or that you were numbed? Or both?

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

I didn’t notice any real typos, but just a few minor things, I hope you don’t mind me pointing them out:

*Exclaim* “Over the next eight months, I would be away from my family for a full 1/2 half of that time” *Right* I’d just spell this out here.

*Exclaim* When you use the “…” the correct format would be “word… (space)word”, i.e:
*Note* “I would be away from my family for a full 1/2 of that time... (space)home for a month, followed by a month away

*Note* #2 – I have learned that positive thinking… (space)which is a “choice”… (space) enables us to…

*Note1* Final Comments:

I’d really like to thank you for sharing this honest and very inspirational piece. I hope things will go well for you, and you can put those lessons to good you and live by them! =) A well written piece, and a joy to read! Keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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25
Review of She Always Knew  Open in new Window.
Review by Jules Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear SWPoet,

this is a review for your piece “She Always Knew”. I’m reviewing this today as one of the judges of the “Project Write World” contest.

General Disclaimer: My reviews reflect my honest opinions, but are always given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. Please feel free to take or leave any points that I raise - it is your work after all! Having said that, I really hope that you'll find this review helpful!

*Flower5* Overall Impression:

I thought this was a very heartfelt story. It’s about quite a tragic situation really, and you make it clear that this isn’t an exception either. At the same time, this story is really about the personal journey and growth of the narrator, who changes her outlook in the end based on what she sees around her and as a result of the Annie’s baby.

*Thumbsup* Strong Points:

*Star* In the context of this culture, I thought you portrayed a very “south-western” culture, both in the setting and circumstances of your story, as well as the language that you use. I thought it was particularly interesting that you incorporated the racial issues that are still a problem for some.

*Star* I thought you did a great job with Annie’s direct speech. It read very realistically, and I think you captured the language very well.

*Star* I also liked your use of the prompt. It clearly related to this story.

*Thumbsdown* Points to Think About:

*Note* I thought the first few sentences of the story were interesting when I read them, and a good hook. However, when I read on I thought that they were actually quite inconsistent with the story. You said that Kay doesn’t care if girls got pregnant at 16, but she clearly does, and not only because of her own wishes of being a mother. She seems to be quite a caring social worker to me, so I would think that she did care on those grounds as well! You also say that she’s been told that she’s infertile. That is never quite repeated. Sure, she’s having severe problems having a baby, but having 3 miscarriages in 3 years is quite contradictory to this – as is the fact that she has her own baby in the end!

*Note* I thought that the scene where Kay tells Annie about her sorrows (i.e. the paragraph starting with “You are one observant young lady…”) felt very flat and monotone. Is she trying to keep her emotions out of this to protect Annie? If so, I think you should make this clear. Otherwise, Kay would have struck me as someone a little more honest with her emotions.

*Note* I think you are trying to indicate that she is changing her mind about something when she holds Annie’s baby, right at the end of the story. It’s clear that she desperately wants her own children. But at this point it seems that she’s more willing to consider adoption. However, throughout the story you said that she was always willing to consider it, it’s just that her husband wasn’t sure about that option. I thought this should be clearer. I also felt that you negated the entire change of character by hinting at the fact that she’s pregnant in the very next paragraph!

*Paragraph* Structural Notes/Typos:

*Note* I have to admit that I think this piece would benefit from a good edit. There were numerous typos; I hope you don’t mind me pointing these out to you:

*Exclaim* “It was Annie, a teenage foster child she worked with who was in labor.”

*Exclaim* “Today, all Kay had to do today was keep herself together.

*Exclaim* “Annie had asked Kay the week before if she would help her through labor.”

*Exclaim* “Annie made her wonder sometimes whether or not she wanted kids, (comma) but the answer was always “yes”…”

*Exclaim* “Don’t you think you can share something private with me? What’s going on? ” (quotation marks)

*Exclaim* “You always wanted kids?” (quotation marks)

*Exclaim* “I was hoping to get there before the baby came. Were you there? Please say she wasn’t by herself when she had the baby.”

*Paragraph* Your paragraph alignment is also quite inconsistent. Some are tabbed once, some twice, and some not at all. It’s just a minor point, but for a while I was wondering if there’s something different about these paragraphs, if you tried to make them stand out somehow.

*Note1* Final Comments:

Thank you for sharing this piece, and for entering it into the contest! Definitely keep up the great work!

Best wishes,
- Jules

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