Neko ♥ Away's (ketsuekineko) Reviews

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#3350309

Review of Night of fears

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC, Laura ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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Wow! I really like this poem.

It has a great beat to it and an interesting form. I like the fact that you are so ambiguous and leave out a lot of detail... it helps promote the dream-like quality of this piece. The fact that you show us it was a dream at the end is also a superb part of your poem. The few qualms I do have with your poem involve capitalization and the word "tonne" (which should be "ton" I believe). Other than that, a little more imagery added... just a little... might help your poem greatly. However, it is wonderful as is. I especially like how frantic it is with the shortened lines.... Great job!

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

-Neko

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#3350141

Review of "Art an Expression of the Heart"

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC, writerchuck ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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Wonderful! Poetry truly is another form of art, especially for the maker and the readers. I enjoyed reading what you had to say, and your view on poetry (as well as art in general). I do think the poem could be carved out a little bit more by getting rid of some unnecessary words and shortening up some of the lines. Other than that, this was a joy to read. It just needs a little polishing before it's the best piece of art that it can be. Great job.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

-Neko

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#3350109

Review of Last Gift

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC, Amay ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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This is such a sad, yet moving, story. I had no idea when I first started to read it, that it was going to end in such a way. You drew me in with a depth of emotion - so much so that I could not stop reading till the end. It's sad that her love had to end in such a way, but special... and definitely a gift that they got to see each other in her dream. The few problems I found were the overuse of "she" and "he" as consecutive sentence starters. Also, in the last paragraph, I found the writing to be rather choppy near the end. Could it be written a bit more smoothly? Great job otherwise. I loved it!

Suggestions:

She felt the warmth of his breath as he whispered her name, he called to her.
I'd suggest removing "he" and either leaving it as it is or changing "called" into "calling".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

-Neko

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#3350091

Review of Different Power

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (2.5)

Welcome to WDC, Bob ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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First off, I'd like to say this is an interesting poem about two people with differences that compliment each other. Secondly, the poem is a little long winded. I think there are some words and lines you could remove to make the read much more smooth. Third, there are quite a few errors within this piece. If you go back with spell check, and check your grammar as well, there would be a great improvement in your poem.

One spot in particular I'd like to point out, is the part about the sun. This does not seem relevant to your poem, and thus could be removed. Also, I don't understand the point of telling a story through poetry such as this one. It might be better suited to prose.

Suggestions:

One is suffisticated, formal
"suffisticated" should be sophisticated.

As they success in life together
"success" should be "succeed".

So, the combined and worked hard
They used their powers to hid eachothers weakness
"the" should be "they" and "hid" should be "hide".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Great job. Other than the errors I mentioned, I enjoyed this poem. Thank you so much for sharing and keep writing!
-Neko

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#3350084

Review of One By One

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC, JGirl23 ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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You know what? I really like this poem. It's got an airy, dream-like quality to it. From what I read into it, the speaker feels like everyone in their life has "drifted" apart from them, and they're unable to reach them (or get to the same height as them). Then they fall in love with someone, who isn't higher - nope, they're lower. When the speaker finally catches this shooting star, they stop trying to reach others' heights, and instead they are themselves. It seems this works out better for them than trying to be at others' supposed "level".

Though I did enjoy this poem, I did think some more imagery could be included, but it is nice as it is! Great job and keep up the good work.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

-Neko

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#3350082

Review of Thick With Nothing: A Lost Paradise

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC, inmewetrust ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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Woo! A story right up my alley.

I love the subject matter of this short story; it's brilliant. You caught my attention right from the get go and I had no problem following along. I also liked the repetition - it showed a bit of this person's insanity. I do think you could add some dialogue from the doctor, or a little more time with the doctor, but that's my opinion. Another matter I was a little confused on was the "demon". Could you explain more about him within this story? Give us some more description of it. Is this the main reason this person was sent to the asylum? Other than that, I thought this was well written (though, you did have a few run-on's and a bit too many "I"s). Great job, and thank you for sharing this!

Suggestions:

That was my sanctity, my sanity.
"Sanctity" might be better as "sanctum".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

-Neko

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#3350076

Review of A Day in the Life

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (2.5)

Welcome to WDC, Acendence ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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This is a rather interesting tale of a man from ancient Rome. I thought that, in many cases, you used appropriate terminology, but at times you were a little too "present" with your wording. You gave us a good idea of some normal things that happened in the every day life of a Roman man; however, some abnormalities were included. Because of this, I think you might want to change the description and give our man a name. It's also extremely hard to follow along with this story without any description or background knowledge of this man. Show us how good of a father this man is, why he has such a connection with his son, and why the child reminded him of his son. We need more detail, more depth, to this story. Other than that, however, I did enjoy your story, especially the end. Great job.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

-Neko

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#3350003

Review of Destiny... (The Move Ahead)

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC, khaki ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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Wow, what a wonderful message! I love the ending of this poem... it's both insightful and marvelous. I wish someone had mentioned this earlier to me - that all paths lead to the same place. If I had known that... well, I probably wouldn't have worried nearly so much.

The poem was a joy to read - I thought it intelligently written and eye opening. However, it did have some "hiccups" in flow, as well as some awkward wording. If you smooth those bumps out, I definitely would rate this a five. Great job.

Suggestions:

Lowing to self, I ask slow
This doesn't quite fit the poem, and it's awkward. I'd suggest changing this word to something else.

To the path which lead you to
"Lead" should most likely be "led".

Thus, answered the other power.[,]
and left me in a confused mark.
Instead of a period after the first line, I think a comma would fit better. Also, the second line seemed a tad odd and out of place to me. I'd suggest changing it.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Keep up the wonderful work!
-Neko

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#3348713

Review of You'll know

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, Noxsociti ! I'm here to give you~

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This poem struck a cord within myself, as I have had many dark times recently. I understand that feeling, of wanting to live, yet at the same time dreaming of dying. I found your structure interesting, yet a little hard to follow at times. Other than that, this poem seems to be missing some imagery, but overall... it's a good poem. I felt it had some emotional appeal to it, thus my rating. Great job, and keep writing.

Suggestions:

But when I have[,] you'll know
A comma may need to be added after "have" and before "you'll".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

-Neko

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#3348259

Review of the light that brightens autumn trees

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, Dawn Embers ! I'm here to give you~

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Oh, wow, Dawn! What a piece of poetry this is... You have included such wonderful imagery for your readers. I like the fact that this poem is rather simplistic, yet complex as well (mainly in imagery and form). You've put together a true picture of summer ending; I could clearly see it. The way you've decided not to include punctuation helps to make this poem a "fleeting" moment in my mind... just as summer is to some of us. Well done. I saw no errors.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Hugs,
-Neko

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#3344718

Review of Schools

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, Dorianne ! I'm here to give you~

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Hello! Thank you for your earlier (kind!) review. I really did appreciate it, so I wanted to return the favor.

First of all, I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed this poem. Since I'll be starting school again this upcoming August, I decided to check your poem on "School" out. I was not disappointed. You capture the "good" essence of school quite well, showing that it is indeed a great place to learn. I do have some qualms with school, but what person doesn't? Thus, I'll take this poem as that of one on the good qualities.

(Which are right on!) For such a short poem, you managed to get a lot in. Very well done. I didn't see any errors that needed fixing.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

-Neko

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#3180342

Review of Steps to Nowhere

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Hello, Kristi and congratulations on being gifted the "Furuba Zodiac" package (from the "mARi's Signature Shop" ) by stacylynn71.

My Thoughts: Steps to nowhere, now there's something I can relate to (and I'm sure many others can as well). This poem can bring to mind SO many instances in which we are working hard for something that just plain "goes nowhere". For instance, one could even consider life itself as "steps to nowhere".

But now I'm just being pessimistic!

Content: Well, one can try to decipher a great deal of meanings from this poem... but I'm going to focus on *two* that I think are relevant to your poem.

1st A Lover: The first thing I thought "you" might be was a lover. The speaker has dreams regarding this person, hopes... goals... the works. They think that if they try hard enough and continue to "climb those steps" that they'll be rewarded and see their dream come true. Sadly, by the end of this tale... we find that this wasn't the case. Those steps led to "nowhere" right from the start, so why would there be any gain from "nowhere"? Apparently, if this was a lover the speaker was talking about, their love interest didn't want to be with them or didn't want to put forth the effort to continue a relationship (or what the speaker wanted for their future).

2nd God: I had to wonder if this poem was about God. I know this might be a long shot, but when I think "steps" and "climbing" I can't help but think of the stairs to heaven. Perhaps the speaker really wants to get to heaven, but for some reason they are unable to?

3rd Optional: I also (because I'm a writer) wondered if it has something to do with basic goals. Ex. Speaker has a goal (becoming an author) and tries to go for it, but finds that they just don't have the will to continue on, or it was never meant to be.

All of these readings are just what I *got* from your poem. They are by no means probably what you intended, but I thought you might find it interesting to see what I gathered from my read.

Suggestions: No errors or mishaps in the technical department could be seen. Excellent.

Favorites:
My heart is now bitter, my soul full of rage ~
these steps to nowhere I descend.
The breathtaking view my eyes won't see ~
back at the bottom my dreams do end.

When the speaker gives up on reaching that person/goal, it is an emotional experience. They know that they'll never get to see that "beautiful" place nor have their dreams fulfilled. I felt this was the most moving part of your poem, and it definitely brings things to a "close".

Overall: This poem was well written and moving. It had some clear emotional images and not once did I get bored. This poem definitely tells a story, but it's up to the reader to decide what that particular story is telling. I think this makes your poem unique and fascinating. I, for one, found it to be an enjoyable and intriguing read.

Well done! (The flow, rhythm, etc... all were great).

Thank you so much for sharing this with me and keep up the great writing. Hugs,
Neko

Please note that the entirety of this review is only meant to help you and to express how I felt about your work; none of it is meant to be offensive or hurtful in any way. Much of this is based on my opinion, so please feel free to take or leave whatever you'd like.

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#3180329

Review of Drowned

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Hello, Kristi and congratulations on being gifted the "Furuba Zodiac" package (from the "mARi's Signature Shop" ) by stacylynn71.

My Thoughts: The title of this piece drew me in at first glance. Feeling "drowned" certainly reflects a strong emotion, so I wanted to see if the poem itself was just as strong.

Content: We start off by being caught in a storm of emotion. The speaker is alone, "courage" having been swept away already (I wonder if courage stands for friends/friendship which are/is no longer there?). Things continue to worsen until all that's left is "silence". But, the author takes a different approach to silence than normal. Instead of silence being a bad thing, like most portray it as (in tough times... like depression), we instead are shown silence as something which relaxes us. I particularly liked this take on it, for it was unique in this type of setting.

My only complaint would be the last two lines. I don't understand how they relate to the previous two lines, especially since the exclamation mark makes it rather comical. It also seems to have a negative meaning, while the previous two lines were positive. Is this something I'm just not getting? Either way, the author might want to consider revising the last two lines if previous reviewers have felt the same way.

Suggestions: I found nothing that needed improvement in the technical department. Awesome!

Favorites:
Rumbling
vibrates all around -
Courage
swept away and drowned.

This stanza is absolutely amazing. Though I loved your take on silence as a positive, I felt the overall imagery and idea of this stanza to have a far better effect on the reader. I could see a devastating scene of disaster... such as an earthquake, and then also see poor courage taken away. It gives you both an image and something to read into...

Overall: This was an amazing poem for being so short. You included a lot of emotion as well as imagery. The flow & rhythm were also extremely well done. My one concern was the last two lines, but other than that the poem is beautifully written. It reminded me of how I feel when depressed/anxious.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me and keep up the great writing. Hugs,
Neko

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#3171717

Review of Clinging to the twirling wheel

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Hello, Lawrence ! It is my pleasure today to review "Clinging to the twirling wheel" .

My Thoughts: This is a vivid poem full of imagery; I couldn't take my eyes away from it. There is just something very deep about the images you've given us, and I can't seem to shake them after reading this. Now that is talent!

Content: As I said before, a lot of this poem is imagery. These images, however, meant a great deal to me. I am probably not interpreting the poem as you'd wish, but when I read this it made me think about when the atomic bombs were dropped in Japan. (In Nagasaki & in Hiroshima). I actually visited there recently (during the summer, as well as about 3 or 4 years back). Your images reminded me of the pictures I saw in several of the museums... which made this an extra powerful read for me.

I don't know if this is what you intended, but it looked to me like the poem showed the present as being so much better. Things have healed over, and now there's peace. Children are safe from the tragedies that occurred there so long ago, and hopefully it will not be repeated ever again. (Mainly, it seemed as if you were heightening the contrast between the past and present.

). I know the effects of what happened are not yet gone, and you show this by including the past within the present.

Let's see... here's yet another take on the poem. I think you could have also been comparing life where you are, to life in other countries which are at war/poor/etc. That one would probably make more sense in this poem's context, but I just had to mention my previous reading because I felt so strongly about it.

Lastly, you did well with the flow and word choices. It all worked together wonderfully to create a vivid and compelling picture.

Suggestions: I didn't see anything that needed editing. Excellent!

Favorites:
Across the street -
children
swinging, sliding,
giggling and shouting,
"Hey Daddy, did you see me?"

For some reason, this last stanza really got to me. It made me imagine all of the fathers (and mothers) who can't see their children or who have lost their child in some way. For me, this was the best part of your poem.

Overall: You did a great job. You definitely haven't lost your touch for writing at all, Larry! I enjoyed the mixture of happiness and sadness in this poem; it creates such a huge contrast that it draws the reader in with no way to escape. I didn't see anything wrong with this poem and I absolutely loved it.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me and keep up the great writing. Hugs,
-Neko

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#3171041

Review of Employment After the Fact

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Hello, Kristi ! It is my pleasure today to review "Employment After the Fact" , which I found by using the "Random Read!" button.

My Thoughts: What an interesting article! I honestly haven't thought about this subject much, but you've got the wheels a' turnin' now. I guess I'd agree with you on most of your opinion, except for maybe one thing. In general, I just think it's wrong to take drugs, because it can affect you and others in so many negative ways. Thus, I'd think it's okay to fire someone based on drug testing, because that means they are currently doing the drugs. It is also in their rules beforehand - the employee should be aware that there are drug tests done, and if you fail then you will be fired. In other words, it's that persons own choice whether or not they take those drugs and get fired.

That's just my opinion though.

You may not have wanted to know it, but I thought I'd share anyhow! (Because your article really got me thinking, which is, of course, a good thing!).

Content: The introduction could use some work. Instead of feeling like an intro, it just seems to jump on into the topic. Since it's your opinion, you could give us some background, etc, to link the article/info to your own views, etc.

The body was well done and informative about your opinion and what you think should happen. You had some very good ideas and thoughts on the subject matter, which I greatly appreciated and enjoyed. Your conclusion was also pretty strong. I did think some things were repeated a bit much, but other than that this was well written.

Suggestions: I didn't spot any technical errors. Hooray!

Favorites:
Everybody makes mistakes; some get caught while others do not. The bottom line is that every able bodied person deserves to earn a living. While it is logical that the options in which they have to choose from are limited, they should not be obsolete.

Your closing statement was excellent. It really tied things together and brought it all to a conclusion. Powerful and well worded!

Overall: This was a nice read. I enjoyed it and thought it very well written. The intro could use some work, and some things could be less repeated... but otherwise you did a wonderful job with this. You could stand to be more personal as well, but that's just my opinion. Let me know if you edit this piece in the future; I'm always willing to re-rate (and possibly re-review!).

Thank you so much for sharing this with me and keep up the great writing. Hugs,
-Neko

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#3171037

Review of Dreaming

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Hello, Britt--Just logged on. Shock! ! It is my pleasure today to review "Dreaming" . I found this item by using the "Random Read!" button.

My Thoughts: Wowee! I loved this poem. It's short, but sends a really important message. I've made a poem about "dreamers" myself, but I really liked your take on it. Very eloquent.

Content: Your writing style is elegant, but a bit hard to understand at times.

I had to re-read several times before I got the full picture. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing, but I thought I'd point it out anyhow. Other than that though, I felt the content of this item particularly appealing because of the unique images you use.

Some of us spend our whole lives trying to achieve our dreams; some of those dreams get discarded, just as you've described. There are also obstacles in our path (other people!) who might try to keep us from our dreams by saying it'll never happen (probably because they were never able to fully realize their own dreams). I liked that you said "true lies" because that which they taunt you with can be both true and a lie, depending on whether you allow it to keep you down or if you go forward and make your dream a reality.

Wonderful~.

Suggestions: I didn't see any errors nor make note of anything that needed changing - great job.

Favorites:
"We often sacrifice for that
Which we can not observe.
Paralyzed dreams lay abandoned
O’er battered fields strewn with crippled seeds,"

This was my favorite part of your poem. It's got great imagery.

Overall: This was a thought-provoking poem which was very well done. Some of it went over my head at first, but after a couple of re-reads, I was finally able to understand. I'd recommend this poem to anyone.

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#3169140

Review of Insanely Sane

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

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Hello, mARi😭DiagnosedDepression ! It is my pleasure today to review "Insanely Sane" .

My Thoughts: This is a deep poem conveying the author's feelings about Bipolar Disorder. Though I'm not that knowledgeable about the subject, I could feel the speaker's anxiety and fear of her emotions. I think you've presented this disorder well.

Content: I almost felt like I was watching a dream or something while reading this. Your writing style kept me intrigued and guessing; I felt like I was on a trip. (That trip being the one of ever changing emotions!). The use of colors to differentiate between emotions (and change of viewpoint) greatly helps the reader to follow along and understand.

I couldn't help but be dragged down that road of changing emotions, and because of that I think you've perhaps helped your reader to better understand what this disorder can entail.

You've made great use of imagery, the flow was right on, and I saw no trouble with any of the rhymes. However, I was somewhat puzzled by why it goes from first to 3rd person. Initially, I thought it was because 1st person means she was writing, but when she ripped all of her papers up that sunk that idea. I'm not saying you should change any of your poem because of this; it is merely a question that popped up in my mind.

Suggestions:

while all the darkness in me shrouds.

For some reason, "shrouds" sticks out as odd to me. I think it's because I've never seen it used in this manner before. I'm not sure if it is incorrect; however, I would like you to note that it may be. (Get some second opinions!

)

I'm giggling like mad, wanting all
the care, love, and looking after
while in this state-- deeper I fall.

I'm concerned about this portion of the last stanza in particular because of "wanting all the care, love, and looking after while in this state". To me, that does not quite make sense. I keep reading "wanting all the care, love, and looking after" as one thing, then "while in this state-- deeper I fall" as another. Either way, there's nothing to link the two together. Did you mean that she wants care, love, and looking after while in that state? If so, some punctuation changes (and/or word changes) could help to convey your message more clearly. Sorry if I'm not making much sense with this; all I can say for sure is that it's awkward to me.

(Let me know if you have questions about this suggestion!).

Favorites:
"Oh my! After all that screaming,
I simply feel so tired, so drained.
Now suddenly, tears are streaming,
their blackness getting me all stained..."

This is my absolute favorite stanza of your poem, though I admit I really loved some of the others as well. To me, this was a big change in emotion as well as an excellent image.

Overall: Mari, you know I love your work.

Thus, I'm going to spare you the paragraphs I could write to describe how much I enjoyed this poem. Excellent work~! (Let me know if you edit, as always!)

Thank you so much for sharing this with me and keep up the great writing. Hugs,
-Neko

Please note that the entirety of this review is only meant to help you and to express how I felt about your work; none of it is meant to be offensive or hurtful in any way. Much of this is based on my opinion, so please feel free to take or leave whatever you'd like.

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#3169131

Review of The Rags of a Toothless Witch

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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Hello, Tim Chiu ! It is my pleasure today to review "The Rags of a Toothless Witch" .

My Thoughts: This is, indeed, a comedic poem; but I've got to admit I was a little lost by the time I reached the end. However, I loved the subject matter. This is a great piece for a Halloween cackle!

Content: The poem starts out quite strong. We begin with a description of this "lovely" witch and then find out what she desires. Though her desire is a little strange, I went on with it (it's hilarious, by the way!). When I got to the stanza about the King, I felt a little confused. The poem was losing momentum and rhymes were being repeated. It also felt like he repeated what he was trying to convey more than once.

Here's one major part which puzzled me:
The king gazed upon her with an incredulous look,
Said, “What a lifeless shape full of sags!”
“A chic set of clothes would allow you to cook,”
“No person wants a witch dressed in rags…”

The line in italics didn't make sense to me, unless you mean "cook" as something other than what it usually means. To me, it looks like you made yourself use the word "cook" because it rhymed with "look". If there's some better word to use, I'd suggest you try changing "look" to something else and fit it in somehow.

Here's another which confused me:
He further surmised her toothless grin
And her efforts at make-up and glamour,
And said, “Nice clothes can never do one in,”
“Despite wielding a shield or a hammer!”

The entirety of this stanza had me lost. Firstly, I wondered if you were using the word "surmised" correctly in this instance. It didn't seem as if it were correct to me, when I looked it up. However, I could be wrong. Second (& last), I don't understand what he means by "nice clothes can never do one in". Does this mean nice clothes won't kill you? And what does wielding a shield or hammer have to do with clothes not killing you? I think I might be missing something here... Perhaps it's from a late night without sleep.

The rest of the poem continues in this fashion (kind of being vague/round-about). I had to wonder if the new lover was the king, because I hadn't seen anything he'd said being an approval of her.

As for the end, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to promote dressing smart as being the key to everything, but it looked to me more like you were making a parody of it.

Nice job.

Suggestions: I didn't see any real errors within the poem, though there was some trouble with flow & content. You should also consider making the rating 13+, because of the insinuations/subject matter. Here's one specific suggestion...

She’d had little luck up to this point
Finding a mate that would suit her,
So she sought out the king whom she helped to anoint
To act, upon hearing her rooster.

This line is a bit long. I'd suggest shortening it to help with flow. A few of your other lines could also be shortened to help with that same thing as well.

Favorites:
"Once there was a toothless witch
Who always dressed up in rags;
Her smile was like an empty ditch
And her body was full of sags."

This was an awesome hook. I could clearly see this frumpy witch - great imagery! I couldn't help but laugh when I read this.

Overall: Overall, this wasn't a bad poem, but it feels a bit rushed. I think if you iron out some of the stanzas, you would have an excellent poem on your hands. The subject matter is interesting and funny; I can tell you had fun writing this piece.

Please let me know if you edit this in the future, I'd be more than happy to re-rate (and re-review, if possible!).

Thank you so much for sharing this with me and keep up the great writing. Hugs,
-Neko

Please note that the entirety of this review is only meant to help you and to express how I felt about your work; none of it is meant to be offensive or hurtful in any way. Much of this is based on my opinion, so please feel free to take or leave whatever you'd like.

Are you creative? Do you like anime, manga, or reviewing?
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#3164228

Review of A Part Of Me -- WDC!

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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This review is on behalf of "Invalid Item"

& "SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP"

, where creativity & positivity counts!

Hello, mARi😭DiagnosedDepression ! I'm here to review your item "A Part Of Me -- WDC!" .

My Thoughts: Awesome, awesome, AWESOME! (Plus a huge smiley face...)

Those were my thoughts as I was reading this piece, Mari. You did such an EXCELLENT and CREATIVE job on this. I love how you tied in words from Japan, how you showed your feelings, and your friendships. Throughout this piece, you show exactly how WDC has become a part of you. Well done!

Content: Let's see... since this is a rather large essay/article and it's divided up by headings, I'm going to divide up my own review of the content to match it.

Introduction: You invite your reader in by telling us the reason this item was written as well as by telling us what is to come. This is a great hook that makes the reader want to delve deeper into "A Part Of Me -- WDC!".

Hitsuzen: You've given a description of the word and explained how it connects with WDC. We learn why you joined as well as a few interesting facts about yourself.

(Your love of manga!)

Reality: In this section, we learn more about WDC as well as how you've improved because of it. You give some great tips that I think old and new members can benefit from. (Improving by reviewing & reading is one of them!).

Make-Believe: Of course, if there wasn't a bad side to WDC, I'd say you were pulling my leg.

So I'm glad you added this section. I ought to have added a section like this to my entry as well... but oh well!

You've pointed out several problems, one of which is extremely specific to yourself, and the other two which touch on a subject that many members have a problem with. Membership is a tough thing to uphold on this site, if you're unable to pay directly. However, you've shown that it can be done, and I think what you've said about it might help others who have trouble. The "addictive" problem is a huge one for me too, and I know others have exhibited the same symptoms... Though, I don't know many whose dad was quite as strict as yours.

It makes me a little annoyed at your dad for doing that, but I guess he thinks it's best for you. (Maybe one day he'll take out the internet curfew? *Hopeful*)

You also touch on a very personal problem: your uncertainty of your talent. I know many people on this site, including myself, who deal with this very same thing. It's different for all of us though. I know that this may not help... but I wanted to say that I believe in you and I LOVE your writing. You have such a fresh writing style, it's hard not to enjoy it.

You are so descriptive in the way you word things... and everything usually flows together quite well.

Shinyuu: Here we learn what this particular word means (which is cool, by the way!) and we get to know the friends you've met on WDC. I think you've given a rather good suggestion at the start of this section, that of making friends with those who review your work. I enjoyed learning about the other friends you've made (many of whom I've met!) and I LOVED the section about me! (Yes, I know I'm biased... *coughs*). You forgot to mention one important thing though... we got to meet in Japan!

(I'm kidding! You don't have to add it.

Just thought I'd add it here for fun though). You've really outdone yourself with this section. I have no doubt that all of your friends who stumble upon this item will be ecstatic to see their name up there (and all the wonderful things you've said about them!). You're making me think about reworking my "friends" section... but I think I'll hold off on that for now.

(I'm sure you worked really hard on it...

it just blew me away when I saw all of that!).

WDC Genres: I loved this section! The use of WDC Genres to show what the "WDC experience" is like was a great and creative idea.

Conclusion: I'd say you did extremely well on both the beginning and ending of your entry. I also can't wait to see that other story (the one about how WDC came to be). You'll tell me once it's finished, won't you? I've also never participated in NaNoWriMo... and I'm wondering if I should go ahead and give it a try this year. I'm just so unsure about having enough time.

If I don't enter though, I'll be rooting for you!

Suggestions: I didn't see any problem with the actual item itself. It was well written and I enjoyed it immensely. The only errors I noticed were mainly in spelling/grammar (some of which seemed to be typos). Hopefully the below edits will hellp you!

I am hoping there will be a time to celebrate WDC's last 'two digit' bithday as well.
“bithday” should be “birthday” I think.

-necessity-
the fact that something MUST hapen or be done.
“hapen” should be “happen”.

I read some stories and poems here and there, check out the different 'wonders' of the site and then... I stumbled upon this page where people leave their opinions regarding WDC.
“check” should be “checked” since this is past tense.

My English isn't perfect, my grammar also sounds weird from time to time, and I tend to misspell or misuse a few words at some occasions.
For the latter part of this sentence, “on some occasions” might sound better than “at some occasions”.

Still, compared to when I first began, I think I am slowly making progress and improving in my own pace.
Instead of “in my own pace”… “at my own pace” might be more appropriate.

I learn a lot of things here from different people.
Since you’re talking about past experiences (of things you have learned) it might be more appropriate to phrase this sentence like this: “I’ve learned a lot of things here from different people.”

It is quite hard because I get confuse with the 'stress' and 'unstress' syllable thing.
Firstly, “confuse” should be “confused”. Also, “unstress” should be “unstressed” I think.

I can't seem to get out of my 'tell-phase' when I already need to 'show' more of what is happening in the story.
I’d remove the word “already”, since it’s not needed.

One of the great things here in WDC is how people love to read and review.
I’d say “here on” rather than “here in”, but I’m not entirely sure as to which is more correct. Just suggesting the “on” in case you’d like to consider it.

I mean, criticisms are fine, they help improve a writer's work after all. But to give criticisms without giving out reasons for them... feels insulting!
I’m uncertain as to whether my revision for these sentences is more correct than what you have, but I thought I’d suggest it anyhow: “I mean, criticism is fine; it helps improve a writer’s work after all. But to give criticism without giving out reasons for it… feels insulting!” or “I mean, criticism is fine; it helps to improve a writer’s work after all, but to give criticism without explaining why… feels insulting!” (Thus, if you do change the 1st sentence to this, you should probably change “But to give criticisms” to “to give criticism”.)

Although, I think there are a few of these people lurking around here in WDC (as I've heard from friends),[.] in general, I think everyone's nice.
Again, not sure if “in” or “on” is better in relation to “here in WDC”. Also, this should be split into two sentences since it is a comma splice. I’d make “In general, I think everyone’s nice.” a new sentence.

When one reads a good piece, review it.
Instead of “one”, I’d suggest “you”.

Then, you will know the techniques on how to write a good piece.
No need for the comma.

So, you will know what things to avoid and learn from mistakes.
“So” doesn’t sound quite sound right. I’d suggest” This way you will know…” (notice I took out the comma).

Running auctions, raffles and shops teach everyone how to handle and raise funds and managing these funds helps members to become honest and fair.
A little too many “and”s. I’d suggest this revision: “Running auctions, raffles, and shops teach everyone how to handle and raise funds. Managing these funds helps members to become honest and fair.” You could also link the sentences with a semi colon instead of a period.

Now you see, these are the "realities" which make WDC an awesome, lovable home.
No need for the first comma.

At first, it was to help me with funding my upgrade but gradually I began to enjoy doing the activities and so I am still continuing some of them.
A bit long. You could probably separate this into two sentences.

The main problem here is, WDC is becoming an 'addiction'...
It’s a bit odd with the “is” and comma. My suggestion: “The main problem here is: WDC is becoming an ‘addiction’…

Although too lazy to review most of the time).
“Although I was too lazy to review most of the time” (notice the “I was” added).

I figured, I should just post something right away and if anyone reviews, I'll try to strike up a decent conversation... Surprisingly, it worked!
No need for the first comma.

He said he wanted to help newbies like me who strives to become better.
“strives” should be “strive”.

The next person I became close friends with was, Yami.
No need for the comma.

We would e-mail each other everyday.
“Everyday” should probably be two words in this case: “every day”.

She'd tell me about her big and lively family and I would tell herhow I would like to have a family like that someday.
“herhow” should be “her how”.

She's sweet, kind and patient. (especially the latter!)
The “E” in “especially” should be capitalized.

she supported me with my decision to run an c:plum{auction.
The writingML here needs to be corrected.

(Even thought I'm not confident about them.)
“thought” should be “though”.

We haven't really talk but I imagine her as someone who won't hurt even a fly!
“talk” should be “talked”.

I haven't seen here around as of late...
"here” should be “her”.

I met them when I was running the, "My Heartfelt Graitude Raffle".
“Graitude” should be “Gratitude”.

They helped me a lot, been kind and supportive, and lead the way for me to meet...
“Lead” should be “led” since it’s past tense.

After such a disaster, I haven't dropped by the ABN Page that much...
“haven’t” should be “hadn’t” since that was in the past.

She sent a message to everyone who was a part of ABN and told us she's going to start anew and that we could start posting again in the forum for the specifics about a partner if we were still interested.
This is a rather long sentence. I’d suggest splitting it into two or more sentences if possible.

How does the WritingDotCom experience feels like...??
Grammatically, this sentence is incorrect. It can be easily fixed though. Here are two possible ways to revise this sentence: “How does the WritingDotCom experience feel…?” or “What does the WritingDotCom experience feel like…?”

(getting more involve not only with writing but also reviewing and other activities)...
“involve” should be “involved”

WDC is a big, big family composed of people not related by blood
but are connected nonetheless, by the red string of Fate.
You could easily remove the “are” and have the same meaning.

At first, I planned on adding a link of that one here...
Did you mean “one” or “on”? Wasn’t sure so I thought I’d point it out.

Favorites:
"You see, meeting WDC (perhaps? --at least I feel so...) wasn't really as simple as an 'accident'. It was an inevitability, a necessity that was needed to be done. So, Fate prepared her usual thread and needle; then stitched me somewhere on the bottom right of the 'Exclusive' WDC Cloth!!"

The last sentence of this excerpt was my favorite part of your article. I could just imagine Fate with a needle and thread, stitching a little Mari doll (or name) on a WDC quilt or something.

This is so creative and an interesting way to look at it!

Overall: Overall, this was an interesting and fun read. You had some lapses in the technical stuff, but the piece was generally well written. I got to learn more about you, your friends, and WDC! (Which is a natural and awesome combination, of course!). If you can get rid of some of those errors mentioned earlier, let me know and I'll re-read/re-rate/re-review.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me and keep up the great writing. Hugs,
-Neko

P.S. Sorry this took so long to send over to you! I ended up sleeping all day yesterday when I got home... after studying for & taking my Biology test (and American Lit quiz!).

Please note that the entirety of this review is only meant to help you and to express how I felt about your work; none of it is meant to be offensive or hurtful in any way. Much of this is based on my opinion, so please feel free to take or leave whatever you'd like.

Things you might like:

"My Poetry: Here, There, and in Your Hair"

- my work!

and "Invalid Item"

- the places to go for your image needs.

- For those who enjoy anime, manga, or just being creative in general!

- a raffle to raise GPs for some great groups.

- Celebrating the birthdays of WDC & some members.

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

- Join the festivities.

#3156543

Review of A Love Triangle?

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hello, mARi😭DiagnosedDepression . I wanted to visit your port today, so here I am! I know you've been busy with a lot of stuff... so this is just a small gift to hopefully make your day better!

My Thoughts: I absolutely... ADORE the title of this item. It's so misleading.

I think you could have also misled the readers a bit with your description, but that's optional. I also really enjoyed learning about your love for writing & reading.

Content: You did an excellent job writing this story, Mari. I liked how you likened reading & writing to people (in a way) with your feelings for them. Your writing style was very clean, easy to understand, and suited the personal nature of this topic.

The content itself was interesting, especially because of the manner you presented it in. I think most members have an item like this in their port, which is why the topic often gets repetitive... however, you gave it a unique feel & dimension.

Suggestions: I didn't see too many problems with sentence structure, but there were some mishaps with grammar and punctuation. Other than that, I thought this was very well written and put together.

The errors I've listed below are pretty minor...

Reading has been my first love. I learned how to read when I was around five, six years old.
For these two sentence, I think they would look better linked. Ex. “Reading has been my first love ever since I learned how to read when I was around five or six years old.”

Back then, I didn't know much about novels yet so I stuck with my textbooks, and from time to time, fairy tales books.
I believe “fairy tales” should perhaps be “fairytale”. It doesn’t need the “s” on the end in this case, since “books” is the plural. If you took out “books” you could add the “s” back on to show you read many “fairytales”.

Sure, reading was a good thing but too much of something can be bad as well.
I think a comma may need to be added after “thing” and before “but”.

I mean, what mother wouldn't reprimand her child when said daughter was too wrapped up in reading, she almost fell down the school stairs.
I’d like to suggest some slight changes for this sentence. Ex. “I mean, what mother wouldn’t reprimand her child when said daughter was so wrapped up in reading that she almost fell down the stairs?” (Let me know if I need to explain the changes to you.)

'Almost', because an older kid pulled me just in time.
I’d suggest we complete this sentence a little bit more. Ex. “’Almost’, because an older kid pulled me back to safety just in time.”

I told her it was great but in the back of my mind, I could hear myself complaining, "It would be better if it rhymes."
Should probably be “It would be better if it rhymed.”

Writing didn't become my true love, reading still reigns supreme.
This is a comma splice, I believe. Suggestion: “Writing never became my true love, as reading still reigns supreme.” Or something like that.

Writing is like a part of my family, a friend, a confidant, an enemy, an obstacle and as time gradually passed; writing became a part of me.
Not positive if that semi-colon is being used correctly. My suggestion: “Writing is like a part of my family, a friend, a confidant, an enemy, an obstacle, and, as time gradually passed, writing became a part of me.” However, I’m not positive about this.

All four of us, sinks deeper and deeper to unknown dimensions where only our imaginations exist, where only our thoughts and feelings can be heard... expressed.
Suggestion: “All four of us sink deeper and deeper into unknown dimensions where only our imaginations exist, where only our thoughts and feelings can be heard… expressed.” (The first comma wasn’t needed nor was the “s” on “sinks”. I also felt “into” was more appropriate than “to”.)

Each time, with each stroke, I discover emotions inside me I've never noticed was there.
Since “emotions” is plural, I was wondering if “was” should be “were”?

I hear not a single sound around me, from reality.
The comma isn’t needed. I’d suggest removing it.

The only things I'm aware of, are the sensations from that mystical sanctuary.
The comma in this sentence is also not needed, I believe.

So, I will continue to read and I don't mind falling all over again, he is definitely worth it.
This is a comma splice (at the end). I’d suggest making “He is definitely worth it.” a separate sentence.

Everyday, I crave for the emotions and thoughts he brings.
I think “Everyday” should be two words in this case. (“Every day”).

Every minute of every hour, I wished to do nothing more except sink deeper again into that warped world, an alternate reality existing only for the four of us, for me to get away from everything.
I believe “I wished to do nothing more” should be “I wish to do nothing more” since the first half of this paragraph is in present tense.

Favorites:
"Writing is like a part of my family, a friend, a confidant, an enemy, an obstacle and as time gradually passed; writing became a part of me."

This is the highlight of your item. It shows just what writing is to you, and I think it describes it perfectly for the rest of us too. You've put something into words which is truly hard to describe. Awesome job!

(I did have a somewhat *second* favorite part.

I couldn't help but kind of laugh that you almost fell down the stairs while reading your science textbook... It wouldn't have been funny if you'd fallen, but since you didn't... I thought it was hilarious.

If I were your mother, I'd have been mad too!)

Overall: This was an enjoyable read that also let me get to know you even more than I already do! For the most part, your writing was very well done and the tale of your love for writing & reading was intriguing. You are a terrific writer.

(Last notes: I gave this item a 4.5 because, though it does have some errors, I still thought its unique presentation and nice writing deserved it.

)

Thank you so much for sharing this with me and keep up the great writing. Hugs,
-Neko

Please note that the entirety of this review is only meant to help you and to express how I felt about your work; none of it is meant to be offensive or hurtful in any way. Much of this is based on my opinion, so please feel free to take or leave whatever you'd like.

Things you might like:

"My Short Stories and Essays"

- my work!

and "Invalid Item"

- the places to go for your image needs.

- a raffle to raise GPs for some great groups.

- Celebrating the birthdays of WDC & some members.

- Join the festivities.

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

- For those who enjoy anime, manga, or just being creative in general!

#3144829

Review of Screaming Corpses

Review by Neko ♥ Away

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello, Juhree ! I'm here to give you~

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Wow! What a scary picture you paint here, but it's oddly compelling. It's gruesome, but also somehow filled with sensuality.

That's what makes this piece great though, in my mind. I like the slight repetition... makes it seem almost like a song.

Your word choices, structure, and rhythm were all right on. I didn't notice any errors.

The only thing I was confused about was the "victim" part of this poem. I didn't understand how a victim tied into any of this, because I couldn't see the full picture. Also, how does the victim become the master? And is the speaker the victim or something else? Perhaps more clarity is needed?

Other than that, well done!

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Nice job.

I enjoyed the piece! It was horrific and quite the lovely read. Might I suggest an 18+ rating?

I'm not sure if that is the correct rating required for this item, but that one word in there (the one with the "w" at the end of the 1st stanza) makes me question the rating.

Keep up the great writing. Hugs,
-Neko

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#3143814

Review of Poetic Feelings

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, piewhackett1! I'm here to give you~

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Good morning, Kings! I just saw this item on the "By Online Authors" section, and thought I'd check it out. Seeing how other poets get their poetic inspiration is interesting to me, since I also write poetry. The idea of writing in a dark setting, with a single candle's glow, and a pen & paper is quite inspiring. I could see how this would help your creativity flow. Being in a silent, peaceful atmosphere such as that, with no distractions, would no doubt help greatly with your writing. I'm going to have to try it sometime! (I usually find listening to music helps my creativity! But I think your method would help me concentrate much better.)

The poem itself was beautiful and well written (though, I do think the addition of some commas/other punctuation besides the period would help). I loved your word choices, and the poem is quite *tight* without extra unnecessary words. I liked the topic, and I can tell you are quite the talented poet.

No doubt your method for concentration helped you with this one. Thank you for painting such a serene and inspirational scene!

Suggestions:

The candle burns[;] it's reflection is revealing.
I would personally add a semi-colon in here, mainly because these are two sentences which are not linked by any word/punctuation.

My literary visions compels me to confess.
"Compels" should be "compel", since visions is plural. (You could also switch it around if you wanted to, ex. "My literary vision compels me to confess".)

I want to divulge all of my poetic thoughts.
Into poetic stanzas with words I've sought.
I would turn the first period into a comma, since these two lines seem like they should be linked.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Keep up the wonderful work! I really enjoyed reading your poem. Hugs,
-Neko

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#3139933

Review of Paranoia

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, Crissy ! I'm here to give you~

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I'm here to repay the earlier review. Thank you again for the kind comments!

Now... I want to tell you how wonderful I think this poem is. Even though it was inspired by the bipolar disorder, I still think others can relate. (I actually could, could it be that I'm just sort of paranoid?). In certain cases, I think anyone could relate to this... which is what makes it so special. You've been able to take a psychological illness such as Bipolar disorder, and allow others to relate to it. In a way, this is actually helping the speaker taste what "normal" is about (from my perspective) by bringing the reader to the speaker's level.

From what I can see, there's nothing to improve upon here. (Though, that doesn't mean I didn't miss anything.

). The poem was clear, easy to follow, and emotional. It allows the reader to delve into the thoughts of someone with such an illness, to learn more about them. The language you used was powerful and well chosen. And might I say that the meter was great~!

Super job.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Thanks for sharing this intriguing poem with me. I enjoyed reading it. You are truly a talented poet!

Hugs,
-Neko

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#3139927

Review of Love's Too Blind

Review by Neko ♥ Away

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Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Welcome to WDC, musique ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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This is such a devastating and tragic poem. The reason why it touches me more than most, though, is because I was recently in this situation... but things have turned out alright in the end. It makes me sad that such a thing like this happens, but it does. People sometimes hide their true selves from those that love them, and when they finally reveal their inner self... it is something one might not have expected. Honestly, those people who do such a thing and who want to cause harm do not know what love is. They have never felt it; they only know how to use. I get all of this and more from your poem.

For the most part, this piece is well written. There was just one line that bothered me. Also, there is no consistent rhyme, however, the poem does flow well. I'm going to consider this poem as more of a free verse.

Suggestions:

Who has a heart swimming in vain!
I don't quite understand this line. Perhaps a revision could be in order? (In other words, how does a heart swim in vain? Maybe there's a better way to phrase this.)

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Great job and beautiful write. I hope to read more from you in the future. Please let me know if you need anything.

Hugs,
-Neko

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