Hello, the River Driver ! I'm here to give you~
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Wow! What a wonderful preface to your fantasy series. I'd say that this is a very nicely thought out and strong beginning to get you started. As a reader, I found the content to be extremely interesting, and I can't wait to find out why the shamans had to sacrifice themselves. You've obviously worked quite hard on this piece.
I could easily see each shaman risking their life as they stepped into the circle, joining their voices and powers with the others. It must have taken a great deal of courage to put their life on the line. If they hadn't done this, the price must have been great.
Though I think the general content is well done, I do think you could make some improvements. Firstly, can we get into the shamans minds and feel what they are feeling? I felt like a distant spectator through most of this, as if watching a "silent" scene unfold. We need more elements of sound and touch/feeling. A few more descriptions of these shamans could also be a possible upgrade to the preface. However, you may be saving that for later.
All in all, I did find this to be well done and well thought out. I absolutely cannot wait to see the first chapter of this splendid and exciting story. I'm sure it will be wonderful. (I checked your port, and I didn't see the 1st chapter anywhere). For improvements we just need a little more imagery... and some polishing on the sentences, I think.
Great job and keep it up!
Suggestions:
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The twelve of them stood atop the highest grassy hill in view, gazing inwards in a circle[.] as the dew of the morning grasses rose about them in a strange shimmering dance.
I'd replace "of them" with "shamans", since this is the first sentence and introduction of these people. Also, I felt the sentence was a tad long, so I've split it into two.
[With] Brown robes billowing in the strong breeze, the twelve shamans stood, palms outstretched to the man or woman across from them toward the center of the circle.
You've already told the reader that these shamans are standing in the previous sentence, so re-saying this is redundant. Thus, the sentence may need a rephrase. Ex. "With brown robes billowing in the strong breeze, the twelve stretched out their palms/hands to the man or woman across from them towards the center of the circle."
The tallest of them, a man by the name of Rogar[,] stepped inwards, his bone necklace making a clicking as he paused before the center of the circle.
Great sentence! I can easily hear the sound of that necklace with the addition of "clicking". However, I think it could be polished up a tad. We need a comma after "Rogar" and we can take out "making a" since the word "clicking" already implies the sound... it also reads a bit better!
As if in response to his chanting, the wind increased in strength, the robes of the shamans whipping so quickly they seemed to be trying to flay those around them.
Very nice imagery. But, I feel like the latter part of the sentence isn't structured correctly... Let me see if I can help. Ex. "As if in response to his chanting, the wind increased in strength, causing the robes of the shamans to whip back and forth so quickly, that they seemed to be trying to flay those around them." Or.... Ex.2 "As if in response to his chanting, the wind increased in strength. The robes of the shamans whipped back and forth quickly, seeming as if they were trying to flay those around them." I'm having a hard time with the word "whipping"... it just doesn't seem to do the scene justice, nor to express the event well enough./c}
As if in response.... In response to the gust.... The wind blew harder in response...
These are all excerpts from the 3rd paragraph. I think you are using "in response" a bit too much... try and stay away from repeating phrases if at all possible.
The wind blew harder in response, and on the horizon black clouds flew, gathered into a dark seething mass.
"Flew" just doesn't fit the image, and I think it looks/sounds much better just as: "black clouds gathered into a dark seething mass".
The third stepped into the circle and picked up the chant, and the gust that came nearly blew the shamans off their feet, but they did not fall,[.] and steady as a rock[,] came the next man [came forward and] putting [put] his hands above the other three and[,] picking up the chant.
Somewhat long sentence... and watch those repeated phrases. "stepped into" has been repeated at least two other times. I'd change "The" into "A".... I've also edited the sentence a bit... so that it reads better.
The clouds flew closer and the sun dimmed and [as it] was extinguished by the blackness, and shadow[s] covered the hill.
"Flew" just doesn't sound like the right word. Maybe "inched", "pushed", or something else of the sort would do.
Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. ![Bigsmile *Bigsmile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/bigsmile.png)
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Nicely done. Thank you so much for sharing this! You've obviously got something nice here, and I can't wait to see how it unfolds. (Oh! I also wanted to let you know where I found your port: The Angel Buddy Network! I saw you were close to my age, so I wanted to check out your work. It's not too often that I see someone near/around my age, so I wanted to say "Hi"! ).
-Neko
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