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Review of Time: Part 1  Open in new Window.
Review by MarathonCat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
Hey Gina,

Well, here's the first of the reviews for you.

Your prologue, while intriguing, I felt contained just a little too much of the questioning thing. I felt almost as if I was reading the back of a book cover, or listening to one of those deep-voiced movie trailer voice-overs. I think you've got the right idea though, it just needs some tightening up. See comments at bottom for a detailed line run-through.

On to Chapter One.

Okay, the main things I see here are:

What I liked
You have an interesting set up here, very much 'The Game'-esque (Michael Douglas I think), which I can see will do a very good job of messing with people's heads.This is a pretty original re-working of the psychological angle though, which is going to be very cool.

What I didn't like
The only problem with a plot like this is that your writing needs to be as tight as...well, a very tight thing (sorry, similie deserts me). At present, your opening chapter is very, very confusing.

*Note1* You use present tense. Not a bad thing in all, but it's a preference on my part to use immediate past tense 'she said, she did, she took..'. And I found it hard to read. Also, this approach actually makes thought and reflection incredibly hard to add in, as the change from 'she says, she takes, to she thought, mused...' becomes intrusive.

What you need to work on

*Note1* You refer to your main character from an omniscient POV. That is, we, the readers, watch her as if we were watching a nature show narrated by someone. 'Upon arriving at work, she found something still didn’t seem right to her'. How do we know that it didn't? Did she frown, look around and check to see what was wrong. This is a very good example of 'showing' rather than telling. It occurs fairly frequently just now, but that is always where we writers start off.

What you really need to do with this chapter is to go through it with a big pen, and at every point where you see the words 'She says, she does, she takes, she thinks,' put a big mark. These are all the points at which you need to put in detail, thought and
interaction from Beth's POV rather than the Omniscient narrator. It'll help...I promise.

*Note1* Dialogue --- the bane of my personal writing life! I always found this incredibly hard, and I spotted a few familiar errors here *Wink*

Upon arriving at work, she found something still didn’t seem right to her. Jeremy was more outspoken than his norm. She asked him what was up, he said "nothin, the same as usual, why?" She felt as though she was still edgy from the dream, so she said “nothing, I just thought perhaps something was on your mind."

Okay, how do we know he was more outspoken than the norm. Can we have some dialogue to demonstrate. What happens when she arrives at work? Does she open a door, sit at her desk? What colour is her carpet? Does she have a view? Who sits near her? Where does she work (geographically)? THEN you can get into dialogue with Jeremy. If you try and visualise what you've written, you'll notice that your version goes 'arrive at work..walk up and ask jeremy if there's anything wrong..he says no.' In 'real life' wouldn't that just look weird? Writing a book is very much like trying to provide a mini TV screen for people to switch on. If your characters move around and act like they would if they were on screen (but obviously with the advantage that you can see inside people's heads) then you have...reality (fiction-reality though!)

Also, dialogue follows a form.

"I never said this would be easy Beth, but if you want it bad enough, you can do it!"

"One other thing. The engagement ring that you catch glimpses of is real, but no one can see it but you, and you will only be able to see it at the beginning of the dreams."

"Good luck Beth, let the game begin."


When you have a character speaking, but their speech breaks over paragraphs, you withhold the closing speech mark on the end of one paragraph, but keep the one at the start of the next. Closing speech marks are only for literally 'Closing speech.'

Each new character has a new line, you normally adhere to this, but I did find:

"nothin, the same as usual, why?" She felt as though she was still edgy from the dream, so she said “nothing, I just thought perhaps something was on your mind."

Grammar and Punctuation

Mostly fine, though I suggest a good run-through with the spellcheck and grammar check. You have a similar problem to me: I love commas, possibly over-love them if I'm honest. You have a small attraction for a few extras as well, so I've tried to point them out when I could find them.

Exclaimation marks in prose. Again, a personal preference, but unless it's spoken dialogue, I'd steer clear of exclamation marks and the like in the body of the text. You don't need to make sentences stand out, your writing, and the information that you give in the sentence will do that for you.

Bold-ing words. For me, also, a big no-no. Very intrusive again. If you want to make someone sound as if they're emphasising something in speech, italics is the generally accepted method of this.

Suggestions overall

My main feelings here are that you need to go back and look in detail at every aspect of Beth's life and world. At the moment, her character is very one-dimensional. You need to show us what she looks like, sounds like, likes, dislikes. What her house is like, her car, her job, her clothes. Only then can you ask the reader to climb inside her head and care about what happens to her.


To end then....some thoughts for the next time. I hope you take my comments as positive, as I really would love to help you improve. I wouldn't wish for you to be discouraged, because you do have the thought behind the story to drive it, it is only the execution that needs some work, and that's something we are ALL guilty of -- hence the reason we're here to help one another.

*Heart*
Kate



Prologue

What is time? Is there really a measure that's accurate? I somehow don't see it, perhaps it's because there are times, no comma when time doesn’t exist! Okay, I would lose the exclamation mark and start a new line. At least it doesn’t seem to.

When you are waiting for what is real to materialize, but then wonder...if it's real, should you not already be able to touch it? At least be able to experience it? But what if you already have?
Difficult paragraph. I get what you mean, but the sentence doesn't flow as nicely as I would like. You could try:

'When You are waiting for what's real to materialize, but then find yourself thinking that if it's real, you should be able to touch it, experience it. What if you already have?'

What if what you hold to be real in your heart,
no comma is not really there? no question mark, no comma and small 'but' to run on the sentence But somehow, you just know that it is, or was, or will be? At least there is a promise.


Beth found herself caught in a game that she must play successfully! Failure would be devastating to her and her future.

She hadn't asked to play this game, had she? She was really given no choice!

She found she was to be the key player. The man that kept appearing in her dreams was a mystery. Did she already know him? Was she going to meet him at another time?
"This is crazy," she thought, this must surely all be a dream!

But was it?

The game is on, and EVERYTHING is part of the game!
Okay, my own personal feeling is that you can lose all of this, as it really pertains to a back cover plot giveaway. Just leave the reader with the obscure questions in the prologue to tempt them on.
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Review by MarathonCat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was an absolutely beautiful, moving piece of poetry that truly touched me. I do not often give out 5.0's, but for this, I have to. Moving, inspiring and a great lesson to us all.
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